"Older" Male Virgins

[GraceUnderFire]

I think that many females simply do not understand how strong these male urges are. They are no joke. Asking a non-asexual man to never give in to sexual temptation is like asking a woman to never go shopping for shoes. It still** doesn’t excuse sin**, of course, but let’s be honest here.

I wish we could re-define chaste as “fervent dedication to chastity,” not necessarily “flawless,” especially in this day and age in the West where we are pushing marriage back further and further into our late 20’s and 30’s.

I don’t fully understand, but I have an idea which is what worries me. Even as a woman, I look at what other women wear or the ads in the mall or commercials and I know some people think it begins and ends with the guy, but lets get real. There is so much out there that could cause even a really good guy to fall.

So, I get it. It’s not easy. However, while I don’t expect “flawless” I would *prefer *someone who waited for me. Ugh, but I know this is less likely–not IMPOSSIBLE–but less likely.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

I’m really enjoying the dialogue on this topic.

Now, my question is where are good placed to *meet *men committed to chastity?!?!

 

[The_Bucket]

Perhaps I can provide a little perspective, though I’m not older, nor a virgin. I guess I was old for losing my virginity, at least in this age, when I was 22. And it was not something I lost so much as it was given to my wife and hers to me as well on our wedding night. That is so nice, isn’t it?

Except that I was basically addicted to porn and masturbation from probably the time I was 14 until I was 20. I got off the addiction train at around 20-21, shortly before dating my wife, but the temptation was real. And then it resurfaced a few years into my marriage and nearly crushed my entire family. Thanks be to God I’m pushing through recovery these days.

So yeah, I’d definitely side with the folks who say it’s better to have someone who is not a virgin but understands chastity versus a virgin who has major chastity issues.

While I concur that basically every male has masturbated by his teens, I don’t know that everyone is exposed to pornography or is addicted to masturbation. In fact, while I’m sure nearly every person is tempted by the desires of the flesh, I don’t think the majority of people out there are truly addicted to acting on those temptations.

One thing to keep in mind is that God does not care about your past. He wants the next step. Just consider what Isaiah and Paul say in the readings for tomorrow’s Mass.

Isaiah:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

And Paul in Philippians admits he is far from perfect but is just moving forward every day. Past sins have temporal repercussions to be sure, but know that repentance and grace is real. I would have traded a “mistake” in my teens with another girl for my addiction in a heartbeat. I think my wife would have too.

 

[just_came_back]

I can also vouch for the OP that us practicing Catholic single men also have these same questions as it relates to women? TONIGHT AT MASS A GOOD EXAMPLE!

Attractive young lady sits beside me on the confessional pew. I see no ring on her finger, I make no effort to speak as I am trying to prepare my heart and mind for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. But I do think “is she here for the reasons I am here?”

Is she single? What makes her abstain? See it’s a two way street. Just saying…

 

[john78]

well if you want to make it even more difficult, what are the chances of a man an woman being in their 30s, and are virgins , then they are both practicing Catholics, and find each other physically attractive an on top of that are in love with each other.

and eventually get married and live a life time together.

I find it pretty much a big stretch that all married couples we see at Mass are actually both Catholic, and have gone through the proper procedures of being annuled, or married with in the Church… well it at least makes me wonder… I have heard a few stories of people who have been baptized,confirmed an recieved their first communion an then got married either in the same day or week… well one…

but with the rules the Church has in place in regards to marrage, being that we are not allowed to marry outside the faith, and if we do must have permission… it just seems the likely hood of finding a compatible , attractive mate with in the Church that is also a virgin, to be a very, very, slim chance. like threading a needle with one hand on a roller coaster.

Not saying it can’t happen, just saying God must be working over time to put these people together in the Church an keep them there…

 

[GraceUnderFire]

well if you want to make it even more difficult, what are the chances of a man an woman being in their 30s, and are virgins , then they are both practicing Catholics, and find each other physically attractive an on top of that are in love with each other.

and eventually get married and live a life time together.

