Opposite sex mentors

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mwncheesehead

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So I’m a male accountant and my supervisor is female. She has been a wonderful guide for me professionally over the past few years but is leaving her position for another job in the next state over. I have more or less seen her as my unofficial mentor, but am thinking of asking her to be my remote mentor on a more formal basis. She has many professional qualities I’d like to emulate. The only hesitancy I have is that I’m male, she’s a she. Are male-female professional mentorships an issue? They don’t have to be but I can see that potentially being sticky. Thanks.
 
If it hasn’t been a problem when you’ve been in the same place, it’s unlikely to become a problem when she’s not there anymore.
 
Thanks. I’d just been reading some things about the pitfalls of mixed gender mentorships, but some of that material came from very conservative reborn websites that frowned on the potential scandal of a female mentorship of a male.
 
mwncheesehead said:
So I’m a male accountant and my supervisor is female. She has been a wonderful guide for me professionally over the past few years but is leaving her position for another job in the next state over. I have more or less seen her as my unofficial mentor, but am thinking of asking her to be my remote mentor on a more formal basis. She has many professional qualities I’d like to emulate. The only hesitancy I have is that I’m male, she’s a she. Are male-female professional mentorships an issue? They don’t have to be but I can see that potentially being sticky. Thanks.
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As long as it is professional and not personal then you are just fine. The problem is when it happens outside of work. Does the company you work for have a mentorship program with guidelines? Most companies that have mentors, have guidelines. It is an HR imperative.

It concerns me that this is posted in “family life” are you married? That can actually play a part in this being appropriate or not.
 
Yes I’m married. But if my wife is aware of it and has complete access to any future correspondence, is there an issue? Btw, she is leaving the company entirely, and to my knowledge, there’s no company mentor program.
 
My mentor is female, but she is also a former Nun, and still very very active in the Catholic Church. She is also old enough to be my mother. Gender has never been an issue.
 
mwncheesehead said:
So I’m a male accountant and my supervisor is female. She has been a wonderful guide for me professionally over the past few years but is leaving her position for another job in the next state over. I have more or less seen her as my unofficial mentor, but am thinking of asking her to be my remote mentor on a more formal basis. She has many professional qualities I’d like to emulate. The only hesitancy I have is that I’m male, she’s a she. Are male-female professional mentorships an issue? They don’t have to be but I can see that potentially being sticky. Thanks.
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No, they are not an issue.

If you want more specific advice, I’m afraid you’ll need to provided a little more detail as to what is “sticky”.

PM me if you want.
 
mwncheesehead said:
So I’m a male accountant and my supervisor is female. She has been a wonderful guide for me professionally over the past few years but is leaving her position for another job in the next state over. I have more or less seen her as my unofficial mentor, but am thinking of asking her to be my remote mentor on a more formal basis. She has many professional qualities I’d like to emulate. The only hesitancy I have is that I’m male, she’s a she. Are male-female professional mentorships an issue? They don’t have to be but I can see that potentially being sticky. Thanks.
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There is simply no moral teaching regarding who may be a mentor. The church has not spoken on this issue, and it is entirely within your prudential judgement as to whether you wish to pursue such a mentorship.
 
If you conduct the relationship in a professional manner, it is unlikely that you will either cause scandal or expose yourself to a near occasion of sin. Do not indulge yourself in “the usual rules are not for us” thinking, and you ought to be fine.
 
👍
EasterJoy said:
If you conduct the relationship in a professional manner, it is unlikely that you will either cause scandal or expose yourself to a near occasion of sin. Do not indulge yourself in “the usual rules are not for us” thinking, and you ought to be fine.
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Yes. If the wife is comfortable and it is in a WORK capacity then that is just fine.
 
