Online Dating: The String-Along Song

[KendraDZ1902]

Actually, in the most recent situation, the man wanted to continue with the communication after he told me he met someone else. I was the one who said that I would rather end it now that he is serious with someone else.

You probably won’t believe me, but that’s OK.

You all can stop it now. I get the message.

I just hope that you aren’t treated like this when you experience something disappointing that others do not understand.

Yes, even you married ones. People leave. People die.

Goodbye.

No one here has treated you badly.

 

[iwillrisenow]

It’s the whole “it’s not that bad” and “you should have known better” tone of the thread. I get it. I cannot get into full details here and never should have posted while feeling upset. Big mistake.

I admit it and am ready to move on.

 

[Xantippe]

No one here has treated you badly.

Right. Nobody is being mean.

I’d add that until the OP’s last posting or two, it wasn’t really clear what the chronology was.

But, chronology aside, the general principle is the same as in previous advice–don’t commit to somebody that isn’t committing to you and isn’t making an effort to be with you.

 

[pianistclare]

Unless the tone is really offending or rude, they won’t close it.
I think everybody has had some very good advice.
Sorry you feel like no one gets it.

If you’re venting, it’s ok to vent. Lots of people do. Frame it that way from the get-go.
But I guess we all thought you were seeking advice. I met my husband online. I also talked, randomly to a lot of men. Most Catholic in name only. Some were just chat room friends. I seldom really thought if they lived any distance that we’d actually meet. But as a widow, it was nice to talk to men. I ended up marrying the guy that was the furthest away. Ireland. 4000 miles. We talked nightly for 2 years. Finally got a Buddy Pass to go see him. Stayed 3 weeks, came home with a ring. He followed a month later.

Some things take a long time.
Good luck!

 

[Anglewannabe]

It’s the whole “it’s not that bad” and** “you should have known better” tone of the thread.** I get it. I cannot get into full details here and never should have posted while feeling upset. Big mistake.

I admit it and am ready to move on.

I sympathize because I would feel hurt as well and would not like the lecture. However, I am not sure what else there is to say

 

[pianistclare]

I’m sorry.
I just don’t see any lectures.

 

[Xantippe]

On a different advice website (Dear Wendy), there’s an often quoted saying: Don’t make anybody a priority when to them you’re just an option.

 

[chevalier]

I have experienced the following situation multiple times in online dating (three times within the last year or so alone):

Probably standard frequency.

• man initiates communication and appears to be interested

Like always.

• although communication is generally ok, it drags on online-only longer than necessary with lukewarm interest (eg- does not want to meet or try taking things further)

Not everybody wants a big gamble quick. Some prefer to take it slowly, to make a more deliberate choice. A couple of initial conversations plus some information in a profile isn’t enough to build commitment on.

• eventually I get a polite little message saying that they recently got more serious with someone else from the site.

Now that does sound like stringing along, but it’s still important how serious things were between you, e.g. a couple of chatty private messages don’t warrant anything more than such polite notice. Twenty messages with a bit more depth to them might.

• 24 hours of tears/anger/frustration/venting later, feel better. Rinse, repeat (well, not anymore!!)

You’re already coping well.

I wish that I were alone in having to bear this unfortunate side effect of the shopper’s mentality that comes with such sites but am certain that others have experienced the same.

It’s not shopper’s mentality. People don’t have an obligation to follow along just because we like them.

My understand of basic human civility is that if someone is not interested in taking things further, they should politely cut off communication as soon as possible.

No. And there is no obligation to arrive at a decision as fast as humanly possible, either.

Why continue with a “back up” right up until the moment your “something better” is secured?

That would be wrong indeed, but don’t attribute premeditated intent to people who are probably playing it by ear.

Why not be bold enough to say “this is not what I want, but I trust God enough to wait without lying to another human soul about my interest in pursuing a sacred vocation with her”?

I’m fairly confident that if I were to meet my ideal better half I’d probably know within 15 minutes and suspect within 1 minute. Still, when I’m having a coffee with a newly met lady and chatting a bit about work or life, I’m not pursuing a sacred vocation with her. At least not in any sort of direct sense.

Is there something I’m doing wrong to give the impression that I’m “cool” with being a back-up option? Please help…

This is a wild guess, so I’m having some misgivings sharing it, but chances are that you might be appearing a little too reserved, a little too serious or a little too tense. A lack of spontaneity always makes it difficult to make contact with people and move from one phase to the next. Almost everybody is a little reserved, a little serious and a little tense, it’s not the end of the world, just don’t let it overcome you and dictate how you act.

