Opinions needed - I'm trying to be a better wife

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You know, my wife and I have a great life now. We have been married almost 20 years and have six delightful children.

A few years ago we still loved each other, but we weren’t as close as now. There was a time when my wife probably could have been the OP, and been quite justified because I was so clueless.

I think it’s just too cool the way you are coming here and laying these issues right out there to try to be a better wife. I don’t know what your husband would think of it, but I have little doubt he will be a happier man one way or the other because you took this step.

Alan
 
CalledToServe,

I have some slightly different views from some of the other posters.

First of all, is your husband fully supportive of your homeschooling the children? I homeschooled for 2 years and my dh was not entirely supportive of the situation. I also worked parttime, and homeschooled 3 kids under age 9. So, when dh came home, I ran out and did my job. It was very stressful. The housework was always last priority as I tried to get the children’s lessons in before having to get ready for work. Anyway, just wanted to clarify if he was on board with hsing, as this could be causing some of his irritation with the housework not being done. If he’s not on board, perhaps discuss alternatives with re: to sending older kids to school, etc.

I still have many friends in the hsing community. Many with 5+ children. It is a lot to manage. Typically, if they continue with hsing, they hire tutors or put some of the older kids in school. Not ALL of them, but many of them do this.

It sounds like you have a clutter problem too. I’ve just done some major de-cluttering around here. You MUST start getting rid of stuff. What got me started on it was going to a friend’s home, who homeschools. I brought her a dinner as she just had her 6th child (under age of 8). Her home was immaculate. However, what I noticed is, it was EXTREMELY bare. NO CLUTTER. What a peaceful, easy to clean home. If you don’t have time for a garage sale, give it to Goodwill, or simply throw it out. This will de-stress you, and give you less to pick up each day.

I know others have recommended getting the children to help out. I find it easy to have them clean their own rooms, and make their beds. I also make sure they clean their own messes. Even if you don’t have regular chores for them, being firm on the above 2 things really helps out.

Also, I know that my dh needs “down time” when he comes home from work. I do not work full time, but even I need a little break (even 15 mins.) before effectively transitioning from work to home. If my dh gets a short rest or takes a walk with the dog, etc. before having kids, me, etc. “bugging” him, he’s in a much better frame of mind. I know you feel that YOU need a break when he gets home, but I bet a little sacrifice on your part to give dh a little transition time, might make him feel more appreciated and relaxed, and then he may appreciate you a little more:thumbsup: .
 
There are 2 books that I have heard great things about for women who truly want good marriages and to understand their husband.
 
Tell HIM he needs to try and be a better husband!
Code: 
               ~ Kathy ~
P.S. YOU already have your hands full
 
About what do you and your husband agree?
  1. each of you, separately, make a list about what you think are in agreement
  2. together, with no interruptions (none!), discuss your lists
  3. stay on track. If one of you lists something the other one doesn’t, immediately note it and move on (there will be time to discuss this later).
  4. when you have finished, you have your agreements. Do you and your husband pray? This would be a good time to offer thanks to the Lord for the blessings of your life together.
About what do you and your husband disagree?
  1. each of you, separately, make a list about what you think are your disagreements (some of these may come from the previous exercise).
  2. together, with no interruptions (none!), discuss your lists
  3. again, stay on track. You’re trying to identify at this point, not solve.
  4. when you have finished, you have your disagreements. Pray concerning this list, as well.
  5. identify one of your disagreements that you would like to resolve first (not all at the same time). If possible, pick one that has the highest degree of success (each of you and together could use a boost in confidence).
Should this be too difficult; then, together, discuss with a priest or a Catholic Counselor. 🙂

I pray for you and your family.
 
CalledtoServe,

It’s so funny, because that letter sounds like it’s describing me. For one eerie moment while I was reading it, I thought someone was trying to tell me something!

Seriously though, I have to agree with some of the posters above who talked about homeschooling. I homeschool too, and all of my homeschooling friends agree that when one homeschools, the house is never going to be in pristine condition. There are people in the house all day, most of them are children, and they are busy learning. If I went into a fellow homeschooler’s house and didn’t see at least one large stack of something - books, papers, toys, clothes - I’d think there was something wrong.