I am only aware of a mentorship program within companies. I do not know exactly what one outside of or unsanctioned by a company would consist of. Just a private agreement between colleagues to network? I guess you could clarify as to what the mentor-mentee relationship would consist of and to what end.
In my wife’s job she has a mentor, who she chooses but usually everyone chooses same sex mentors. Especially with women in business. My wife works for an extremely large company and so there is a developed mentor program. Usually they pair up same sex because it is more effective. honestly, I don’t even know if you can pair up opposite sex at my wife’s company. Perhaps you can, but I know that the mentor mentee relationship is only during work time and even a personal call at home would be a breach of what the company would like to see. I can see were it is valuable for networking or just support. But in the finance industry I would think it would only be valuable within the same company. Many times other avenues are used. Six Sigma etc.
 
mwncheesehead said:
Yes I’m married. But if my wife is aware of it and has complete access to any future correspondence, is there an issue? Btw, she is leaving the company entirely, and to my knowledge, there’s no company mentor program.
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My concerns are probably too nitpicky but there was just a little tinge of oddity at the way you worded the above

“My wife is aware of it” Does she support it? To be “aware” of something does not mean it is of no concern.

“has complete access to future correspondence” Ding Ding ding. Something is striking me odd about this. Just the way it is worded. Why “Future”? why use the word correspondence? And surely not phone conversations so are you just referring to email? There is a big difference between “my wife knows my email password” and my wife and I make team decisions and I talk about this relationship and my work often. Now perhaps you don’t talk shop at home. That is fine. But in my home the spouse’s job and job related relationships are a topic of dinner conversation quite frequently.

Which brings me to this
Btw, she is leaving the company entirely,
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Now just looking at this professionally. Does your company know you will continue to have a working mentor-mentee relationship with a former employee? There can be HUGE legal issues here with confidentiality and “intellectual property” Not only that but if they felt that she was “grooming” you away from the company that would be unprofessional and unethical.

I can’t put my finger on it but something about this professionally and personally just does not sit right. Like there is more to this story…
 
I have two people that I would consider mentors, and one former mentor.

The former mentor is a woman. Because of her I was able to launch a successful real estate career in my (very early) 20’s. She turned me into a heck of a marketer and manager, and when she saw my passion for law, she put me into contact with her lawyer so that I could get some guidance and advice. When I left the field to try my hand with law school, she became a good friend and one of my top references.

My two current mentors are both men. One is a foreign affairs expert, the other a lawyer. Because of the nature of my field, my future ambitions, and my “must haves” for a mentor (experienced and conservative are two requirements), women who could fill the role are few and far between. This has never been a problem for me. One of my mentors is a relative of my husband (in his 50’s) and the other is one of my old professors from my undergraduate days (pushing 80). My husband knows about both and is privy to everything I discuss with them.
 
I had an interesting discussion about this thread with my wife (who has a mentor and a mentee) and she had some interesting points.

She said that the mentor mentee relationship never would go outside of work. The company has strict rules about them. And there are indeed male female ones.

Her observations were this.
There would be no problem for the OP Except that the OP had to ask if there was a problem. Now that might not seem fair but she gave the example that if she was taking about future career moves with her (male) boss and that is why she was home late I would not even bat an eye. BUT if She said “Hoosier Daddy, I was taking with my boss do you think that is ok or weird.” Then it would be a red flag. That the OP has this question indicates a certainly level of sex (gender)being involved. She certainly agreed that there could be confidentiality problems and grooming problems for the OP especially in finance.

Finally we both thought this. If the OP has ANY sort of infatuation with this lady then a mentor mentee relationship is simply out of the question. It can ruin families careers and lives. The OP needs to examine and make sure that he is not just someone who likes his boss and is finding any excuse to keep in touch as the boss leaves. That is emotional and not professional. It is not worth it if it makes anyone uncomfortable. That is for the OP personally and his family. Which is the single biggest priority here.

She agreed, something is odd about the question.
 