 

[pianistclare]

Probably standard frequency.

Like always.

Not everybody wants a big gamble quick. Some prefer to take it slowly, to make a more deliberate choice. A couple of initial conversations plus some information in a profile isn’t enough to build commitment on.

Now that does sound like stringing along, but it’s still important how serious things were between you, e.g. a couple of chatty private messages don’t warrant anything more than such polite notice. Twenty messages with a bit more depth to them might.

You’re already coping well.

It’s not shopper’s mentality. People don’t have an obligation to follow along just because we like them.

No. And there is no obligation to arrive at a decision as fast as humanly possible, either.

That would be wrong indeed, but don’t attribute premeditated intent to people who are probably playing it by ear.

I’m fairly confident that if I were to meet my ideal better half I’d probably know within 15 minutes and suspect within 1 minute. Still, when I’m having a coffee with a newly met lady and chatting a bit about work or life, I’m not pursuing a sacred vocation with her. At least not in any sort of direct sense.

This is a wild guess, so I’m having some misgivings sharing it, but chances are that you might be appearing a little too reserved, a little too serious or a little too tense. A lack of spontaneity always makes it difficult to make contact with people and move from one phase to the next. Almost everybody is a little reserved, a little serious and a little tense, it’s not the end of the world, just don’t let it overcome you and dictate how you act.

Lots of excellent advice here.
Many people see online “dating” as kind of way to fight off loneliness and just to chat up possible friends. Men especially, if they have a hard time making a first move, can find online chatting very rewarding and they look forward to talking to someone. Anyone.
Without knowing the types of conversation happening, it may have simply been that he’s friendly…fun conversations, but then when he truly connects with someone he feel s obliged to start conversing exclusively with someone else. Be glad about that. You don’t want to be talking to a serial chatter that has a wife or a fiancé. Men rarely move on unless motivated. They just don’t. If you’re at all friendly, they’ll want to talk. Totally different from them wanting to actually date.

It’s hard not to take things personally. Like this thread. People are sharing their experiences and advice.
Not an indictment. Just internet chat. Like those men…take it or leave it.
Good luck!

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

On the bright side, the OP got attention online. That’s more than many of us get in that setting … smile, take it for what it is and let the negatives roll off your back, it’s not as if one made a life changing mistake. The other posters have offered good suggestions for cutoffs.

I have it on good authority that it was common practice in the US up to the 1950’s for women to play the field with multiple suitors up to the day they accepted a marriage proposal from one of them. Times sure change, don’t they …

 

[schaeffer]

Even though the OP has gotten all she wanted from this thread, I know there are many others who are reading who will benefit from all the food for thought etc that is being shared here.

As cliché and silly as it sounds, “He’s just not that into you” is a little book that it’s worth taking the time to read. Parts of it really smarted…but it’s good food for thought. Wish I’d read it a few years earlier in my single hood. It would have helped me seen through my own wishes and what seemed like confusing mixed messages from some men.

I know there are some online dating sites specifically for people who are seeking marriage, and others that don’t designate, and in any manner of dating, knowing what the goal is sure makes things a lot smoother.

 

[pianistclare]

Even though the OP has gotten all she wanted from this thread, I know there are many others who are reading who will benefit from all the food for thought etc that is being shared here.

As cliché and silly as it sounds, “He’s just not that into you” is a little book that it’s worth taking the time to read. Parts of it really smarted…but it’s good food for thought. Wish I’d read it a few years earlier in my single hood. It would have helped me seen through my own wishes and what seemed like confusing mixed messages from some men.

I know there are some online dating sites specifically for people who are seeking marriage, and others that don’t designate, and in any manner of dating, knowing what the goal is sure makes things a lot smoother.

I thought of this as well. People are quick to say that we are mean though, so I didn’t mention it. It’s a great suggestion though.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Iwillrisenow:

I am SO sorry that you’ve had such a negative experience here on a thread like this, but really, I am not surprised.

I’m sending you a PM to discuss this further.

 

[kelvinf]

God bless you and thank you for sharing your story. Meeting people, dating and discerning a potential spouse can be exciting and also very scary. I once was devastated at the loss of a relationship and felt very foolish and sad. I felt ashamed to reach out to others because the relationship was very short. I also felt like a fool that I didn’t see the obvious signs and questioned my own judgment. Much of my grief was about myself and not always losing the other person.