It’s good to have some order so that people can eat at the table and sit on the couch in the evening. But save the perfect, museum-quality, pristine home for when your kids are grown and you are retired.

One thing you can do to help combat the chaos though, and I am beginning to implement this in my house, is to have a few simple routines that will establish a bit of order. For me, this is a work in progress. I have a few rudimentary things I do each day as I try to establish a routine. I have many more things I need to do regulary, but I’m starting small so I don’t get overwhelmed.

For example, my morning routine goes like this:
  1. Pull sheets up on trhe bed (Don’t make it neatly like our wonderful military personnel do, just toss up the blankets over the pillows, it takes three seconds).
  2. Sanitize the kitchen sponge: Dampen the sponge, place on a folded paper towel, microwave for 60 seconds, carefully remove it by holding the edges of the paper towel since it will be burning hot. (I started doing this after a nutritionist told me how much bacteria accumulates in a sponge after just one day.)
  3. Change the kitchen towels (We keep a dish towel and hand towle next to the sink)
  4. Empty ice trays and re-fill them (our family uses a lot of ice.)
Evening routine:
  1. Finish filling dishwasher and start it running once sink is cleared of any other dishes.
  2. Wash any other dishes that either didn’t fit in the dishwasher or can’t go in the dishwasher.
  3. Scour out sink, wipe down faucet
  4. Wipe counters.
  5. Make sure to transfer any laundry that might be in the washer to the dryer.
  6. If I am going to morning Mass or an exercise class the next day, lay out the clothes I will need for that.
I have found that even these small actions make the day go so much smoother. Eventually I want to add a regular cleaning/vacuuming routine to it for the different days of the week. Right now our vacuuming is haphazard. Dusting is really bad! Also, once we finish remodelling the basement room for our daughter’s new bedroom (her request - she is in the tiniest room upstairs right now), I will have her keep her schoolbooks there. That will keep our table uncluttered, since she seems to always leave her books at one end of the table.
 
Have you ever seen that Nanny911 show? While it doesn’t sound like you have out of control kids, it sounds like YOU FEEL that your schedule and organization is out of control.

One thing the “Nanny” reccommends on that show is a visual schedule. A timetable with velcro or laminated strips that can be interchanged on a few items, but a schedule that basically stays the same. You could easily use a dry erase board or a chalkboard, too.

I would suggest you have a Children’s Schedule and a Mommy Schedule. This might totally intrigue Dad, as when he comes home all he has to do is look at the schedule and see exactly what all of you did that day. It would eliminate his fantasy that all you do is sleep, eat and maybe fling a lesson or two at your children.

I would put them up side by side, so he can ALSO see that while the children are working on lessons, you dust and vaccum the first floor after instructing them.

Here is an example:
7:00–See Daddy off to work/Go back to sleep
7:45–Mommy Showers
8:00–Children Rise and Shine/Get dressed
8:15–Breakfast and Morning Prayer
8:45–Mommy Cleans Kitchen/Children Make Beds
9:00–Lesson 1 at Kitchen Table
9:45–Children Break/Mommy puts in laundry
10:00–Lesson 2 Outside
10:45–Children Snack/Mommy Changes Laundry and Sweeps Kitchen
11:15–Lesson 3 at Kitchen Table
11:45–Kids set table for lunch/Mommy prepares food
12:00–Lunch and Special Intentions with Children (Prayer)
12:30–Mommy Cleans up Lunch
12:30–Children do Assigned Chores (Clean closets/Pick up Toy Room/Fold or Put Away Laundry)
12:45–Mommy tidies up living room/Windexes/Dusts
1:00–Mommy and Children spend 30 minutes in pre-organization of Garage Sale
1:30–Children Play Outside/Mom waters garden
2:00–Lesson 4 at Kitchen table
2:45–Children Snack
3:00–Divine Mercy Chaplet as Family
3:30–Children Free Time/Mommy prepares dinner
4:30–Mommy cleans her bedroom and bathroom
5:00–Mommy does quick clean-sweep of downstairs
5:30–Children Set Table
6:00–Dad arrives home

Obviously this is just a completely random example…but I know of many PERSONAL cases where it has worked (I used to do home programs for families with special needs children) and also seen it used on Nanny911. Obviously you could modify it any way you needed to, and you could even schedule your evening, too…that way children always know when bath time and bed time are, when their time with dad is, etc.

