Opinions needed - I'm trying to be a better wife

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CalledtoServe:
Thanks Jay 74. Here’s my next question. It’s easy to say, “I appreciate all you do”. These are words I use frequently. However, what would be a good way to show I appreciate what he does?
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Honestly, I’m not totally sure. Much of it depends on what your husband likes, and his individual personality.

My wife has sent me cards, cooked my favorite meal, planned a romantic evening in the bedroom, to name a few–and told me i’m such a wonderful husband when she does that. I can’t go into too much detail on this forum, but one time I came into the bedroom and she had lit candles and was waiting for me, and all she said was “My husband has done so much for me, and I want to be close to him.”

Whether or not mushy stuff works with him, I don’t know. Most guys enjoy intimate time with their wives.

If that isn’t his style, if clutter in the spare room is bothering him, maybe set aside some time during the week around your homeschooling (maybe give the children assignments while you are doign other things) just to work on it, and let him know that you want to make a happy home for him.

Most men are so thrilled when their wives treat them with respect, are attracted to them, and appreciate them, that it is huge thanks. A lot of it depends on his individual personality.

I checked out the web site someone else posted in response to me on another threat. It is called loveandrespect.com/. it has alot of good info. In general, respect is to a man what love is to a woman. Respecting and admiring a man is like getting flowers. Desiring him in the bedroom is too many men the equivalent of the man surprising you with a tropical vacation.

I hope this helps. Bless you, you seem like a good-hearted woman. 🙂
 
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mass4life:
Please obtain the book “A Mother’s Rule of Life.” It changed my perspective on mothering, it truly is a vocation, as much as any nun or priest. Your home is your convent, taking care of your children, husband, and home is what the Lord Himself has called you to do.

This book will help you organize your home and your life. READ IT!!
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Thank you. I did order it and am anxious to read it.
 
Thanks to all of you. You’ve given me some great resources & ideas. I wish I could respond personally to each of you.

Any more ideas are always welcome.
 
You know, as I read this, I kept thinking about all those jokes regarding standard “home economics” taught in the 50’s.

You know, the school texts with the lines about looking nice for your husband when he comes home for the day.

. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
  1. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
  2. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
  3. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
  4. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
  5. Some Don’ts: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
  6. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
  7. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
  8. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
  9. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
Now, I have only ever heard this from a humorous/incredulous perspective. But the older I get, the more I realize there is PROBABLY something to this!

As mother’s and wives, we are the nurturers and caretakers. Our husbands are the protectors and breadwinners. Our husbands protect and support us as wives, but somehow the nurture and caretake for our husbands has been a little neglected.

I think Alan had a great point when he mentioned how the “husband” really compares his adult home, with the home of his childhood. Women, I think, wish to make their home their own, and be independent of their childhood. I think husbands wish to have the comfort of a home from his childhood.

Please DO NOT misunderstand. I think a mother’s job is EXTREMELY hard, and I think you are probably doing a wonderful job. But that said, I do think that your husband just wants the home he provides for his family to be a place of peace and relaxation as his childhood home was for him. And, I do not think he is being unreasonable for wanting this.

I agree with the previous posters who say that a lot of the problem here will be to get rid of the clutter. Ebay is a great way to unload “lots” of items that are similar. Bunch all your size 2T toddler clothes together, take a few pictures, have your kids write out descriptions of each item and put them up for bid. I purchased and sold my daughter’s clothes over the last 7 years this way. I make money on the clothes in many instances. Same with books and videos and toys.

Otherwise, just donate them all to charity. Do not wait for a rummage sale. (cuz then you gotta clean out the garage TOO!)

Continued…
 
The other thing I have noted in those homes that I look up to, is the SCHEDULE AND ORGANIZATION involved. These families have things organized, and are on a solid schedule. They eat the same time every day, they wake up the same time every day, they do a chore on the same day every week. When the family members know what to expect, there is less stress. You aren’t trying to get the kids to help with a chore ALL waking hours of the day and you have more control over every hour you have- that’s less stress for you!

I’m not a fan of the television shows like the Nanny, but in each of those “wild home” situations, one of the biggest pieces of advice that these nannies bring to the homes are the schedules…

Remember Mary Poppins?

This is the toughest part of the advice to implement because you have to get yourself and all your kids on the same schedule. I also agree with the poster who said to have the same schedule as your husband. Maybe your spousal quiet time can be in the morning before he goes to work. The children can greet him when he gets home at night. And I too think you should try to go to bed together.

Good luck
 
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CalledtoServe:
Thought you guys could help. I welcome anybody with experience, wisdom, or just anybody with an opinion. Be as brutal as you need to be.

…
O.K. guys help me out here. Your perspective is different than mine, & maybe your ideas will help out. Thanks!
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OK, There is one issue that everyone seems to be avoiding, and I realise that in this forum I have to be careful too. But that issue is sex.

As one or two respondants have said - going to bed at different times is not a good thing. Are you avoiding something?