When a relationship, or even a potential relationship ends it can be extremely painful. That is because as people, we often daydream and wonder about the future. An imperfect analogy would be when I had my miscarriages. Many people didn’t understand my grief, because the pregnancy was so short, and I never even held my baby. Little did they know that the moment I found out I was pregnant I dreamed about the names for my baby, got excited about many things and made many plans for the future. When my babies died all of that hope died too. Of course online dating and pregnancy are not the same, but the reason I brought it up is that it is only human to have hopes and expectations for the future.

When you meet someone online, naturally you need to be cautious. However it is part of being human that a small part of you might get excited with anticipation or wondering and daydream about your future. When you met these men and the online friendship ended, it was probably hurtful. You may need to just have a spiritual plan for how to handle this.

May I suggest that when you go online in the future, that you approach each online session with prayer first? Ask the Holy Spirit to be with you and for His guidance. If you are rejected in the future, see this as an invitation from Jesus Christ to participate in His passion. You can take your pain and just simply sit and be with the One who knows about rejection, who knows what it is like when your friends leave you, who knows ultimate suffering and what it is like to be lonely. Jesus loves you very much, please be assured of my prayers.

Top!

 

[kelvinf]

Even though the OP has gotten all she wanted from this thread, I know there are many others who are reading who will benefit from all the food for thought etc that is being shared here.

As cliché and silly as it sounds, “He’s just not that into you” is a little book that it’s worth taking the time to read. Parts of it really smarted…but it’s good food for thought. Wish I’d read it a few years earlier in my single hood. It would have helped me seen through my own wishes and what seemed like confusing mixed messages from some men.

I know there are some online dating sites specifically for people who are seeking marriage, and others that don’t designate, and in any manner of dating, knowing what the goal is sure makes things a lot smoother.

I love the movie! (But there are some not so good scenes in it…) It shows how dating could be very difficult and extremely painful especially for those who are sensitive and impatient which is human.

I believe it’s just human to feel like you are dating online. Yes, even if you haven’t met the person. That’s what some people here failed to understand about what the OP was trying to say. Anyhow

 

[Bluesprite333]

I have experienced the following situation multiple times in online dating (three times within the last year or so alone):

• man initiates communication and appears to be interested
• although communication is generally ok, it drags on online-only longer than necessary with lukewarm interest (eg- does not want to meet or try taking things further)
• eventually I get a polite little message saying that they recently got more serious with someone else from the site.
• 24 hours of tears/anger/frustration/venting later, feel better. Rinse, repeat (well, not anymore!!)

I wish that I were alone in having to bear this unfortunate side effect of the shopper’s mentality that comes with such sites but am certain that others have experienced the same.

My understand of basic human civility is that if someone is not interested in taking things further, they should politely cut off communication as soon as possible. This is what I have done and would do in any such scenario. But why the string-along act? Why continue with a “back up” right up until the moment your “something better” is secured? Why not be bold enough to say “this is not what I want, but I trust God enough to wait without lying to another human soul about my interest in pursuing a sacred vocation with her”?

Is there something I’m doing wrong to give the impression that I’m “cool” with being a back-up option? Please help…

It’s the nature of on-line dating. People always behave in ways they wouldn’t in real life (like stringing someone along) because, (let’s face it) - *it’s easier. * They don’t really know you. You haven’t met them in real life. **It’s the nature of the internet. **

My suggestion to you - don’t engage in mile-long conversations. Keep it short. If they don’t suggest meeting by 5 email exchanges, cut them loose - they weren’t that interested to start with or are just cruising.

I speak from experience.

Good luck. It’s rough out there but it can be a fun adventure.

 

[Rau]

I should clarify that the amount of time for communication has varied. I re-read my post and can see how it might seem that I was chatting with someone for a couple of weeks and then got mad because they got serious with someone else. This is not the case-- we’re talking two months minimum and about six months maximum (I know, I should have walked on that one ages ago…but I will spare the public board more details on why it happened like that).

With online dating towards a vocation of marriage, it does get sticky. Some people are fine with a “just getting to know people” attitude, others strictly talk to individuals that they are serious about (as in they would actually consider a commitment rather than a commitment itself). I fall firmly in the latter category.

