Opinions on this situation?

[pamnbam]

My husband has never really liked my mother. She can be overprotective, is a worrier, and tends to speak her mind, even if it’s not always kosher.

We moved 12 hours away, mostly for a better cost of living and to live in a city renowned for being a great city to raise kids. My husband admitted that he didn’t want to be close to my parents or his, for that matter…but our parents do visit a few times a year.

So I’m having an outpatient abdominal surgery in a few weeks. I had a similar surgery last year, which put me in bed for about 2 weeks. Although she din’t come last year, my mom has mentioned she’d like to come and help out around the house while I recover this time around. I agreed to it, on the condition she doesn’t baby me.

But I mentioned it to my husband, and he is upset that I didn’t talk with him about it first. I’m sorry, but I didn’t think that I needed permission to have my own mother visit while I’m recovering from surgery. He doesn’t want to have to come home from work, sitting around and making small talk with her.

I’m not a fan of his mother, either, but I can be mature enough to be tolerant when she visits. I never tell him when his mother can/can’t visit, etc. Am I crazy for thinking he’s off his rocker for getting upset over this? I mean, I’m having surgery, for goodness’ sake! Is this worth him being upset over?

 

[Anglewannabe]

With all due respect, I agree with Monicad. This isn’t your mom coming over for a few hours, it is her staying in your home for a few weeks. This means after a long days work your husband will not be as free to just zone out and relax. It means in the morning when he is rushing to get ready for work, she is in the way.

I think the ‘wrong’ committed is not discussing with him first. You didn’t even give him a chance to brainstorm solutions. For all we know, he might have been more than happy to hire domestic help to help you after the surgery.

IMO, you should promise him that in the future, you will always consult with him first.

Angie

 

[pamnbam]

Thanks! I think I understand what you’re saying. My problem is, though, no matter how I would frame it, is that he wouldn’t want her here for a week even if I did. Because he doesn’t like her he will make a reason why she she should only stay a few days, regardless of if I would have liked her longer.

Maybe we just have different expectations. I’ve always told my parents they could visit whenever they liked, I.e., I have nothing to hide by moving away from them. I expected the same for his parents…I guess I should go apologize. But then what? The damage has been done. If I tell my mom she can’t stay as long after all, she’ll say my husband is controlling me into that decision. If I let her stay, my husband’s mad. Any ideas?

 

[Xantippe]

“But I mentioned it to my husband, and he is upset that I didn’t talk with him about it first. I’m sorry, but I didn’t think that I needed permission to have my own mother visit while I’m recovering from surgery. He doesn’t want to have to come home from work, sitting around and making small talk with her.”

That’s very understandable, just as it’s very understandable that you would like some help and company after recovering from surgery.

“Thanks! I think I understand what you’re saying. My problem is, though, no matter how I would frame it, is that he wouldn’t want her here for a week even if I did. Because he doesn’t like her he will make a reason why she she should only stay a few days, regardless of if I would have liked her longer.”

That makes it pretty bad that you invited her for a couple of weeks, doesn’t it? Because you already know how he feels and you went ahead with the invitation anyway.

“Maybe we just have different expectations. I’ve always told my parents they could visit whenever they liked, I.e., I have nothing to hide by moving away from them. I expected the same for his parents…I guess I should go apologize. But then what? The damage has been done. If I tell my mom she can’t stay as long after all, she’ll say my husband is controlling me into that decision. If I let her stay, my husband’s mad. Any ideas?”

Decide how long you’ll need help after your surgery, price out domestic assistance, and then present those numbers to your husband. Tell him you need that much help and ask him how much paid help you can afford. Have him decide what sort of split to allot between paid help and mom help. And then tell your mom.

 

[Rence]

My husband has never really liked my mother. She can be overprotective, is a worrier, and tends to speak her mind, even if it’s not always kosher.

We moved 12 hours away, mostly for a better cost of living and to live in a city renowned for being a great city to raise kids. My husband admitted that he didn’t want to be close to my parents or his, for that matter…but our parents do visit a few times a year.

So I’m having an outpatient abdominal surgery in a few weeks. I had a similar surgery last year, which put me in bed for about 2 weeks. Although she din’t come last year, my mom has mentioned she’d like to come and help out around the house while I recover this time around. I agreed to it, on the condition she doesn’t baby me.

