Open Question for Ladies

[erine]

My personal opinion is a strong one. I think you’d be hiding behind heterosexuality if you marry while having an underlying homosexual desire / orientation.

This is where I have personal strong opinions. I find it abhorrent of a man to have a wife, and betray her in such a cruel way. No man has the right to do that to a woman.

To be clear, I was assuming the OP would very slowly over time help the woman he loves understand this cross he bears, and it would go without saying that he loves and is more deeply attracted to her than anyone. If she consents with full knowledge of his situation, that is not a betrayal. We are not talking about keeping it a secret and using her as a cover, which would be wrong.

I have studied human sexuality research a lot in school and independently and there is a broad spectrum; many people are bisexual or fluid in sexuality, or mostly ssa but fall deeply for a spouse and are more attracted; and so on. It is a bit naive in my opinion to assume that all married couples have a rigid heterosexuality.

Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman that is a higher good than sex. I think the OP should pray for the right person. There only has to be one.

 

[child_of_God85]

So you would consider yourself bisexual? Are you sexually attracted to women or do you just like the idea of having a family? You need to find that answer.
I’m bisexual. I’m attracted to both. I’ve never had a same sex relationship, I met a great guy and fell in love. And we were both virgins when we met. But I’m gonna love who I love, be it male or female. Love is a beautiful thing, no matyer who you love. Be true to yourself.

 

[Tampa_Dave]

My brother is gay or minimally bisexual. He likes to believe he has a heterosexual attraction to females, but he acknowledged gay encounters years ago and problems with gay porn in more recent years. He is devoutly Catholic now and remains celibate. I somewhat understand the issues you’re facing. Good luck and proceed with caution.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

Hello,

I am new on here and figured this is best place to post my [awkward] question.

I am a 29 year old professional man. I have a great job and earn good money. I’m told I’m easy on the eye with good sense of humour, respectful and kind. I come from a good family. I’m a devout Catholic. A virgin.

I also struggle with same sex attraction. I definitely also have feelings towards women but I have a strong sexual desire towards men. I have never acted on these sexual desires with a man. I’m not sure what category society would put me in.

Carrying this cross is difficult, and carrying it alone is even more difficult. Nobody knows of my situation. I have a really strong desire to have a family. So strong. I would like nothing more than to have a wife and raise children, I dream about it and long for it everyday.

I am not sure if it will ever happen for me but I hate to give up hope. I also believe in complete honesty and trust in a relationship.

So my question is this: do you think you or any Catholic female friends you may have would ever in a million years consider dating +/- marrying a guy like me, knowing what I have just spelled out here. Or do you think the best thing for me is a chaste life alone forever.

I have brought this up with priests in confessionals and they have all said “of course it’s possible that you can be married one day”. But really I don’t know how a potential suitor would react to this.

Any advice? Or anyone you know in a similar situation?

Thank you!

You’re human and thus subject to the Fall including concupiscence; I wouldn’t hold it against you.

If you told me late in a relationship, but before you proposed and it would actually increase your standing in my eyes as it means you really trust me.

If you’re a devout Catholic, a good human being and a solid provider you’ll very likely find someone.

Kudos to you for being a devout Catholic. Yes, it is possible, especially with prayer. There is a poster “Catolico65” in the “End of Times” thread in the Back Fence part of the forum, he originally had SSA, and through prayer, he is now happily married with children. And a devout Catholic. Maybe you can send him a private message, I am sure he would want to chat with you regarding this matter. He seems to be a kind soul, a helpful poster. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless. Take care

He wasn’t ever really attracted to the same sex, he convinced himself that he must be gay ergo he was attracted to the same sex. That’s sad, but by no means the same thing as the OP.

 

[savedbygrace71]

I’m not going to read the other responses first, as I’d like to give you a totally honest reply. This is my sister’s marriage. Her husband even said many years ago he was gay. But then they married, and have children. They have been married for many years now. They have never come out and said anything, but I have put it together over the years and finally, finally, can start to understand his position. I respect him for making the effort. For choosing a life that would be less sinful than being actively homosexual. But I often feel sad for my sister, if they are missing something in their sexuality, in their connection, if somewhere deep inside he has a longing for something, someone else. She has never said so, though. They have a deep, deep friendship and by most appearances a happy marriage, with children.

So, yes. Yes, I think you can do this. But be prepared for your life to be long and full of temptation. Your homosexual feelings likely won’t go completely away, although some people like to say that it will. Be honest with the woman you fall in love with. Tell her just what you said here, that you deeply desire a Catholic family and wife. That with her help you can face your future together.

