Opinions needed

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I actually agree with everyone here. It’s not appropriate for him to live with this woman, even if it’s totally platonic. He’s putting himself in real danger and causing scandal. $400 a month really doesn’t seem worth a great marriage. While I think a friendship is totaly fine, there has to be boundaries. I had to learn this as all my friends are male (save for 2, and I don’t see them that often) and I found out 2 weeks before my wedding that they all would define me as “Hot, and I’d go for her if she wasn’t engaged.” so you can see even though our relationship is completely platonic if I was too close to them with the sexual attraction already there (on their end), it could get out of hand.

Just know, it’s not that he’s a bad guy, or she’s bad. It’s that we’re all human and easily given to temptation. It’s better to avoid at all costs. I don’t think you see anyone say “Yeah I cheated on you. I don’t care, I had it planned and I knew exactly what I was doing.” It’s usuall “I don’t know what happened! It just did!” If anything your husband is a very very awesome man who obviously puts your first for telling you all of this, and that’s why I know if you tell him you aren’t comfortable, I’m sure he’d do everything he could to make it right. 😃
 
Bad, Bad, BAD idea. He HAS to move out. It should never have been considered in the first place.
 
This is a horribly, horribly dangerous situation. If it isn’t already too late, he needs to get the heck out of that woman’s house and get back home with you and the kids. Sell the house and move into an apartment if you have to. Switch to public school. Live on beans and rice if need be. But preserve the family!

What is happening, if it continues, will lead to the destruction of the marriage. The children will not appreciate a nice house or a private education if their father is gone, and it sounds like he’s been gone for a while already. More than any thing on earth, they need a daddy. And more than you and your husband need an extra $400 a month, you need to save your marriage!

A huge red flag that I see is this: that when you share your concerns with your husband, he reminds you how much extra money he’s making, and then you feel guilty. As long as he can keep you in the cycle of guilt, he can continue to live as a coed bachelor in another city. Doesn’t he miss you? Doesn’t he miss his children? Has he no concern for the scandal he is creating by cohabiting in a home with a woman who is not his wife, while his true wife lives far away with his children? Why does he carry a glamour pic of this woman around with him?

He needs to get out of there YESTERDAY!!!
 
I think you knew this didn’t make any sense before you typed a single word. There are a thousand ways to attack your financial challanges…the last one on the list is to have your husband rooming with another woman in another town. He needs to be up and outta there yesterday, and the more he resists, the more you insist.
 
Thank you for all the advice 😃 I feel better now insisting things change, I am not sure how we will pull it off though.
There really are no jobs in this area he is qualified for and that pay enough to pay our bills, even if we take the kids out of the parish school, but I am praying that something comes up.
Moving isn’t an option, not only would we loose money, but I will be done with a degree in June of next year. I am guarenteed to find a decent job when I am through, and if he were here to help with the house and 4 kids, I could get a part time job to help.
I am disappointed really in some bad choices he made that rather got us into this boat, but don’t want to harp or nag him about them, I know he feels bad enough, but I just can’t stand the thought of him living in the same house with her, especially after the gifts and the picture. He did toss the photo when I complained, but tried to make me feel bad about it, saying that one day her would never see her again and she just gave it to him and he thought it would be nice to remember her by. He refused to even listen to my complaints about the gifts, saying she just wanted to be nice. These were not dollar store gifts, but expensive gifts. And I hate calling him hearing that her and him went to a parade and then dinner at her friends house, it seems so like a couple to me 🤷
I will keep praying, and hope others will add thier prayers that this can change and we can be a family again as we are meant to be.
 