Maybe I just need a break. I am definitely taking one to focus on other things, probably for the rest of this year…

I thought the purpose of online dating sites was to quite quickly make contacts with a view to choosing person(s) to meet with in-person - for the purpose of getting to know them. Months of online chatting strikes me as a very poor substitute for personal interaction.

You purpose is not to form temporary pen-friendships, yet that is what you are doing.

 

[abort73catholic]

I have experienced the following situation multiple times in online dating (three times within the last year or so alone):

• man initiates communication and appears to be interested
• although communication is generally ok, it drags on online-only longer than necessary with lukewarm interest (eg- does not want to meet or try taking things further)
• eventually I get a polite little message saying that they recently got more serious with someone else from the site.
• 24 hours of tears/anger/frustration/venting later, feel better. Rinse, repeat (well, not anymore!!)

I wish that I were alone in having to bear this unfortunate side effect of the shopper’s mentality that comes with such sites but am certain that others have experienced the same.

Yes…you certainly aren’t alone. I have been in a similar situation through a Catholic dating website. He initiated communication (despite a significant distance between us…which for me does not mean an automatic “no”) and we exchanged messages through the site frequently for several weeks. Of course, with the distance, most people can’t meet right away and both people involved have to understand that and be serious. I know we both liked each other. Shortly after exchanging email addresses (he gave his first, again initiating), the messages came less frequently.

I was frustrated because we seemed to have quite a good exchange going. But it happens.

I still have something of a love-hate relationship with online dating. It seems so weird to me, and yet one more useful way of connecting with people. I suppose we’ll see how it goes!

 

[ZellieFan]

Sorry you are going through this but I don’t take anyone seriously online. I can usually tell by the pace of the conversation whether the guy is serious or just cruising. It took me being disappointed a couple times before I learned that people are flaky.

 

[chevalier]

Men rarely move on unless motivated. They just don’t. If you’re at all friendly, they’ll want to talk. Totally different from them wanting to actually date.

It depends. A man who even has an account in a place like that likely is shy or has some other problem with his social graces or aptitude (not excluding myself from that count). Hence, motivation may be an issue.

However, a man on whom a woman makes a powerful impression acts like on adrenaline surge (no wonder, on the chemical side stuff that gets released to his brain on that occasion would be illegal to sell or buy). Typical choice of strategy would be: charge straight into the wall and bring it down with your head in 3… 2… 1…. (And if that doesn’t happen, then it’s a case of worth considering but doesn’t turn my life completely upside down. Turning anyone’s life upside down is hard to achieve online, so people — of both sexes — are mostly down to considering only.)

This said, even if we do just that, women can still be oblivious and not know if you’re interested no matter how obvious it seems to you that showing interest. Anyway, though, men don’t mind being obvious about showing their interest (which women often fail to notice), but we don’t like being railroaded into a formal contract right off the bat. Just like women don’t. There’s no difference between how each of the two sexes feels in this regard, only misunderstandings. Nobody likes having a yoke forced on one’s neck.

I have it on good authority that it was common practice in the US up to the 1950’s for women to play the field with multiple suitors up to the day they accepted a marriage proposal from one of them. Times sure change, don’t they …

Not bad if it’s just conversation, however deep, but about life or the meaning of it, or plans or hopes or whatever… just not proper romance. Some people take so called non-exclusive dating to a very advanced level, where it’s more like concurrent romance, having several boyfriends or girlfriends, which is polyamory and unnatural, I would even say perverted.

It’s the nature of on-line dating. People always behave in ways they wouldn’t in real life (like stringing someone along) because, (let’s face it) - *it’s easier. * They don’t really know you. You haven’t met them in real life. **It’s the nature of the internet. **

My suggestion to you - don’t engage in mile-long conversations. Keep it short. If they don’t suggest meeting by 5 email exchanges, cut them loose - they weren’t that interested to start with or are just cruising.

I speak from experience.

I also speak from experience when I say that ‘real life’ isn’t much different.

Plus, everybody’s just cruising until a game-changing event occurs (which is hard to produce online), except for people who only look for the first willing candidate who is somewhat agreeable.

Next, take it from a man, as women seem to be oblivious to this, a real flame either sparks immediately or takes a long time to build up (rather, realize that it’s already been alight for quite a while before you noticed). There’s no such time-frame really for a man as 5 dates, except maybe for a fact-finding expedition, but nothing to do with love or affection or attraction, which, if it doesn’t occur immediately the faster way, will take a long while to do the longer way, with nothing in between.