Online Dating: The String-Along Song

[BlueEyedLady]

To Chevalier:

By being a virtuous woman, I’m not lowering my standards to online dating where a guy can easily see my profile & decide if I qualify his (whoever) standards/preference…I’m not giving myself away, but preserving myself for God’s best…giving God the pen to my life rather than rushing the process of waiting. One quote I live by is that, “A woman should hide her heart in the heart of God, so that a man must go there and find it” (unknown). By striving to be the person God expects of me, I consider online dating to be a lower standard that I will not pursue. Perhaps the term ‘overqualified’ is not the right term for discussion of explaining my perspective, so please disregard the word.
A guy with low standards may not see what beauty I have inside & out, but God sees it & that’s what matters. For me, there’s no need to try online dating when I am confident that God will provide in His own time that special man. As far as other women who try online dating, my hope is that they care more what God thinks of them & put their self-worth in God rather than worry & cry about a guy not liking them…God loves them no matter what…He’s always there. Ik that not all females believe in God, but the ones that do & try online dating, I hope they are careful & wise by what results they find…everything is not always what it seems, but God is consistently always present & faithful. Does that make more sense?

How do you think men are picking and choosing in real life? The first step is always physical attraction. I know that’s not always the case for women, but men don’t gradually build attraction like we do. You are probably a wonderful, smart, talented woman, and your husband should and will value that. But he’ll never get to that point unless he first finds you attractive.

 

[chevalier]

To Chevalier:

By being a virtuous woman, I’m not lowering my standards to online dating where a guy can easily see my profile & decide if I qualify his (whoever) standards/preference…I’m not giving myself away, but preserving myself for God’s best…giving God the pen to my life rather than rushing the process of waiting. One quote I live by is that, “A woman should hide her heart in the heart of God, so that a man must go there and find it” (unknown). By striving to be the person God expects of me, I consider online dating to be a lower standard that I will not pursue. Perhaps the term ‘overqualified’ is not the right term for discussion of explaining my perspective, so please disregard the word.
A guy with low standards may not see what beauty I have inside & out, but God sees it & that’s what matters. For me, there’s no need to try online dating when I am confident that God will provide in His own time that special man. As far as other women who try online dating, my hope is that they care more what God thinks of them & put their self-worth in God rather than worry & cry about a guy not liking them…God loves them no matter what…He’s always there. Ik that not all females believe in God, but the ones that do & try online dating, I hope they are careful & wise by what results they find…everything is not always what it seems, but God is consistently always present & faithful. Does that make more sense?

In a way it does, but the Internet too is part of the ‘real life’. It’s in the ‘real life’ that we switch our computers on, launch the browser, type some things, exchange messages. The principle is the same as with pen and paper and post, or as with telephone. It’s just a medium of communication, one that is not degrading in itself, though like any other it carries its own advantages and disadvantages, including some dangers. But prejudice and stigma against the Internet in itself would be irrational.

I can actually sympathize with a certain reluctance, or even a marked reluctance to announce oneself openly as avaiable, but… aren’t we all, at the end of the day? Everybody knows that most people are called to marriage, certainly not averse to the idea, probably waiting or looking for someone, so it’s no secret…

It depends a lot on how you play it out.

One of my acquaintances was a military officer’s daughter and descendant of knights and lords back into the 13th century, and a ‘traditional Catholic’ — the capital T kind. Not only did she have a profile on a Catholic dating website, she didn’t shy away from writing to an interesting man before other women did. It scarcely exalted her, I guess, but she did it all without making it degrading for her in any way or proportion, either. She carried herself with a fresh sort of dignity that didn’t waste time thinking about avoidance of seeing itself diminished. She just had that knightly sort of spirit. Probably still does, though she ultimately turned into a more scholarly personage.

Anyway, it is certainly possible to be there without being diminished by it — though it certainly will require some exposure to judgements and opinions. You are not competing for men’s attention if you are there, not any more than they are for yours. And how would they know they have something to compete for if someone didn’t tell them?

For the record, being on such a website is not about crying and hopelessness. God has given us all sorts of tools, including the Internet, to use. Declining to use them because of counting on a more direct divine intervention would be at least a somewhat hazardous proposition — a bit akin to that proverbial man who kept dismissing boats and helicopters as he prayed for God to rescue him from a flood. (I also knew a more light-hearted version with a man praying to win a lottery but never buying a ticket.)

