"Older" Male Virgins

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GraceUnderFire

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I think it’s amazing if a heterosexual man is still a virgin beyond the age of 30, especially given the sexually charged climate we live in. However, do you think that such a man, although he is a virgin, likely
  • engages in acts of impurity
  • watches pornography
    to relieve some of the tension?
I know that you can’t generalize, but when a guy says he’s a virgin, I immediate think “good for you!” then “but how are you able to stay totally chaste?” 😦

Is it possible for a man who desires marriage to be *totally *chaste? Or is that unrealistic to expect? Should I be disappointed if a guy I’m dating is a virgin but struggles with those other issues? Is that uncharitable? Please be easy on me–although I’m an “older” virgin woman, I have no idea what it must be like for a man, which is why I asked. 🤷 I just don’t want to be a jerk about something that’s somewhat understandable i.e. occasionally falling into impurity despite best efforts to stay pure (although still a mortal sin). I hope my question makes sense LOL.
 
OK, I think I can distill my question down even further: is it *reasonable *to expect that even a “good Catholic man” won’t struggle with sins of impurity or porn? Are those struggles (even if just occasional) good enough reasons to not consider a man suitable for marriage? OR, is that a ridiculously high standard.

Thank you.
 
Dear moderators,

This belongs in the Family Life thread. Can you please move?

Thanks.
 
In answer to your question, it is definitely possible for a man to be perfectly chaste. Acts of impurity are tempting, but not by any means unavoidable.
 
A. You’re essentially accusing every adult man who has taken a vow of celibacy of the sins of masturbation or pornography.
B. Mortal sin is “somewhat understandable”?
C. Why are you thinking about men in this way? Would you want a man to make these kinds of assumptions about you?
 
GraceUnderFire said:
I think it’s amazing if a heterosexual man is still a virgin beyond the age of 30, especially given the sexually charged climate we live in. However, do you think that such a man, although he is a virgin, likely
  • engages in acts of impurity
  • watches pornography
    to relieve some of the tension?
I know that you can’t generalize, but when a guy says he’s a virgin, I immediate think “good for you!” then “but how are you able to stay totally chaste?” 😦

Is it possible for a man who desires marriage to be *totally *chaste? Or is that unrealistic to expect? Should I be disappointed if a guy I’m dating is a virgin but struggles with those other issues? Is that uncharitable? Please be easy on me–although I’m an “older” virgin woman, I have no idea what it must be like for a man, which is why I asked. 🤷 I just don’t want to be a jerk about something that’s somewhat understandable i.e. occasionally falling into impurity despite best efforts to stay pure (although still a mortal sin). I hope my question makes sense LOL.
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By the time I got to the end of your question, I had guessed the purpose, which is what can a woman reasonably expect in an older man’s past.

Obviously, you are interested in practical possibilities, not theological ones.

As a male, and from my contact with other males, I would say that the chances of finding a Catholic man over 30, who is both a virgin and has never used pornography, or masturbated frequently, are very small. Such men do exist, and you may include this it in your criteria for a spouse, but then you may be looking a long time…

If you choose to accept some lapses against purity then you next need to decide how much is sensible to accept. In this, I would recommend that you value honesty over apparent good intentions. Thinking of my own daughters, I’d much rather that that marry a man with a bit of a sordid past, and efforts at reformation, than someone who is apparently “squeaky clean” while indulging in pornography addictively.
 
GraceUnderFire said:
I know that you can’t generalize, but when a guy says he’s a virgin, I immediate think “good for you!” then “but how are you able to stay totally chaste?” 😦
Click to expand...
A psychologist once pointed out that most people are like pilots who have only seen the inside of one airplane.

The pilot can fly a plane and is very good at flying a plane, but it never crosses the mind of this pilot that others who fly a plane are looking at a totally different type of control panel than what they are used to. They tend to believe that everyone has the same controls and same indicators and all the dials and other features of their own control panel, that they are and look exactly the same, with every dial and indicator in the same place.

But the truth is very different. No two planes have exactly the same control panels. In fact some planes have panels that are very different from the “norm.” The pilot in our illustration would be shocked to note how unalike each control panel actually is!

We can be like that pilot. We tend to think that others’ experience with life is like our own. We may even find it hard to think that their experience is any different (i.e., “How do others deal with this or that since I see it as so hard to do?”).

But the truth is that others can be what we believe is totally impossible.

Some men can be far more virtuous than we think. Others far more evil and corrupt.

And since we cannot step into another man’s plane and see their control panel, so to speak, you cannot even begin to generalize about others if we want a true and reliable answer. Nobody else thinks like we do, faces challenges like we do, has the same problems or temptations or desires we do.

