Online Dating: The String-Along Song

[chevalier]

Sorry you are going through this but I don’t take anyone seriously online. I can usually tell by the pace of the conversation whether the guy is serious or just cruising. It took me being disappointed a couple times before I learned that people are flaky.

Or just not sufficiently attracted.

With men, the other problem is that you don’t string a woman along by proposing a meeting — doubtless a moment of great import to her, of which she’s going to make much, with the typical trend to categorize and define milestones etc. — and then telling her you aren’t interested after all after that meeting takes place. Which is not the sort of thing that’s nice for anyone to hear, to begin with, no matter one’s sex. Nobody’s going to like such news, including people who would be telling the same news to you if you didn’t tell them first.

 

[chevalier]

Or just not sufficiently attracted.

Again, it’s hard be swept off your feet online. After several years on three different portals I haven’t yet seen a profile that would do that for me. Sure, some profiles bring tender feelings to my heart or awaken a spark of interest, but there are many such profiles, as the world is full of nice people. Based on just that information, I just can’t feel (or think of) a compelling reason to pick any one of them.

One or two, or three, I could possibly meet and talk to and get to know, but definitely not in a hurried three-dates-and-you’re-out kind of time-frame and setting (precisely because of that lack of a compelling cause to make any one particular choice, where choosing at random is not an option). Six or seven I could perhaps meet for coffee, converse some, get a short list. But fifteen? The human brain can’t process such a comparison (other than maybe the simplest form of weeding out dealbreakers). And then what about all those that might still register in the future? (Like, tomorrow, knowing Murphy’s laws.)

Perhaps it’s a good idea to meet up as quickly as you can in a physical setting with every new interesting person that register (or otherwise shows on your radar), but if you get 20 equally good or bad results in your search right off the bat, then you just can’t choose in the typical manner that such choices are made in unassisted situations that life puts on your path. You just need to be cruising in such circumstances.

You can’t normally fall in love with the result of an analysis anyway. (Unless you do it literally, i.e. fall in love with your own cleverness, a temptation not altogether unknown to yours truly. )

 

[ZellieFan]

Next, take it from a man, as women seem to be oblivious to this, a real flame either sparks immediately or takes a long time to build up (rather, realize that it’s already been alight for quite a while before you noticed). There’s no such time-frame really for a man as 5 dates, except maybe for a fact-finding expedition, but nothing to do with love or affection or attraction, which, if it doesn’t occur immediately the faster way, will take a long while to do the longer way, with nothing in between.

This made me think of a slightly different question: what happens when there are fairly clear signals that a guy is interested (ie eye contact, respectful physical contact, etc) but he backs off when the woman returns his interest??? That has happened to me a couple times recently (in real life–not online) and it’s very frustrating.

 

[Rau]

This made me think of a slightly different question: what happens when there are fairly clear signals that a guy is interested (ie eye contact, respectful physical contact, etc) but he backs off when the woman returns his interest??? That has happened to me a couple times recently (in real life–not online) and it’s very frustrating.

Perhaps you misread him? Perhaps you overreacted?

 

[InigoMontoya]

This made me think of a slightly different question: what happens when there are fairly clear signals that a guy is interested (ie eye contact, respectful physical contact, etc) but he backs off when the woman returns his interest??? That has happened to me a couple times recently (in real life–not online) and it’s very frustrating.

Simple, nothing happens.

 

[ZellieFan]

Perhaps you misread him? Perhaps you overreacted?

Simple, nothing happens.

OK, LOL, thanks I guess. I think a person knows when another person is interested or attracted. There can be lots of reasons why one doesn’t follow through, that have nothing to do with “misreading” or “overreaction.”

 

[bsf]

This made me think of a slightly different question: what happens when there are fairly clear signals that a guy is interested (ie eye contact, respectful physical contact, etc) but he backs off when the woman returns his interest??? That has happened to me a couple times recently (in real life–not online) and it’s very frustrating.

OK, LOL, thanks I guess. I think a person knows when another person is interested or attracted. There can be lots of reasons why one doesn’t follow through, that have nothing to do with “misreading” or “overreaction.”

Sorry you were frustrated by that behavior. It is not clear to me what you are seeking with your question, though. Seems to me Rau and InigoMontoya offered some honest responses. Are you trying to understand why some men do that; how you should respond when/if you encounter that behavior; or are you just “venting”?

