Open Question for Ladies

  • Thread starter Thread starter onewomanguy
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
O

onewomanguy

Guest
Hello,

I am new on here and figured this is best place to post my [awkward] question.

I am a 29 year old professional man. I have a great job and earn good money. I’m told I’m easy on the eye with good sense of humour, respectful and kind. I come from a good family. I’m a devout Catholic. A virgin.

I also struggle with same sex attraction. I definitely also have feelings towards women but I have a strong sexual desire towards men. I have never acted on these sexual desires with a man. I’m not sure what category society would put me in.

Carrying this cross is difficult, and carrying it alone is even more difficult. Nobody knows of my situation. I have a really strong desire to have a family. So strong. I would like nothing more than to have a wife and raise children, I dream about it and long for it everyday.

I am not sure if it will ever happen for me but I hate to give up hope. I also believe in complete honesty and trust in a relationship.

So my question is this: do you think you or any Catholic female friends you may have would ever in a million years consider dating +/- marrying a guy like me, knowing what I have just spelled out here. Or do you think the best thing for me is a chaste life alone forever.

I have brought this up with priests in confessionals and they have all said “of course it’s possible that you can be married one day”. But really I don’t know how a potential suitor would react to this.

Any advice? Or anyone you know in a similar situation?

Thank you!
 
I think it is absolutely do-able. I have the interesting example of my nearly 20 year old daughter who has always been attracted to guys who have either declared themselves gay and also guys I’d term metrosexuals. Right from a young age this has been her experience. Her best guy friend from Grade 1 to 4 in Primary school, came out after leaving school. Not that she had kept in contact with him over the intervening period, but I’d have never guessed that when he was a kid. He was just a boy that preferred my daughters company. But this is something her friends tease her about all the time.

My daughter herself is kind of masculine in her outlook on life but definitely hetrosexual. I honestly don’t think it would bother her if a guy wasn’t sure about his sexuality when they met. If he was Catholic and made the choice to marry her in the Catholic spirit… I also wouldn’t be worried. When you make the choice to marry, you make the choice to love and love was never meant to be a breeze, but has the power to finally overcome any obstacles in the way of marriage and family. I’d be concerned if after he married her he kept harping about it though. I’d hope he would embrace the whole Catholic marriage deal with proper conviction and direction.

So my bottom line is that if a guy makes a commitment to marry a girl forsaking all other love by the grace of God, he’s cool in my book as a son-in-law.
 
As long as you have some interest in women and have a good track record of chastity (which you do) and are honest about your same-sex attraction (so the woman knows the risk she is taking), I think you could be a very good husband.

I don’t think this is necessarily a deal breaker (although there are definitely good women who will run in the other direction when they hear). Try not to hold it against them.

Best wishes!
 
It’s not something you should probably share on the first date. Give her sometime to get to know you. Remember that the Church teaches sexual attraction does not define who we are.
 
Kudos to you, it’s great to hear about 20 somethings who are devout Catholics!

Yes, I think there are women out there who would marry you, especially if she got to know you well and have great trust that you are attracted to her, and well able to keep your marriage vows.

I think you’re also, unfortunately, going to find some who are wary.

I’ll be praying for you.
 
Given my friend was married to a man for 15 years who left her for a gay man after four children I say proceed with caution. He had told her he had some sexual attraction to men before in his youth when they married but after being married all those years he said he realized he was just trying so hard to conform to the “norm” of society that he realized he really was gay.

Mary.
 
Since you have remained chaste for the ten or fifteen years since you were set loose on the world, yes, of course I would believe you could be faithful to me, provided you found me attractive enough to marry me in the first place. If you found me attractive, I’d believe you could give yourself to me alone for a lifetime, and that is the question. If giving yourself to me was something you had reservations about, that would be a cause for serious concern, but that would be true even if your attractions were strictly towards other women. If I was someone you decided to tolerate as a sexual choice because I was pleasant enough, had admirable “qualities as a person” and could produce babies…that is an issue. That isn’t a frame of mind that makes one’s body and life a total gift.

Few people bring up their sexual temptations in early conversations, so I’d avoid that. It is not that what tempts you is that awful–I would doubt it is as unusual as you might feel it is–but I would be concerned that you obsess about this if you brought it up before we knew each other well enough to call our time together a courtship. Our temptations are an exceedingly personal thing, so it is totally appropriate to keep those private until someone has won a place of trust from which you’d disclose your spiritual struggles with great honesty. More mature people will disclose very private things, but only to a few people, chosen carefully. It is not a matter of having something to be ashamed of, then, but of being wisely circumspect about who you choose to confide in. Plus, you do have to be very honest about whether you are attracted to your intended as a bride ought to attract her husband. She deserves that, and you need that, too. I hope that makes sense.
 
In all the modern history before being ‘proudly’ gay was culturally acceptable, there were many people who chose to commit themselves to marriage and family rather than live covertly gay or single lives. It’s natural to want a family. It’s a higher good than sexual attraction.
 
