Obliged to tell?

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KDBARNES

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I have a moral dilemma. First, a bit of background information. Before my current relationship, I had sex. I actually had sex with my current boyfriend, but then had a change of heart and decided to follow the morals God has laid out for me. I told my boyfriend I no longer wanted to be physically intimate. So far, he has said “ok” but he still badgers me about certain things. My main concern, of which, is this:
He asked me if I had sex with my previous boyfriend, and I told him yes. He then asked how many times. I told him I did not understand what telling him how many times I had sex with my previous boyfriend had to do with our relationship. He said he wanted to know how close I was to my previous boyfriend. I got angry and told him to call me tomorrow if he decides to stop asking me how many times I had sex with my previous boyfriend. I feel his motive for wanting to know is jealousy. He has tried to reword his question so I basically just give in and tell him.
Do I have an obligation to tell him how many times I had sex with my previous boyfriend?
Also, he has said that some very moral people are intimate before marriage, implying that it is not wrong. He says he will do whatever I want to do with regards to not having sex, however, I feel like my decision is a burden to him.
 
KD,
You have no “obligation” to discuss any of this with him.
You don’t say that you are Catholic in your profile, nor any indication of your age. Regardless, I applaud your moral stand and encourage you to follow what you know is right.

As for your b/f’s remark about moral people having sex…it may be true…yet it is not their standard that we measure our morality against is it?

The commandment against adultery also applies to “fornication” which is singles having sex before marriage. The NT is even more specific about this. Here’s some passages that you might wanna check out …okay?

1 1 Corinthians 6 :9 Know you not that the unjust shall not possess the kingdom of God? Do not err: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers,

2 1 Corinthians 5:9 I wrote to you in an epistle, not to keep company with fornicators.

3 1 Corinthians 5:10 I mean not with the fornicators of this world, or with the covetous, or the extortioners, or the servers of idols; otherwise you must needs go out of this world.

4 1 Timothy 1 :10 For fornicators, for them who defile themselves with mankind, for menstealers, for liars, for perjured persons, and whatever other thing is contrary to sound doctrine,

5 Hebrews 13 :4 Marriage honourable in all, and the bed undefiled. For fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

I’m not tryin’ to heap a guilt trip on ya, I promise…but you need info here…okay?

I know it’s tough sometimes, but the yearning to be pure is from the Holy Spirit and ya don’t wanna blow that off. There’s always the point that this guy might not be the guy for you…Someone once said that a girl without a guy is like a fish without a bicycle. Stupid I know…but there’s a good point. there are always other guys and there are indeed those good Catholic guys who want to wait til they can share that loving intimacy with their wife as God planned for us to.

The CA ma(name removed by moderator)age has a whole thing on this that you can read and you can get more info on it there. Here’s a good place to begin. catholic.com/chastity/pure_love.asp

Don’t give up…YOU are your own greatest treasure…treasure yourself the way Jesus does little sister.
(P.S. When did ya get to confession last, huh? Time for it again? 🙂 )
Pax vobiscum,
 
Once you have confessed all (and I take it you have??) it is advised never to discuss ones Confession with a partner / spouse.

You leave all to Christ.
 
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KDBARNES:
Do I have an obligation to tell him how many times I had sex with my previous boyfriend?
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You have no such obligation.

Of course, there’s two sides to every coin, and he has no obligation to remain your boyfriend. IMO, the problem is his, though, and you’d probably be better off without him if that’s his attitude.
 
Absolutely you are not obliged to tell. He needs to get over this. You need only say something along the lines of: “This is past behavior. I have confessed it and been forgiven for it. I regret having done it. That’s all there is to say on the matter.”
 
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KDBARNES:
He says he will do whatever I want to do with regards to not having sex, however, I feel like my decision is a burden to him.
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Your decision is a blessing for him, not a burden! You are inviting him to a life that follows God’s plans,including chastity. He may not see the good that you are doing for him, but I hope you can see it and remain strong in your decision.

St. Philomena is a great saint to help with things like this. Here’s link to a great prayer novena:
www.ewtn.com/Devotionals/novena/philomena.htm
 