You sound like a very good wife. Try to also think of ways to eliminate some of the things YOU do that your children could do, depending on their ages. If they are old enough, they should be able to clean up their lesson and put away materials. They can also help with snack or meal preparation and clean up. They can learn to make their own beds. They can learn to put away toys or find out that toys disappear if they aren’t taken care of properly.
 
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AuntMartha:
CalledtoServe,

It’s so funny, because that letter sounds like it’s describing me. For one eerie moment while I was reading it, I thought someone was trying to tell me something!
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IMO this is one of the many mysterious ways the Holy Spirit works, but uttering inexpressible groanings to our subconscious, and if we are sensitive enough our peripheral consciousness picks up on those symbols. We can’t see the Spirit, but it is like the wind where you can look at the trees and tell which way it is blowing.

How faithless I am to need a semi-wordly explanation of it (not explanation, really, because it is speculative – one of my physics teachers used to call it a “feasibility argument”), but please indulge me in suspecting that someone or some One was, in fact, trying to tell you something, that His will be done, and that there is a reason you read that particular post that you may never consciously know.

I love this kind of stuff. For me, I think mystical theology is probably even more interesting than dogmatic theology.

Alan
 
Please obtain the book “A Mother’s Rule of Life.” It changed my perspective on mothering, it truly is a vocation, as much as any nun or priest. Your home is your convent, taking care of your children, husband, and home is what the Lord Himself has called you to do.

This book will help you organize your home and your life. READ IT!!
 
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AlanFromWichita:
Now here are some ideas that I hope might help:

Alan
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Wow Alan, thanks for the wonderful insight. It’s like I jumped into my husbands mind. A male perspective really helps.
 
QUOTE=quattrocchi]First, try to be grateful that your husband cares about the condition of the house.Try to do what it takes to make the house better.
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You’re right! I guess the effort is worth it.

QUOTE]
What possession is worth your husband’s peace of mind (and your whole family’s)???

You’re right on target quattrocchi.
Give some of the books to the library. This is hard. I love books.
But, weed them out. You can always check more out of the library.
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This will take effort. I gave our children a huge stack of books to look through. They were to put the books they like in one pile & those they’d outgrown or didn’t like in another. After 30 min. there was one skinny little maze book in the give away pile. I guess I need to be grateful they love books & then sit with them through the next sorting.
I cut down drastically on the amount of clothing each child had at any one time, less laundry, less on the floor. I cut back on the number of toys, too.
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This sounds like a great idea. Not every toy & item of clothing can be their favorite. “But you can’t give that away, it’s my favorite.”
GO TO BED TOGETHER!

AND GET UP TOGETHER!!!
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More great advice. Thanks! I’ll just need to find time during the day for myself.
I have been in your shoes. You would expect me to join in the “your husband’s a jerk” chorus, but I don’t think that is the answer. You can do better.
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Thanks for not saying “your husband is a jerk” 'cause if he posted something on here everybody might be saying, “gosh, your wife is such a complainer”.
 
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AlanFromWichita:
The OP showed wife as victim of husband’s cluelessness and other behavior. I wrote comments that showed husband as victim of the world, which wife may not be the problem but also is not the solution. This is not to say he actually thinks that way, but I tried to show how both can feel the martyr when neither actually wishes the other one to be miserable.

Also, before communication can be level, we have to establish the neither of us actually intends to hurt the other or ignore the other’s feelings. If you think “how come he’s OK, but I’m broke, or supposedly broke” then you will resent him. If you think “I’m not the one at fault, he is. I’m OK, he’s not,” then you are asking for him to resent you. If you remind yourself, “he loves me and wants to see me happy, and I am the same for him, so how can we cooperate” then you will help get past the blaming and hurt, and be able to get right to the issues – if there even still is one after you make the decision that, summarized, is “I’m OK, you’re OK.”

Alan
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I think your approach was excellent and matched the approach I used. It helped me to put things into his perspective. Thanks!
 
trailblazer said:
There are 2 books that I have heard great things about for women who truly want good marriages and to understand their husband.
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Thanks for the resources. I’ll check into them.
 