And while people might disappoint you, but God will not. God can and does grace people to be far more than we expect that they could be, especially under so-called “impossible” circumstances. And in the end, regardless of what has or has not been done by any sole individual, it is only God’s judgment of that individual that matters, not ours.

Instead of asking “how honest is this person being about claims of chastity,” we may want to ask ourselves why we are being suspicious of such claims or not believing that such is even possible. Does our disbelief stem from our own failings or difficulties with specific temptations in life? It’s not impossible for someone to live a life that’s chaste and a model of heroic virtue.

Don’t forget that it was because people believed that it was impossible for the Titanic to sink that caused it to sink, costing many lives in the process.
 
Edmundus1581 said:
By the time I got to the end of your question, I had guessed the purpose, which is what can a woman reasonably expect in an older man’s past.

Obviously, you are interested in practical possibilities, not theological ones.

As a male, and from my contact with other males, I** would say that the chances of finding a Catholic man over 30, who is both a virgin and has never used or pornography, or masturbated frequently, are very small. You may, of course, include it in your criteria for a spouse, but then you may be looking a long time…**

If you choose to accept some lapses against purity then you next need to decide how much is sensible to accept. In this, I would recommend that you value honesty over apparent good intentions. Thinking of my own daughters, I’d much rather that that marry a man with a bit of a sordid past, and efforts at reformation, than someone who is apparently “squeaky clean” while indulging in pornography addictively.
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Thank you very much for your reply. Although your first point is disheartening, your second point is well taken.
 
CJeplin said:
But the truth is that others can be what we believe is totally impossible.

Some men can be far more virtuous than we think. Others far more evil and corrupt.

And since we cannot step into another man’s plane and see their control panel, so to speak, you cannot even begin to generalize about others if we want a true and reliable answer. Nobody else thinks like we do, faces challenges like we do, has the same problems or temptations or desires we do.

And while people might disappoint you, but God will not. God can and does grace people to be far more than we expect that they could be, especially under so-called “impossible” circumstances. And in the end, regardless of what has or has not been done by any sole individual, it is only God’s judgment of that individual that matters, not ours.

Instead of asking “how honest is this person being about claims of chastity,” we may want to ask ourselves why we are being suspicious of such claims or not believing that such is even possible. Does our disbelief stem from our own failings or difficulties with specific temptations in life? It’s not impossible for someone to live a life that’s chaste and a model of heroic virtue.

Don’t forget that it was because people believed that it was impossible for the Titanic to sink that caused it to sink, costing many lives in the process.
Click to expand...
It’s not so much that I would doubt his claims of being chaste. I was wondering if it’s foolish to think that a guy could be a virgin and not be doing other things on the side. If someone told me that, fine. I guess I wonder if this kind of thing could come up at some point later in a marriage. . .I don’t think I’m explaining it well. I just don’t want to have unrealistic expectations of a man and then be disappointed if he slips.

Also, it’s very dismal to look around and see so much lack of regard for chastity. Even on Catholic dating sites, some guys are very frank about the fact that they don’t believe church teaching on premarital sex or contraception. It just makes me a little jaded, especially since I’m waiting. I wonder if I will find someone who is like me in that regard 😦
 
GraceUnderFire said:
It’s not so much that I would doubt his claims of being chaste. I was wondering if it’s foolish to think that a guy could be a virgin and not be doing other things on the side. If someone told me that, fine. I guess I wonder if this kind of thing could come up at some point later in a marriage. . .I don’t think I’m explaining it well. I just don’t want to have unrealistic expectations of a man and then be disappointed if he slips.

Also, it’s very dismal to look around and see so much lack of regard for chastity. Even on Catholic dating sites, some guys are very frank about the fact that they don’t believe church teaching on premarital sex or contraception. It just makes me a little jaded, especially since I’m waiting. I wonder if I will find someone who is like me in that regard 😦
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Ask God to bring you to the spouse He has chosen for you. As you date, ask the Holy Spirit to discern if that man is the one God has chosen for you.

You may find a chaste man who has faults you would never want in a spouse.

People sin in their lives. God forgives them their sins in the Sacrament of Confession. They are washed of their sins.

Allow God to send you a good and holy man. If he has committed sexual sins and confessed these, do not hold that against him.

It is a wonderful gift you have to offer your husband to give yourself only to him. If he has failed to be able to offer this gift to you, maybe he has been graced with the ability to offer complete sorrow to God for his sins and to turn to a life of sexual purity.
 
I have been trying to think of signs you could look for that a man is not being honest about sex. One thing I can think of would be a man who is overly religious or philosophical in talking about sex and his own chastity. Whenever I hear a man talking like that I suspect that he’s covering something up. I don’t know why - it’s just a sixth sense. I guess I could be wrong.

