On Pornography addiction

[smndtupidisaftr]

I didn’t know where else to put this thread. This seemed like the best place.

Anyway, this is something I’ve been dealing with for almost 10 years. I don’t do it as often as I once did, but I still am addicted to watching porn. During Lent, before Christmas, I always find it hard to give up this habit. I always feel terrible after doing it, but I just can’t seem to quit it.

Well now I have a girlfriend and I promised her that I would stop doing it. It worked for a while but eventually I was back at it. I couldn’t keep the secret from her any longer so I eventually told her yesterday. She saw it as me cheating on her (and I can level with that because I can’t exactly say that it isn’t cheating), and so today gave me an ultimatum. I feel horrible about going back on the promise I made to her, and the ultimatum makes me feel worse. It’s like the relationship can’t be the same because of my stupid addiction. It’s making me sin against God and may cause me to lose my girlfriend. I want to know how to break this addiction already.

 

[Bob4BVM]

This is gonna sound nuts, but please do this, you are in for a shock Pal.
DO the best you can to stay away from the porn. I know that is a huge thing, long habits just become part of us.

But without fail, pray a Rosary every day, asking Our Lady for her prayers and help.
You need to commit yourself to the prayer, you have to show God that this is your choice, to make the change.
He IS THERE, He DOES HEAR, but He is not kicking any doors down, you have to show Him that you want him to come in. The free will He gives you to do this is because of the love he has for you-so He won’t force you to change against your will.
Say the rosarys, let Jesus & His Mom take it from there, they’ll let you know what else you need to do. Pray, then listen !

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
“God has assigned as a duty to every man, the dignity of every woman.” Pope John Paul II​

“For Christ established his Church, not as a museum for saints, but as a hospital for sinners.” CCC
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

[psalm42]

hey i hope this helps at all. my boyfriend and i have dated for over 2 years now and he’s addicted to porn. we have come a long way since over a year when i found out it was a struggle… but it has been a very, very hard road for me. we’ve talked to a priest last weekend and have both been praying. hes been good since januray but i don’t want to think about marriage right now since i realized he is addicted. however, ive done a lot of research myself on porn and have tried to be understanding. what may help your gf is to do research about it and talk about it openly. if she just realized that you struggle with it like you say, her hurt is going to be fresh and raw, like mine was. the good thing about it is this brought me closer to God and i truly believe my bf sincerely wants to quit. we’ve come a lobg way as starting yesterday he tells me how he is doing with porn, on wednesdays ansd saturdays. one day of the week i tell him how i feel. he doesn’t have 100% of my trust yet, which is something we both have to deal with. i hope this helps you understand a little bit about my side with my bf. i will probably write later idf i think of something else (im at work). praying for you two!

 

[psalm42]

also, he has been the best he has been since this past november. it is a process but i know it can be defeated! he goes to confession more now, talks regularly to a priest, and we may see a counselor. im getting involed in a women’s group to help me too.

what hurts the most is if he lies to ne (did that once awhile ago) so being honest that he has looked at it 9Not at what he looks at but that he looked) helps alleive my anxiety. honesty honesty honesty and lots of PRAYER!!!

 

[smndtupidisaftr]

Thanks everyone. I know that going to confession regularly and praying the rosary will really help. So is being honest with her. I feel much better that I’m not keeping this secret from her anymore, but I just have to keep being honest with her. Thanks for the messages and the prayers.

 

[Sina]

Praying for all of those who are addicted to porn.

smndtupidisaftr, one extreme you can try is maybe put your computer away? Do you use a computer at work? You can use your email from there maybe… but cut off all extra curricular computer time. It’s extreme but it might work?

 

[flyingfish]

I want to know how to break this addiction already.

Stop calling it an addiction, the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual does not list either sex or internet addiction. When you say you are “addicted” to porn, you are setting up a certain frame of mind that conjures images of drug addicts who can’t resist drugs.

Medical professionals would not call you an addict, so don’t use a medical term.

You enjoy porn and you choose to look at porn. Think of it that way.

As far as I know, the best way to break a habit is to substitute something else for it. If giving up porn is too much for you, at least switch to written porn. Your girlfriend probably will not be upset over you reading about sexual scenarios, since you would not be looking at pictures/videos of other women.

 

[mjs1987]

Stop calling it an addiction, the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual does not list either sex or internet addiction. When you say you are “addicted” to porn, you are setting up a certain frame of mind that conjures images of drug addicts who can’t resist drugs.

Medical professionals would not call you an addict, so don’t use a medical term.

You enjoy porn and you choose to look at porn. Think of it that way.

