Obliged to tell?

  • Thread starter Thread starter KDBARNES
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Isn’t it interesting how the truth about morality is revealed? We take such pains to keep secret that behavior of which we are not proud. Perhaps the better answer is to make a commitment to conduct yourself in a manner such that you never feel you have to lie or cover up the truth about your conduct.
 
40.png
bjorn:
i think you are absolutely obligated to tell him this sort of thing. would you buy a car without knowing how many miles are on it or whether it had been in an accident?
Click to expand...
A very apt analogy. The current boyfriend is clearly treating her as though she were a piece of property (like a car), instead of as a potential helpmate.
 
40.png
bjorn:
i think you are absolutely obligated to tell him this sort of thing. would you buy a car without knowing how many miles are on it or whether it had been in an accident?
Click to expand...
Stop! A human, this beautiful lady, is not to be compared to a car in an accident.

Spare this sweet lady the inappropriate analogies.
 
Oh no, not the horrid car analogy.

It’s not so good to assume this guy wants to know her “mileage” he may have purely logical reasons why he wants to know.
 
forgive and forget. how can it be good to dwell on it? if a man needs that info in order to gage the status of things, he needs to adjust his standards of measure. this is one of those things to save for after you are married, just like the sex. “if you ain’t gonna marry me, ya don’t need to know.” if he ‘loves’ her thinking that she only did it 20 times, but thinks she a slut if it was 100, what kind of love is that? people aren’t cars with “mileage”. the only thing a guy needs to know is whether or not she’s a virgin and whether or not she’s chaste.

and i’ll tell you what, if i asked a girl “how many times did you have sex with your ex-boyfriend?” and she said something like “twice”, that would seem normal. but if it was more than twice and she actually knew the number, i’d split. that would freak me out. that would be a key indicator of a real weirdo. what kind of person counts? what? is there some kind of tally sheet? something’s just not right with that.

this whole thing is just bad for business, no matter how you look at it.
 
40.png
Shinobu:
Oh no, not the horrid car analogy.

It’s not so good to assume this guy wants to know her “mileage” he may have purely logical reasons why he wants to know.
Click to expand...
But then anything can be made to appear logical if spun just so. Just look at the car analogy.
She says no, that should be good enough for him. That is part of respect in a relationship.
 
40.png
Shinobu:
Oh no, not the horrid car analogy.

It’s not so good to assume this guy wants to know her “mileage” he may have purely logical reasons why he wants to know.
Click to expand...
i think mileage is a perfectly logical thing to want to know. if she cant be honest about how many people or how many times then what else would it be okay for her not to tell her boyfriend or future husband. where so you draw the line?
 
40.png
bjorn:
i think mileage is a perfectly logical thing to want to know. if she cant be honest about how many people or how many times then what else would it be okay for her not to tell her boyfriend or future husband. where so you draw the line?
Click to expand...
A boyfriend is a far cry from a husband. There is no obligation to tell a boyfriend more - until he becomes a husband.

Mileage - sheesh, such a harsh word.
 
40.png
jrabs:
A boyfriend is a far cry from a husband. There is no obligation to tell a boyfriend more - until he becomes a husband.

Mileage - sheesh, such a harsh word.
Click to expand...
so its okay for her to keep secrets until she is married and then she can confess everything to her husband when? on the wedding night perhaps? you are supposing that it is inappropriate to ask her these personal questions because he is not her husband yet. but once they are married it is a little too late i would say.
 
bjorn: There’s a big difference between keeping secrets and simply not revealing that which does not need to be revealed. She’s not hiding anything that he has a right to know. Quite simply, it’s none of his business. Whether it becomes his business when they plan to marry is a question I won’t get into here, since it doesn’t seem to apply to her situation.

As for the insulting car analogy, how many times she was with one other partner does not in any way relate to her “safety” as a girlfriend or even a wife. It’s not just an insulting analogy, it’s a poor one.
 