:twocents:
 
I’m 38, single and do not “chase women” and a practicing Catholic who yes does struggle with masturbation but not pornography. Seeing a shrink and doing some other spiritual insight. Am I a freak? Wow. What a shallow way to look at people!

I wish I were still a virgin. I lost my virginity at 18 and haven’t had intercourse since then. Only sex has been orally with women and all because I knew I was sinning. Am I a freak for this? Wow…

I pray God keep me UNTIL I am blessed to marry a practicing Catholic woman.👍
 
GraceUnderFire said:
Is it possible for a man who desires marriage to be *totally *chaste? Or is that unrealistic to expect? Should I be disappointed if a guy I’m dating is a virgin but struggles with those other issues? Is that uncharitable? .
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I second what everyone here has said about the value of honesty. If you have concerns about how much chastity is implied by his virginity, I would wait for an opportune time to ask him about his take on things like masturbation and pornography. If your relationship progresses, you will need to talk about bigger things than that, and if you are charitable with your questions and compassionate with your responses, hopefully he will respect your honesty and your concerns.
 
just_came_back said:
Am I a freak?
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No. Many men struggle with the same issues, both inside and outside of relationships.

More importantly, what you DID and how much you DID it are far less important than what you are DOING about it and how much you are DOING about it. There’s nothing shameful about an honest confession and an honest effort to “sin no more.” Take heart in that!
 
Fogwalker said:
No. Many men struggle with the same issues, both inside and outside of relationships.

More importantly, what you DID and how much you DID it are far less important than what you are DOING about it and how much you are DOING about it. There’s nothing shameful about an honest confession and an honest effort to “sin no more.” Take heart in that!
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Thanks but my answers were partly in jest to the OP’s original questions i.e. any male above a certain age must be gay if he ain’t getting “it.” And if I took the OP’s post wrong, I do apologize.
 
Edmundus1581 said:
I have been trying to think of signs you could look for that a man is not being honest about sex. One thing I can think of would be a man who is overly religious or philosophical in talking about sex and his own chastity. Whenever I hear a man talking like that I suspect that he’s covering something up. I don’t know why - it’s just a sixth sense. I guess I could be wrong.

:twocents:
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Religious or philosophical? What do you mean?
 
Grace, I must say, thanks for asking the tough questions! 😉 I think what is hard for us as women is to know that maybe we are more likely to have to accept more in a man’s “past” (and maybe occasional lapses in his “present”) than a man is with us. This may have changed somewhat in recent decades as some women don’t behave very ladylike either.

But let’s face it, we don’t have to contend with quite so much in terms of anatomy, visual stimulus temptation, peer pressure, etc. as most guys. This is a generalization so imperfect, and women face temptation too, not saying we don’t. But unless we’ve been really promiscuous or are “looking for love in the wrong places,” it seems like we can resist temptation against purity more easily.

I’d want to know that I could trust a potential husband about. I’d want to know he was trying if he did have a temptation issue - even if it would be difficult to hear, better that than being lied to. But it would be so cool if there were a larger pool of men who were chaste and it was seen as a normal thing - not something that would make a gal wonder: Is he secretly gay? Is he sneaking around with other women, or looking at unsavory websites?

Also, there are concerns about men who have been “experienced” - wondering, would he not be comparing me to some old girlfriend? Wanting me to do things I’m not comfortable with, etc.?
 
RoseMary131 said:
Ask God to bring you to the spouse He has chosen for you. As you date, ask the Holy Spirit to discern if that man is the one God has chosen for you.

You may find a chaste man who has faults you would never want in a spouse.

People sin in their lives. God forgives them their sins in the Sacrament of Confession. They are washed of their sins.

Allow God to send you a good and holy man. If he has committed sexual sins and confessed these, do not hold that against him.

It is a wonderful gift you have to offer your husband to give yourself only to him. If he has failed to be able to offer this gift to you, maybe he has been graced with the ability to offer complete sorrow to God for his sins and to turn to a life of sexual purity.
Click to expand...
Thank you. I pray often for his purity. Ultimately, if I felt a man was from God, I believe He would help me to deal with whatever his past is.
 
just_came_back said:
I’m 38, single and do not “chase women” and a practicing Catholic who yes does struggle with masturbation but not pornography. Seeing a shrink and doing some other spiritual insight. Am I a freak? Wow. What a shallow way to look at people!

I wish I were still a virgin. I lost my virginity at 18 and haven’t had intercourse since then. Only sex has been orally with women and all because I knew I was sinning. Am I a freak for this? Wow…

I pray God keep me UNTIL I am blessed to marry a practicing Catholic woman.👍
Click to expand...
I don’t think there was anything shallow about my question. I think it’s understandable to be concerned about a man who is actively or has recently been engaged in sexual acts with women.
 
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