EasterJoy said:
Since you have remained chaste for the ten or fifteen years since you were set loose on the world, yes, of course I would believe you could be faithful to me, provided you found me attractive enough to marry me in the first place. If you found me attractive, I’d believe you could give yourself to me alone for a lifetime, and that is the question. If giving yourself to me was something you had reservations about, that would be a cause for serious concern, but that would be true even if your attractions were strictly towards other women. If I was someone you decided to tolerate as a sexual choice because I was pleasant enough, had admirable “qualities as a person” and could produce babies…that is an issue. That isn’t a frame of mind that makes one’s body and life a total gift.
Click to expand...
True.
 
My personal opinion is a strong one. I think you’d be hiding behind heterosexuality if you marry while having an underlying homosexual desire / orientation.

This is where I have personal strong opinions. I find it abhorrent of a man to have a wife, and betray her in such a cruel way. No man has the right to do that to a woman.
 
You might consider getting counseling from a wise priest – not just any priest, because as much as I respect all priests, they are not all equally proficient as counselors, and not all on the same page. You could contact your local bishop’s office for suggestions.
Also, I wouldn’t advise talking about your temptations until after you know someone really well. Gossip - at work, at church, anywhere --could really cause you damage.
 
I definitely know it’s possible - I’m married to such a man myself.

That said…proceed with caution.

Be aware, this will cause strain on a marriage. In ways that you can’t possibly imagine. This can also bring you closer as a couple, in ways you can’t imagine. This will force you both to be honest and open, if you want a marriage to succeed. It will be painful, and it will be scary, for you both.

I recommend counseling, both individually and together, both before and after the wedding.

I would not recommend springing this topic on a first date. But, taking the “friends first” approach, I would bring this topic up immediately prior to exclusive/serious dating. And I would be prepared for the vast majority of women to turn around and flee, because this is a hard burden to carry.

(I sometimes wonder, if I didn’t also have a (somewhat lesser, mostly past) struggle with same-sex attraction, if I would have been able to cope with this sort of marriage.)

You have to be brutally honest with yourselves. Are you attracted enough to your bride, to make this work? Are you entering marriage FULLY accepting the situation as is, instead of hoping that marriage will “change” either of you? Are you prepared for your struggles to get worse, during times of stress? (After our first child came along, this issue greatly intensified for us.). Are you prepared for the possibility that the same-sex attraction could get worse, and your marital sexual relationship could suffer?

There’s a lot to think about, and work through. I don’t think this situation, depending on the relative strengths of same-sex and opposite-sex attraction, is all that common, and it will be hard to find a spouse willing to take it on.

But yes, I think it’s possible. I wouldn’t trade my husband for anything, and can’t imagine being without him!!! :love:
 
Thank you all so much for your replies which are mostly encouraging. I completely understand that it would be difficult and a heavy burden within a marriage. I am not considering this to try and “change” or “conform” I have tried and prayed for God to take the SSA away but I know that this is never going to happen for me.

I should clarify that I don’t intend to marry just to “be married”. I mean that if I fall in love with a girl and she with me and I then raise this issue with her, I wondered what my chances would be. I think I have been in love twice before, both women, the last time being particularly difficult and heartbreaking when I ended the relationship. I ended it because I was struggling with SSA and was so afraid and embarrassed to raise this issue with my then girlfriend and we were moving closer to possible marriage etc. I will live to regret that decision for the rest of my life.

I have not yet met someone that has stirred up the same kind of feelings in me. But I pray that if and when I do, that I can make it last into a long and loving marriage.

Thanks again!
 
onewomanguy said:
Thank you all so much for your replies which are mostly encouraging. I completely understand that it would be difficult and a heavy burden within a marriage. I am not considering this to try and “change” or “conform” I have tried and prayed for God to take the SSA away but I know that this is never going to happen for me.

I should clarify that I don’t intend to marry just to “be married”. I mean that if I fall in love with a girl and she with me and I then raise this issue with her, I wondered what my chances would be. I think I have been in love twice before, both women, the last time being particularly difficult and heartbreaking when I ended the relationship. I ended it because I was struggling with SSA and was so afraid and embarrassed to raise this issue with my then girlfriend and we were moving closer to possible marriage etc. I will live to regret that decision for the rest of my life.

I have not yet met someone that has stirred up the same kind of feelings in me. But I pray that if and when I do, that I can make it last into a long and loving marriage.

Thanks again!
Click to expand...
Kudos to you for being a devout Catholic.👍 Yes, it is possible, especially with prayer. There is a poster “Catolico65” in the “End of Times” thread in the Back Fence part of the forum, he originally had SSA, and through prayer, he is now happily married with children. And a devout Catholic. Maybe you can send him a private message, I am sure he would want to chat with you regarding this matter. He seems to be a kind soul, a helpful poster. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless. Take care 🙂
 
onewomanguy said:
Thank you all so much for your replies which are mostly encouraging. I completely understand that it would be difficult and a heavy burden within a marriage. I am not considering this to try and “change” or “conform” I have tried and prayed for God to take the SSA away but I know that this is never going to happen for me.