I find it pretty much a big stretch that all married couples we see at Mass are actually both Catholic, and have gone through the proper procedures of being annuled, or married with in the Church… well it at least makes me wonder… I have heard a few stories of people who have been baptized,confirmed an recieved their first communion an then got married either in the same day or week… well one…

but with the rules the Church has in place in regards to marrage, being that we are not allowed to marry outside the faith, and if we do must have permission… it just seems the likely hood of finding a compatible , attractive mate with in the Church that is also a virgin, to be a very, very, slim chance. like threading a needle with one hand on a roller coaster.

Not saying it can’t happen, just saying God must be working over time to put these people together in the Church an keep them there…

I think the chances are very slim as you say, however, not impossible. And it’s no big deal for God–the problem is us, our lack of faith and patience! Waiting into your 30s, 40s or even longer can seem like such a cross when people you went to school with are all married and having babies. This is where trusting God and saying “fiat” come in. I can’t speak for other couples, but I am committed to waiting for the right man (notice I didn’t say perfect!).

 

[GraceUnderFire]

I can also vouch for the OP that us practicing Catholic single men also have these same questions as it relates to women? TONIGHT AT MASS A GOOD EXAMPLE!

Attractive young lady sits beside me on the confessional pew. I see no ring on her finger, I make no effort to speak as I am trying to prepare my heart and mind for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. But I do think “is she here for the reasons I am here?”

Is she single? What makes her abstain? See it’s a two way street. Just saying…

Yes, it is a two-way street. But, we’re out there!

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

I think it’s amazing if a heterosexual man is still a virgin beyond the age of 30, especially given the sexually charged climate we live in. However, do you think that such a man, although he is a virgin, likely

• engages in acts of impurity
• watches pornography
  to relieve some of the tension?

Yes.

Being virgin =/= Being clean-minded

(Heck, sometimes today’s understanding of being ‘pure’ is just as much a distortion in both inside and outside Catholic circles Having that sort of ‘clean’ mindset does not make you a saint and not all ‘dirty thoughts’ are sexual.)

I know that you can’t generalize, but when a guy says he’s a virgin, I immediate think “good for you!” then “but how are you able to stay totally chaste?”

First off, I think you might wanna redefine what you mean by ‘chaste.’ If it means I’ve never gone out and got some, then perhaps. If it means I have some iron control on my testosterone though, I’m sorry.

Besides, even if that were the case, the real me is far from your typical knight in shiny armor. I’m more like a bike riding vigilante in a geek’s body. My hot head doesn’t run on sexual thoughts.

Is it possible for a man who desires marriage to be *totally *chaste? Or is that unrealistic to expect? Should I be disappointed if a guy I’m dating is a virgin but struggles with those other issues?

What ‘other issues’ are we talking here?

OK, I think I can distill my question down even further: is it *reasonable *to expect that even a “good Catholic man” won’t struggle with sins of impurity or porn?

Even if he fights against that struggle, don’t come to the conclusion that your ideal man’s capacity for socializing with others will be perfect.

 

[Edmundus1581]

So yeah, I’d definitely side with the folks who say it’s better to have someone who is not a virgin but understands chastity versus a virgin who has major chastity issues.

And Paul in Philippians admits he is far from perfect but is just moving forward every day. Past sins have temporal repercussions to be sure, but know that repentance and grace is real. I would have traded a “mistake” in my teens with another girl for my addiction in a heartbeat. I think my wife would have too.

Both myself and my wife were virgins when we married, but I had been using porn since my teens. I didn’t know the severity of the problem though, as I just went through the rounds of confession and trying again. It was disastrous for our marriage. More importantly, it set me up for choosing the wrong person in the first place (and it was not because she was particularly “sexy”…) and for being unable to handle married life. I won’t go into all that, but let’s just say that the annulment was straight forward.

I agree with your conclusions. As is often noted, St Thomas Aquinas said that masturbation was more disordered than using a prostitute or other forms of extra-marital sex. (I don’t know the exact quote, and I don’t care - that’s my summary of it).

Thanks for sharing.

 

[Edmundus1581]

Perhaps I missed it, but has there not been one post yet from an older male virgin who has maintained chastity, or from a woman who married such a man?

I am sure that such men do exist, but I am advising the OP to be realistic how many she may find to choose from.