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KDBARNES:
I have a moral dilemma. First, a bit of background information. Before my current relationship, I had sex. I actually had sex with my current boyfriend, but then had a change of heart and decided to follow the morals God has laid out for me. I told my boyfriend I no longer wanted to be physically intimate. So far, he has said “ok” but he still badgers me about certain things. My main concern, of which, is this:
He asked me if I had sex with my previous boyfriend, and I told him yes. He then asked how many times. I told him I did not understand what telling him how many times I had sex with my previous boyfriend had to do with our relationship. He said he wanted to know how close I was to my previous boyfriend. I got angry and told him to call me tomorrow if he decides to stop asking me how many times I had sex with my previous boyfriend. I feel his motive for wanting to know is jealousy. He has tried to reword his question so I basically just give in and tell him.
Do I have an obligation to tell him how many times I had sex with my previous boyfriend?
Also, he has said that some very moral people are intimate before marriage, implying that it is not wrong. He says he will do whatever I want to do with regards to not having sex, however, I feel like my decision is a burden to him.
Click to expand...
I think you may have to tell him. Otherwise it’s going to make him nuttier and he’ll keep asking and it’ll be an obsession. Once he knows, he can move on and not think about it so much.
 
you may find that this question is just a symptom of a larger problem. once two people have sex and one of them says that it’s not going to happen anymore, the other person is caught up in a confusing situation. he may be asking you about previous relationships for other reasons than jealousy.

he may not believe that the sex is really over. he may have it in his mind that if he can get you to talk about the details of what you did with other men, he can reason you into modifying your position. he may say that he should at least get what the other guy got, or that you should compromise. his acceptance of your decision may not be as honest as you think. he may be pursuing this unconsciously too. his acceptance may not be as honest as he thinks. instead of just shutting him down, you may want to approach it from that angle, and let him know that keeping physical sex in your minds will only make chastity more difficult for both of you. having sex on the brain is just a few steps before having sex. it can only lead to frustration to dwell on it. let him know that thinking about it will only weaken your resolve and that that would offend you. it will help to get you both on the same page regarding the issue.

he may also feel that sex with him offended you in some way. men are very sensitive about that sort of thing, adequacy and all that. you need to reassure him that this whole issue is not about him. tell him flat out that you are not having sex again, whether it’s with him or anyone else. asking about the sexual experience of others has an element of ‘what’s wrong with me?’ attached to it sometimes. if you love him, you should try to address his side of this issue too.

he has the “right to know” if you are sexually experienced, but he doesn’t have the right to violate your boundries. if you are uncomfortable telling him details, don’t. he is dating the present you, not the past you. if i were you, i’d just tell him that the answer is “at least once. why do you need to know more than that?” refusing to answer will just cause problems, but giving an exact answer will cause more problems. if he can’t handle your personal resolve, he won’t be able to handle a life with you. you need to challenge him to grow into your personal viewpoint by talking to him. if you don’t, he’s just going to feel like this is the beginning of a long good-bye. if he loves you in the right way, he’ll become closer to you over it. if he doesn’t take that opportunity as you offer it, make it a short good-bye. you’ll be happier in the long run.
 
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Corinthians:
I think you may have to tell him. Otherwise it’s going to make him nuttier and he’ll keep asking and it’ll be an obsession. Once he knows, he can move on and not think about it so much.
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If he gets nuttier, that’s his problem, not hers. She already confessed to b/f of past indiscretions. Now he is asking her to detract (see below) against herself with the sordid details. No good can come of giving in to this kind of blackmail.

Scott

*2477 *Respect for the reputation * of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury. He becomes guilty:
  • of *rash judgment * who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor;
  • of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them;
  • of calumny who, by remarks contrary to the truth, harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them.
 
No you are not obigated to tell him how many times. I would advise you not to tell him simply because that is private information and if you two break up it could become public information very easily, and I know you wouldnt want that to happen. 🙂

I can understand why he wants to know, its very easy to become jealous especially at a young age.
 
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Corinthians:
I think you may have to tell him. Otherwise it’s going to make him nuttier and he’ll keep asking and it’ll be an obsession. Once he knows, he can move on and not think about it so much.
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I do not agree. It can make him nuttier, then he does not have your best interest at heart. What’s done is done and forgiven.

I applaud your strength.
 
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KDBARNES:
I have a moral dilemma. First, a bit of background information. Before my current relationship, I had sex. I actually had sex with my current boyfriend, but then had a change of heart and decided to follow the morals God has laid out for me. I told my boyfriend I no longer wanted to be physically intimate. So far, he has said “ok” but he still badgers me about certain things. My main concern, of which, is this:
He asked me if I had sex with my previous boyfriend, and I told him yes. He then asked how many times. I told him I did not understand what telling him how many times I had sex with my previous boyfriend had to do with our relationship. He said he wanted to know how close I was to my previous boyfriend. I got angry and told him to call me tomorrow if he decides to stop asking me how many times I had sex with my previous boyfriend. I feel his motive for wanting to know is jealousy. He has tried to reword his question so I basically just give in and tell him.
Do I have an obligation to tell him how many times I had sex with my previous boyfriend?
Also, he has said that some very moral people are intimate before marriage, implying that it is not wrong. He says he will do whatever I want to do with regards to not having sex, however, I feel like my decision is a burden to him.
Click to expand...
I don’t think you have a moral obligation to tell him how many times you had sex with your previous boyfriend. I don’t think you should tell your current boyfriend the details of your sexual past.