I have an excellent book called “His Needs - Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley. He says he has counselled thousands of couples and asked them to list their top needs, things they cannot do without. Then he compared the top five for men to the top five for women. And guess what? They are completely different. So men assume the woman needs what he needs and the woman assumes the man needs what she needs (& the other doesn’t need what they don’t need). If one or more of these needs are not being met inside the marriage there is good chance they will eventually be met outside the marriage - and then trouble really starts.

So for men the top five needs (according to him) are:
  1. Sexual fulfillment (don’t forget this is him not you)
  2. Recreational Companionship (yes take an interest in football!)
  3. An attractive spouse (don’t let yourself go)
  4. Domestic Support (yes cookiing, cleaning, a quiet welcoming home)
  5. Admiration (someone mentioned Respect).
These may raise the hackles of any feminists, but remember this is about what men actually want, not what feminists thing men should want.

Before anybody asks the top five for women are:
  1. Affection
  2. Conversation (she wants him to talk to her)
  3. Honesty & Openess
  4. Financial support (she wants him to be at least the main bread winner).
  5. Family Committment (be a good father to their children).
    So there’s something for us guys to work on.
    Hope that helps.
 
Steve, I am glad “domestic support” is number 4 on the list of men’s preferences, because if men are too particular about the state of the house (I’m thinking with babies and toddlers) their wives will have much less energy for # 1,2 and 3!!

Thank God my husband actually prefers NOT to have a spotless house, he actually feels less comfortable when it is. Also, a priest once warned me against focusing too much on order of the house since his sister was like that and would frequently lose control when they messed up. I admit I am that way when I am getting ready for company, which explains why I rarely have people over these days!:eek:

I realize all situations are different, but my husband said it is much harder being home alone with kids than being at work, and he doesn’t even manage to accomplish 1/2 the chores I do! Keep in mind we do have several children, mostly boys, ages 3 months to 14. Yet it amazes me how many people think there is absolutely no excuse for a less than spotless house regardless of circumstances simply because you are “home all day” Talk about lack of respect respect for all we do accomplish!😦
 
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char34:
Thank God my husband actually prefers NOT to have a spotless house, he actually feels less comfortable when it is. Also, a priest once warned me against focusing too much on order of the house since his sister was like that and would frequently lose control when they messed up. I admit I am that way when I am getting ready for company, which explains why I rarely have people over these days!:eek:
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I agree. I think the key word you mention is comfortable. We want to live in a home not a show house, just as we don’t expect 5 star meals. So there is a balance to be struck.
And probably we men don’t appreciate just how hard it is trying look after several children as well as doing all the other things around the house.
 
Here are some suggestions:

Instead of saving for the “eventual” garage sale, donate the items to goodwill, etc.

Same goes for children’s items that they won’t clean up, depending on how old the children are. How does he want the storage room organized? Does it need shelves or something else? Kids rooms are almost always messy.

Kids eating with their fingers: they aren’t very good at using a fork when they’re young. My 6 yr old takes forever if he tries to use his fork for his green beans. He does it for a while, but then he wants to get done and he picks them up. No big deal. Sounds like there might be some differences in opinion regarding discipline and rules.

Arrange for an entire weekend away from the home with just your husband. Find someone to watch the kids for the weekend from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. It sounds as if he might be a little burnt out.

Read that book about men from mars, women from venus (or however it is called). Then have him read it.

Just some thoughts.
 
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steve99:
OK, There is one issue that everyone seems to be avoiding, and I realise that in this forum I have to be careful too. But that issue is sex.

As one or two respondants have said - going to bed at different times is not a good thing. Are you avoiding something?

I have an excellent book called “His Needs - Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley. He says he has counselled thousands of couples and asked them to list their top needs, things they cannot do without. Then he compared the top five for men to the top five for women. And guess what? They are completely different. So men assume the woman needs what he needs and the woman assumes the man needs what she needs (& the other doesn’t need what they don’t need). If one or more of these needs are not being met inside the marriage there is good chance they will eventually be met outside the marriage - and then trouble really starts.

So for men the top five needs (according to him) are:
  1. Sexual fulfillment (don’t forget this is him not you)
  2. Recreational Companionship (yes take an interest in football!)
  3. An attractive spouse (don’t let yourself go)
  4. Domestic Support (yes cookiing, cleaning, a quiet welcoming home)
  5. Admiration (someone mentioned Respect).
These may raise the hackles of any feminists, but remember this is about what men actually want, not what feminists thing men should want.

Before anybody asks the top five for women are:
  1. Affection
  2. Conversation (she wants him to talk to her)
  3. Honesty & Openess
  4. Financial support (she wants him to be at least the main bread winner).
  5. Family Committment (be a good father to their children).
    So there’s something for us guys to work on.
    Hope that helps.
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Hey Steve99,

That’s a pretty good list. I like that it is short, and right to the point. Speaking as a male, I agree that is my ‘top 5’. And yes, I’m sure it does raise the hackles of the feminists, but you can’t change facts. The truth is, there is probably no place for feminism in a successful marriage.

My wife agrees that the ‘top 5’ on the female’s list is probably her top 5, as well. I’m quite sure that she, and most other females, can come up with a list that goes way beyond the ‘top 5’. The ‘top 100’, perhaps?http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon10.gif

I wonder how much less divorce and family destruction would occur if both husbands and wives implemented the those ‘top 5’, everyday?
 