I imagine it depends greatly on the ages involved — I have a female mentor, but she’s 70 and has literally known me since I was five, so the relationship is somewhat motherly.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I am only aware of a mentorship program within companies. I do not know exactly what one outside of or unsanctioned by a company would consist of. Just a private agreement between colleagues to network? I guess you could clarify as to what the mentor-mentee relationship would consist of and to what end.
In my wife’s job she has a mentor, who she chooses but usually everyone chooses same sex mentors. Especially with women in business. My wife works for an extremely large company and so there is a developed mentor program. Usually they pair up same sex because it is more effective. honestly, I don’t even know if you can pair up opposite sex at my wife’s company. Perhaps you can, but I know that the mentor mentee relationship is only during work time and even a personal call at home would be a breach of what the company would like to see. I can see were it is valuable for networking or just support. But in the finance industry I would think it would only be valuable within the same company. Many times other avenues are used. Six Sigma etc.
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I have heard of companies having official, sanctioned, mentorship programs. I would probably take advantage of such a program because doing so would make me look like a “go-getter”, but I couldn’t imagine it being a very good long-term idea. And the relationship would be extremely guarded while it did last.

I would not want a mentor within my law firm because I want someone with whom I can discuss what is best for me and my career, and at the end of the day, that might not mean staying with my firm. (It could also mean things like having to establish boundaries with a Partner in the firm, or something else unpleasant). I just would not feel able to speak freely to someone within the company. I also don’t believe in getting too close to anyone at work anyway, because at the end of the day they will do what is best for their own careers, and you never know where that might leave you or what might come back to bite you.

My relationship with my mentor is a give and take. He provides me with more support and guidance than I could have ever hoped for, but he knows that if he needs someone to edit something for publishing immediately, that I will get up in the middle of the night to do it. When entering into a mentorship, it is really important to keep in mind what you bring to the table for your mentor. It cannot be a one sided relationship.
 
Thanks all for your good thoughts and comments; I appreciate it.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I have heard of companies having official, sanctioned, mentorship programs. I would probably take advantage of such a program because doing so would make me look like a “go-getter”, but I couldn’t imagine it being a very good long-term idea. And the relationship would be extremely guarded while it did last.

I would not want a mentor within my law firm because I want someone with whom I can discuss what is best for me and my career, and at the end of the day, that might not mean staying with my firm. (It could also mean things like having to establish boundaries with a Partner in the firm, or something else unpleasant). I just would not feel able to speak freely to someone within the company. I also don’t believe in getting too close to anyone at work anyway, because at the end of the day they will do what is best for their own careers, and you never know where that might leave you or what might come back to bite you.

My relationship with my mentor is a give and take. He provides me with more support and guidance than I could have ever hoped for, but he knows that if he needs someone to edit something for publishing immediately, that I will get up in the middle of the night to do it. When entering into a mentorship, it is really important to keep in mind what you bring to the table for your mentor. It cannot be a one sided relationship.
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That is very true. And while yes, a mentorship can be good outside of a small company the ethics involved of a former employee having some sort of a formal professional with a current employee does have it’s challenges. If the OPs company thought he was compromising information or even being groomed for another position elsewhere that could be bad for the OP in his current job. In fact he could lose his current job.

Rarely and under only the best circumstances are there not hard feelings when either a person leaves or is forced to leave. It just seems odd to me that an employee leaves, moves out of state, and that is when the OP decides that a mentorship is in order. 🤷 Sounds to me like the OP liked his boss and wan’t that to continue. But the lady leaving should be careful not to undercut the person in the new position over her mentee. And if she is indeed “grooming” best to just say, “I will hook you up when I get settled and bring you on my team” That happens frequently. And that is ok. But under the guise of a mentor mentee relationship, it is odd.
But your advivce about bringing something to the table is spot on. The OP did not mention that. Is this a paid relationship? What is the mentee’s role. What do they being to the table. It needs to be tit for tat.
 
Potter said:
I imagine it depends greatly on the ages involved — I have a female mentor, but she’s 70 and has literally known me since I was five, so the relationship is somewhat motherly.
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Is that a professional mentorship? It sounds more personal. The OP is talking about professional ones. I would think any sort of professional mentorship that mirrored a close familial relationship would be highly inappropriate. Etc. Mothers, wives, children and such. Not that one cannot have mentors like that, but probably not in a professional manner.
 
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