As far as I know, the best way to break a habit is to substitute something else for it. If giving up porn is too much for you, at least switch to written porn. Your girlfriend probably will not be upset over you reading about sexual scenarios, since you would not be looking at pictures/videos of other women.

1. It is an addiction. Not every addiction HAS to have a medical diagnosis. Unless you use an extremely strict definition. Also, drug addicts become addicts because they enjoy to take drugs. They do not magically become addicted. Porn can be the same thing. After a while, you do not like the porn so much as the feeling and high that goes with it. Actually, the women can be quite sad to look at since they get really abused in many pornographic scenes. The only reason it is not listed as an addiction is because the internet porn that we have now is fairly new on a widespread basis and because few are willing to talk about it openly. In fact, there are ongoing studies into this addiction: msnbc.msn.com/id/3078769/

Just because it is fairly new and not a listed addiction doesnt mean that it isnt one.

1. For him, written porn is just as bad since that is still a mortal sin. He doesnt need to answer to just his girlfriend but to God. This is besides the fact that many women will be upset by written porn also.

 

[spirit4life]

I didn’t know where else to put this thread. This seemed like the best place.
Anyway, this is something I’ve been dealing with for almost 10 years. I don’t do it as often as I once did, but I still am addicted to watching porn. During Lent, before Christmas, I always find it hard to give up this habit. I always feel terrible after doing it, but I just can’t seem to quit it.
Well now I have a girlfriend and I promised her that I would stop doing it. It worked for a while but eventually I was back at it. I couldn’t keep the secret from her any longer so I eventually told her yesterday. She saw it as me cheating on her (and I can level with that because I can’t exactly say that it isn’t cheating), and so today gave me an ultimatum. I feel horrible about going back on the promise I made to her, and the ultimatum makes me feel worse. It’s like the relationship can’t be the same because of my stupid addiction. It’s making me sin against God and may cause me to lose my girlfriend. I want to know how to break this addiction already.

Dear SMND…,

you are addicted to porn because it is filling a ‘hole’ or ‘vacuum’ in your life/spirit that is supposed to have something else in there.

That ‘something else’ is the all-consuming-love-for-God and the burning-desire to share this love with others.

If you remove the porn, but fail to replace it with ACL4G, the porn will just ‘pop back in’.

Focus your efforts then on ACL4G, and the porn won’t have a chance. God’s Grace will make sure of that. Start here to get an idea on how to fulfill your responsibility for ACL4G: familyland.be/mercy/77-the-seven-dimensions-of-the-responsibililty-of-the-present-moment.html

prayers for you that the Light of Gods Grace for purity reach your heart . . .

-S

 

[flyingfish]

1. It is an addiction. Not every addiction HAS to have a medical diagnosis. Unless you use an extremely strict definition.

I don’t think it’s helpful to a person who wants to quit looking at porn to view himself as an addict. Also addiction has a specific meaning in relation to the biochemistry of the brain. I don’t think it’s helpful to say you’re addicted to porn any more than it’s helpful to say you’re addicted to golf or skiing or upgrading your car. It doesn’t describe the actual situation, and in my opinion makes a person think of themselves as a hopeless case.

The word “addict” tends to have those kinds of hopeless connotations, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a person’s ability to quit is affected by his belief that he can’t.

 

[whatevergirl]

*You might think differently flyingfish, if you read some medical journals about these types of addictions. It’s still rather new, internet and sex addiction–it being called that. I have read that with many sex ‘‘addicts’’…when their brain activity has been studied through a catscan, mimics someone addicted to opiates. The endorphin and dopamine flow of the brain is very very similiar…so, perhaps someone who is addicted to porn, is rather addicted to the ‘‘high’’ he gets from viewing it. Then, the behavior becomes almost compulsory…because the person is upping the ante and looking for the next high. That is why some drugs are psychologically addicting and not physically addicting. Not all drugs are physically addictive, by the way. I am not saying a person isn’t culpable for viewing porn…but what I am saying is that if the person views it a lot…it can create a ‘high’ type of feeling that needs to be ‘fed.’ And the person ‘‘feels’’ addicted.

Praying for you OP. I am sorry you’re struggling with this, but I like the idea of praying the Rosary without fail daily…and I’d also add, maybe finding a social support group in your local area to help you let your feelings out about it…and heal. *

 

[Havard]

I don’t think it’s helpful to a person who wants to quit looking at porn to view himself as an addict. Also addiction has a specific meaning in relation to the biochemistry of the brain. I don’t think it’s helpful to say you’re addicted to porn any more than it’s helpful to say you’re addicted to golf or skiing or upgrading your car. It doesn’t describe the actual situation, and in my opinion makes a person think of themselves as a hopeless case.