At the same time, you should consider the fact that he is obviously obsessing about your past. He could be wondering about all the things you may have done, and this wondering could be occupying too large a portion of his time.

pureloveclub.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=84 This has some advice on this matter.

pureloveclub.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=85 This has some advice for him.
 
Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I prayed about the issue and then talked with my boyfriend. I told him that my past is my past. I regret having sex outside of marriage, but it is done and from this day forward, all I can do is work toward the best relationship possible and become the best woman for God, my family and friends, and my future husband and family.
Also, some information about myself. I am 19 years old and I am a Christian that has been attending the Catholic Church with my best friend who is a devote Catholic. My boyfriend and his family are Catholic. I am very interested in the Catholic Church and teachings, and so I explored this website and felt I could get some good advice from you all. I was raised in a non-denominational Christian Church, however I do not feel I exactly belong there. The Catholic Church really attracts me, but my family is not Catholic. I have seeked out the advice of my aunt, who is a Catholic. Do you think since I am only 19 it is a good idea to continue exploring the Catholic faith and possibly becoming a Catholic even though my family would not be part of it? Thanks again.
 
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KDBARNES:
Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I prayed about the issue and then talked with my boyfriend. I told him that my past is my past. I regret having sex outside of marriage, but it is done and from this day forward, all I can do is work toward the best relationship possible and become the best woman for God, my family and friends, and my future husband and family.
Also, some information about myself. I am 19 years old and I am a Christian that has been attending the Catholic Church with my best friend who is a devote Catholic. My boyfriend and his family are Catholic. I am very interested in the Catholic Church and teachings, and so I explored this website and felt I could get some good advice from you all. I was raised in a non-denominational Christian Church, however I do not feel I exactly belong there. The Catholic Church really attracts me, but my family is not Catholic. I have seeked out the advice of my aunt, who is a Catholic. Do you think since I am only 19 it is a good idea to continue exploring the Catholic faith and possibly becoming a Catholic even though my family would not be part of it? Thanks again.
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I don’t envy you, being 19 at this time in history, it can’t be easy to uphold any moral standards. You are old enough to decide what path you may follow in this and in faith matters. But you will need support in both areas and that’s not easy to come by. Maybe talk to a good priest that your friend may recommend?
 
Do you think since I am only 19 it is a good idea to continue exploring the Catholic faith and possibly becoming a Catholic even though my family would not be part of it? Thanks again.
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ANY time is a good time!!! My wife did exactly the same thing you did, and at about the same age. Worked great for her! Go to it! We’ll be praying for you!
 
I don’t agree with many of the replies here. How can you keep something such as past intimacies from a present love interest? This is the problem with being physically intimate before marriage. It causes so much pain and mistrust to the one you come to next. I am happy to see though that you have learned the error of your ways and wish to change. However, you should really be truthful to him, if you had a strong physical relationship with your past boyfriend your current has the right to know after all old flames do not fade away so easily.

If you intend to maybe marry this man one day, he deserves to know.
 
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Shinobu:
I don’t agree with many of the replies here. How can you keep something such as past intimacies from a present love interest? This is the problem with being physically intimate before marriage. It causes so much pain and mistrust to the one you come to next. I am happy to see though that you have learned the error of your ways and wish to change. However, you should really be truthful to him, if you had a strong physical relationship with your past boyfriend your current has the right to know after all old flames do not fade away so easily.

If you intend to maybe marry this man one day, he deserves to know.
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I could not disagree more…what he wants to know is the exact number of times they had sex…how in the world does he deserve to know that? In your opinion are there any details from someones past that are actually private?
 
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martino:
I could not disagree more…what he wants to know is the exact number of times they had sex…how in the world does he deserve to know that? In your opinion are there any details from someones past that are actually private?
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I can see telling him the number of times—but things like how long, what positions, where it happened—these kinds of things I would think are just too personal and would keep private.
 
I think he might want to know how many times so that he can see just how close they were. He may be worried that she had a deep relationship with this past person. He may have his reasons.

While I feel that she should be honest, I also feel that he should approach her about this in a gentle manner. I certainly hope he isn’t going “TELL ME HOW MANY TIMES!!!” I think it is important to be forthright and honest.

Telling him may put his mind at ease and allow him to put what has happened, in the past and begin their relationship anew.

Edit: Yeah, I certainly hope he isn’t asking for more intimate details then that O.O;
 
i think you are absolutely obligated to tell him this sort of thing. would you buy a car without knowing how many miles are on it or whether it had been in an accident?
 
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