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CalledtoServe:
Thanks to all of you. You’ve given me some great resources & ideas. I wish I could respond personally to each of you.

Any more ideas are always welcome.
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“CalledtoServe” certainly is an appropriate name–a constant consideration no matter what you do. It’s the proper perspective, whether your husband is 100 percent of the problem or ten percent.

So I wouldn’t dwell at all on whether your work at home is demanding, and your performance something to be appreciated. They are; know it and then continue living in the “it’s not about me” mode, which is the only way to be a parent or a spouse.

“It’s not about me” doesn’t mean you are letting your husband make it all about him; it’s an essential attitude for both of you. But you’ve got to have it whether you see it in him or not. At the same time you can be working to grow that attitude in him, for his sake, and your family’s–not for yours specifically.

Not that you’re not already doing this. Just a reminder. It’s us, not “him” and “me”. The world and our society urge married people not to give up their power to the other (or their uniqueness, their time, their career, etc.). That’s a perversion of marriage. There must be an assumption at the beginning that self-interest is not what we’re about.

Peace.
John

PS; Gee, you don’t have to hit the hay simultaneously every night, but a routine of different bedtimes can’t be helpful to the us thing.
 
john ennis said:
"So I wouldn’t dwell at all on whether your work at home is demanding, and your performance something to be appreciated. They are; know it and then continue living in the “it’s not about me” mode, which is the only way to be a parent or a spouse.

“It’s not about me” doesn’t mean you are letting your husband make it all about him; it’s an essential attitude for both of you. But you’ve got to have it whether you see it in him or not. At the same time you can be working to grow that attitude in him, for his sake, and your family’s–not for yours specifically.
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You’ve got it right on the “it’s not about me” attitude. All marriages, for that matter, all relationships would improve if we all adopted this attitude.
 
Have you ever been to a Marriage Encounter? If not, I can recommend it for almost all married couples. This is for good marriages that need a little sprucing up. The weekend is entirely devoted to EACH OTHER!! You leave the outside world and spend precious time together…!!You can find time and places for Marriage Encounter on the internet, or ask your parish priest. We usually have 2 of these a year in our area.

We went several years ago and will try to go again next spring. I think I can all but guarantee that by the end of the weekend, you will have come to a new understanding, and be more in love than ever. That =working together to work it all out. It is all about “US” not me or you.

Best wishes

Love and peace:love:
 
“Boundaries in Marriage” by John Townsend and Henry Cloud are great marriage books as well. I took their “Boundaries” (not marriage, but Boundaries) class at a local church a couple years ago–it changed my life. 🙂
 
I am not certain what the real issues are here. Off the top of my head, I would hug him and say, I am not a mind reader, darling, tell me what you need. I would have him call me when he is on the way home and form the children into a cleaning crew and get the house looking great for when he walks in the door, etc.

There are new behaviors to try, but I think the basic may be he is not feeling loved and appreciated by you. May feel you do not listen to him. And, of course, is he right?? Are you slacking off on your chores? Are the children getting rude and obnoxious through your lack of disciplining them? Do you have a school schedule that you at least attempt to follow, a schedule that you two, as the parents, worked on as a team?

Just my two cents.
 
Or maybe you could take this advice:

Excerpt from a 1950s Home Economics Textbook

Compiled by Ms. Leslie Blankship
Columbus, Ohio

Have dinner ready: Plan ahead even the night before to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

****Prepare yourself: ****Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-wary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

****Prepare the children: ****Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quite. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. Some don’ts: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax-unwind.

Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

****Make the evening his: ****Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

****The goal: ****Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Sounds a little too June Cleaver for me, but hey - anyone who can wear pearls for dinner at home has got it together!

No, really. It’s hard for the breadwinner to imagine what can happen in a day at home with young ones. If you have different housekeeping styles it’s even worse. I hope you are able to find some common ground. Good luck and lots of prayers!
 
my husband was quite taken aback when he saw the Christmas present I received from my dear Benedictine sisters, a book called “How to Change your Husband”, he asked: what did you tell them about me?

Actually the book, based on Mary’s messages to us, is on how a wife should conduct her life and vocation. In other words, start by changing yourself and conforming yourself more closely to Mary.
 
Everybody has been so helpful. I am sssslllllooooowwwllllyyy trying to read each one, decide what applies to me, and incorporate these ideas. I do not process quickly so I’ll be reading and rereading.

Thanks so much and God bless you all. I’ve said a prayer for everyone who’s responded.
 
Dear Heart,

I will add my 2 cents from my experience: First, the children MUST help. How complete is their education if they are not making beds, loading the washer & dishwasher and setting the table?
Second, help your husband by encouraging him to eat an apple on his way home from work. He will be less tired, hungry and irritable.
Communication is key. Tell him you do not read minds and he must tell you what he’s thinking and feeling but NOT when he’s feeling tired, hungry and irritable (see note above).
Together you can work it out - only together, not on your own.
God bless you!
k~
 
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