 

[alphawoman]

I would focus on meeting people in person around shared interests. Get involved in activities that you are passionate about, with vibrant church groups for young adults, with your local universities, and you’ll find some excellent men.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

To Chevalier:

By being a virtuous woman, I’m not lowering my standards to online dating where a guy can easily see my profile & decide if I qualify his (whoever) standards/preference…I’m not giving myself away, but preserving myself for God’s best…giving God the pen to my life rather than rushing the process of waiting. One quote I live by is that, “A woman should hide her heart in the heart of God, so that a man must go there and find it” (unknown). By striving to be the person God expects of me, I consider online dating to be a lower standard that I will not pursue. Perhaps the term ‘overqualified’ is not the right term for discussion of explaining my perspective, so please disregard the word.
A guy with low standards may not see what beauty I have inside & out, but God sees it & that’s what matters. For me, there’s no need to try online dating when I am confident that God will provide in His own time that special man. As far as other women who try online dating, my hope is that they care more what God thinks of them & put their self-worth in God rather than worry & cry about a guy not liking them…God loves them no matter what…He’s always there. Ik that not all females believe in God, but the ones that do & try online dating, I hope they are careful & wise by what results they find…everything is not always what it seems, but God is consistently always present & faithful. Does that make more sense?

You know… I have met a couple great God fearing women on a Catholic dating site. One who is currently a Catholic School teacher. She is feminine, classy, beautiful, and she loves The Lord. She has done missionary work in the past, been a confirmation teacher the list goes on. She respects herself enough that she does not give herself to men, though obviously she could if she really wanted to. She is waiting for the right man to be with and marry (boy would I love to be that man) That is if she does not have a religious vocation because she very well could. She did not choose to try a Catholic dating site because she did not value herself or because she was not “patient” enough to wait for God to put a man in her life. And she knows her self worth. She is a beautiful daughter of God who is bearing much fruit for his kingdom. And I hardly “looked” her over on the dating site and decided she met my qualifications. I just messaged her expecting to not get a answer back because she seemed so out of my league. I wish I could see her more even if it is only as friends because she is such a good woman but we just live quite a distance apart. So, if you choose not to use dating site, that is your choice. But the woman I spoke of hardly does not trust God nor not know her value or “worry or cry about guys that do not like her instead of worrying more about what God thinks about her”

Please try to see it this way. I do not pray for a job then not look for a job. I do not pray to be in good shape and not go to the gym. Neither do I pray that if it is my Lords will, I find a good woman that I might marry and then not try to meet women. It has nothing to do with not trusting God. Will God look down on this Gorgeous woman I spoke about for using a dating site and then lift you up for not “lowering your standards” by using a dating site?

 

[agapewolf]

Yea…I was insulted by the “lowering standards by being on a dating site”.

In my opinion, its a higher standard. I have a profile and filter of people before we even start talking. I know where they stand on important faith issues and whether I should invest time.

It’s a tool- no different than if you met at a coffee shop-- a Catholic site is even better than meeting by chance at church, because you don’t know how catholic someone is there, but if you’ve got a profile with important questions answered, you do.

 

[Theo520]

If you are going through this amount of turmoil for guys you’ve never met, I’d reflect on your expectations and even how they might be pushing some men away.

If you are interested, then show it and move towards phone or face to face meeting.
If he deflects, then be polite and move on yourself.
Don’t just lay blame on his doorstep for not responding as you expected.

I have experienced the following situation multiple times in online dating (three times within the last year or so alone):

• 24 hours of tears/anger/frustration/venting later, feel better. Rinse, repeat (well, not anymore!!)

Is there something I’m doing wrong to give the impression that I’m “cool” with being a back-up option? Please help…

 

[TimothyH]

Yea…I was insulted by the “lowering standards by being on a dating site”.

In my opinion, its a higher standard. I have a profile and filter of people before we even start talking. I know where they stand on important faith issues and whether I should invest time.

It’s a tool- no different than if you met at a coffee shop-- a Catholic site is even better than meeting by chance at church, because you don’t know how catholic someone is there, but if you’ve got a profile with important questions answered, you do.

