Opinions needed - I'm trying to be a better wife

[CalledtoServe]

Thought you guys could help. I welcome anybody with experience, wisdom, or just anybody with an opinion. Be as brutal as you need to be.

I’ll present this as if it comes from my husband, so you can see his perspective. I’m not complaining or trying to husband bash here. I’m trying not to speculate either but am basing this on experience.

"I’m so frustrated with my wife. I get so upset with her, but don’t like her to ask me what’s wrong. I’ll just say, ‘nothing’; after all she should be able to read my nonverbal cues. She’s not good at this, and that concerns & bothers me. How is she going to identify our children’s (all under 10) problems when they’re teens if she can’t read nonverbal cues?

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***I am the sole bread winner, and that’s fine by me. However, I expect the house to be clean whenever I get home. She is home all day. Yes, the main living areas are neat but there’s the children’s room and a room that acts as a storage or junk room. ***

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When I ask her to clean/organize a room, she ends up moving things into another room or placing things in bags for that eventual garage sale. She says she wants the children to make some $ to help support their school (homeschool). That’s great, but I don’t like seeing everything accumulate.

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We have books everywhere. We have boxes with clothes for next season, or next year, or 2 years from now. ‘There’s a place for every thing & every thing in it’s place’, I always say, and it just isn’t happening.

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I go to work early; they see me off then sleep in some more. Who know what time they wake up. I go to bed early, & she goes to bed later. She says that’s the only time she has to herself all day. When I’m off I don’t see her doing much outside of basic home maintenance (cooking, picking up, sweeping the kitchen, etc.) She says she does all the rest during the week & when I’m off she’s off. She says this is when she wants to spend time as a family. I’m tired & don’t want to do anything away from home.

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The children bicker, they don’t pick up after themselves, they complain, they eat with their fingers. The home should be a place of peace & relaxation. Mine is not."

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O.K. guys help me out here. Your perspective is different than mine, & maybe your ideas will help out. Thanks!

 

[Karin]

CalledtoServe:

Thought you guys could help. I welcome anybody with experience, wisdom, or just anybody with an opinion. Be as brutal as you need to be.

I’ll present this as if it comes from my husband, so you can see his perspective. I’m not complaining or trying to husband bash here. I’m trying not to speculate either but am basing this on experience.

"I’m so frustrated with my wife. I get so upset with her, but don’t like her to ask me what’s wrong. I’ll just say, ‘nothing’; after all she should be able to read my nonverbal cues. She’s not good at this, and that concerns & bothers me. How is she going to identify our children’s (all under 10) problems when they’re teens if she can’t read nonverbal cues?

***I am the sole bread winner, and that’s fine by me. However, I expect the house to be clean whenever I get home. She is home all day. Yes, the main living areas are neat but there’s the children’s room and a room that acts as a storage or junk room. ***

When I ask her to clean/organize a room, she ends up moving things into another room or placing things in bags for that eventual garage sale. She says she wants the children to make some $ to help support their school (homeschool). That’s great, but I don’t like seeing everything accumulate.

We have books everywhere. We have boxes with clothes for next season, or next year, or 2 years from now. ‘There’s a place for every thing & every thing in it’s place’, I always say, and it just isn’t happening.

I go to work early; they see me off then sleep in some more. Who know what time they wake up. I go to bed early, & she goes to bed later. She says that’s the only time she has to herself all day. When I’m off I don’t see her doing much outside of basic home maintenance (cooking, picking up, sweeping the kitchen, etc.) She says she does all the rest during the week & when I’m off she’s off. She says this is when she wants to spend time as a family. I’m tired & don’t want to do anything away from home.

The children bicker, they don’t pick up after themselves, they complain, they eat with their fingers. The home should be a place of peace & relaxation. Mine is not."

O.K. guys help me out here. Your perspective is different than mine, & maybe your ideas will help out. Thanks!

I say give the poor woman a break…if you dont like the way she cleans or cooks hire a maid!

 

[marvin]

He should thank God every day that he has a job, a home, a wife and healthy children (and God willing they will always be). I think we all need to appreciate what a gift all of these “mundane” things are. I understand that its difficult when everything is realtively stable, but things can turn on a dime. Take it one day at a time and try to find the good in everything.

Peace.

 

[GregoryPalamas]

While I certainly agree with the two responses thus far he isn’t here to respond. He can’t improve unless his dear wife somehow communicates with him…unless, of course he reads this thread.

