Online Dating Sites and Self Esteem

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Norm640

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Doncha wish it were the good ole days, where the pool of available single people to date/marry was relegated to your town/city/village? Or, in some cultures, where your parents did the hard work for you and found someone for you to spend the rest of your life with?

Dating sites, man, I’m talkin’ about dating sites. All of them. Even the “Catholic” ones. They are all based on looks and promote the idea that we can find the “perfect” person for us. He/she is just another click away. So we never take time to get to know the person. Or we ignore the subtle voice inside us telling us to take a chance. We just keep clickin’ away, relying on our own imperfect standards.

Indeed, if those standards were so good we wouldn’t be on dating sites.

If you are like me and blessed with nuclear shyness, OCD, and weapons-grade bad looks, it is even worse. You can get a decade’s worth of rejection in 30 minutes.

But where are we to go? If you live in a big city there are options. If you live in a small town like I do, there aren’t any. So we get back on the sites, every day, religiously and hope and pray someone gives us a second look. And takes that chance.
 
Norm640 said:
Doncha wish it were the good ole days, where the pool of available single people to date/marry was relegated to your town/city/village? Or, in some cultures, where your parents did the hard work for you and found someone for you to spend the rest of your life with?

Dating sites, man, I’m talkin’ about dating sites. All of them. Even the “Catholic” ones. They are all based on looks and promote the idea that we can find the “perfect” person for us. He/she is just another click away. So we never take time to get to know the person. Or we ignore the subtle voice inside us telling us to take a chance. We just keep clickin’ away, relying on our own imperfect standards.

Indeed, if those standards were so good we wouldn’t be on dating sites.

If you are like me and blessed with nuclear shyness, OCD, and weapons-grade bad looks, it is even worse. You can get a decade’s worth of rejection in 30 minutes.

But where are we to go? If you live in a big city there are options. If you live in a small town like I do, there aren’t any. So we get back on the sites, every day, religiously and hope and pray someone gives us a second look. And takes that chance.
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Norm,
I could be your female counterpart, except that I’m 57 years old.

Please stop punishing yourself by looking on those dating sites. Those folks, while many are sincere, are not able to project their real personalities to you, nor you to them. It is very hard to meet people with the intention of dating these days. Especially in a small town.

I know from other posts that you have not had much luck at church. Is there anyway you could take some continuing education classes at a local college? If you are interested in a certain subject (mine was aviation history) you may meet a woman with the same interests. She may not be cheerleader cute, or rich, or have social entre’, but let give her a chance to get to know you. She may think you are fascinating, because of what is between your ears and what is in your heart, not based on your looks.

Don’t give up on yourself! I think you are a great guy.
 
I don’t know. I met my husband on Catholicmatch and he’s worked out great. I don’t know why it would be better to be rejected in person than online. Either way stinks. I think the best thing to do is to pray for the person God intends for you to be with and search for them in whatever way you are comfortable.
 
“weapons grade bad looks”
You crack me up Norm.

Listen, I was on Catholic Singles when I came across my husband. He looked awful.
I mean, like omg this guy’s never never gonna have anyone talk to him homely.
Sysrly. I felt sorry for him. Finally came across him in the chat room of the site. Chatted. Seemed nice. His name continually came up as a match for me. I always said, nah…don’t think so.
Then I gave him a chance. We talked daily for 2 years, and finally met after I was convinced he wasn’t some weirdo or scammer.
Turns out it was just a butt-ugly picture and he’s great! Nice looking, (not uber handsome, but hey, I’m no looker either) but most importantly we share the same values, same faith, same odd sense of humor, etc. He’s kind.
I think you should give it some more time. He didn’t meet me until he was 46! Single all that time, but never gave up. Prayed a lot.

Cut yourself some slack man, If you don’t ease up on yourself, who will? I like your sense of humor, but I worry that underneath it all, you really believe all that negative stuff about yourself. Fight it. It’s difficult, given the lack of “success” in the dating area. But you have to project confidence and warmth. Be nice to yourself.
Lots of women are looking for guys that are genuine. That’s the bottom line trait you have to put forth. Kindness, sincerity, warmth, humor.
Peace
pianist
 
Keep in mind that not everyone on the dating site is actually looking for a date right now or ready to date just yet. Some people are just browsing and seeing what’s out there. So just because you got a ton of profile views and no messages, or people haven’t replied to messages you sent, doesn’t mean that you are being “rejected.”

Don’t give up or lose hope, but don’t obsess about the dating site, either. Just work on yourself to be the best person you can be. A lot of people found their match when they stopped looking and had learned to be happy just being themselves. 👍
 
pianistclare said:
“weapons grade bad looks”
You crack me up Norm.

