On deciding not to have children

[Xantippe]

Thank you for your replies. I was feeling down at the time of making this thread, but I feel a little happier now… I’ve just returned from Mass, actually.

1. We briefly mentioned our autism to our parish priest during one of our pre-marriage meetings. He raised an eyebrow, said, “really - both of you?” and nothing more.

The problem is, though, that at the time we were getting married, and even now to some extent, my diagnosis was still on-going. I knew that I had some problems, but I wasn’t sure how they were going to affect me in the long-term. Before we married, we lived with my husband’s family… and so I had a lot of support and guidance from his mom… when we moved in to our current apartment, just the two of us, it was like an avalanche of things falling on me all at once… and I’m still not coping very well… and to add a child into the mix… I just feel like I wouldn’t be able to cope at the moment.

1. No.
2. Yes, but for it to be an impediment under canon law (1095) you have to be “wholly incapable” and the doctors tell me I’m not incapable, just that it would be more difficult for me than someone without autism.
3. Yes, we were married in the church.
4. Yes, I was dispensed by my confessor.

I loved the suggestion of getting involved with something kid-related. I think that would help me because I feel totally clueless. I did occasionally watch my sister’s eldest when he was small. I sort of managed okay with that. I’m just overwhelmed by the “full-time” aspect of parenthood. If I have a reasonably good day, I could probably cope… but on bad days… with no energy… when I’m popping glucose pills just to stay awake… I dunno what I’d do and that concerns me.

I’m just concerned because I’m getting older… and realistically, I will probably only be able to get pregnant for the next 5-6, at a push, years. And in the back of my head, there’s this thought that I’ll never feel ready… and what then? Is it straight to hell for never having kids?

No. But you probably should have some sort of ongoing program with a therapist, so that you are making progress (or at least trying to make progress) and have a third party to consult with (do you think I can manage to be with a baby all day?). You might not cross the threshhold while you were fertile, but you’d be making the effort. If you were working with a therapist and had a plan for working on your anxiety and improving your ability to be with children, as well as a program of gradual and increasing exposure to children, to me that sounds like a good faith effort.

By the way, do you have any OCD issues or urges toward hyper-tidiness? That can also be a problem for the new parent, either trying fruitlessly to keep hyper-clean or feeling downcast because it’s impossible.

Best wishes!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

No. But you probably should have some sort of ongoing program with a therapist, so that you are making progress (or at least trying to make progress) and have a third party to consult with (do you think I can manage to be with a baby all day?). You might not cross the threshhold while you were fertile, but you’d be making the effort. If you were working with a therapist and had a plan for working on your anxiety and improving your ability to be with children, as well as a program of gradual and increasing exposure to children, to me that sounds like a good faith effort.

By the way, do you have any OCD issues or urges toward hyper-tidiness? That can also be a problem for the new parent, either trying fruitlessly to keep hyper-clean or feeling downcast because it’s impossible.

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s another serious negative that you may not have considered: the genetic issues involved in two autistic people having children.

My husband and I have one 12-year-old with a diagnosis of mild autism, as well as a 9-year-old who has some autistic features and is a wee bit compulsive (I’ve been told to watch out for OCD) and a 1-year-old who is hyper-social and whose only autistic trait visible so far is that her speech seemed off track a few months ago. Since our oldest daughter got her diagnosis, we’ve had a hard look at ourselves and the ancestors we know about. Once you know what to look for, it’s quite obvious which ancestors also had autistic traits. I’m pretty sure both of my parents have autistic traits, I did as a child (but that was before Aspergers got to be a “thing”, so nobody had a name for having autistic traits without being a full-blown classic case), and so probably did one of my two siblings (one is relatively neurotypical). So far, my husband and I have managed pretty well with the kids that we have (our oldest was a handful at 6 and 7), but knowing what I know now (that if you have one autistic child, the chance of recurrence in a future child is about 1 in 7 and if it’s two autistic children, the chance is even greater), and knowing that the risks increase with age (as genetic mutations increase in the father), and knowing what serious autism looks like (never talking, never potty training, never living independently), the idea of planning more children does not look like a good bet for us. But if I were a young bride with no children and knew what I know today, it would probably look different.

All to say, your psychological issues are not the only negative here and genetic counseling may be a good idea. My only concern is that the genetic counselor (not being an autism specialist) wouldn’t understand the positive aspects of autism, and so might spook your husband. I think that within certain parameters, autistic parents may be better situated to deal with autistic children and help them flourish. But I do feel that you would benefit from understanding your particular risk profile.

Best wishes!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thank you for your replies. I was feeling down at the time of making this thread, but I feel a little happier now… I’ve just returned from Mass, actually.

1. We briefly mentioned our autism to our parish priest during one of our pre-marriage meetings. He raised an eyebrow, said, “really - both of you?” and nothing more.