But I mentioned it to my husband, and he is upset that I didn’t talk with him about it first. I’m sorry, but I didn’t think that I needed permission to have my own mother visit while I’m recovering from surgery. He doesn’t want to have to come home from work, sitting around and making small talk with her.

I’m not a fan of his mother, either, but I can be mature enough to be tolerant when she visits. I never tell him when his mother can/can’t visit, etc. Am I crazy for thinking he’s off his rocker for getting upset over this? I mean, I’m having surgery, for goodness’ sake! Is this worth him being upset over?

I think he needs to buck up and deal with it. YOU are the one having surgery. HE is going to be at work, while YOU will be alone. IMOHO, he’s being a tad selfish and needs to learn to compromise. It’s only for a few weeks while you recover from your procedure. I get that he doesn’t like her. But when a family member is ill, the focus should be on caring for the ill family member, not about petty selfishness. “He doesn’t want to have to come home from work, sitting around and making small talk with her” is not very considerate of your situation. You need your mom right now. It’s wrong for him to try and keep you from her. If he can’t deal with it, I’d consider having the procedure in a hospital near your hometown and stay with your mom for the few weeks. You’ll probably recuperate better anyway.

 

[Evania]

I think he needs to buck up and deal with it. YOU are the one having surgery. HE is going to be at work, while YOU will be alone. IMOHO, he’s being a tad selfish and needs to learn to compromise. It’s only for a few weeks while you recover from your procedure. I get that he doesn’t like her. But when a family member is ill, the focus should be on caring for the ill family member, not about petty selfishness. “He doesn’t want to have to come home from work, sitting around and making small talk with her” is not very considerate of your situation. You need your mom right now. It’s wrong for him to try and keep you from her. If he can’t deal with it, I’d consider having the procedure in a hospital near your hometown and stay with your mom for the few weeks. You’ll probably recuperate better anyway.

I agree with this. Yes, I think that you still should have talked it over with your husband first though.

I want to add that this might be a great opportunity for healing in more ways than one if your husband and mother allow it. Since you don’t live that close anymore, it could be beneficial for your mother and husband to attempt some sort of reconciliation. I think it is very sweet of your mom to help you out, and although I understand that your husband doesn’t want to deal with your mom, at the end of the day she’s helping him out too. He doesn’t have to take time off work to help you, or double his workload at home. Life is too short for petty quarrels. We have our parents for such a short time. I say make the most of it, and hopefully a lot of healing can take place in your relationship.

 

[Country_Gal]

I agree, get in the habit of saying you need to check with your husband.

You mother sounds obnoxious and irritating. And, if his mom is the same, then do draw some boundaries for her too. But don’t think say "I put up with your mom, you need to put up with mine "

 

[Father_of_10]

You could always say, “Honey, you were right, I have told Mom not to come. The private duty nurse will be here during the times you are at work and shouldn’t be underfoot when you are home. By the way the billable rate for the nurse is $75/hour do you think the insurance will cover it?”

 

[underacloud]

I agree with the prevailing view that you should have discussed this first. As for what to do now, I’d say apologise that you didn’t discuss it, and then have an open discussion about it.

ie Communicate.

Start by acknowledging that you were wrong not to discuss it first and try to agree on how you will approach such things in the future, regarding either side of the family. Then move on to your concerns about the post-op recovery, and how it would be a great help to you if your mum was able to stay for a while to help you through it. By apologising first you will disarm your husband and he will be mroe receptive to this idea. The two of you may need to find some reasonable compromise, which is best acheived through calm discussion.

My MIL and FIL often stay (one or both) at our place overnight and it doesn’t bother me. They help out a lot with the kids so I’d be very unkind to complain. But I would expect to be told about and discuss any lengthy stays. It’s basic courtesy if nothing else.

 

[pamnbam]

On the side: I noticed in your post you wrote you always told your parents they could visit whenever they liked you have nothing to hide. Pardon me that just really struck me as rather odd, was this also your husband’s idea? You seem to offer invitations to your parents separately from him, better to operate as a united front. “I’ll have to check with John first” is a great habit to get into and people generally respect that and if they don’t clearly they have a problem.