Listen, I was on Catholic Singles when I came across my husband. He looked awful.
I mean, like omg this guy’s never never gonna have anyone talk to him homely.
Sysrly. I felt sorry for him. Finally came across him in the chat room of the site. Chatted. Seemed nice. His name continually came up as a match for me. I always said, nah…don’t think so.
Then I gave him a chance. We talked daily for 2 years, and finally met after I was convinced he wasn’t some weirdo or scammer.
Turns out it was just a butt-ugly picture and he’s great! Nice looking, (not uber handsome, but hey, I’m no looker either) but most importantly we share the same values, same faith, same odd sense of humor, etc. He’s kind.
I think you should give it some more time. He didn’t meet me until he was 46! Single all that time, but never gave up. Prayed a lot.

Cut yourself some slack man, If you don’t ease up on yourself, who will? I like your sense of humor, but I worry that underneath it all, you really believe all that negative stuff about yourself. Fight it. It’s difficult, given the lack of “success” in the dating area. But you have to project confidence and warmth. Be nice to yourself.
Lots of women are looking for guys that are genuine. That’s the bottom line trait you have to put forth. Kindness, sincerity, warmth, humor.
Peace
pianist
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Some people just don’t photograph well and look a LOT better in person.
 
Sarcelle said:
Some people just don’t photograph well and look a LOT better in person.
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That’s true and some people can’t seem to tell a bad photograph from a good photograph. If I was a person who got hung up on looks, I wouldn’t have responded to my husband’s first picture. He looked like he was being hauled off to prison. First thing I did when we got engaged was give him smiling lessons. I didn’t want him messing up our wedding pictures with his photo scowl. The rediculous thing is, he’s really handsome in real life. He just feels the need to stare blankly every time someone points a camera at him. 🤷
 
I do believe everything I say about my looks. That is why I’ve worked so hard to improve my looks. Even did anabolic steroids three times to try and “look good”. Guess what? They didn’t work. Only me…

There is always truth in humor.

I’ve been on online dating sites for about 10 years now. Here’s hoping something good happens!
pianistclare said:
“weapons grade bad looks”
You crack me up Norm.

Listen, I was on Catholic Singles when I came across my husband. He looked awful.
I mean, like omg this guy’s never never gonna have anyone talk to him homely.
Sysrly. I felt sorry for him. Finally came across him in the chat room of the site. Chatted. Seemed nice. His name continually came up as a match for me. I always said, nah…don’t think so.
Then I gave him a chance. We talked daily for 2 years, and finally met after I was convinced he wasn’t some weirdo or scammer.
Turns out it was just a butt-ugly picture and he’s great! Nice looking, (not uber handsome, but hey, I’m no looker either) but most importantly we share the same values, same faith, same odd sense of humor, etc. He’s kind.
I think you should give it some more time. He didn’t meet me until he was 46! Single all that time, but never gave up. Prayed a lot.

Cut yourself some slack man, If you don’t ease up on yourself, who will? I like your sense of humor, but I worry that underneath it all, you really believe all that negative stuff about yourself. Fight it. It’s difficult, given the lack of “success” in the dating area. But you have to project confidence and warmth. Be nice to yourself.
Lots of women are looking for guys that are genuine. That’s the bottom line trait you have to put forth. Kindness, sincerity, warmth, humor.
Peace
pianist
Click to expand...
 
Allegra said:
That’s true and some people can’t seem to tell a bad photograph from a good photograph. If I was a person who got hung up on looks, I wouldn’t have responded to my husband’s first picture. He looked like he was being hauled off to prison. First thing I did when we got engaged was give him smiling lessons. I didn’t want him messing up our wedding pictures with his photo scowl. The rediculous thing is, he’s really handsome in real life. He just feels the need to stare blankly every time someone points a camera at him. 🤷
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:rotfl:
I hear you!
I think a lot of men do that.
 
Norm, stop trying to find a wife on those sites. Use them instead to just converse, help with your shyness, and hopefully make some actual friends - even if just online. You’re than find some fulfillment, friends, self-esteem - social skills, and dating prospects will become far easier to find.
 

I’m sixty-five, male, and never married. Do I have any regrets? No.
My sister says I had an interesting life.
While who you are is important, what you do in this world may be more important.
Some people say what you do is who you are!​

Girls often have a problem with self-esteem, ( Yeah, the OP is male. ) which is why there are many Catholic high schools for girls only. They don’t have to compete with the boys.
We all compete. A man competes with other men for the best woman.
Not everybody can win this competition, but all can achieve self-esteem through living a worthwhile life.
On page 1, Theresa describes herself as a ten year old girl--------

… Nobody could have dreamed of what I would do a few years later, and nobody would have believed it if they’d been told, but when this story began I was a little girl who didn’t have much of a clue about anything. My job as a kid was to figure out what the heck was going on and what to do about it. It’s not easy when you’re young and everything is brand new.
… My father once served a tour in the Navy. He said I had to be the captain of my ship but sometimes the seas would be rough. I had to learn all I could about the world. I wondered why should I be worrying about it in the fourth grade?

