Open Marriage Friends

[lax16]

Thanks everyone for your advice here. I think what this guy said pretty much sums up my experience. Wolves in sheep clothing???

Why would they tell me? I honestly don’t know why they decided to say something. I have been close friends with them for years and introduced them to each other. They didn’t really drop this bomb randomly either. We were talking about a post to one of those Dear Abby columns that was similar to what to they told me. I said I didn’t believe people actually do that for a number of reason (i.e. disease, pregnancy, emotional attachment, etc). That is when they gave me the “welllll…you know” look and got a “we do that.” Everything went down hill from there. Perhaps they are just too comfortable to be airing their personal lives with me. Like kids say these days, TMI (too much info).

I don’t know if I should say something. Accusing someone of something without proof is not a good thing. The only “proof” I have is a he said she said thing. This would be a pretty serious accusation.

Was there anyone else around when they told this to you?

I really feel for you but you have to speak up. These people are delusional to think that their lifestyle has no impact on their ability to hold leadership positions in the church.

Their disconnect is very disturbing.

 

[7armyrugrats]

OK, but how does one go about this issue without creating a “he/said she/said” thing? I saw someone suggested secretly taping them but that feels wrong. Or is it? Eugh…why me!!

I think what I would do us make an appt with the pastor and tell him your dilemma without initially mentioning names or identifying information. For instance, “Father, I know some very disturbing information about a couple who is very active in various Church activities. They are living a very immoral life…”

Leave it up to your pastor to decide what information he wants to hear and whether or not he wants to know the identities of the individuals. You will have done your part by bringing the situation to the attention of the pastor.

If I were you I would distance myself from your “friends.” Now that you know how hypocritical they are (against HHS mandate but pro-sterilization, proclaiming to be devout Catholics arguing against Church teachings on marriage, etc.). These types of people have a way of corrupting even the best among us if not avoided at all costs.

 

[silentfactor80]

I think what I would do us make an appt with the pastor and tell him your dilemma without initially mentioning names or identifying information. For instance, “Father, I know some very disturbing information about a couple who is very active in various Church activities. They are living a very immoral life…”

Leave it up to your pastor to decide what information he wants to hear and whether or not he wants to know the identities of the individuals. You will have done your part by bringing the situation to the attention of the pastor.

If I were you I would distance myself from your “friends.” Now that you know how hypocritical they are (against HHS mandate but pro-sterilization, proclaiming to be devout Catholics arguing against Church teachings on marriage, etc.). These types of people have a way of corrupting even the best among us if not avoided at all costs.

Yes, I agree. I have already begun distancing myself from them. We normally hangout once a week but this week I was “busy” and will be next week too and then after…

 

[PatriceA]

Yes, I agree. I have already begun distancing myself from them. We normally hangout once a week but this week I was “busy” and will be next week too and then after…

Sounds like you really were blindsided…I am sorry that your friends weren’t what you had come to know them to be. It must be quite a loss for you.

 

[silentfactor80]

Was there anyone else around when they told this to you?

I really feel for you but you have to speak up. These people are delusional to think that their lifestyle has no impact on their ability to hold leadership positions in the church.

Their disconnect is very disturbing.

Umm… definitely not. I was visiting them for our weekly dinner get together before bowling. I am worried about their kids too. They claim they “misbehave” infrequently and never in the house but still. It opens your family up to danger!

 

[silentfactor80]

Sounds like you really were blindsided…I am sorry that your friends weren’t what you had come to know them to be. It must be quite a loss for you.

Well if they are THOSE kind of people then it is really no loss at all. Living a lie isn’t healthy.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I think what I would do us make an appt with the pastor and tell him your dilemma without initially mentioning names or identifying information. For instance, “Father, I know some very disturbing information about a couple who is very active in various Church activities. They are living a very immoral life…”

Leave it up to your pastor to decide what information he wants to hear and whether or not he wants to know the identities of the individuals. You will have done your part by bringing the situation to the attention of the pastor.

Yeah… I agree.
People sin… you can’t fix that and neither can your priest… but if he’s in charge of putting volunteers in place at his parish - he has the right to know if someone is causing scandal against the church.

Prayers for your situation.

 

[robwar]

That’s why you need to talk to your priest ASAP.

yes, OP you could go to the priest and not even mention their names just stating that situation as you described it here to us and see what the Priest wants to do because they are so involved in the Church and this does create moral dilemma especially with the youth group since they are not great examples. While they fell justified based on the fact that a number of OT personalities had multiple wives, did they see that the Bible also records all the problems with that such as jealousy, conflicts between the wives and children etc. Obviously, Jesus mentioned one marriage partner in his discussion on divorce and remarriage. It just perverts their own relationship and those involved in the “swinging” scene often end up divorced. The Bible says that what will be done in secret will be announced on the house tops and what is really sad is that secrete sins like this ruin their lives as well as scandalize many more when what they are doing becomes public and blows up in their faces.

 

[7armyrugrats]

Umm… definitely not. I was visiting them for our weekly dinner get together before bowling. I am worried about their kids too. They claim they “misbehave” infrequently and never in the house but still. It opens your family up to danger!

Pray for their kids. Unfortunately it doesn’t appear that they are doing anything illegal even though it is dangerous and sick. I’m praying for them too

 

[thomasf]

I don’t understand people who do this at all. And I really don’t understand how ‘practicing catholics’ can think this is okay.

Talk to your priest about them.