The word “addict” tends to have those kinds of hopeless connotations, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a person’s ability to quit is affected by his belief that he can’t.

Regardless, the OP has expressed extreme frustration at his inability to stop. So, there is a compulsive element which he’s struggling with. Compulsive behavior isn’t always related to addiction, but it’s still disordered and can require therapy.

Even though he’s a secular Hollywood guy, I respect Dr. Drew Pinsky’s opinion on issues like these. He has been diagnosing and treating people for problematic sexual behavior, which includes people who want to stop looking at porn and masturbating.

 

[flyingfish]

*You might think differently flyingfish, if you read some medical journals about these types of addictions. It’s still rather new, internet and sex addiction–it being called that. *

Why do you t hink the American Psychiatric Association doesn’t include sex addictions in their manual? They include gambling and food as far as I know. Internet may be “new”, but sex certainly isn’t.
Havard;6362411:

Regardless, the OP has expressed extreme frustration at his inability to stop. So, there is a compulsive element which he’s struggling with. Compulsive behavior isn’t always related to addiction, but it’s still disordered and can require therapy.

Right, and maybe the first step is to stop thinking of yourself as an addict. If you are telling yourself you’re an addict, have no control, can’t stop etc. wouldn’t you be less likely to succeed?

 

[whatevergirl]

*I like Dr Drew…he is great. He speaks in a more secular, clinical way, but he definitely is astute when it comes to addictions like this…I haven’t watched his program in years, I think he has a program on actually now, for celebs with sexual ‘‘addictions.’’ I don’t particularly like the word, addiction, either…because we tend to think of helplessness when we think of the word…but to a degree, we’re all helpless and in need of a Savior, our Lord Jesus Christ.

OP–Something that might help you, is giving up viewing porn for Lent…avoid whatever leads you to the near occasion of sin, in this regard. Like giving up any particular bad habit, food, or whatever for Lent…we HAVE to learn to stop turning to something other than God for comfort when life gets tough. Just a suggestion. *

 

[whatevergirl]

Why do you t hink the American Psychiatric Association doesn’t include sex addictions in their manual? They include gambling and food as far as I know. Internet may be “new”, but sex certainly isn’t.

I have a feeling it will eventually make it into there…do we really think someone can’t control opening up their wallet and throwing money away better known as gambling? That’s more of a stretch to me calling that an addiction, than sexual addiction, frankly. But, like gambling, and other addictions…I have read that the part of the brain that deals with pleasure, is heightened when viewing porn, for many men. That is what keeps many, not all, coming back for more…it seems. I’m only conveying the info I have seen and read in documentaries and articles in the past on sexual addictions. Again–not saying someone isn’t culpable for one’s actions…we are all culpable to varying degrees. But, look at masturbation for example, and what is written in the CCC. It states that a person MIGHT BE LESS CULPABLE if an addiction is present. Since this is a Catholic forum, it bears mentioning that the Church even realizes that sometimes, people act out bad behaviors due to ‘‘force of acquired habits,’’ aka addictions.*

2352 By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. "Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action."138 “The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.” For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of "the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved."139

To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, **force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability. **

 

[Havard]

Why do you t hink the American Psychiatric Association doesn’t include sex addictions in their manual? They include gambling and food as far as I know. Internet may be “new”, but sex certainly isn’t.

Right, and maybe the first step is to stop thinking of yourself as an addict. If you are telling yourself you’re an addict, have no control, can’t stop etc. wouldn’t you be less likely to succeed?

NO! ALL of the major 12 step programs, especially Al Anon, advocate the exact opposite. I’m guessing you’ve not spent any time with people who are in rehab programs?

al-anon-alateen-msp.org/pages/12steps.html
nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Principles.html
gamblersanonymous.org/recovery.html
oa.org/new-to-oa/twelve-steps.php
etc.

Also, you may find this interesting (yes, I know it’s Oprah, but still, Dr. Drew is not your average Hollywood shrink)

youtube.com/watch?v=6J2saapueIg&NR=1

 

[psalm42]

I agree with most of these posts. Some people can be addicted to porn!

I read a Catholic brochure titled, “A Guide for Catholics: Getting Internet Pornography out of your Life” by Chris Countryman and it had three assessments one could do to measure how extreme their habit was.He states, " it [porn] changes your character and your actions. It infects your mind and heart, and it subtly takes over your life…you may be doing things you wouldn’t have dreamed of doing or that are beyond the limits you set for yourself…it may seem like a “choice” until you go back and look at your values and behaviors before you started using internet porn".

Along with many other articles and books, Internet porn is an addiction for some people, and it is not to be taken lightly. But like other addictions, it can of course be beaten.