Actually, I see no obligation to reveal number of times, partners and sexual details even after their marriage. A general confession of wrongdoing is perfectly adequet and to needle for more is attempting to get the girl to self-detract which is objectively wrong.

Scott
 
40.png
OldStNick:
I can see telling him the number of times—but things like how long, what positions, where it happened—these kinds of things I would think are just too personal and would keep private.
Click to expand...
as a woman i am frankly insulted by the whole idea that she needs to discuss any of this information with her boyfriend. what happened between her and any previous boyfriends is between her and god. in no way does her new boyfriend have any right to this information.
 
Sweetie, dump this loser. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart. He just wants what he can get out of you. At 19 you have your whole life before you. Don’t let this jerk hold you back. Move on and find a good gjuy who will respect your moral stance–one who also believes that intimacy is to be shared between a husband and wife and not with every pair of pants or skirt that comes along.
 
The beautiful aspect of a holy confession is that the person is restored to innocense before God and becomes a new creation. He remembers our sins no more! Why on earth would anyone need to confess anything whatsoever to anyone at all? The sin is “no more!”

The one asking for this information is becoming judge and juror, to evaluate whether or not one’s past behavior qualifies for their love in the present. Uh-uh!

Stick to your guns, KD, and do your own evaluation of the worthiness of your boyfriend to have your friendship. He ought to rejoice in your choice to be chaste for the Lord.

I once dated a gentleman who had wrong designs on me, even in older age after an annulment and divorce. Things never changed in his pursuit for sex, and eventually the relationship died - a leopard doesn’t change his spots, as a rule. Be careful!

Warm regards and a prayer for your steadfastness,
Carole
 
Dear KDBARNES,

Many others have given you good advice. Let me see if I can help you translate into “doggy guy” thinking, which is something I was very familiar with for several years!
40.png
KDBARNES:
He asked me if I had sex with my previous boyfriend, and I told him yes. He then asked how many times. I told him I did not understand what telling him how many times I had sex with my previous boyfriend had to do with our relationship. He said he wanted to know how close I was to my previous boyfriend. I got angry and told him to call me tomorrow if he decides to stop asking me how many times I had sex with my previous boyfriend. I feel his motive for wanting to know is jealousy. He has tried to reword his question so I basically just give in and tell him.
Click to expand...
This is a very common concern of young men, and is part of the collateral damage of permissive culture.

Translation: I am insecure that I may not have “measured up” either anatomically, performance-wise, or emotionally to your past boyfriends. Therefore, I am afraid that you are as shallow as I am in that you probably think you have to keep checking around for someone who will satisfy you carnally better than me.

You must tell me every move those guys made, what they said to you, and how that made you feel, and tell me that I am the greatest of all. I will personally judge whether I think you are sincere, then, in your affection with me. After all, if some other guy ever did something you liked and I don’t know about it then you might jump right back in the sack with them so I need to know these things.
Do I have an obligation to tell him how many times I had sex with my previous boyfriend?
Click to expand...
No. Nor do you have to tell them what positions, etc. as another poster has also mentioned. If you are planning marriage, I think each has the right to know whether the other has been sexually active – at least on a yes/no basis – so one does not feel deceived later. In this case, the guy himself knows you have had sex before marriage from personal experience, so he knows everything he is “entitled” to know already.
Also, he has said that some very moral people are intimate before marriage, implying that it is not wrong. He says he will do whatever I want to do with regards to not having sex, however, I feel like my decision is a burden to him.
Click to expand...
Please allow me to translate this:

I want you to think that I actually care about your moral concerns, so I will wait if I absolutely have to or until I find another supply for the carnal act. Besides, I need you to confirm that I am so good that you simply cannot resist me. Plus, if I were you and trying to “appear” moral I might be getting a little on the side. Are you? This is just a temporary phase you’re going through, right?

Plus I don’t want you to forget that I am making a supreme sacrifice for your little morals problem that is obviously in your head. I will not “dump” you because it would humiliate me to think that I had caused you to go moral, only to find that you finally gave up the act while in the arms of another.