In chapter 25 she thinks--------------

… How did I come so far?
… Everything in the last nine years pushed me in this direction. HAL made me serious minded at ten. The kids called me the world’s champion tomboy because I soon lost interest in girl things, and there was playing baseball on the boys’ team. I think I even detected some worry in mom’s face. Was I getting weird?
… No, I was developing confidence to do anything. The intellectual potential test, good family support, the attention I got from Jan Struthers’ watchers, being careful to keep myself out of trouble when so many kids around me were ruining their lives, the steady dating with Jeff Winslow, my quick early acceptance to BC, and Steve, all combined to build my psyche to where I could step up as Empress Theresa.
 
Allegra said:
That’s true and some people can’t seem to tell a bad photograph from a good photograph. If I was a person who got hung up on looks, I wouldn’t have responded to my husband’s first picture. He looked like he was being hauled off to prison. First thing I did when we got engaged was give him smiling lessons. I didn’t want him messing up our wedding pictures with his photo scowl. The rediculous thing is, he’s really handsome in real life. He just feels the need to stare blankly every time someone points a camera at him. 🤷
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I do not photograph well at all. People say I always look mad in photos.
If people do get hung up on looks and miss meeting a great match that’s their loss.
 
InigoMontoya said:
Norm, stop trying to find a wife on those sites. Use them instead to just converse, help with your shyness, and hopefully make some actual friends - even if just online. You’re than find some fulfillment, friends, self-esteem - social skills, and dating prospects will become far easier to find.
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Great advise.👍
Not only for men but for women as well.
 
I always get told I look mean too. But at least you were never told you “looked evil”, which a helpful woman told me when I was 19. Good times.
Sarcelle said:
I do not photograph well at all. People say I always look mad in photos.
If people do get hung up on looks and miss meeting a great match that’s their loss.
Click to expand...
 
I’ve never been in a relationship, I’ve found that it’s like a battlefield out there and I feel like a pacifist.

You see sometimes on Facebook a girl posts something about something another and then there’s a whole host of desperate guys commenting and agree how good something another is in hope that she notices them. I feel this is a metaphor for how the dating world is these days, I have no idea how it all works but I just know ever since I was a child, I’ve wanted a nice wholesome relationship with a girl but this wish never came true, the older I get, the less I understand how it all works.
 
Well I wasn’t in a relationship until I was 34, so I hear ya.
Blood_Angel said:
I’ve never been in a relationship, I’ve found that it’s like a battlefield out there and I feel like a pacifist.

You see sometimes on Facebook a girl posts something about something another and then there’s a whole host of desperate guys commenting and agree how good something another is in hope that she notices them. I feel this is a metaphor for how the dating world is these days, I have no idea how it all works but I just know ever since I was a child, I’ve wanted a nice wholesome relationship with a girl but this wish never came true, the older I get, the less I understand how it all works.
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I was in a relationship at 25. By 30 I swore off marriage for life.

Where is it carved in stone that you have to have a relationship?
Oh yeah, in television and the movies which pander to the young people overloaded with hormones.
The poor young people don’t know anything else because they’ve never been told anything different. So half of them end up in relationships that end in divorce, if they marry at all.
 
Here’s the rub. I don’t feel like I “have to have” a relationship. I very much want one. I need one. I am not meant to be alone.

If you are single, and swore off marriage and are happy with that, that is fine. God doesn’t intend marriage for everyone. But when you really want that in your life and you are stymied by your looks, income, and in my case my OCD also, it can be torture.

I have definitely discerned this. Since most of my life I’ve been alone, I realize that I want someone in my life. Now, it may be that OCD and its accompanying loneliness is my cross to bear- women have a tough time dealing with me. But by no means is it something I desire.

I will agree, however, that marriage has its own set of complications and drawbacks. I’m glad you found what is right for you. Maybe what is “right” for me is being single, even if it is torture. We’ll just have to see.
empther said:
I was in a relationship at 25. By 30 I swore off marriage for life.

Where is it carved in stone that you have to have a relationship?
Oh yeah, in television and the movies which pander to the young people overloaded with hormones.
The poor young people don’t know anything else because they’ve never been told anything different. So half of them end up in relationships that end in divorce, if they marry at all.
Click to expand...
 
Norm640 said:
I always get told I look mean too. But at least you were never told you “looked evil”, which a helpful woman told me when I was 19. Good times.
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:eek:

I’ve been told I look like a snob. Huh? Come again?
How does a snob look like?
 
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