mommamia said:
Thank you for all the advice 😃 I feel better now insisting things change, I am not sure how we will pull it off though.
There really are no jobs in this area he is qualified for and that pay enough to pay our bills, even if we take the kids out of the parish school, but I am praying that something comes up.
Moving isn’t an option, not only would we loose money, but I will be done with a degree in June of next year. I am guarenteed to find a decent job when I am through, and if he were here to help with the house and 4 kids, I could get a part time job to help.
I am disappointed really in some bad choices he made that rather got us into this boat, but don’t want to harp or nag him about them, I know he feels bad enough, but I just can’t stand the thought of him living in the same house with her, especially after the gifts and the picture. He did toss the photo when I complained, but tried to make me feel bad about it, saying that one day her would never see her again and she just gave it to him and he thought it would be nice to remember her by. He refused to even listen to my complaints about the gifts, saying she just wanted to be nice. These were not dollar store gifts, but expensive gifts. And I hate calling him hearing that her and him went to a parade and then dinner at her friends house, it seems so like a couple to me 🤷
I will keep praying, and hope others will add thier prayers that this can change and we can be a family again as we are meant to be.
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These are all red flags, I’m afraid, and the longer the situation continues, the longer it is likely to continue, and the more serious it is likely to get. If he has to work two jobs when he gets home, doing anything from sacking groceries to cutting lawns, it’s still far better than the risk of adultery and divorce.

There is a well-reputed Christian financial advisor named Dave Ramsey, who wrote *The Total Money Makeover. *Since finances are tight, and likely to be tighter, I strongly encourage you to read what he has to say about eliminating debt and how not to make bad financial decisions. But I’m afraid at this point the money is only one of two problems, and it’s not the larger one. The day your husband moved into a strange woman’s house, your marriage went into trouble. By God’s grace you can navigate these dangerous waters and get out intact, but *every single night counts. *

Blessed Mother, pray for us!
 
This sounds more serious than I even initially thought. He sounds defensive - not a good sign. Can you rent out your house and transfer to a university near where he is working? Even if you have the kids in public school and live in an apartment, temporarily, it would be better for your family and marriage. I will keep you in my prayers.

Blessings!
 
Going out to dinner together, watching movies, going to friend’s houses together sounds like they already are a couple to me. I am not saying they are a couple, but those are the things couples do together, not house mates. I am so surprised that you have been comfortable about this thus far.
You said it wasn’t a problem to you but to your friends. I think your friends and in laws are seeing something that you refuse to see. I would be on a plane today, or whatever means of transport it takes to get me to his side. This woman is moving in on your husband and your husband is being naiive to continue this friendship which is totally wrong and innappropriate.
They are doing things together and sharing things that couples do and share.
And when he’s defending his actions and not considering your feelings, I would suspect that there is more than just friendship involved, most certainly on her part, if not his as well. ( I am not saying they have gone as far as a physical relationship, but there is certainly an emotional one going on.)
You only need to be on these forums for a few months to read about how affairs start and how much they ‘love their wife/husband’ but just can’t help their feelings for this other person. No marriage, no matter how good, is immune to this when they are thrust into a situation like this.
You need to change it today, do whatever you have to do.
I will pray for you. God bless
 
I am quite sure OP does not want to hear my opinion, but since you ask, your husband has left you and is living with another woman. as Dear Abby would say, wake up and smell the coffee. the whole “job” thing is the excuse, not the reason
 
Unless you have an iorn clad contract signed and in your hand, you are not guaranteed a good job when you get that paper.

It really does sound as if you are in denial - your husband CAN work two jobs in your town, do you have a WalMart and a pizza place? You CAN take a semester out of school and get a job on an opposite shift from your husband, if that is what it takes to save your marriage.

You an sell your house for exactly what you owe against it, not make a penny, and rent a small place to live in as a family.

DH and I have been geographically separated due to jobs, but, it was temporaray (he was actively seeking a job in the new town and living with his grandmother in the mean time) and had a set time limit (if he did not find a job in three months time, he would move anyway and work at McDonalds or a C-store til he could find something else).
 
kage_ar said:
Sell the house at a loss if you must.

Quit the job if he must.

Call his Parish and ask if there is some family in the Parish who will rent him a room.

To destroy a marriage over a job or over equity or private school tuition is not wise.