The reason I say that is because my mom tends to say and ask me things like “is your husband controlling?” “He sounds like he’s controlling!” I only say “nothing to hide” so she can see that he is entitled to his opinion as my husband, and that he is not controlling at all. My husband and I usually make decisions together. She doesn’t seem to believe me otherwise, even with no proof.

I think he needs to buck up and deal with it. YOU are the one having surgery. HE is going to be at work, while YOU will be alone. IMOHO, he’s being a tad selfish and needs to learn to compromise. It’s only for a few weeks while you recover from your procedure. I get that he doesn’t like her. But when a family member is ill, the focus should be on caring for the ill family member, not about petty selfishness. “He doesn’t want to have to come home from work, sitting around and making small talk with her” is not very considerate of your situation. You need your mom right now. It’s wrong for him to try and keep you from her.

This was my first thought. It’s not like she’s just coming for a leisurely visit. There is a reason behind her coming to visit; a serious and legitimate one, I thought.

Since you don’t live that close anymore, it could be beneficial for your mother and husband to attempt some sort of reconciliation. I think it is very sweet of your mom to help you out, and although I understand that your husband doesn’t want to deal with your mom, at the end of the day she’s helping him out too. He doesn’t have to take time off work to help you, or double his workload at home. Life is too short for petty quarrels. We have our parents for such a short time. I say make the most of it, and hopefully a lot of healing can take place in your relationship.

It would be wonderful for them to reconcile! But my mom has dug a deep hole over the years, and although she is sorry about the past, my husband takes long to forgive. It doesnt help that she regresses into her old accusatory (and controlling) ways at times. He’d rather just not deal with her. I just don’t think it will happen anytime soon…

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You seem to be very confused about where your loyalties should lie. It is definitely time to cut the cord with mom. You and your mother do not make decisions about anything, much less extended visits and then inform your husband. You and your husband make those decisions together and then inform your mom. You do not let your mom visit anytime to prove that you have “nothing to hide” and that your husband isn’t controlling. You put your foot down and tell her that you are done having this conversation and that you will not hear anything more against your husband and that you are done defending your family. Should she continue you get off the phone.

You manipulated this situation. You didn’t talk to your husband because you knew he wouldn’t like it. He does get equal say in who visits, period. I get that you’re having surgery and that you will need some help, however, and I’m not trying to minimize the procedure, it is still an outpatient surgery. I may be a little more understanding if it was major surgery with an extended hospital stay and weeks of recovery followed by physical therapy. But even then I would say that you needed to talk to your husband.

You need to sit down with him and apologize. Sincerely. Don’t apologize hoping to get what you want, but apologize because you were wrong. Then go over what your doctor said about what help you will need and for how long, then figure out how to get it together. That means that maybe your mom comes down the day of surgery and the day after, and then flies home and you get the rest of the help you need from your husband, friends and/or neighbors, and if it’s really that bad some kind of in-home care. There is no reason to expect that your husband would be, or even should be, ok with a woman who has shown him great disrespect staying in his home for two weeks. If she really needs to come down for longer than a day or two then you need to talk seriously about having her stay in a hotel.

Having a spouse go through surgery is stressful. He deserves to have his life made a bit easier too.

 

[Musician]

You could always say, “Honey, you were right, I have told Mom not to come. The private duty nurse will be here during the times you are at work and shouldn’t be underfoot when you are home. By the way the billable rate for the nurse is $75/hour do you think the insurance will cover it?”

This.
My husband doesn’t care for my mom either but she’s been there to help with two surgeries I had. I think he is being ridiculous.

 

[Evania]

You seem to be very confused about where your loyalties should lie. It is definitely time to cut the cord with mom. You and your mother do not make decisions about anything, much less extended visits and then inform your husband. You and your husband make those decisions together and then inform your mom. You do not let your mom visit anytime to prove that you have “nothing to hide” and that your husband isn’t controlling. You put your foot down and tell her that you are done having this conversation and that you will not hear anything more against your husband and that you are done defending your family. Should she continue you get off the phone.