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AuntMartha:
It’s so funny, because that letter sounds like it’s describing me. For one eerie moment while I was reading it, I thought someone was trying to tell me something!
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Yes, our husbands seem to be growing wiser. They realize if they want to tell us something, they need to post it on Catholic Answers Forums.🙂
Lots of good advice here. I’ll add a bit too. Not that I’m as good at housekeeping as my husband likes…I was better before I found these forums.:o
Housekeeping: Your husband’s standards may not be as high as you fear they are. My husband has a very different definition of “clean” than I do. I think clean means completely vaccumed, dusted, and sanitized. His definition means there’s not stuff on the floor. I can spend the whole day “cleaning” the house by my definition, but if the kids put toys on the floor right before he walks in, he won’t see a clean house. So I spend a few minutes before he’s expected home and tidy up the clutter.
Books: Do you have enough bookshelves? Some inexpensive tall bookshelves, (maybe ones with doors) limits the appearance of clutter. We keep most of our homeschooling books on a bookshelf in a closet and we put them away when we’re done for the day.
Clothing: Storing out of season and hand-me-down clothes takes lots of room and organizational energy. Before you store them, make sure you want your children to wear them again. Keep the cute stuff, but get rid of items with holes and stains. Be picky and limit amount of clothes your children have. It’s less work and they’ll look cuter.
 
gardenswithkids said:
Housekeeping:
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Your husband’s standards may not be as high as you fear they are. My husband has a very different definition of “clean” than I do. I think clean means completely vaccumed, dusted, and sanitized. His definition means there’s not stuff on the floor.

That’s not the case here. I’m willing to put up with clutter & an swept floor to the extent that it doesn’t bother my husband. I try to meet his standards but feel ill equipped; I try, but it only lasts for a few weeks.
Books:
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Do you have enough bookshelves?

Definately not; we’ve talked about getting more bookshelves or installing some.
Clothing
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: Be picky and limit amount of clothes your children have. It’s less work and they’ll look cuter

Great advice; I like to plan for the “just in case” scenario. The only problem with that is that there can be an infinate amount of “what ifs”.
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GregoryPalamas:
Is there a way to sit down with your husband and talk through these alternatives? Such a discussion would show that you are doing your best to find creative ways to solve your families problems. It also includes him in the life of the home.

Dan L
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You have a good point here. We’ll set some time aside for a discussion.
 
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Jay74:
Fortunately, as a wife, you most likely have more influence over your husband than you realize. The key to influencing a husband is respect (not all, many are jerks, but I can’t make that assumption about him). Respect is to a man what love and affection is to a woman.

My point? He may not realize all you done. Prioritize what you need to do during the day, and do what you can. If he’s annoyed about something not being done, let him know what you did do. Tell him that it took 5-6 hours of your day to get through homeschooling, vaccuming and dusting took another 2 hours, you spent an hour preparing supper before he got home, you had to ____, and ____, etc.

Neither one of you is superior here. He’s working hard, and you should appreciate that. However, you’re working hard too–make sure he knows it. You can’t make him appreciate it, but you can make sure he knows it.

I hope this helps.
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Thanks Jay 74. Here’s my next question. It’s easy to say, “I appreciate all you do”. These are words I use frequently. However, what would be a good way to show I appreciate what he does?
 
I’ll keep my responce short. First give him spacific complaiments. Second the Five Love Languages refered to above, might help you understand more what you could do. And Lastly, when you have a discussion about your problems, let him know what he can do and what you can do for him. Also discuss his problems. Just keep in mind the goals you share. Let him know that your goals are his goals & his are yours and you couldn’t do it with out him.
 
Friend:

As long as you’re trying the best you can (and it is SO hard with young kids) --just tell him you’re doing the best you can. If you’re being slovenly (you know deep in your heart if you are) then just try to do better. I know for me, sometimes I really want to be a better wife in the domestic area, but then I know I can tend to be really lazy, and just be on the computer too much, and read all day, doing no work. Then I feel bad for doing this.

You could also ask him “honey”…can you help me do the such and such?

God Bless~~
 
I have heard that there is a site called FLYLADY for organizing/cleaning. I haven’t visited it myself, but I’ve read (on another board) some really good things about it. Maybe it’s worth a look.

Peace,
Linda
 
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