On leaving the park when it's time

[QwertyGirl]

In my experience, children are MUCH happier when the wishy-washy stuff goes out the window, and there are clear rules, boundaries, punishments and rewards, and they are enforced 100% all the time. Without the gray area, the child doesn’t have the stress of seeing how far he can push, how much he can get away with, and the inevitable negative reinforcement that comes when an incapable parent starts to show displeasure (and the child doesn’t really understand it’s because he’s acting like a little poop).

No doubt this does work great for most children. The problem is that part of successfully raising children is helping them learn how to navigate grey areas in life, so they will be functional adults when they grow up. A lot of life is grey that exists in the world. The technique you promote may work great in the immediate, but leaves a huge void in the area of teaching life skills of what to do when you find yourself in the grey with nobody directing you. I found that what always worked best with my child was giving options. Real choices. So for example…“Would you like to stay at the park for another 10 minutes, or would you rather leave now and stop for a lemonade on the way home?” or “Which shoes would you rather wear, the red or the blue?” (as opposed to “it is time to put your shoes on NOW”). It works because it teaches them how to make decisions when they have options. Somehow, and I can’t explain how, it also helps them develop clarity regarding the fact that there are some times they really don’t have a choice or an alternative. It might be because they develop trust through the whole process, so when the parent says “I am really sorry, but we don’t have a choice this time,” the child believes it and understands and is more apt to cooperate willingly.

 

[Spyridon]

But he ignored me when I called him. I had to get in the car and start to drive away before he would come

Forgive me for laughing at your frustration…

But that’s downright hilarious.

 

[PetraG]

In the end, I cannot count the number of parents who had the perfect “system” until #4 or #5 showed up and had a temperament unlike any of their brothers and sisters.

For instance, I know children that will stop at any negative consequence. They don’t like losing things. With other kids, when they are faced with the threat of a negative consequence you can just see the little gears turning as they pause and weigh whether the fruit of the insubordination will pay the freight of the same punishment. For them, the punishment has to outweigh the lure of the crime. They’re willing to do the time in order to go ahead and choose the crime. Some even run on the “I may as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb” theory. If they know they’re going to pay for their misbehavior, they try to get their “money’s worth.”

That last example is why I have the rule “always have another worse punishment in reserve.” You never want to threaten to do the worst possible thing, because then you don’t have a fall-back to make things even more awful if the transgressor decides to go for broke. If they’re not going to be good, at least give them a reason to know they want to be “less bad.”

Other children, when faced with consequences that barely turned a hair on older siblings will melt into a puddle if the same consequence is applied to them. They may become so afraid of doing the wrong thing that they won’t even show an appropriate level of independence.

Others get very angry and have to be lead back to repent with assurance that there is no cause for a break in relationship. They make a catastrophy out of every conflict and are determined to hand out the rejection notice first, lest they have to go through being rejected first.

 

[benjamin1973]

Absolutely.

However, various kinds of teaching and conditioning aren’t mutually exclusive.

My son is in Grade 1. If I catch him doing something especially dangerous, like running into a street after a ball, he is likely to remember that day for the rest of his life: he will be shouted at, he will see his favorite ball thrown in a public trash bin, he might even get spanked.

However, once the point’s been made, I will spend a lot of time talking to him about rules. I’ll get him to explain in his own words WHY he was spanked, and what he should be thinking about whenever he starts to play. The next time he goes out, I’ll ask him to recall what we talked about and repeat it once more. Maybe I’ll give him stickers on his “Buy-a-Bike” poster if he shows especial mindfulness the next time he goes out to play.

I’ve seen parents teaching their kids to make sensible decisions, and using healthy motivators. Back to the OP, I’ve seen people give their kids a fair choice, like the one you described. But what happens when the 10 minutes have passed, and the child refuses to leave the park anyway?

To me, a willful confrontation is not a negotiable issue. If the parent says, “Okay, five more minutes, but understand that we won’t have time to buy ice cream” and then ten minutes later the kid is still running around, saying “One more minute. . . just one more minute!” then throws a temper tantrum on the way home because you didn’t go for ice cream, then there’s a problem.

 

[Viki63]

In that case, I think you would just have to continue repeating the lesson until learned: you don’t get ice cream if you don’t come when called. Dr Guarendi talks about keeping it up until it sinks in. Since the kid has several caretakers, it might take more than once to get the message, because who knows what lessons he’s learning from other family?
I’ve been trying the 1-2-3 method, after an initial blast when he ignored it, and it’s been working well. (I didn’t yell at him, because he gets enough yelling. I just moved him bodily and swiftly where I wanted him.)

 

[Loud-living-dogma]

123 is awesome in my opinion. Once the kid understands, you rarely get as far as 3

 

[benjamin1973]

It sounds to me like you needed encouragement more than advice, after all. You go, girl!

 

[Viki63]

Actually, the advice has been very helpful. Especially the reminder about 1-2-3. It’s hard to believe it would be so effective!