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

You know, The first time I started talking to a woman on a dating site, I had no clue how to go about asking her to meet me. I know… stupid (you just ask) but she was sooo… perfect and I was sooo worried about blowing it. We moved from Chatting on the dating site to one month later moving it to face book. She would take sometimes 2 weeks to answer one of my messages so I assumed she was not very interested in me so I sort of “gave up” with hopes that things could change in the future. Then she randomly gave me her phone number about 2 months later Then she asked me if I wanted to “hang out” about 2 or 3 weeks after that. We did and I look back on that experience thinking to myself"Where the heck was your back-bone? You call yourself a man?"

I am a lot better now. I have asked a woman to meet me as soon maybe after 2 weeks of talking and have waited as long as maybe after 2 months of corresponding. I have asked for woman’s phone number as early as the second message I sent her (got it too ) and waited as long as a couple months where she probably got tired of waiting for me to ask her and just gave it to me.

I have also tried corresponding with women who I was not really that “into” but I was sincere in that I wanted to give them a chance. I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings, and I hope I never did. I certainly have gotten my feelings hurt. If someone seems really un-experienced with online dating, I would give them a little more time before I decide that they do not want to meet and move on. But there has to be a cut off point where you decide someone is not really serious about meeting you. Then you move on. It happens. People get into relationships while they were talking to you. Others have nervous breakdowns and realize they do not want to date at that time. Others will just string you a long until someone better comes along. That is why it is important not to get too attached to someone before you meet them. A good rule of thumb is “Nothing is real until you have met” Because you can have hours of great conversation over the phone for weeks, think you might have found the one and then meet in person and be shocked to find out that you two have the most awkward date you have ever had in your life. That has happened to me too. Online dating is complex for sure. But it is better than not trying anything.

 

[Nini3]

Talking about online dating, could you please advise on how to let someone know in a kind way that you are not attracted, and don’t want anything more than a friendship? (This is after meeting the person, and not feeling that much attraction).
Thanks.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Talking about online dating, could you please advise on how to let someone know in a kind way that you are not attracted, and don’t want anything more than a friendship? (This is after meeting the person, and not feeling that much attraction).
Thanks.

Understand you have no control over how the other person will react. Most people go dark in a circumstance like this and hope the other person takes the hint, but if you feel the need to say something, be brief and polite, no need for long explanations. Also likely no need to offer friendship, better to cut ties completely.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Talking about online dating, could you please advise on how to let someone know in a kind way that you are not attracted, and don’t want anything more than a friendship? (This is after meeting the person, and not feeling that much attraction).
Thanks.

Just tell them. If they ask you out again, do not say yes no matter how sorry you feel for them. Just tell them that you think they are Cool, nice, a good person whatever, but you do not want more than a friendship. Hopefully they do not press for details. If they do, you might have to be a little more blunt in the nicest way possible (I just do not see you in that way) or something similar. In dating, nobody is attracted to just anyone and feelings get hurt. They have to accept your “No” and if they do not, you are within your rights to ignore them afterward if you know they are only going to try to get you to change your mind. It sounds like you do not want to hurt this other persons feelings, but there is no way around the fact that their feelings could get hurt. Just do it gently as you can. I know that is not the best advice but I think you will do fine. Like another person said, you have no control over how they take your rejection.

 

[ack]

Talking about online dating, could you please advise on how to let someone know in a kind way that you are not attracted, and don’t want anything more than a friendship? (This is after meeting the person, and not feeling that much attraction).
Thanks.

Just tell them – but I would strongly recommend against trying to maintain a friendship.

It’s one thing when two people already know each other, try dating, and then agree just to be friends – there are some pre-existing social ties there to continue carrying the friendship.

But being friends with someone who you met on an online dating site isn’t that much different from actually dating them. My point is that if you continue seeing him (?) as friends…then you will still be dating in his mind, despite what you may think about the situation.

 

[KiwiBliss]

I don’t have experience with online dating, but my friends do & they tend to tell me what little luck they find, especially when the guy makes odd & abrupt excuses to stop communication or a date at the last minute. It’s like a book left untouched…appealing to admire but more effort to open & start from beginning to end to see the real beauty within.