Just because someone is on Catholic Match doesn’t mean that they tell the truth.

-Tim-

 

[agapewolf]

Just because someone is on Catholic Match doesn’t mean that they tell the truth.

-Tim-

and same goes for people you meet randomly in person/church/coffee shop/bar.

No need to roll your eyes.

 

[chevalier]

and same goes for people you meet randomly in person/church/coffee shop/bar.

Yup.

Also: Ability to see body language and hear tone of voice is undeniably an advantage, but so is written reference material.

 

[TimothyH]

and same goes for people you meet randomly in person/church/coffee shop/bar.

No need to roll your eyes.

I met a woman on Catholic Match who answered yes to all seven questions but told me on the first date that she hadn’t been to confession in over a year. Most of the people on CM have no idea what “Agree with the Church’s teaching on Holy Orders” even means.

I’ve seen people with profiles on both Catholic Match and the commercial sites. Their CM profiles talk about God and Jesus and finding a godly spouse. Their profile on the commercial site talks about cuddling on the couch and being a good kisser and foreplay.

Answering yes to all seven questions on CM means exactly nothing to me. Anyone can lie in a coffee shop or Church too.

The only way to tell is to get to know someone over time.

-Tim-

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The only way to tell is to get to know someone over time.

-Tim-

Well, yeah. But that’s true regardless of where you initially meet someone. That’s not really an argument against meeting someone online.

I’m all for meeting dates online. What I’m not in favor of is having a long, drawn out messaging period before meeting in person. That’s a waste of time and investment. Do basic introductions and then meet in real life for coffee or drinks asap.

 

[chevalier]

Well, yeah. But that’s true regardless of where you initially meet someone. That’s not really an argument against meeting someone online.

I’m all for meeting dates online. What I’m not in favor of is having a long, drawn out messaging period before meeting in person. That’s a waste of time and investment. Do basic introductions and then meet in real life for coffee or drinks asap.

If you’re both local or if travel is easy — yes. Otherwise you’ll be facing some problems.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If you’re both local or if travel is easy — yes. Otherwise you’ll be facing some problems.

True. I was not open to people outside of my city. Even guys out in the more distant suburbs were ruled out. But, I lived in a densely populated, young city.

If you’re open to people not in your area (and I understand that often times people in small towns and rural areas have to be) then you have to be open to finding out that the person you invested a lot of time and energy in is nothing like what you expected. That’s just part of the online dating experience.

 

[agapewolf]

I met a woman on Catholic Match who answered yes to all seven questions but told me on the first date that she hadn’t been to confession in over a year. Most of the people on CM have no idea what “Agree with the Church’s teaching on Holy Orders” even means.

I’ve seen people with profiles on both Catholic Match and the commercial sites. Their CM profiles talk about God and Jesus and finding a godly spouse. Their profile on the commercial site talks about cuddling on the couch and being a good kisser and foreplay.

Answering yes to all seven questions on CM means exactly nothing to me. Anyone can lie in a coffee shop or Church too.

The only way to tell is to get to know someone over time.

-Tim-

yes…anyone can lie. Anyone can tell the truth. This doesn’t negate what I said earlier. There is still a profile to read through ahead of time. There was no need to roll your eyes.

 

[TimothyH]

yes…anyone can lie. Anyone can tell the truth. This doesn’t negate what I said earlier. There is still a profile to read through ahead of time. There was no need to roll your eyes.

I was responding to your assertion that you know how Catholic someone is because they answered seven questions. Catholic Match calls seven yes answers “Rock solid faith.” I call that nonsense.

It was just an emoticon. Don’t act so insulted. Emoticons are there to help us express ourselves. Relax.

By the way, NPR had a report that the number one thing which turns off people is when you use smileys in your profile.

-Tim-

 

[agapewolf]

I was responding to your assertion that you know how Catholic someone is because they answered seven questions. Catholic Match calls seven yes answers “Rock solid faith.” I call that nonsense.

It was just an emoticon. Don’t act so insulted. Emoticons are there to help us express ourselves. Relax.

By the way, NPR had a report that the number one thing which turns off people is when you use smileys in your profile.

-Tim-

I never said one thing about “seven questions”

 

[Nini3]

Presuming you’re female, just tell the man in no ambiguous terms that you aren’t interested in him that way. There’s no need for much sugar-coating, it’s enough (but also very important) that you don’t say anything mean.