 

[JackieMom]

There is a big difference between a man who has looked at dirty magazines or videos, or masturbated, in the past, regretted it and confessed it and a man who makes these things ongoing parts of his life.

Do I think there is a man alive who has never had a lustful thought, touched himself or looked at a sexual image? Maybe, but I don’t know him! For that matter, I doubt I know any women who have never committed a sin against chastity. What I would not tolerate is a man who thinks this stuff is just fine and makes no effort to control himself. Nor would I be interested in dating a man who was currently struggling with a porn or masturbation obsession. Stuff happens from time to time, we feel bad and go to confession, but if it’s a serious ongoing problem that man needs to take care of his issues before dating.

 

[Luminous7]

Perhaps I can provide a little perspective, though I’m not older, nor a virgin. I guess I was old for losing my virginity, at least in this age, when I was 22. And it was not something I lost so much as it was given to my wife and hers to me as well on our wedding night. That is so nice, isn’t it?

Except that I was basically addicted to porn and masturbation from probably the time I was 14 until I was 20. I got off the addiction train at around 20-21, shortly before dating my wife, but the temptation was real. And then it resurfaced a few years into my marriage and nearly crushed my entire family. Thanks be to God I’m pushing through recovery these days.

So yeah, I’d definitely side with the folks who say it’s better to have someone who is not a virgin but understands chastity versus a virgin who has major chastity issues.

While I concur that basically every male has masturbated by his teens, I don’t know that everyone is exposed to pornography or is addicted to masturbation. In fact, while I’m sure nearly every person is tempted by the desires of the flesh, I don’t think the majority of people out there are truly addicted to acting on those temptations.

One thing to keep in mind is that God does not care about your past. He wants the next step. Just consider what Isaiah and Paul say in the readings for tomorrow’s Mass.

And Paul in Philippians admits he is far from perfect but is just moving forward every day. Past sins have temporal repercussions to be sure, but know that repentance and grace is real. I would have traded a “mistake” in my teens with another girl for my addiction in a heartbeat. I think my wife would have too.

---

Your type of story is what I was looking for more information on. So you’re married right, why turn to porn, sexual needs are not met through the spouse in marriage? If you don’t mind sharing with someone who has never been married but wants to know what they are getting themselves into
Also, what is it meant by porn/masturbation addiction, and how does this consume and wreck relationships?

Thx

 

[Luminous7]

Perhaps I missed it, but has there not been one post yet from an older male virgin who has maintained chastity, or from a woman who married such a man?

I am sure that such men do exist, but I am advising the OP to be realistic how many she may find to choose from.

---

I don’t know what is the OP’s, or your, definition of “virgin”. Pardon my crudeness but some people consider you a virgin only if you haven’t had intercourse, while others don’t consider one a virgin if you’ve had only oral sex.

 

[Luminous7]

I think the chances are very slim as you say, however, not impossible. And it’s no big deal for God–the problem is us, our lack of faith and patience! Waiting into your 30s, 40s or even longer can seem like such a cross when people you went to school with are all married and having babies. This is where trusting God and saying “fiat” come in. I can’t speak for other couples, but I am committed to waiting for the right man (notice I didn’t say perfect!).

“Originally Posted by john78 View Post
well if you want to make it even more difficult, what are the chances of a man an woman being in their 30s, and are virgins , then they are both practicing Catholics, and find each other physically attractive an on top of that are in love with each other.”​

“and find each other physically attractive” - and this one is the hardest. We’re all suckers for beauty, but I’ve found a handful with all the above but wasn’t physically attracted to them. Do you pass up the opportunity or in a sense “settle”. If you did settle, what happens if in 3, 6, 12 months, maybe 2 years, someone else comes along that did have all the above plus you found them physically attractive?? You might miss out on the chance you’ve been waiting for because you settled for possibly the wrong person. Can you trust God with such a gamble and keep holding out? Or are you “just suppose to know” when you cross paths with the right person - as the old saying goes? This I find to be the most frustrating thing.

 

[aemcpa]

If you did settle, what happens if in 3, 6, 12 months, maybe 2 years, someone else comes along that did have all the above plus you found them physically attractive??

Once you are married, other people don’t come along. Period.