Morning Prayer - I am no expert on discernment but here are some of my thoughts.
Trust God. I mean, really trust Him. He is working with you on this - without His help nothing is going to happen. But don’t expect your path to be strewn with roses and everyone to open their arms wide to you. Be prepared for every imaginable kind of obstacle and some that you can’t imagine. Be prepared for unkindness, even amongst clergy and nuns. Be prepared for disappointment, disillusionment and depression. But also be prepared for amazing opportunities, unexpected kindness and a joy that fills your heart. Throughout it all, remember that the only reason you want to do this (hopefully) is because you love Jesus. If it isn’t your reason, then maybe you need to start at that point and ask yourself just why you want religious life. We can endure almost anything for the one we love.
Trust yourself. Don’t second guess every feeling, every thought, every instinct that you have. Sure, we can be wrong, lots of times, but sometimes even the wrong thing is for our good in the long run. I look at some of the communities I have lived in and wonder why I ever thought I would fit in there - but looking back, the experience taught me a lot about myself and strengthened my trust in God. If you are worried about something - like the way a person speaks to you or some other intangible – trust your instincts and don’t try to force things. First impressions aren’t always right, but they are indicators that something might not be right. I failed to follow my instinct on one community and it turned out to be absolutely right. Once again, no regrets, but I did learn not to ignore warning signals.
It is always harder for us older women, I know, because we think, if I don’t accept the one that will accept me, then maybe I won’t get accepted anywhere. So we try to squeeze our size 9 foot into a size 7 shoe - and it might work until we start getting blisters and can’t walk anymore!
By the way - there are MANY communities out there who WILL accept older women, but the trick is to find them. A lot of research is necessary (and allowing oneself to be rejected when we make enquiries) - but also, we have to listen for God’s promptings - they are often very quiet inspirations that make us think about things in a different way.
And get to know yourself very well. If you don’t know who you are and what you want, and why you want it - then this whole thing might just be some kind of romantic dream that has no basis in reality. Convents are not ideal worlds full of holy people - they are everyday, ordinary places with human beings in them. There may be a saint or two floating around, but in my experience, most nuns are just like you and me - weak and flawed, and in some cases, even mean and unholy! So don’t idealize anything in your head. Be prepared to live with other ‘old’ women who can sometimes feel like supportive and loving sisters, and other times like vindictive and spiteful children. So, the reason one enters religious life is important. If one is there for Jesus, then it makes everything a little easier - because nothing is impossible for God.
And when enquiring whether a community accepts older women or not - a lot of their decision is going to be based on how you present yourself. If you write a one sentence email saying, Hi, I am a (insert age here) year old woman - would you consider me? - you can imagine the response. Thanks but no thanks. But try to send an email or write a letter explaining that – you are feeling (have always felt, whatever your situation) a call to religious life and want to know if it’s God’s will for you. You are (whatever age) but you are in excellent (good, fair) health (give some reasons why you think this - you just ran the Boston Marathon, walked the Camino, ride horses every day etc) and you are NOT looking for a retirement home or place to spend your final days! If you have a family, mention them briefly but stress that no one is dependent upon you and that you have no financial debts. The thing is, you need to sell yourself a little because our society tends to view older persons in a certain way - ready for the retirement home, ill, unfit for work etc. It isn’t any different than trying to get a job as a older person. II isn’t only convents that give us older women a hard time, believe me.
You will also get a lot of unwanted and hurtful advice from well meaning people. Even some of the reject letters from convents will suggest that you try a third order or secular group or your friends and family will ask why you can’t just be happy being a ‘parish lady’. Consider everything that everyone says, and make some decisions about each choice, so that you can say you have investigated these options and do/don’t feel that God is calling you to them. Recently I checked out a Franciscan Third Order to make sure that I was not pushing away the idea of a secular group without some thought and experience of it. God made it clear to me that I wasn’t called to join them. On the other hand, I was invited to visit a convent when I can - I am past their upper age limit, but my letter obviously intrigued them because they said they would like to meet me and have me stay with them for awhile before deciding. And that felt right to me - as if God was saying, I haven’t finished with you yet.
So get close to Jesus - and then get closer. But be practical as well. Perseverance isn’t just stubbornness - but one needs to know WHY they are persevering or they won’t have the strength to keep trying when things get really tough.