All the best to you :hug3:

 

[soren]

Onewomanman,

There are all kinds of different people. You simply need to find a person you’re happy with. Sex isn’t very important to some people. It’s very important to others. Considering you’re a virgin at 29, I’d say it’s not very important to you. Therefore you could date people you’re not attracted to more easily than a sexual person could. So find a religious lesbian who, like you, doesn’t want to admit she’s gay. You two might be somewhat happy together.

 

[thewanderer]

Onewomanman,

There are all kinds of different people. You simply need to find a person you’re happy with. Sex isn’t very important to some people. It’s very important to others. Considering you’re a virgin at 29, I’d say it’s not very important to you. Therefore you could date people you’re not attracted to more easily than a sexual person could. So find a religious lesbian who, like you, doesn’t want to admit she’s gay. You two might be somewhat happy together.

I’m sorry, but this post is more than a little presumptuous. First off, you essentially call the OP a liar and assume that he does not experience attraction to both genders but is only SSA, second, you assume that simply because he is still a virgin at age 29 he doesn’t think sex is important or wouldn’t view it as an important aspect of marriage. Honestly, who are you to assume the OP is mistaken about his own sexual attractions? And the claim that only those who would be more than happy being celibate will still be a virgin by age 29 is ridiculous. Perhaps next time you give advice you could avoid making such assumptions?

 

[soren]

I’m sorry, but this post is more than a little presumptuous. First off, you essentially call the OP a liar and assume that he does not experience attraction to both genders but is only SSA, second, you assume that simply because he is still a virgin at age 29 he doesn’t think sex is important or wouldn’t view it as an important aspect of marriage. Honestly, who are you to assume the OP is mistaken about his own sexual attractions? And the claim that only those who would be more than happy being celibate will still be a virgin by age 29 is ridiculous. Perhaps next time you give advice you could aServoid making such assumptions?

Thewanderer,

You either live under a rock or don’t experience sexual attraction strongly yourself. Yes, in this day and age (or in any day and age, really), if a person is a virgin at 29, then it means that that person is not sexual. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. I’m simply saying it means he’s not sexual. It’s easy for non-sexual people to be virgins, just like it’s easy for non-athletic people to sit and watch TV. It’s easy for non-sexual people to not be sexual, just like it’s easy for dumb people to avoid books.

 

[Hobbes42]

Thewanderer,

You either live under a rock or don’t experience sexual attraction strongly yourself. Yes, in this day and age (or in any day and age, really), if a person is a virgin at 29, then it means that that person is not sexual. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. I’m simply saying it means he’s not sexual. It’s easy for non-sexual people to be virgins, just like it’s easy for non-athletic people to sit and watch TV. It’s easy for non-sexual people to not be sexual, just like it’s easy for dumb people to avoid books.

So by this logic, if by 29 I’ve never killed anyone it means I could not be a murderer?
Your baseless generalization demands recourse to reason…

 

[soren]

So by this logic, if by 29 I’ve never killed anyone it means I could not be a murderer?
Your baseless generalization demands recourse to reason…

If you consider the desire to kill a person on par with the desire to make love to a person, then I think you might have problems. Killing is not one of humanity’s most basic desires. Having sex is.

 

[jimmy]

Thewanderer,

You either live under a rock or don’t experience sexual attraction strongly yourself. Yes, in this day and age (or in any day and age, really), if a person is a virgin at 29, then it means that that person is not sexual. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. I’m simply saying it means he’s not sexual. It’s easy for non-sexual people to be virgins, just like it’s easy for non-athletic people to sit and watch TV. It’s easy for non-sexual people to not be sexual, just like it’s easy for dumb people to avoid books.

Am I living in some alternate universe where logic is flipped on its head because your conclusion in no way follows from your premise? Simply because someone hasn’t had sex doesn’t mean they aren’t sexual (or experience sexual desire). It could be that they have a certain amount of self control, or it could also be that they are socially awkward. Or maybe it is something else.

 

[jimmy]

If you consider the desire to kill a person on par with the desire to make love to a person, then I think you might have problems. Killing is not one of humanity’s most basic desires. Having sex is.

Depends on who you ask. Abraham Maslow is one example of someone who would disagree. Sex is obviously not a basic desire because you can live without it, and many people do. The basic desires would be hunger, thirst, survival, etc.

