Opp sex friendships and marriage

[Della]

I haven’t seen anyone in this thread suggestion that married couples can have no friendships with people of the opposite sex. Most of us have simply stated that people need to be careful about it–not eliminate such friendships. Why do people assume that advising people to be cautious equals the draconian idea that married couple can’t have friends of the opposite sex? I certainly didn’t advocate that position.

At my age, 67, I’m highly unlikely to have an affair. Apart from keeping my vows, loving my dh, etc. the very thought of such a relationship with another old geezer (other than my dh, of course ) makes me ill.

It’s more younger couples that need to use some common sense in such matters–not that older people can’t be stupid about such things, especially the men (sorry but it’s true–I’ve never seen an older man trade in his wife for a woman her age or older ).

For those who can have good close friendship with people of the opposite sex outside their marriages, that’s fine. It’s nothing to me if they do. Still, a bit of caution is called for simply because we are all fallen creatures who may find themselves in a situation never anticipated or even wanted. Being careful cannot hurt any friendship, if it’s a true friendship. Our first allegiance in any such human relationships is to our spouses. :yup:

 

[AdamP88]

I think it all depends on the definition of “friendship”. There is a difference between avoiding near occasions of sin, and the extreme idea that married people should never befriend or socialize with those of the opposite sex at all. That sounds more like something out of Sharia law than Christianity.

The OP stated that he “would imagine that a lot of time spent away from your spouse, cultivating a friendship with a member of the opposite sex, would gradually arouse emotions of jealousy in the best of people.”

Well, I don’t disagree with this, BUT I think do think it is possible to have social friendships without spending a “lot of time away from your spouse”.

**I should also point out that even same-sex friendships can be problematic if such friends are not friends of the marriage. **A rather stereotypical scenario, a husband constantly going to bars with his buddies after work, while the wife is stuck at home making dinner. Or a spouse who prioritizes networking with business contacts over the spouse. A spouse could feel jealous over such behavior even if no opposite sex people are involved at all.

I can also think of cases in which such “friends” actively sabotaged marriages, not by having affairs, but by constantly badmouthing the spouse, perhaps encouraging their friend to go clubbing, to bars, or even cheat on the spouse because “you deserve to be happy”.

So, does that mean married people should have no close friends at all, other than the spouse and perhaps close family members, to “protect the marriage”? I doubt this. Also, not all married couples have a “best friend” relationship, and that’s certainly not a pre-requisite for a valid marriage.

Of course, everyone should be careful. But this idea that “everyone is at risk of adultery if they have friends of the opposite sex”, I think is too simple. I also think some people are probably at greater risk of sexualizing such friendships than others.

Yes, sometimes opposite sex friendships turn into affairs. But there are also cases of married people having affairs with brother-in-laws or sister-in-laws. Does that mean that everyone should shun their opposite-sex in-laws and only socialize with in-laws of the same sex? How would that even be practical, unless one segregates all family social gatherings by sex.

Firstly, I’m not saying that married people should isolate themselves from members of the opposite sex. I’m debating the extent to which friendships with the opposite sex **might ** be a threat to chastity within marriage.

Yes, I completely agree that same sex friends could be a threat to a marriage as well but that’s irrelevant to this discussion.

Yes, you’re correct that your spouse doesn’t have to be your “best friend”. it’s not a prerequisite for a valid marriage. But it might help make a happy marriage.

I think we’re getting a bit carried away. We’re not talking about Sharia Law or isolating ourselves from all members of the opposite sex, just the extent to which a married person should exercise prudence in their relationships with members of the opposite sex.

 

[felsguy]

This morning after Mass I separately asked three married women who have been friends of mine for 20+ years whether they ever felt that our friendship posed a danger to chastity. Two of them actually laughed and the third said “you can’t be serious.”

 

[CJsmommy]

Most of my friends are guys. I feel more comfortable around them then I do my own gender. Do I ever feel like doing things that would break my marriage vows with them? Nope!

 

[Still_Hoping]

I voted it depends but leaning more towards yes. In my experience most men who become friendly and start to open up end up liking you for one reason or another and they are not just platonic feelings. One doesn’t have to be a model or superhero to be attractive. All you have to have is a connection that they haven’t experienced and there you have it…a near occasion to sin situation.

Even with best intentions to keep it platonic this situation can arise. There is no problem in entering a polite conversation with a coworker or friend or being there to help if needed. Certain topics are harmless and others not. Also, the amount of time you spend with that person matters too.

Your spouse should be the person to be sharing your personal stuff. If you don’t have that special relationship with your spouse then share it with a friend of the same sex (be it relative or not). That’s just my opinion and experience.