 

[Francoist]

OP, you must speak to the parish priest immediately. These individuals have told you that they seriously hold and practice deviant sexual beliefs and they are involved with the youth group. Need I remind you of the many horrendous scandals that have rocked the Church lately?

This is not merely an issue of moral theology or philosophy. This is a safety issue. There’s no room for you to maneuver here. The situation is what it is and they revealed what they revealed. You’re locked into this. It is your moral (and probably legal, but I am not a lawyer and nothing I say can or may be construed as legal advice) responsibility to talk to the appropriate authorities immediately.

 

[manualman]

See, this is where it’s nice to be catholic. So you’re having this conversation and the other guy insists there’s nothing wrong with “swinging.” (Though any 4th grader in CCD should be able to list this as one of the 10 commandments)

You say: “Really? OK, let’s settle it once and for all. I’ll make an appointment with the pastor and we can both go argue our position and affirm our convictions and behavior.”

He’ll refuse to participate, of course. Then you say, “See? You haven’t totally killed your conscience. Deep down, you KNOW it’s evil, sinful and will be condemned. You just want to do it anyways and don’t care if it’s wrong and destructive to your soul and to your marriage.”

It really is nice to have an authoritative church structure to fall back on as a bulwark against rationalization, isn’t it? People can rationalize nearly anything they really want to do. Even warm, decent, friendly people as you now know. Nice is no substitute for good.

 

[Ellen_Mary]

Oh. my. heck. I am speechless.

I would email Dr. Ray Guarendi (he has a show on ewtn and on Catholic radio) and ask his advice.

I am going to say a prayer for you right now! I bet you are shaking inside and out. I would be.

btw - good for you for using the bible to refute their actions! I probably would have run away (and I don’t scare easily!)

Me to except I don’t run well :crutches:

 

[PilgrimSong]

See, this is where it’s nice to be catholic. So you’re having this conversation and the other guy insists there’s nothing wrong with “swinging.” (Though any 4th grader in CCD should be able to list this as one of the 10 commandments)

You say: “Really? OK, let’s settle it once and for all. I’ll make an appointment with the pastor and we can both go argue our position and affirm our convictions and behavior.”

He’ll refuse to participate, of course. Then you say, “See? You haven’t totally killed your conscience. Deep down, you KNOW it’s evil, sinful and will be condemned. You just want to do it anyways and don’t care if it’s wrong and destructive to your soul and to your marriage.”

It really is nice to have an authoritative church structure to fall back on as a bulwark against rationalization, isn’t it? People can rationalize nearly anything they really want to do. Even warm, decent, friendly people as you now know. Nice is no substitute for good.

Yes! Deep down they really know it’s wrong. Otherwise it would have probably come up a long time ago. Have they ever read the catechism? How about the New Testament where Jesus condemns even looking lustfully at a woman?

I hope you will talk to your pastor ASAP!!

 

[manualman]

…
And it’s weird because…it’s both of them.

It’s as if they are living double lives, but…I can’t tell if they are aware of it or not.

…They are living in their own world, thinking all is fine, oblivious to their disconnect, happy in the life they’ve designed for themselves and see nothing wrong with it.
As if they can have their “Catholic” life plus the other life, too.

I wish they were a unique case in our era, but they aren’t. Take out “swingers” and insert “sterilized” or “contracepting” or “abortion supporters” or “gay marriage supporters” or “tax cheaters.” Heck, it wasn’t that long ago that plenty of mafioso considered themselves “good catholics.” If I may indulge in Politics, even Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden consider themselves good catholics!

People are good at rationalizing. It’s not new.

 

[JasmineGld]

Hi. I am new to this forum.

AND I have an open marriage.

I am not Catholic, but I’m regularly involved in a different church.

Some of the questions raised in the various responses are deeply familiar to me:

—Why talk about it?
—What about the youth group?
—What about their own children?
—Should you distance yourself from them?

…and more.

So I thought that I would offer to talk with the OP and others, if you want to hear from me. What would you like to ask?

Jasmine

 

[silentfactor80]

I think what I may do is talk to a pastor of another Church to start. God made things so simple in the Garden of Eden. Why did we have to mess that up??

 

[Francoist]

I think what I may do is talk to a pastor of another Church to start. God made things so simple in the Garden of Eden. Why did we have to mess that up??

With all due respect, man up. This is a safety issue. Youth are involved. Talk to the pastor of your parish ASAP.

 

[silentfactor80]

With all due respect, man up. This is a safety issue. Youth are involved. Talk to the pastor of your parish ASAP.

I hear what you are saying but with all due respect to you, they are not pedophiles nor are their actions illegal! Granted they are not living Catholic lives but without proof of their actual activities I have nothing to base my claims on!! I could tell a pastor and they could deny it! They are never alone with the youth at anytime as there is ALWAYS multiple adults around. If they said anything counter-Catholic they would be confronted immediately.

 

[PilgrimSong]

Hi. I am new to this forum.

AND I have an open marriage.

I am not Catholic, but I’m regularly involved in a different church.

Some of the questions raised in the various responses are deeply familiar to me:

—Why talk about it?
—What about the youth group?
—What about their own children?
—Should you distance yourself from them?

…and more.

So I thought that I would offer to talk with the OP and others, if you want to hear from me. What would you like to ask?

Jasmine

Really? This is your first post and you offer to answer questions about your own open
marriage? This is a Catholic forum so the focus is on approaching issues from a Catholic perspective. I smell something suspicious…