I should clarify that I don’t intend to marry just to “be married”. I mean that if I fall in love with a girl and she with me and I then raise this issue with her, I wondered what my chances would be. I think I have been in love twice before, both women, the last time being particularly difficult and heartbreaking when I ended the relationship. I ended it because I was struggling with SSA and was so afraid and embarrassed to raise this issue with my then girlfriend and we were moving closer to possible marriage etc. I will live to regret that decision for the rest of my life.

I have not yet met someone that has stirred up the same kind of feelings in me. But I pray that if and when I do, that I can make it last into a long and loving marriage.

Thanks again!
Click to expand...
There are many excellent thoughts from the posters above. I’m very impressed that you are such a devout Catholic and so honest in your approach. It sounds like you would make an excellent husband if you found the right woman and you could both be very honest with one another if things were heading toward thoughts of marriage. I agree with others that it’s not something that should be brought up early in a relationship.
God’s plans are definitely not always the same as ours, but they can truly be amazing if we keep close to Him above all else for guidance through prayer and the sacraments. Sending out a prayer your way. God bless you always.
 
First of all, I commend you for being a devout Catholic and someone who is chaste. Good for you! That being said, before going any further in a potential relationship with a woman you need to figure out the same sex attraction part of your nature. There is a an organization called NARTH with Dr. Nicolosi at the helm who does reparative therapy for people with same sex attraction. As a Catholic, I think it would be imperative for you to figure this out before you can commit to marriage.
 
Of course marriage is possible for you! There’s no law that says you have to be absolutely perfect. Many of us aren’t :D.
You have received lots of good advice on this thread. Be very circumspect about when/to whom you bring up this issue, as has been said.
As someone who has struggled with this issue, I can assure you that when I decided to marry my husband, I was worried in some ways. I shouldn’t have been. Although I am not saying everything is always a bed of roses, and sometimes temptations arise, being happily married is worth everything. I love my DH heart and soul. I would definitely do it all again. Having a beautiful, accomplished family is totally worth it.
However, do make sure that your future wife knows so she can help you carry this burden. It helps to have a spouse who knows everything about you, believe me.
 
onewomanguy said:

“I think I have been in love twice before, both women”

That sounds very promising. I think you do have a very good chance of success, if you can find the right woman and have appropriate spiritual support.
 
onewomanguy said:
Hello,

I am new on here and figured this is best place to post my [awkward] question.

I am a 29 year old professional man. I have a great job and earn good money. I’m told I’m easy on the eye with good sense of humour, respectful and kind. I come from a good family. I’m a devout Catholic. A virgin.

I also struggle with same sex attraction. I definitely also have feelings towards women but I have a strong sexual desire towards men. I have never acted on these sexual desires with a man. I’m not sure what category society would put me in.

Carrying this cross is difficult, and carrying it alone is even more difficult. Nobody knows of my situation. I have a really strong desire to have a family. So strong. I would like nothing more than to have a wife and raise children, I dream about it and long for it everyday.

I am not sure if it will ever happen for me but I hate to give up hope. I also believe in complete honesty and trust in a relationship.

So my question is this: do you think you or any Catholic female friends you may have would ever in a million years consider dating +/- marrying a guy like me, knowing what I have just spelled out here. Or do you think the best thing for me is a chaste life alone forever.

I have brought this up with priests in confessionals and they have all said “of course it’s possible that you can be married one day”. But really I don’t know how a potential suitor would react to this.

Any advice? Or anyone you know in a similar situation?

Thank you!
Click to expand...
I’m in the same boat–I fall for men and vastly prefer their company, but I also experience the annoyance of sexual attraction to my own sex. I think I may be called to marriage too. I know some people are only interested in same sex, so feel they must be celibate for life, but many others experience both and still want a family. I know it isn’t PC but anyone with eyes who spends time with families is going to realize that few people are 100% heterosexual and it can be more fluid (in my humble opinion!)

That said, for what it is worth: as long as my husband was deeply attracted to me and my whole being, I would PREFER someone like you, onewomamguy, over a man who never had those feelings and/or never admitted the weakness. I tend to have closest friendships with men who experience both attractions. We understand each other better.

I always always fall for a person not a gender.

I hope this makes you feel better. It’s all true. I would want a man devoted to me but who could relate to my being slightly different too and not judge.
 
LongingSoul said:
In all the modern history before being ‘proudly’ gay was culturally acceptable, there were many people who chose to commit themselves to marriage and family rather than live covertly gay or single lives. It’s natural to want a family. It’s a higher good than sexual attraction.
Click to expand...
Precisely

Onemanwoman, what is more important to me is a faithful man who is attracted to me as a whole person, and who is a devout catholic that wants the best for our immortal souls. A much higher good than sexual attraction.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top