Personally, I refuse to try online dating because I believe that God will provide the right man for me in His time. There was no internet access when Jesus lived on earth, which means it wasn’t important for survival, so why bother speeding up the process?. He certainly knows me more than I know myself. I don’t need a guy to look me over online to see if I’m good enough for him…in God’s eyes I’m over-qualified. All women should consider themselves to be over-qualified…build your self-worth in God… no man can love you more than God himself. If a man truly loves you for the right reasons, you won’t have to ask what his real intentions are… it’ll show with his words & actions.

Above anything, be patient & pray about your concerns. God knows your heart & what you desire most…when you let Him lead you, He will show you the way. You won’t regret it.

 

[chevalier]

This made me think of a slightly different question: what happens when there are fairly clear signals that a guy is interested (ie eye contact, respectful physical contact, etc) but he backs off when the woman returns his interest??? That has happened to me a couple times recently (in real life–not online) and it’s very frustrating.

First thing that comes to my mind is what psychologists call ‘ambivalence’ — in those cases there’s less pressure to go forward when the goal can be taken for granted (but if the goal starts slipping away, they will act again). And some people just take it slowly when there seems to be no need to rush it (which is not necessarily a bad thing).

I get that often with women, i.e. they tend to lose interest because of security.

Talking about online dating, could you please advise on how to let someone know in a kind way that you are not attracted, and don’t want anything more than a friendship? (This is after meeting the person, and not feeling that much attraction).
Thanks.

Presuming you’re female, just tell the man in no ambiguous terms that you aren’t interested in him that way. There’s no need for much sugar-coating, it’s enough (but also very important) that you don’t say anything mean.

But being friends with someone who you met on an online dating site isn’t that much different from actually dating them. My point is that if you continue seeing him (?) as friends…then you will still be dating in his mind, despite what you may think about the situation.

In my experience those situations tend to be ambiguous on both sides.

in God’s eyes I’m over-qualified.

How do you know?

All women should consider themselves to be over-qualified

Perhaps yes if they are, no if they aren’t. Humility is quite attractive to normal people; condescension or hubris only to certain types you don’t really want to date.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

All women should consider themselves to be over-qualified…

It’s clear you’ve never been married. No one is overqualified to be a spouse. No one. I don’t like the phrase “marriage is hard work” because it isn’t. But, it is hard to put the well-being of another person before your own in everything every single day of your life.

Even cloistered nuns will tell you that they struggle to be good wives to Christ. (And Jesus doesn’t leave the seat up!) Don’t take for granted what true devotion is and what it requires.

 

[ZellieFan]

I don’t have experience with online dating, but my friends do & they tend to tell me what little luck they find, especially when the guy makes odd & abrupt excuses to stop communication or a date at the last minute. It’s like a book left untouched…appealing to admire but more effort to open & start from beginning to end to see the real beauty within.

Personally, I refuse to try online dating because I believe that God will provide the right man for me in His time. There was no internet access when Jesus lived on earth, which means it wasn’t important for survival, so why bother speeding up the process?. He certainly knows me more than I know myself. I don’t need a guy to look me over online to see if I’m good enough for him…in God’s eyes I’m over-qualified. All women should consider themselves to be over-qualified…build your self-worth in God… no man can love you more than God himself. If a man truly loves you for the right reasons, you won’t have to ask what his real intentions are… it’ll show with his words & actions.

Above anything, be patient & pray about your concerns. God knows your heart & what you desire most…when you let Him lead you, He will show you the way. You won’t regret it.

I think you are overthinking it…online dating is just another avenue to meet someone. Yes it is rife with issues but I know several couples that it worked for. If you refuse to go online, hopefully you are placing yourself in other scenarios to meet single Catholics. We’re not called to be passive–even Rebecca and Ruth walked into their destinies because they were doing something.

