Opposite sex mentors

[BlueEyedLady]

That is very true. And while yes, a mentorship can be good outside of a small company the ethics involved of a former employee having some sort of a formal professional with a current employee does have it’s challenges. If the OPs company thought he was compromising information or even being groomed for another position elsewhere that could be bad for the OP in his current job. In fact he could lose his current job.

Rarely and under only the best circumstances are there not hard feelings when either a person leaves or is forced to leave. It just seems odd to me that an employee leaves, moves out of state, and that is when the OP decides that a mentorship is in order. Sounds to me like the OP liked his boss and wan’t that to continue. But the lady leaving should be careful not to undercut the person in the new position over her mentee. And if she is indeed “grooming” best to just say, “I will hook you up when I get settled and bring you on my team” That happens frequently. And that is ok. But under the guise of a mentor mentee relationship, it is odd.
But your advivce about bringing something to the table is spot on. The OP did not mention that. Is this a paid relationship? What is the mentee’s role. What do they being to the table. It needs to be tit for tat.

Prior to trying to make my way through law school my professional mentor did not become my mentor until she was fired from the company. We kept things all about business until the day she left, but that night I reached out to her, told her that I was sorry about what had happened, told her that I admired her success and perspective and I hoped that I could use her as a resource throughout my career. My career in that field was short-lived, but I have no doubt in my mind that if I called her tomorrow she would help me out. My current company didn’t need to know that we stayed in touch, and it was definitely none of their business.

The thing about an unofficial mentor-mentee thing is that it is unofficial. There is no paperwork, no formal agreement, no promises, etc. If both people are professional and respectful, there is no reason for anyone’s employer or coworkers to know about the relationship. For the sake of everyone involved, it should probably be kept quiet anyway. Not because there’s anything wrong with the arrangement, there certainly isn’t. But just because it’s usually the case that the less said, the better.

The number one thing that I see people lose their jobs and sometimes careers over is talking too much. (Then again, I work in law) You shouldn’t tell your employer anymore than you have to about yourself or your personal life. Not only can it be used against you, you can be sure that it will be. And that rule of mine is specifically why my mentor was not my mentor until she was no longer my boss, and it’s why I didn’t tell anyone about it after.

Tit for tat is probably unrealistic. One of my mentors has worked in his field for 30+ years, the other for 50+ years. I have next to nothing to offer these people. The older one I do editing and proofreading for, but that’s about it. Every time I’m in his city we meet for coffee and (loudly) bounce ideas and arguments off of each other, and he assures me that he puts that to good use (but as the one just starting out, I’m sure I get more from his wisdom than he does from mine). Honestly, he got me into law school, there is no tat that could even come close to that. Fortunately for me, he had his own excellent mentor and he enjoys paying it forward. I hope to do the same someday. But it is really important that you don’t take advantage of the person helping you. You MUST respect your mentor’s time, and you have to understand that they have their own jobs to tend to. Showing gratitude and being willing to help them out wherever or whenever you can is essential.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Is that a professional mentorship? It sounds more personal. The OP is talking about professional ones. I would think any sort of professional mentorship that mirrored a close familial relationship would be highly inappropriate. Etc. Mothers, wives, children and such. Not that one cannot have mentors like that, but probably not in a professional manner.

Ah, see, I think this is where the miscommunication is. I think we all might be talking about different things.

My mentors are what I would consider professional. They work in my field, they help me out, and I don’t add them to Facebook or discuss personal things with them. But it is not through my employer, it is none of my employer’s business, and if my boss asked, it would fall firmly into what I call ‘personal information’.

I guess it’s a grey area. My mentor relationships are personal in that they are not through my employer. But they are professional in that we have firm professional boundaries in place and my personal life is kept completely separate. I guess it would be ‘Privately Professional’? I guess that’s the scenario I had envisioned with the OP as well.

Now obviously, the mentor that is related to my husband is a bit different. We do talk about family and personal things, but that aspect of our relationship is kept separate from our lawyer-future lawyer time.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Prior to trying to make my way through law school my professional mentor did not become my mentor until she was fired from the company. We kept things all about business until the day she left, but that night I reached out to her, told her that I was sorry about what had happened, told her that I admired her success and perspective and I hoped that I could use her as a resource throughout my career. My career in that field was short-lived, but I have no doubt in my mind that if I called her tomorrow she would help me out. My current company didn’t need to know that we stayed in touch, and it was definitely none of their business.