Dear One,

I believe you are probably a wonderful spouse. Why else would you be asking for help to be an even better wife? You are doing homeschooling as well as rearing your children and trying to keep house? I believe you need a little help either with the schooling or with the housekeeping or you need a larger house.

Is there a way to sit down with your husband and talk through these alternatives? Such a discussion would show that you are doing your best to find creative ways to solve your families problems. It also includes him in the life of the home.

It does seem from an objective point of view you have just a little too much to juggle on your own. Is your mom around to help? Can you hire one of those room organizer people? Can you set a goal each month for you and your husband to unclutter an area? Is a room addition in your future? Is there a way to isolate the school room from the rest of the house?

Dan L

 

[GregoryPalamas]

While I certainly agree with the two responses thus far he isn’t here to respond. He can’t improve unless his dear wife somehow communicates with him…unless, of course he reads this thread.

Dear One,

I believe you are probably a wonderful spouse. Why else would you be asking for help to be an even better wife? You are doing homeschooling as well as rearing your children and trying to keep house? I believe you need a little help either with the schooling or with the housekeeping or you need a larger house.

Is there a way to sit down with your husband and talk through these alternatives? Such a discussion would show that you are doing your best to find creative ways to solve your families problems. It also includes him in the life of the home.

It does seem from an objective point of view you have just a little too much to juggle on your own. Is your mom around to help? Can you hire one of those room organizer people? Can you set a goal each month for you and your husband to unclutter an area? Is a room addition in your future? Is there a way to isolate the school room from the rest of the house?

Dan L

 

[GregoryPalamas]

While I certainly agree with the two responses thus far he isn’t here to respond. He can’t improve unless his dear wife somehow communicates with him…unless, of course he reads this thread.

Dear One,

I believe you are probably a wonderful spouse. Why else would you be asking for help to be an even better wife? You are doing homeschooling as well as rearing your children and trying to keep house? I believe you need a little help either with the schooling or with the housekeeping or you need a larger house.

Is there a way to sit down with your husband and talk through these alternatives? Such a discussion would show that you are doing your best to find creative ways to solve your families problems. It also includes him in the life of the home.

It does seem from an objective point of view you have just a little too much to juggle on your own. Is your mom around to help? Can you hire one of those room organizer people? Can you set a goal each month for you and your husband to unclutter an area? Is a room addition in your future? Is there a way to isolate the school room from the rest of the house?

Dan L

 

[GregoryPalamas]

While I certainly agree with the two responses thus far he isn’t here to respond. He can’t improve unless his dear wife somehow communicates with him…unless, of course he reads this thread.

Dear One,

I believe you are probably a wonderful spouse. Why else would you be asking for help to be an even better wife? You are doing homeschooling as well as rearing your children and trying to keep house? I believe you need a little help either with the schooling or with the housekeeping or you need a larger house.

Is there a way to sit down with your husband and talk through these alternatives? Such a discussion would show that you are doing your best to find creative ways to solve your families problems. It also includes him in the life of the home.

It does seem from an objective point of view you have just a little too much to juggle on your own. Is your mom around to help? Can you hire one of those room organizer people? Can you set a goal each month for you and your husband to unclutter an area? Is a room addition in your future? Is there a way to isolate the school room from the rest of the house?

Dan L

 

[GregoryPalamas]

While I certainly agree with the two responses thus far he isn’t here to respond. He can’t improve unless his dear wife somehow communicates with him…unless, of course he reads this thread.

Dear One,

I believe you are probably a wonderful spouse. Why else would you be asking for help to be an even better wife? You are doing homeschooling as well as rearing your children and trying to keep house? I believe you need a little help either with the schooling or with the housekeeping or you need a larger house.

Is there a way to sit down with your husband and talk through these alternatives? Such a discussion would show that you are doing your best to find creative ways to solve your families problems. It also includes him in the life of the home.

It does seem from an objective point of view you have just a little too much to juggle on your own. Is your mom around to help? Can you hire one of those room organizer people? Can you set a goal each month for you and your husband to unclutter an area? Is a room addition in your future? Is there a way to isolate the school room from the rest of the house?

Dan L

 

[GregoryPalamas]

While I certainly agree with the two responses thus far he isn’t here to respond. He can’t improve unless his dear wife somehow communicates with him…unless, of course he reads this thread.