 

[KiwiBliss]

To Chevalier:
I have worked hard & earned my way to doing God’s Will…striving daily to focus on His opinion before anyone else. How you might ask? My parents always taught me to build good character (good habits: conscientious/desire to do what’s right in God’s eyes, positive attitude no matter the circumstances, ‘stand your ground’/have self-confidence/have a strong backbone, remain pure & be faithful as a future gift for my future husband, treat others the way I’d want to be treated, etc). My older siblings didn’t follow their example, but I want to. My oldest sibling married a man she found online, & I can see where that’s heading…he makes lame excuses to not spend time with our family while making any time for his own…even though he has degraded me/treated me like ****, I pray for him to strive rid any distractions that keep him from God. It’s not my siblings, it’s my parents that inspire me to do God’s will. All experiences I’ve encountered & practiced building my character have only improved my good habit skills. I find people who laugh, stare, & talk about me often, because they don’t understand how freeing it is to simply strive to do what’s right, be yourself, & care more what God thinks than others…they think my way of life is ‘impossible.’ I feel sorry for those people because it appears that no one has showed them how to be treated with respect & true love (in many aspects). I’m not changing who I am because people don’t like that I’m treating them with kindness while they’re treating me like I’m a piece of grass…that’s not my problem, but I will pray for them.

 

[KiwiBliss]

To BlueEyedLady:
It is clear you don’t consider yourself ‘over-qualified,’ so for that I’m sorry that you misunderstood me. By over-qualified I meant to not sell yourself short from the person God intended each to be & we females are like precious pearls to God expected to be taken care of not thrown away. It is true that not all females have a backbone & care about God’s plan for their lives, so they do what they feel & see what results they find. I’m not that kind of person, in fact I’m the opposite…what is pleasing to God satisfies me. I know that I am worth more than a simple hook-up or date with a stranger because of keeping my values & morals intact. I never said I was perfect or thought marriage was hard work…in fact, you already made that assumption with your pessimistic attitude with your choice of words…thanks for judging me.

To answer your question, yes I am single, but I’m waiting patiently for God to bring together my future husband and me. I’m doing this by focusing more on finishing my education, being more active in my church, volunteer more in the community, etc.

 

[chevalier]

To Chevalier:
I have worked hard & earned my way to doing God’s Will…striving daily to focus on His opinion before anyone else. How you might ask? My parents always taught me to build good character (good habits: conscientious/desire to do what’s right in God’s eyes, positive attitude no matter the circumstances, ‘stand your ground’/have self-confidence/have a strong backbone, remain pure & be faithful as a future gift for my future husband, treat others the way I’d want to be treated, etc). My older siblings didn’t follow their example, but I want to. My oldest sibling married a man she found online, & I can see where that’s heading…he makes lame excuses to not spend time with our family while making any time for his own…even though he has degraded me/treated me like ****, I pray for him to strive rid any distractions that keep him from God. It’s not my siblings, it’s my parents that inspire me to do God’s will. All experiences I’ve encountered & practiced building my character have only improved my good habit skills. I find people who laugh, stare, & talk about me often, because they don’t understand how freeing it is to simply strive to do what’s right, be yourself, & care more what God thinks than others…they think my way of life is ‘impossible.’ I feel sorry for those people because it appears that no one has showed them how to be treated with respect & true love (in many aspects). I’m not changing who I am because people don’t like that I’m treating them with kindness while they’re treating me like I’m a piece of grass…that’s not my problem, but I will pray for them.

And how does that make you overqualified for any man living?

 

[KiwiBliss]

To Chevalier:

By being a virtuous woman, I’m not lowering my standards to online dating where a guy can easily see my profile & decide if I qualify his (whoever) standards/preference…I’m not giving myself away, but preserving myself for God’s best…giving God the pen to my life rather than rushing the process of waiting. One quote I live by is that, “A woman should hide her heart in the heart of God, so that a man must go there and find it” (unknown). By striving to be the person God expects of me, I consider online dating to be a lower standard that I will not pursue. Perhaps the term ‘overqualified’ is not the right term for discussion of explaining my perspective, so please disregard the word.
A guy with low standards may not see what beauty I have inside & out, but God sees it & that’s what matters. For me, there’s no need to try online dating when I am confident that God will provide in His own time that special man. As far as other women who try online dating, my hope is that they care more what God thinks of them & put their self-worth in God rather than worry & cry about a guy not liking them…God loves them no matter what…He’s always there. Ik that not all females believe in God, but the ones that do & try online dating, I hope they are careful & wise by what results they find…everything is not always what it seems, but God is consistently always present & faithful. Does that make more sense?