You manipulated this situation. You didn’t talk to your husband because you knew he wouldn’t like it. He does get equal say in who visits, period. I get that you’re having surgery and that you will need some help, however, and I’m not trying to minimize the procedure, it is still an outpatient surgery. I may be a little more understanding if it was major surgery with an extended hospital stay and weeks of recovery followed by physical therapy. But even then I would say that you needed to talk to your husband.

You need to sit down with him and apologize. Sincerely. Don’t apologize hoping to get what you want, but apologize because you were wrong. Then go over what your doctor said about what help you will need and for how long, then figure out how to get it together. That means that maybe your mom comes down the day of surgery and the day after, and then flies home and you get the rest of the help you need from your husband, friends and/or neighbors, and if it’s really that bad some kind of in-home care. There is no reason to expect that your husband would be, or even should be, ok with a woman who has shown him great disrespect staying in his home for two weeks. If she really needs to come down for longer than a day or two then you need to talk seriously about having her stay in a hotel.

Having a spouse go through surgery is stressful. He deserves to have his life made a bit easier too.

I agree with some of this statement. However, I think it is wrong to say that the OP “manipulated” this situation. I don’t think she has her loyalties confused. Maybe it’s as simple as she loves her mom and doesn’t see her as often since she lives 12 hours away. True, she should have talked to her husband first, she even admitted that. I don’t think the OP was being manipulative in wanting her mother to care for her while her husband was at work. Not everyone can afford a private nurse, and not everyone knows their new neighbors well enough after moving to feel comfortable to ask them for help. I think the mother was kind to offer. Maybe the mother’s motive is out of love. It sounds like the mother wants to make amends with the husband, but he is slow to forgive and rather not deal with her. Yes, the OP should have asked, but I don’t think it is unreasonable for a mother to help out her daughter especially if you don’t see her often. Sometimes forgiveness is key. To the OP: I’m praying that your husband forgives your mother so you won’t feel torn by situations such as this one in the future. I wish you the best!

 

[EasterJoy]

You don’t invite houseguests, any houseguests, to stay for 2 weeks without agreeing about it with your spouse before issuing the invitation, but particularly not when you won’t be able to do the hosting duties yourself. If you do that, you owe your spouse big time. All you had to do was say, “Well, that is a very generous offer, Mom! Let me think about that, and I’ll get back to you.”

Any chance you can tolerate the trip to fly down to be with your parents for 2 weeks? Your husband can make your house run, there will be no tension between your husband and your mom, and you’ll really get some rest.

BTW, my husband ran the house for over 2 months before and after my surgery. To have my mother there would have just given him one more stress to concern himself with, and that would be true no matter how much housework she did.

Besides, did it ever occur to you that your husband wanted to be the one to take care of you, and you just handed that off as if he wasn’t capable of doing it? You made your decision as if you lived alone, as if having him to look after you was essentially the same as having no one to look after you. Put yourself in his shoes, and you might see what I mean.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I think he needs to buck up and deal with it. YOU are the one having surgery. HE is going to be at work, while YOU will be alone. IMOHO, he’s being a tad selfish and needs to learn to compromise. It’s only for a few weeks while you recover from your procedure. I get that he doesn’t like her. But when a family member is ill, the focus should be on caring for the ill family member, not about petty selfishness. “He doesn’t want to have to come home from work, sitting around and making small talk with her” is not very considerate of your situation. You need your mom right now. It’s wrong for him to try and keep you from her. If he can’t deal with it, I’d consider having the procedure in a hospital near your hometown and stay with your mom for the few weeks. You’ll probably recuperate better anyway.

I tend to agree. She didn’t invite the mom just to come for a vacation. She’ll be bedridden for 2 weeks.

 

[Rau]

I imagine the mom made the suggestion in a phone call to come and stay. Clearly, the wife can’t say, “I’ll call you back after I speak to my husband”. Her options were to say, “gee, thanks mom”, OR, to attempt to dissuade the mom, subsequently speak with husband, and change her mind later if hubbie was ok with it.

I could well understand if the wife didn’t think quick enough on her feet and just said “gee thanks mom”.