Dear One,

I believe you are probably a wonderful spouse. Why else would you be asking for help to be an even better wife? You are doing homeschooling as well as rearing your children and trying to keep house? I believe you need a little help either with the schooling or with the housekeeping or you need a larger house.

Is there a way to sit down with your husband and talk through these alternatives? Such a discussion would show that you are doing your best to find creative ways to solve your families problems. It also includes him in the life of the home.

It does seem from an objective point of view you have just a little too much to juggle on your own. Is your mom around to help? Can you hire one of those room organizer people? Can you set a goal each month for you and your husband to unclutter an area? Is a room addition in your future? Is there a way to isolate the school room from the rest of the house?

Dan L

 

[CalledtoServe]

GregoryPalamas:

While I certainly agree with the two responses thus far he isn’t here to respond. He can’t improve unless his dear wife somehow communicates with him…unless, of course he reads this thread.

Thanks for this comment. I was afraid maybe I’d given the wrong impression. I really am not trying to destroy my husband’s reputation here. I love him very much, and he has lots of good qualities. What I’m presenting here are those things that bother him. We all have them; whether they’re reasonable or not is not the issue. It is, how can I do the best as a wife given those things that my husband desires?

Thanks also for the suggestions. I’ll pause to reflect on those a while especially those questions you’ve asked.

 

[Jay74]

While previous posters are correct that he probably should be more grateful and cut her a break, that really isn’t advice here. If he posted this and we were talking to him, it would be great advice. However, he didn’t post this, his wife did, and since she can’t (and shouldn’t try to) control him, we need to think of things she can do. Like many, “he’s a jerk” popped into the back of my head, but we haven’t really heard his side, and blaming him may foster some resentment of him which may not help–the tone of her post indicates she doesn’t want to be negative towards him.

Fortunately, as a wife, you most likely have more influence over your husband than you realize. The key to influencing a husband is respect (not all, many are jerks, but I can’t make that assumption about him). Respect is to a man what love and affection is to a woman.

A few weeks ago, I was home alone all day while she was shopping with her mother. She came in the door very irritated and pounced on me verbally because she thought I lounged around all day and didn’t do anything on the house. I was quite annoyed at her disrespect, thinking to myself “you shop all day, and have the nerve to be condescending to me because you think I did nothing?” Frankly, I think I was justified in feeling that way (she’d feel the same way expected her to work while I played golf). However, what she said was wrong, and I didn’t want to fight, so without lashing back at her I said “Honey, I spent most the morning in the basement insulating our hot water pipes. I scrubbed out the oven. And all your laundry is washed and, folded/hung.” A bit later, she hugged me and said she was sorry she snapped at me for no reason. Not so bad–much better than her verbal retaliation if I would have resorted to insulting or criticizing her attitude instead of just simply telling her what I did.

My point? He may not realize all you done. Prioritize what you need to do during the day, and do what you can. If he’s annoyed about something not being done, let him know what you did do. Tell him that it took 5-6 hours of your day to get through homeschooling, vaccuming and dusting took another 2 hours, you spent an hour preparing supper before he got home, you had to ____, and ____, etc.

Neither one of you is superior here. He’s working hard, and you should appreciate that. However, you’re working hard too–make sure he knows it. You can’t make him appreciate it, but you can make sure he knows it.

I hope this helps.

 

[jman507]

If you want to be a better wife, I think you should start off by telling him that you don’t feel you are doing a good enough job, but you are trying to do what you can. A lot of times there can be a lot of work that one does that goes unscene. I’m sure he might understand, if he’s a decent worker I’m sure quite often what he can do isn’t quite matched up to what he expects what he can do. Little things happen that suck up a lot of time.

He probably has every right to expect thoughs things, but he should also have every right to know why and accept if there are problems with meeting those expectations. Kids are messy, and cause lots of little problems.

If you gain that confidence that you are a good worker, then I think it’d be even easier to read those nonverbal clues. Right now you have little confidence and are stuck thinking about yourself, and how your not a good wife and not the others as you should. But maybe you just have a hard time with nonverbal clues, if you let your husband know then he’ll know to verbalize them.

If it was your husband who was trying hard and not getting promoted as expected, I’m sure you’d be happy and love him just the same amount if you knew he was doing the best he could. You’d be a little upset with him, if you thought he was slacking and didn’t get that promotion. I’m sure you’d just want an explanation that he is doing the best he can, the expectations where just a little too high.