Better to live in a 2 room apartment than to destroy your marriage.

Prayers for you!
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Liberanosamalo said:
All this for… money? What profiteth a man if he gains the whole world, yet suffers the loss of his immoral soul?

Saving $400 a month? You’ll have to spend that for two hours of a divorce attorney’s time. Talk about penny wise and pound foolish!
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Are you REALLY going to let you CHILDREN’S lives fall apart for a few bucks? :confused: Is that really all the more you care for them–that money is more important than keeping them in an intact family? Are you so greedy that you will rent out your husband’s ‘services’ to this woman for money? Are you his pimp now? That’s what it sounds like. You better read this thread over and over honey. There’s a lot of common sense here, but it’s not in your posts. You are ASKING for a divorce–you may as well call a lawyer with all that money you’re ‘saving’. :rolleyes:
 
I have to agree-- it stops now and you reunite as a family. Period.

These types of things never end well. Do not remain in different cities. There is something really wrong in this scenario. The more we learn the more urgent it is you act.
 
mommamia said:
Thank you for all the advice 😃 I feel better now insisting things change, I am not sure how we will pull it off though.
There really are no jobs in this area he is qualified for and that pay enough to pay our bills, even if we take the kids out of the parish school, but I am praying that something comes up.
Moving isn’t an option, not only would we loose money, but I will be done with a degree in June of next year. I am guarenteed to find a decent job when I am through, and if he were here to help with the house and 4 kids, I could get a part time job to help.
I am disappointed really in some bad choices he made that rather got us into this boat, but don’t want to harp or nag him about them, I know he feels bad enough, but I just can’t stand the thought of him living in the same house with her, especially after the gifts and the picture. He did toss the photo when I complained, but tried to make me feel bad about it, saying that one day her would never see her again and she just gave it to him and he thought it would be nice to remember her by. He refused to even listen to my complaints about the gifts, saying she just wanted to be nice. These were not dollar store gifts, but expensive gifts. And I hate calling him hearing that her and him went to a parade and then dinner at her friends house, it seems so like a couple to me 🤷
I will keep praying, and hope others will add thier prayers that this can change and we can be a family again as we are meant to be.
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Your choice at this point. However, if I were you, as you did ask, I would at least talk with a good attorney at this point. This woman is attempting to buy your kids, and you are helping her buy their father.
 
joeybaggz said:
He’s carrying around a glamorous photo of her?? I imagine in his wallet???

Up to that statement I was willing to maybe give him the benefit of the doubt. No more.

Wake up and smell the coffee !!!
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Honestly - do we all carry photos of just friends in our wallets and purses?
Or only loved ones?

And for the OP - does he have a picture of YOU in his wallet?
You need to demand that he quit his job and move home.
This is too damaging.
 
I agree with everything posted here…and that photo thing really threw me for a loop, too. My husband doesn’t carry any pictures of his “friends”…only pictures of his wife and kids…when we were courting, he also carried my picture. I’m afraid that is a huge, flashing red light! I think your friends and family are right. Not only do I think he needs to move out of her house, I don’t think he needs to be alone in the same town with her. It is NEVER appropriate for a man to for an emotional bond with a woman other than his wife. She’s probably a lonely woman.

I’m worried your husband will put up a fight about breaking off the relationship he has with her…which is what needs to happen. No matter how “innocently”…they have taken it too far. So, he’ll have to live for a while without friends? It won’t kill him …or end his marriage, like continuing this “friendship” could.
 
When I was living in another state from my pregnant wife and 3 children there is NO WAY on God’s green earth I would have thought to live with another woman alone in her house. When we were planning on moving to the new state we had to sell our house first and then move, in the mean time I was living in the other state. Before moving there (by myself) I had to find a place to live relatively cheap. After talking with several people at work, I did get some “boyfriend/girlfriend” living arrangements offer me a place to stay, divorced ladies, even a very nice Catholic couple that had an older daughter living at home offer me a place to stay. At first I thought the latter would be fine, however, after reflecting on how my wife said it would make her uncomfortable, I realized that (while it would have cost me virtually nothing to stay at this house) no matter how great it would have been, it would have caused too many problems and that is not fair to her or to my children.