Like what other people mentioned, what leads a person to view more and more porn–all the way to hardcore is the high they get, they cannot get that same high as they are more desensitized, which thus leads to a greater increase in the porn they watch…its a vicious cycle.

Candeocan.com is a good website about porn addiction, too.

I am just saying that I do believe that some people are addicted to porn.

 

[jwashu]

And if you read the latest research you would realize that many Psychiatrist today understand that those programs never help anyone overcome the addiction… they are always and addict, they can’t learn to control it. The best goal for someone who is an Alcoholic is to be able to overcome that addiction so that they could have a drink every so often and stop, then they have beat the addiction. AA teaches that you are always a slave to the alcohol.

With Porn though the Church teaches that it’s always wrong so there is no every once and a while.

However not all churches teach this and many Christians feel it’s ok as a martial ad or to help one keep from having intercourse before marriage. These both do not fit our understanding of a Catholic marriage.

My point, and I believe Flyingfish as well, is that we seem, as fallible humans to like to do things we aren’t suppose to Have you ever noticed that few German or English teenagers feel they have to drink a whole 12 pack when they have a beer? while often American kids binge drink the moment they “can.” Often this is due partly to lack of understanding but primarily due to the whole rebellion concept. They aren’t suppose to drink so it makes drinking more attractive. The same thing applies to porn.

Many couples who might have looked and porn in the past together, neither spouse seemed to care, eventually realized it wasn’t a big deal and / or were led to understand that it really wasn’t as much of a “marital aid” as some might suggest.

At least part of the issue I believe is that it was no longer a big deal. My wife never cared, she knew where I always slept and she was never threatened, probably because if I did look at porn sometime in the past, I often apt to say “hey honey, check this out!” We, like some others on this board fell away from that, for us well before we became Catholic, because, eh, it just didn’t matter, we were probably better at figuring out new things ourselves anyway.

So my point to the OP is this, you aren’t addicted. You are a normal male who is genetically predisposed to enjoy seeing the other sex naked. Yes I believe God made us this way… thus your desire is normal. The problem is that porn takes that desire out of context and carries it a lot further into a real of degeneration and the objectivation of the opposite sex. No longer is your wife of girlfriend seen as beautiful inside and out… you just see the outside and a sexual object for your desires… and that becomes a problem.

The solution, realize your desire is normal and pray for God to give you strength and help you figure out a way to release that in an acceptable manner. Know that He will but also treat this like any other mortal sin… don’t make it something it’s not. And make sure your girlfriend understand this as well because there seem to be many, even on this board, who don’t.

For instance, look at Gossip… how many lives have been ruined through Gossip? many more than porn I would bet yet how many people gossip daily? how many gossip daily to their friends then get on this board and tell someone they should leave their husband because he looked at porn and is thus definitely an addict. And how many people want to judge someone for looking at porn when they watch Soap Operas and shows like Desperate Housewives? According to the Church porn is anything artificial that is intended to get you sexually excited outside of the marital embrace. So yea that means the Romance Novels are porn in most cases…

Finally realize that you are probably going to fail from time to time… and like any other mortal sin, you go to confession, ask for forgiveness and do better next time. Don’t let the Devil make this one single sin into something that can control and ruin your life, treat it as a sin and know that God will always be there to help you continually grow closer to Him.

Joe

PS - When I say most aren’t addicts I mean people who view porn from time to time. This is not talking about people who have viewed it or do in front of their children, or view it every single day multiple times a day. While there may be no diagnosis, I would say there is something psychologically wrong with those other individuals, could be exhibitionism, OCD behavior with the porn etc… and those individuals should seek professional help.

 

[MedStudent]

Just want to point out that this may not be the right place on to debate whether or not porn is addictive or not. It clearly is since it is giving this young man a problem and debating the issue isn’t helping him overcome his burden.

To smndtupidisaftr,
Keep praying and go talk to your priest. I realize that it may be unrealistic to say “get rid of your computer,” but try this: Put a picture of you and your girlfriend next to your computer. Whenever you feel the desire to view porn, look at the picture and remember that you are not just giving it up for yourself, but also for her.

Best of luck, and God bless!

 

[jwashu]

Good thought Medstudent… what I forgot to mention in my post was that I read on another thread where someone put a statue of the Blessed Virgin next to their PC monitor. A picture of your Girlfriend and you together on one side and the Blessed Mother on the other and I bet it will help remind you

It won’t help to spend some time each week, or daily if you are in college or close to a Church, in front of the Blessed Sacrament for a hour or so. You don’t have to pray the whole time, you can read or just think… I fail to do it as much as I would like but always feel so at ease after sometime in the physical presence of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Joe