The problem is, though, that at the time we were getting married, and even now to some extent, my diagnosis was still on-going. I knew that I had some problems, but I wasn’t sure how they were going to affect me in the long-term. Before we married, we lived with my husband’s family… and so I had a lot of support and guidance from his mom… when we moved in to our current apartment, just the two of us, it was like an avalanche of things falling on me all at once… and I’m still not coping very well… and to add a child into the mix… I just feel like I wouldn’t be able to cope at the moment.

1. No.
2. Yes, but for it to be an impediment under canon law (1095) you have to be “wholly incapable” and the doctors tell me I’m not incapable, just that it would be more difficult for me than someone without autism.
3. Yes, we were married in the church.
4. Yes, I was dispensed by my confessor.

I loved the suggestion of getting involved with something kid-related. I think that would help me because I feel totally clueless. I did occasionally watch my sister’s eldest when he was small. I sort of managed okay with that. I’m just overwhelmed by the “full-time” aspect of parenthood. If I have a reasonably good day, I could probably cope… but on bad days… with no energy… when I’m popping glucose pills just to stay awake… I dunno what I’d do and that concerns me.

I’m just concerned because I’m getting older… and realistically, I will probably only be able to get pregnant for the next 5-6, at a push, years. And in the back of my head, there’s this thought that I’ll never feel ready… and what then? Is it straight to hell for never having kids?

Thanks for answering the questions. It clears up the situation.

Is it straight to hell for never having kids?

Of course you know that a statement like that is not realistic. But as a lesson for others who may read this thread, this is probably something you should have deciphered before marrying.

You may use NFP until you have dealt with any medical problems, (including physiological) And if that is indefinitely then so be it. BUT you need to realize that your orientation against children is not the norm.

What you may not do is use ABC to avoid a child.

No matter what, if one uses NFP or ABC to avoid you must realize that the act itself must be ordered toward procreation. That does not mean that you HAVE to try to conceive but that you must keep sex in it’s holy place. And you have to be able to understand that when you engage in the act, you may become pregnant. No matter the method used.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

It is possible to take BC pills if one needs them for a medical problem like to regulate periods or some other physical condition. Is it the same for mental problems? I don’t see why not. If one has a bipolar mental problem and knows getting pregnant would make the problem worse or not being able to take care of a baby? How can one take their meds when it would cause birth defects?

Does the church take any of this into consideration when giving permission to take BC?

One may not take BC pills for the purpose of ABC. Period. You may use the drug that is in the pills to treat other problems. But if your “problem” is that you do not want a child, then that is not a reason to take them. Contrary to what many on the pro birth control side would have you believe, the pill is not a miracle drug to treat every problem.

We need to stay away from offering medical advice on the forums. But we also need to encourage people too seek not only professional advice from a trained doctor, but also ethical and moral advice as well. Luckily there are many pro life doctors out there!

The pill may also cause abortions.

 

[Emily2014]

Ah of course.

NAPRO doctors might be quite helpful! And medical advice should always be sought. But that advice can conflict with the Catholic faith.

One may not use ABC for contraception regardless. You do realize this and would never want someone to do that right?

As you are well aware from previous threads, I would never presume to give an opinion on such personal issues.

God bless you

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

As you are well aware from previous threads, I would never presume to give an opinion on such personal issues.

God bless you

Except for when you do.

Other threads do not enter into this one. You were unclear. It has now been cleared up.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Here’s another serious negative that you may not have considered: the genetic issues involved in two autistic people having children.

My husband and I have one 12-year-old with a diagnosis of mild autism, as well as a 9-year-old who has some autistic features and is a wee bit compulsive (I’ve been told to watch out for OCD) and a 1-year-old who is hyper-social and whose only autistic trait visible so far is that her speech seemed off track a few months ago. Since our oldest daughter got her diagnosis, we’ve had a hard look at ourselves and the ancestors we know about. Once you know what to look for, it’s quite obvious which ancestors also had autistic traits. I’m pretty sure both of my parents have autistic traits, I did as a child (but that was before Aspergers got to be a “thing”, so nobody had a name for having autistic traits without being a full-blown classic case), and so probably did one of my two siblings (one is relatively neurotypical). So far, my husband and I have managed pretty well with the kids that we have (our oldest was a handful at 6 and 7), but knowing what I know now (that if you have one autistic child, the chance of recurrence in a future child is about 1 in 7 and if it’s two autistic children, the chance is even greater), and knowing that the risks increase with age (as genetic mutations increase in the father), and knowing what serious autism looks like (never talking, never potty training, never living independently), the idea of planning more children does not look like a good bet for us. But if I were a young bride with no children and knew what I know today, it would probably look different.

All to say, your psychological issues are not the only negative here and genetic counseling may be a good idea. My only concern is that the genetic counselor (not being an autism specialist) wouldn’t understand the positive aspects of autism, and so might spook your husband. I think that within certain parameters, autistic parents may be better situated to deal with autistic children and help them flourish. But I do feel that you would benefit from understanding your particular risk profile.

Best wishes!

You know, we have gone rounds before about genetic issues and having children. But this post was a great post! I really liked it.

 

[Xantippe]

You know, we have gone rounds before about genetic issues and having children. But this post was a great post! I really liked it.

Thanks!