Having said that, the hubbie would be be helping his wife a great deal by going along with the arrangement. Hopefully he can get past his present irritation.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I imagine the mom made the suggestion in a phone call to come and stay. Clearly, the wife can’t say, “I’ll call you back after I speak to my husband”. Her options were to say, “gee, thanks mom”, OR, to attempt to dissuade the mom, subsequently speak with husband, and change her mind later if hubbie was ok with it.

I could well understand if the wife didn’t think quick enough on her feet and just said “gee thanks mom”.

Having said that, the hubbie would be be helping his wife a great deal by going along with the arrangement. Hopefully he can get past his present irritation.

Not only can she say that she has a responsibility to do so. Whenever my mom wants to visit I always tell her that I’ll have to talk to my husband and we’ll figure out what works. He does the same with his mom.

Once again a spouse ALWAYS comes before parents.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Maybe we just have different expectations. I’ve always told my parents they could visit whenever they liked, I.e., I have nothing to hide by moving away from them. I expected the same for his parents…

I think you hit the head on the nail. Some people have the attitude ‘My home is always open for relatives’ and others have the attitude ‘This is my personal space, don’t show up without an invitation which will come every 2-3 years’. Having lived in the same town as your family as newlyweds, this issue never came up. But now that you live far away from family, it has.

I do believe you need to have honest communication and be willing to compromise. Many have said your husband is being unreasonable (personally, I don’t think so), let’s pretend for argument sake your husband is wrong. If this is the only time he is wrong and you usually win the arguments, let him have this one. If YOU are always the one giving into him, then be a bit more persistent on this one. You can not look at this as an isolate incident, you need to look at the whole of your marriage

Now, as far as you husband not wanting to make small talk…perhaps some ground rules could be set before you more comes. For example, you may say ‘Mom, hubby likes to watch the news in silence from 6-7. As much as you are welcome, we have decided he gets the living room and TV to himself from 6-7. During that time, you are welcome to read in your room, soak in the tub or have tea with me in the dinning roobm but please respect that is hubby’s hour’. Of course this is just an example. But the underlying poing is you husband needs to feel he can still have his space while your mom is there

Angie

 

[pamnbam]

Thanks for even more replies! Maybe it’s just my mom/family, because if I told her I’d have to “talk to my husband” about any decision that concerns her, not just this one, she would find it odd that I couldn’t “make a decision” without my husband and that would be more fuel for her to say that he’s controlling. Even worse that the decision has to do with me seeing my own family by allowing her to visit.

It’s a no-win situation, and I constantly feel like I’m playing referee (not literally) but trying so hard to keep the peace when they’re together. It’s almost not worth the stress and frustration to have them together during my recovery. But if I back out now and tell my mom not to come, she’ll instantly blame my husband for changing my mind (whether he did or didn’t). He finds out how she feels and bam! Vicious cycle as well as Catch-22…

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You should probably tell your mother not to come at this point. It sounds as if it would give your husband much peace of mind, besides after reading your posts I don’t think your mother needs much to start attacking him anyway. The worst thing that will happen is she will give you an earful about him, in which case you politely end the conversation and it’s about time you did that. You should not expect your husband to put up with her for two weeks because you cannot stand up to her in a conversation, that’s not fair.

This is sad, I am very sorry for you. Your mom has convinced you that by showing your husband love and respect that you are allowing yourself to be controlled by him this false. It is not false to show respect for your spouse and give them a “heads up” about things.

Tell your mother you love her, tell your mother that you respect her, tell your mother you want to be a part of her life forever…however tell your mother you do not want to hear her insult your husband anymore, and if she does then you will politely END the conversation. Next time your mother calls your husband controlling tell her “mother I am sorry I have to end the conversation now, I love you talk to you later” and end the conversation. The result will be, well, she will probably think your husband is controlling you! However at least you will be proud of yourself for standing your ground and you will have some much deserved PEACE when speaking to her!

You cannot change your mother, all you can do is back away. And you are wrong by saying you are in the middle, you are not in the middle your loyalties are and should be with your husband. Unless your husband is a manipulative and vicious person that you should consider separation, divorce and annulment from then your loyalties lie with HIM. It is so hard I know, she raised you so you probably grew up with different ideas of right and wrong and loyalty and what controlling meant and how to treat people. From your short description of her your mother sounds pretty difficult. Please be assured of my prayers. God bless you.