 

[kage_ar]

4 Children under the age of 10 – homeschooled…

My dear, you HAVE a full time job. At that age, the above mentioned 5-6 hours of schooling each day seems about right. Lesson prep, lunch, outside activity – you have a full work day right there.

My mom also homeschooled 4 kids, there is a 7 year span from oldest to youngest. Until the oldest of us were old enough to be more self-taught AND of significant assistance with the housekeeping, mom had some part-time help.

Do not beat yourself up, know that you need and extra pair of hands! Everyone wants to live in a tidy house, when you both work full time you run out of hours in the day. If you have to hire someone to come in and clean once a week – do it. Remember, in the “Bible times” while a mother was at home, many of those moms had servants and the kids worked, they did not have to do Biology and Grammar homework –

And I agree – weekends SHOULD give time off, Saturday AM have a big GI party where everyone pitches in and cleans. Then after that, the weekend is left for family, friends, Mass, cooking out on the grill, eating cold cut sandwiches for lunch, reading some good books, having a glass of wine with hubby etc.

 

[juancross]

Reverse the rolls for a while,i did though not planned when i was made redundant it taught me a lesson you have four kids,one more than me now thats hard work, i think your grand.Still shiver at the thought of being stuck in the house all day doing chores, much better sharing them and getting some FREEDOM All the hard work is worth it though you will have grandchildren and thats marvellous you can hand them back to ma an pa at the end of the day. May God keep blessing you

 

[kp1]

First, I did not read all of the responses, so I maight be repeating a lot here. Second, as much as I hate to say it, it is one sided (I know you were writing on behalf of your husband, but what about your opinion).

1. You do have a job, it is called MOM. In addition to that, you are HSing. I think this could be cleared up with some good old communication. Go out to a quiet place (not necessarily expensive) where you do not have to shout to hear each other. It could even be a picnic lunch. Explain to him what is going on when he is not there and reconnect with each other. One day the children will move out and you will have each other, you need to talk!

2)Organizational issues! You need to get organized. I know some people have problems in this area, so here are some of my favorite places to get ideas (I am a CONTAINER QUEEN by the way).

myorganizedlife.com/

lifeorganizers.com/?source=googlewords

If these do not do it for you and you really need to call in the pros, use this link to help find someone local.
napo.net/

And yard sale, ebay, give away all of the stuff you either do not like or love. Surround yourself with things that you love or stir good feelings inside of you. Once you finally let go of your burdens you will be suprised at the lighter and happier feeling you will have obtained.

1. Once #2 is completed, your house cleaning will become more stream lined. (Less nick-nacks = less things to dust). As for your children’s rooms, if they are over the age of 5/6 then they can pick up, the little ones need more direction but will become more efficient at it as they get older. One trick I have learned, try to do one chore a day, like hit the bathrooms on Monday, the kitchen floors and counters on Tuesday, etc. You will be suprised at how much you can get done in 15 minutes a day. Also it is easy to throw a load of laundry in before breakfast, dryer at clean up and fold before lunch.

I hope this helps, Sorry for the misspellings, I have exceeded my online quota and need to rush to a child b’day party!

 

[AlanFromWichita]

First, I love the way you presented this.

It shows exactly what you feel is being nonverbally communicated, and gives us a great deal to work with. No, I haven’t heard his side, but this way of asking for help, IMO, is a fascinating way of going about it.

First, I think you may like the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. There are workbooks and workshops that go with it. I haven’t read the book, but have attended a one day workshop at our Spiritual Life Center in Wichita. Our diocese actually gives seminars in a “catholicized” presentation.

The gist is there are five different languages that Dr. Chapman finds commonly used to convey the messages of love, and if the husband and wife don’t understand the same language, everything they say just goes by each other. Some women want flowers, others would prefer help with the dishes. It behooves a man to know that, but men and women seem to have a Brick Wall that prevents them from being able to detect this in each other.

The five languages are, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch. The gist is you take surveys and find out what your primary Love Language is, and your guess at what your husband’s is. The husband does the opposite. Then you compare notes and learn lots of great things.

I can offer some detailed comments on other ways to frame what you have said, that may give you an idea on how to approach your husband, whom I assume for discussion loves you as much as you do him.