I want you to know that I am here and I have needs so first you should honor me for my self-restraint but if you do “fail” in you mission, I understand; I am here to catch you and embrace you. It’s about me, me, me and my needs. Also I would appreciate if you would feel some guilt and sympathy for me for cutting me off and very, very appreciative for this sacrifice I’m making for your little temporary (I hope) fling with morality.

Alan
 
40.png
AlanFromWichita:
It’s about me, me, me and my needs.
Click to expand...
By the way, this guy may not consciously realize that he is being this way. He might be genuinely puzzled about all this, because there is a lot of hormones and confusion running around in that little brain of his. He doesn’t understand how to be honest with himself. Not to say he won’t get better, but let’s say that’s where he is now as evidenced by his line of reasoning.

Another thing that occurred to me, is that part of this guy’s confusion is why you would have cut HIM off and not the other partners. Was it really just bad luck for him, or – horror of horrors – was he so inadequate somehow that he drove you to chastity! Better you become attracted to another girl and become a lesbian than for him to admit that he could not keep your interest.

Alan
 
I don’t think you have any obligation to tell your boyfriend. You have already been honest with him in telling him that you did have sexual relations with your ex-boyfriend. He doesn’t need to know any details. You have also been honest with him in telling him that you’ve had a change of heart and no longer want to have premarital sex. That should be enough explanation for him.

Good luck to you!

Karen
 
40.png
SWTHRT:
I don’t think you have any obligation to tell your boyfriend. You have already been honest with him in telling him that you did have sexual relations with your ex-boyfriend. He doesn’t need to know any details. You have also been honest with him in telling him that you’ve had a change of heart and no longer want to have premarital sex. That should be enough explanation for him.

Good luck to you!

Karen
Click to expand...
I always tell my boyfriends about my sex life before anything happens just so they know. I figure its better that way and we can have more honesty
 
40.png
SWTHRT:
I don’t think you have any obligation to tell your boyfriend. You have already been honest with him in telling him that you did have sexual relations with your ex-boyfriend. He doesn’t need to know any details. You have also been honest with him in telling him that you’ve had a change of heart and no longer want to have premarital sex. That should be enough explanation for him.
Click to expand...
In priciple, I agree with this. However, in practice it may or may not be workable.

I agree, also, that you have no obligation to tell your boyfriend. You have to answer to yourself and you have to answer to God; you do not have to answer to a boyfriend… but you may want to.

If I was the boyfriend in this situation and it was explained to me that you did not want to discuss details of previous sexual encounters, I would – if I loved you – accept that. (In fact, I wouldn’t have wanted to know in the first place.) If, however, I did not love you and my purpose for staying in the relationship was solely sexually motivated, I would leave the relationship and go in search of another with a sexual element. (If this happens, you’re better off anyway.)

Of course, that is me today. Trying to imagine me 20 years ago is something else entirely. I think maybe if I had been in a sexual relationship with, say, someone in high school I was dating and suddenly she did not want to have sex any longer, yet I knew she had had sex previously I might start to create all sorts of scenarios. What’s changed? What did I do wrong? Is she pregnant? Is she having sex somewhere else? Does she not love me any more? I’m sure I could have invented any number of crazy possibilities to dwell upon without ever considering that maybe, just maybe, it was better that we did not have sex at that point in the relationship. After all, I think the me of 20 years ago considered himself much more grown up and much smarter than the me of today considers myself. (And now I’m going to have a Bob Dylan song stuck in my head the rest of the day.)

You’re not obliged to tell. You have made the right decision now to stop having premarital sex. You can be proud of that; it’s the right thing to do.

However, you have gone and played the grown-up. If you love your boyfriend and you want to continue in a relationship with him, you have to find a grown-up way to resolve the problem that the two of you have created. Getting angry and telling him to call only if he decides to stop asking is not a very adult thing to do.

I’m sure you know the danger of playing with fire. We are called to live a moral life. No one said it is easy.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top