Yes, I am female. Thank you and all who replied for your advice.

Blessings.

 

[Nini3]

For the record, being on such a website is not about crying and hopelessness. God has given us all sorts of tools, including the Internet, to use. Declining to use them because of counting on a more direct divine intervention would be at least a somewhat hazardous proposition — a bit akin to that proverbial man who kept dismissing boats and helicopters as he prayed for God to rescue him from a flood. (I also knew a more light-hearted version with a man praying to win a lottery but never buying a ticket.)

Thank you.

Blessings.

 

[InigoMontoya]

I have experienced the following situation multiple times in online dating (three times within the last year or so alone):

• man initiates communication and appears to be interested
• although communication is generally ok, it drags on online-only longer than necessary with lukewarm interest (eg- does not want to meet or try taking things further)
• eventually I get a polite little message saying that they recently got more serious with someone else from the site.
• 24 hours of tears/anger/frustration/venting later, feel better. Rinse, repeat (well, not anymore!!)

I wish that I were alone in having to bear this unfortunate side effect of the shopper’s mentality that comes with such sites but am certain that others have experienced the same.

My understand of basic human civility is that if someone is not interested in taking things further, they should politely cut off communication as soon as possible. This is what I have done and would do in any such scenario. But why the string-along act? Why continue with a “back up” right up until the moment your “something better” is secured? Why not be bold enough to say “this is not what I want, but I trust God enough to wait without lying to another human soul about my interest in pursuing a sacred vocation with her”?

Is there something I’m doing wrong to give the impression that I’m “cool” with being a back-up option? Please help…

As for the OP:

1. Initiating conversation, even on a dating site, isn’t necessarily a sign of romantic interest… It’s simply a sign, that they find conversation with you may be interesting or that you may have a something in common. A large number of people use dating sites as social sites, platforms, etc.
2. If you’re receiving lukewarm signals, perhaps there’s lukewarm interest? If your conversation or connection is “just ok” why would you be concerned with continuing it? If you’re wanting to meet, grab a coffee, or what not… just ask them. If they decline, you have your answer.
3. If you receive a message that they got more serious with someone else on the website, be happy for them. Also, be thankful that they’re not being deceptive. After all, you weren’t dating or seeing them by your own accounts, simply randomly chatting.
4. Quite honestly, while your emotions are yours and they’re valid, it’s rather concerning that you’re going into such anguish over someone you’ve never met, never dated, and never had a relationship with. Please don’t confuse randomly chatting, with being in a romantic relationship. Nor should you be concerned with three random people on the internet, over a years time, not wanting to pursue marriage with you. Some people strike out, sort to speak, more than that over the course of a day or even an hour.

Again, people use many of the dating sites as basically social platforms. Yes, they may be interested in finding relationships and that may even be the ultimate goal. However the social activities on some of the sites and randomly chatting with people of similar interests may just be how they occupy some of there time at odd hours during the day. Do you not just strike up random conversations with people? It’s no different online, please don’t confuse that.

As for being “strung along”. Have they set up plans and cancelled them? If so, why are you still interested? Especially, if that’s a pattern. Have they alluded to something more? If that’s the case, and it was sincere, there would have been a followup step such as meeting. If not, it’s rubbish. Have they actually lied to you? If they have, why on earth would you still be interested in them? Again, please don’t mistake that they’re on a dating site as necessarily that they’re actively striving for the vocation of marriage - right now.

 

[chevalier]

Yes, I am female. Thank you and all who replied for your advice.

Blessings.

Well, one more thing if you don’t mind. Some issues found in teenagers, college students and even somewhat older men result from their early experience with the opposite sex. It doesn’t take a monster to be a difficult boyfriend or husband to deal with — all it takes is a person who has suffered and been made bitter or otherwise changed by it. Ridicule and humiliation is one of the worst things that can happen to a man, especially a young one who is very serious about himself and his personal image and his manliness and everything else like that and hasn’t learned how to laugh at himself yet (even when knows he’s been clumsy). Poetically, you could say that every man you let down without ridicule or treating him like a creep is one jerk less on the planet. It also makes you consistently a better person with every such small step, which affects your future marriage and family.