Alan

 

[jman507]

Sorry to add another responce. I think the deadly sin here is pride. I have done this quite often myself. Thinking I can do more than what I think I can and thinking it all has to be perfect, and feeling bad when I cannot meet that expectation. Don’t feel too bad, I suffered from this type of pride too. Often at my job too. Like I said before try to understand your limitation and places where you are wasting time. Then communicate it to your husband. It would be my guess your not communicating that you are overwhelmed, so of course he’s going to get frustrated. If you show you are obiedent to your call, he should understand. Please be greatfull for what you can do.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Now here are some ideas that I hope might help:

CalledtoServe:

"I’m so frustrated with my wife. I get so upset with her, but don’t like her to ask me what’s wrong. I’ll just say, ‘nothing’; after all she should be able to read my nonverbal cues. She’s not good at this, and that concerns & bothers me. How is she going to identify our children’s (all under 10) problems when they’re teens if she can’t read nonverbal cues?

I’m not always sure I know what’s wrong, so I don’t like to talk about it. In any given day by the time I get home I just feel kind of stunned, and can’t tie it to any particular event. Also I’m a bit nervous to bring up certain topics around her because I don’t want to seem like I’m putting her down, and she does get defensive sometimes. I hate that when she thinks just because I say the least little thing she takes it as I think she’s not a Good Wife. That’s so far from what I think I can’t deal with it; I don’t understand how to talk to someone under these conditions.

Why is it when I am with my buddies I can feel free to “be myself” but when I am around my wife, whom I love, I feel like I have to put on this “mask” of sorts? Gee, I wonder what it would be like to be gay, and not have to talk seriously with a woman? (Oops! Just kidding! )

***I am the sole bread winner, and that’s fine by me. However, I expect the house to be clean whenever I get home. She is home all day. Yes, the main living areas are neat but there’s the children’s room and a room that acts as a storage or junk room. ***

I wish I knew what it was like when I’m not home. I suppose by the time retire and can come home and really experience the day together, the kids will be all gone. Sigh. I don’t get it. She is home all day and I have no clue what that is like on any consistent basis. I’m jealous of the control she gets to exercise over the kids and house when I’m gone, because I have some ideas too and I wish I could try them. How can I leave a legacy at this rate?

When I ask her to clean/organize a room, she ends up moving things into another room or placing things in bags for that eventual garage sale. She says she wants the children to make some $ to help support their school (homeschool). That’s great, but I don’t like seeing everything accumulate.

I’m a control freak. I wish I could be here to make all the decisions but I’m not. When I leave and come back and things aren’t the way I’m expecting, I lose it. I really just want to come home, relax, and at least for ten minutes not have to deal with any controversial issues, and I don’t want to walk in to a totally rearranged living room and get an implied pop quiz the instant I appear at the door, “well, do you like it?” Gosh, I just got used to it the way she changed it last time; no I DON"T LIKE IT CHANGING EVERY FIVE MINUTES BUT I’LL GET USED TO IT AND YOU OBVIOUSLY WOULDN"T UNDERSTAND so I’ll just say, “uh-huh, it’s fine, honey” and sulk. If she can’t figure out by now that every time she moves things and surprises me with it, then I don’t know what I can possibly say. Maybe I should have stopped and had a brew on the way home, after all.

We have books everywhere. We have boxes with clothes for next season, or next year, or 2 years from now. ‘There’s a place for every thing & every thing in it’s place’, I always say, and it just isn’t happening.

I don’t mean to be a jerk, but when I’m not here I don’t know why she can’t do what I imagine I’d do if I were in her place. My mother’s house didn’t look like this, and I don’t think I should have to get used to things being different than when I lived with Dear Old Mom. Except, of course, now I’m the head of the family and I do like the perks of being married.
I can’t really explain that because that will only feed her image that I am a Momma’s Boy, and that I am not as understanding with her as her father was with her mother.

I go to work early; they see me off then sleep in some more. Who know what time they wake up. I go to bed early, & she goes to bed later. She says that’s the only time she has to herself all day. When I’m off I don’t see her doing much outside of basic home maintenance (cooking, picking up, sweeping the kitchen, etc.) She says she does all the rest during the week & when I’m off she’s off. She says this is when she wants to spend time as a family. I’m tired & don’t want to do anything away from home.

I hate my job; all I ever do is just get rested up to go back to it. God help me find a better way. I want to be a family man, but when do I get just a little rest? When I get home everybody is all happy to see me and wants to do things. I should be happy they love me, but please give me some quiet; without it I shall go insane.