The thing about an unofficial mentor-mentee thing is that it is unofficial. There is no paperwork, no formal agreement, no promises, etc. If both people are professional and respectful, there is no reason for anyone’s employer or coworkers to know about the relationship. For the sake of everyone involved, it should probably be kept quiet anyway. Not because there’s anything wrong with the arrangement, there certainly isn’t. But just because it’s usually the case that the less said, the better.

The number one thing that I see people lose their jobs and sometimes careers over is talking too much. (Then again, I work in law) You shouldn’t tell your employer anymore than you have to about yourself or your personal life. Not only can it be used against you, you can be sure that it will be. And that rule of mine is specifically why my mentor was not my mentor until she was no longer my boss, and it’s why I didn’t tell anyone about it after.

Tit for tat is probably unrealistic. One of my mentors has worked in his field for 30+ years, the other for 50+ years. I have next to nothing to offer these people. The older one I do editing and proofreading for, but that’s about it. Every time I’m in his city we meet for coffee and (loudly) bounce ideas and arguments off of each other, and he assures me that he puts that to good use (but as the one just starting out, I’m sure I get more from his wisdom than he does from mine). Honestly, he got me into law school, there is no tat that could even come close to that. Fortunately for me, he had his own excellent mentor and he enjoys paying it forward. I hope to do the same someday. But it is really important that you don’t take advantage of the person helping you. You MUST respect your mentor’s time, and you have to understand that they have their own jobs to tend to. Showing gratitude and being willing to help them out wherever or whenever you can is essential.

That does make sense. My wife left her last job for a larger competitor. People were told to have zero contact with her. Of course there are trade secrets and patent issues but the company was very adamant about it. My wife left for more money and it caused some unrest at the old company because it brought to light that people were not being paid the industry standard. There has been shakeups since she left and it caused a problem for management that created a rift. Though my wife left professionally and in a friendly way, a bridge was burned. But my wife has received several job requests from colleges to try to get in at the larger company. I have no doubt that the old company would fire someone for seeking to follow my wife. No doubt at all. But it is highly competitive and companies are just trying to protect their employees and trade secrets. Thankfully my wife’s old company agreed to let her out of a 2 year hiatus that is written into the employment contract. The person cannot work for a competitor in the same capacity for two years.

Once the company tried to push a director out and he was high enough that they could not budge on the 2 year agreement. So they paid him a severance of 2 years.

What a deal!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Thankfully my wife’s old company agreed to let her out of a 2 year hiatus that is written into the employment contract. The person cannot work for a competitor in the same capacity for two years.

If your wife is ever locked into not working in a particular industry and/or in a particular role and/or in a particular area and it becomes a hardship, call a good lawyer. One thing that employers don’t want you to know is that CNC’s are actually very hard to have enforced as written. If taken to court, they are usually found to be way too broad and a judge will narrow it or release the employee from it all together. And employers know this. That’s why a strongly worded letter from a lawyer on official letterhead will usually result in an easy compromise. If you have one in the family he may do it for you for free.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

If your wife is ever locked into not working in a particular industry and/or in a particular role and/or in a particular area and it becomes a hardship, call a good lawyer. One thing that employers don’t want you to know is that CNC’s are actually very hard to have enforced as written. If taken to court, they are usually found to be way too broad and a judge will narrow it or release the employee from it all together. And employers know this. That’s why a strongly worded letter from a lawyer on official letterhead will usually result in an easy compromise. If you have one in the family he may do it for you for free.

Thanks! That is good to know! I think something was said in her interview as well. As in “well, our legal team can look at it, there shouldn’t be much of a problem.”

If figure if Damon can leave the Red Sox and play for the Yankees, then my wife can work for a competitor.

Geesh when does football start.

 

[on_the_hill]

I’m not sure what a mentor/mentee relationship is.

I know what the words mean, but do people have formal relationships like this? I always figured it would be an informal situation where a person would get advice from someone with more experience.

Personally, there have been lots of times over the past few years, since I was promoted to be the boss of my organization, that I wish there were someone to tell me what to do, because nothing really prepared me for the decisions I’d have to make. On the other hand, I’m glad I had to handle things largely on my own.

On the other hand, the concept of a mentor relationship makes me a little uncomfortable.

 

[fernfern]

If your motives are pure and all mentoring interactions are work-based, I think it’s fine. However, please be aware and avoid the pitfall of having the mentoring relationship transition into a “work-spouse” relationship where you go to her for emotional support as well (when it should be your wife).

 

[Prodigirl]

Maybe you could enjoin her in an effort to assemble a Mentor Manual to be kept at your workplace!

I don’t think there’s a single thing wrong with asking her to mentor you long-distance.