 

[LongingSoul]

Am I living in some alternate universe where logic is flipped on its head because your conclusion in no way follows from your premise? Simply because someone hasn’t had sex doesn’t mean they aren’t sexual (or experience sexual desire). It could be that they have a certain amount of self control, or it could also be that they are socially awkward. Or maybe it is something else.

Exactly. It could also mean that saving sex for marriage is a deeply held principle of faith. It could be that we choose to put God first above our wants. It could be that we value other people as precious and not just commodities to be used for our gratification.

Tosh@soren.

 

[soren]

Exactly. It could also mean that saving sex for marriage is a deeply held principle of faith. It could be that we choose to put God first above our wants. It could be that we value other people as precious and not just commodities to be used for our gratification.

Tosh@soren.

Seriously, I about gagged on the holier-than-thou dishonesty and dorky-ness of this post. You are not a saint. Neither am I. We have desires. If our desires are strong enough, and we’re in a position to fulfill them, we’ll act on them.

 

[soren]

Depends on who you ask. Abraham Maslow is one example of someone who would disagree. Sex is obviously not a basic desire because you can live without it, and many people do. The basic desires would be hunger, thirst, survival, etc.

You’re confusing basic needs with basic desires.

And keep in mind that people who resort to quoting more famous people usually do so because they know their own ideas are pretty weak.

 

[LongingSoul]

Seriously, I about gagged on the holier-than-thou dishonesty and dorky-ness of this post. You are not a saint. Neither am I. We have desires. If our desires are strong enough, and we’re in a position to fulfill them, we’ll act on them.

You’ve obviously lived life in an insular bubble of selfish self absorbtion. Do you even see a value in self control and sexual moral fortitude in conducting yourself?

 

[jimmy]

You’re confusing basic needs with basic desires.

And keep in mind that people who resort to quoting more famous people usually do so because they know their own ideas are pretty weak.

Same thing. Desire and need go together. I am quite satisfied with my own ideas. People who focus on others techniques of arguments and criticize their sources rather than their arguments tend to know that their own arguments are weak. You still haven’t answered the fact that your logic is false.

 

[soren]

You’ve obviously lived life in an insular bubble of selfish self absorbtion. Do you even see a value in self control and sexual moral fortitude in conducting yourself?

You need to learn how to write better, because poor writing allows people to ignore your (perhaps silly) ideas.

Of course I see value in self control. It allows me to get work done and live well. But what you call “sexual moral fortitude” means nothing. Your idea of “sexual moral fortitude” will be far different from a European’s, from an Saudi Arabian’s, from a priest’s, from a porn star’s, et cetera.

Grow up. Your opinion isn’t moral fact.

 

[thewanderer]

Thewanderer,

You either live under a rock or don’t experience sexual attraction strongly yourself. Yes, in this day and age (or in any day and age, really), if a person is a virgin at 29, then it means that that person is not sexual. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. I’m simply saying it means he’s not sexual. It’s easy for non-sexual people to be virgins, just like it’s easy for non-athletic people to sit and watch TV. It’s easy for non-sexual people to not be sexual, just like it’s easy for dumb people to avoid books.

I take it you would also class me as a non-sexual person seeing as I was a virgin when I married in my mid-twenties? Assuming that to be the case let me give you a little bit of insight into what us “non-sexual” types actually feel about sex. I find it extremely important to my marriage, one of the most important aspects of my marriage, actually. So much so that I realize just how ridiculous and insulting it is for you to claim that if someone is still a virgin they should go marry someone they don’t want to have sex with and who doesn’t want to have sex with them. Honestly, your posts really make it seem as though you are the one who lacks in real life experience. Not everyone fits into your preconceived “sexual vs non-sexual” stereotypes.

 

[ynotzap]

Like any marriage there are commitments for life. This doesn’t eliminate the spiritual trials of life. Concupiscence is one of weaknesses of human nature due to original sin. In a gay person, not necessarily a homosexual, but having a desire, or tendency for the love of someone of the same sex, there is an additional spiritual problem. One would have to have a real strong spiritual life centered on Christ. To enter a marriage otherwise could easily wind up in a disaster. I know a family who had four beautiful children well educated and cared for only to witness how their father, a practicing homo-sexual was causing his wife much pain and trouble entertaining his lovers in their home, using family finances. I t got so bad that one of the daughters shot her father dead. Every child grew up with some nervous and stressful affliction. Yes a good marriage can be had but only by the grace of God, like any marriage. It will require a real battle, but then one will draw closer to God because of the battle, and be guaranteed a happy and loving life and family if he remains committed to God and family.