The children bicker, they don’t pick up after themselves, they complain, they eat with their fingers. The home should be a place of peace & relaxation. Mine is not."

I’m just not as involved as I want to be. I can’t be because I don’t have the time. When I do have the time I’m tired or need to get something done that I couldn’t do during the week. I just want to get things in order so I can spend time with them, but they think I’m pushing them away. Maybe I am. Why is everything so unfair? Life sucks, then you die.

Alan

 

[quattrocchi]

I’ve struggled with many of the organizational issues you brought up. I’m a homeschooling mom, too. Here are a few thoughts, I hope they are helpful. I do not mean to be at all critical. I know you can not be a worse housekeeper (or anything else) than I have been and sometimes still am.

First, try to be grateful that your husband cares about the condition of the house. It is hard if it is often/always expressed as criticism, however, I think it would have been helpful to me if my husband ever noticed or cared about what the house looked like. In 28 years, he has yet to wash a floor (has done the dishes less than 10 times, etc. etc.). He claims not to care about the house and therefore doesn’t need to do anything about it. Enough. Back to your situation. Your husband cares about what the house looks like. You love him (don’t you?). Try to do what it takes to make the house better.

Specifically, give away all the boxes of stuff NOW. Don’t wait for a yard sale. If you can’t get the stuff to charity, try FREECYLE, if that doesn’t work or you don’t want strangers coming to the house, just throw it away. What possession is worth your husband’s peace of mind (and your whole family’s)???

Give some of the books to the library. This is hard. I love books.
But, weed them out. You can always check more out of the library.

It seemed that when I stockpile tons of stuff (and boy, did I), I couldn’t find it when I needed it anyway! I finally made a few rules about the kids clothes. First, I kept a reasonable supply of 0-6 months neutral colors, summer and winter. I didn’t want to be going to yard sales with an infant. After that, I only stored things that I would be using the next year. I cut down drastically on the amount of clothing each child had at any one time, less laundry, less on the floor. I cut back on the number of toys, too.

About the sleep time. Been there too. I think this is a huge mistake. Don’t set up separate schedules from your husband! Tell him you need a little time with him to wind down. Talk, watch a short program, get him to work with you washing/drying the dishes, then GO TO BED TOGETHER!

AND GET UP TOGETHER!!!

The fact that you all go back to bed when he leaves, shows that you are going to bed too late.

Your personal time needs to be during the kids’ nap time. IF that doesn’t work, ask DH if a couple evenings per week he will go over schoolwork with the children, play a board game with them, take them for a walk, play a clean up against the timer (10 minutes), read books to them, whatever, for two hours while you do your thing. BUT ON THE OTHER NIGHTS, you need to do those things as a family.

If you can get any household help (and that includes mother’s helper teens who just read to the kids or play in the yard while you have your time) DO IT. Make whatever financial sacrifice is practicable to make this happen.

I have been in your shoes. You would expect me to join in the “your husband’s a jerk” chorus, but I don’t think that is the answer. You can do better.

Much love and prayers to you. I wish I hadn’t had to learn the hard way.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

quattrocchi:

I have been in your shoes. You would expect me to join in the “your husband’s a jerk” chorus, but I don’t think that is the answer. You can do better.

I agree, and although the “husband’s a jerk” ostensibly came through on the OP, I took that to mean a characiture based on What It Seems Like From This Angle so I also assumed this attitude was not axiomatic, but an uncovering of the known problematic ways of thinking.

You have given some good ideas. I just wanted to explain that after I reread my “commentary” what I really did was switch victims.

The OP showed wife as victim of husband’s cluelessness and other behavior. I wrote comments that showed husband as victim of the world, which wife may not be the problem but also is not the solution. This is not to say he actually thinks that way, but I tried to show how both can feel the martyr when neither actually wishes the other one to be miserable.

Also, before communication can be level, we have to establish the neither of us actually intends to hurt the other or ignore the other’s feelings. If you think “how come he’s OK, but I’m broke, or supposedly broke” then you will resent him. If you think “I’m not the one at fault, he is. I’m OK, he’s not,” then you are asking for him to resent you. If you remind yourself, “he loves me and wants to see me happy, and I am the same for him, so how can we cooperate” then you will help get past the blaming and hurt, and be able to get right to the issues – if there even still is one after you make the decision that, summarized, is “I’m OK, you’re OK.”

Alan