There is no way that this should be going on. Two become one flesh right? When one is hurting the other is hurting. When one is happy the other is as well.

Whether or not he has gained your trust in 15 years and promises to put video cameras in her house so that you can see them, it is still a near occasion of sin and does not need to continue. God comes first in our lives and then family. I seem to think that money is not even on that list. Time for him to grow back up, become a father and a husband again, and get home with his wife and his children.

There was only so much living in a seperate state that I could take until I had to get back.
 
We had a long talk today, and I sent him some of the kinder posts.
He is definantly planning on coming home in the next two weeks. And he has agreed to leave her place. He decided since he was only going to stay 2 more weeks (he feels he has to finish the job they just started) that he would just sleep in the back of the truck and shower at the boss’s place. Thus saving us the money. And the money is an issue, its not like we have credit card debt or new cars, its like I just applied for food stamps bad right now. And it wouldn’t just be losing profit on the house, I really don’t think we could make enough to pay off the loan. We did talk to a realtor about it. I am not into expensive things. Before we settled down here, we and our children did missionary work both here in America and also in Africa. I know about doing without. But, I have to keep the electricity and water turned on, or face loosing my kids and everything else. I don’t mind food stamps, or food banks. Also after traveling for so long, our children are really enjoying a steady home, its not fancy, and its not the nicest, but it is near to family and friends, and money is not a good enough reason for us to take them away from it.

When I finally just opened up and told him how hurt I was he said it was like being hit by a ton of bricks, and agreed if I was that unhappy he should leave her place immediately. Also the posts that were written in kindness really opened his eyes to all the possible problems he could be facing, and helped him to understand that I found it not only hurtful, but embarrassing. Some of it never occured to him. But the most important thing is that he now realises that no matter how close and wonderful our family has been, his being gone is destroying that. And that moving in with a guy isn’t going to help that much, he understands now that he needs to be home with us. He is always so adamant that I shouldn’t have to work while I am in school. But I have tried to explain that I can work like most college students. I know many single mom, full time job holding, full time students. If they can do it, so can I. But not if he isn’t here to help with childcare and housework and homework.

And yes, I think when I wrote this I knew I was hitting my threshold, I just can’t get over feeling jealous and hurt anymore. I don’t even care that its not physical, I want to be the only “we” in his life. But so many of my friends are somewhat anti-marriage and men, that I needed to hear it from someone who understood the sanctity with which I hold our marriage vows.

A big THANK YOU to all who took the time to reply without being hurtful and mean.
 
I am so relieved to hear that your husband understood and will be coming back home. You are right about being able to go to college and work. At the college where I work the majority of students work to pay their way through school. You might want to see what positions are available at the college that you attend. Most colleges will not only pay for some of your tution if you are a staff member, they will also let you take a class during your work hours and are very flexible with schedules.
 
mommamia said:
When I finally just opened up and told him how hurt I was he said it was like being hit by a ton of bricks, and agreed if I was that unhappy he should leave her place immediately. Also the posts that were written in kindness really opened his eyes to all the possible problems he could be facing, and helped him to understand that I found it not only hurtful, but embarrassing. Some of it never occured to him. But the most important thing is that he now realises that no matter how close and wonderful our family has been, his being gone is destroying that…
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**This is wonderful news!!! I pray that your family is reunited very soon and that your financial stress eases up.

Just remember, wife/husband mother/father are the roles that need to be fulfilled before all else. Those are the only ones God will care about… not what job/college/house/car…etc

Malia
**
 
I’m glad to hear he’s coming home.

I’m sorry if you thought some posts were mean and hurtful, but sometimes people need to really hear the unvarnished truth. And it takes a lot more guts, and a lot more caring, to tell the truth than it does to sugar-coat.
 
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