Our 16th St. Valentine's Day and no card of gift, nothing special

[Peace-bwu]

A little background. I have been blissfully married for 10 years. We started dating when I was 15 Valentines day 1991 was our first real date and when he gave me his class ring. I’m 30 now, so this is our 16th St. Valentines Day!

He is an enlisted flyer in the Air Force, so is gone frequently, crazy schedule, flying all over the world, it’s hard work but he loves it and much of the time he gets a mini vacation to go see a Cathedral or historical or local site here and there, trips to Rome for sightseeing, climbing pikes peak, flying low level over the Grand Canyon, spending loads of time ina deluxe resort in Hawaii and Guam… The Eiffel tower, London, Dublin, Seville, all over Spain, the list goes on and on.

There have been many years where we were so burdened financially that we could’t afford gifts for each other, but we usually do something nice, even if it’s make a card or do something nice.

I am the dutiful wife, supportive, take care of the home and kids, keep up my appearance and keep him very happy in every other way… we have a great love life, I homeschool and for the past year have had awful health problems and am awaiting surgery. (you have probably read my other posts)

This year we had plenty of money to buy each other gifts for St. Valentines Day. He has been asking for a Sony PSP, so I totally surprised him and bought one complete with two great games, and case, the works. (over $300)

He had been out on a mission for a week. It has been very difficult to homeschool and manage everythign with my health problems, but I persevere. I am determined to plow through the pain, sadness, and worry to take care of my family. I am trying to do extra homeschool with the kids so it won’t affect their school work when I have surgery.

I was thilled that he made it home at 11 pm last night (Feb. 13) We went to sleep and I gave him his gift when he woke up. this morning. He was delightfully surprised and said “I almost bought one of these this week but they didn’t have any of the games I wanted where I was so I didn’t buy one.” He has been playing it almost nonstop throughout the day, helping here and there around the house (occasionally getting a drink of juice or helping with a math problem, but mostly just playing his game and feeling extrememly stressed.

My point of all this is to say that he had 3 days of “down time” in Germany because the plane was broken down and they were waiting for it to be repaired. So every day I was expecting him home and disappointed when he didn’t show. He was finally able to email me to let me know when he woud be home.

So he had all this time in Germany to go to resturants and hang out with his crew… He had pleanty of time to buy or make a card, write a love letter, buy a small gift, heck bring home a candy bar…

He didn’t give me a present at all… no card, no chocolate, nothing. All day he has just been full of stress, which is understandable with what we have going on (Surgery, illness, homeschool, endless AF missions and a pending move)

In fact he gave me a can of iced coffee from Germany to taste, I said "Wow that’s yummy! I thought he was giving it to me, but took it back and said “That’s the only one I have left…” I said, “Wow, you get a Play station Portable and the yummy coffee.” I was joking when I said that. He let me have the coffee.

I wasn’t really* expecting* anything… but now that the day is almost over I’m feeling a little sad… maybe a little unappreciated.

I don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying anything… but I made such an effort to give him a great gift, and he didn’t do anything for me.

I am the kind of lady who would appreciate a flower he picked out of the yard. I just like the effort and attempt to express what a person means to you. The expression of love.

IF he had given me any little thing, especially a hand made card or even one from the store with a cheap candy bar. I’m not high maintenence.

I guess it just makes me sorta sad.

Thanks for letting me vent. I don’t want to vent to him. I dont want to be petty or make him feel bad about it. It’s not about the gift, it’s about the effort and thought behind the gift.

Did all you married ladies get a card or gift or a special treat for St. Valentine’s Day? Is this just something that happens after being together, comfortable and happy for so long? Do some people just stop trying to make the other feel appreciated and loved on days like St. Valentines Day (which is also our anniversary)

 

[ReginaNova]

I just wanted to offer my sympathy. Maybe after a few days, you can mention how you have been struggling despite your health problems and his TDY. Perhaps you can suggest that you go out to dinner or on a date together to celebrate his Valentine’s Day return.

Try not to dwell on the oversight.

In the future, you might give him ideas (and reminders) of what you want for a particular occasion. That works best with my hubby. Sure it spoils the spontaneity but at least I get what I want and he knows I’ll be happy. Or give him choices, far enough in advance that he can get you something.

You are understandably disappointed, especially with all the stresses you have in your life. But ride it out. This sounds like one of those bumps in married life that you need to get through and work out. Don’t forget that there are always people whose lives are better than yours, but many more people who don’t have what you have.

 

[Peace-bwu]

ReginaNova:

I just wanted to offer my sympathy. Maybe after a few days, you can mention how you have been struggling despite your health problems and his TDY. Perhaps you can suggest that you go out to dinner or on a date together to celebrate his Valentine’s Day return.

Try not to dwell on the oversight.

In the future, you might give him ideas (and reminders) of what you want for a particular occasion. That works best with my hubby. Sure it spoils the spontaneity but at least I get what I want and he knows I’ll be happy. Or give him choices, far enough in advance that he can get you something.

I have learned over the years not to do this. He knows the things I like, want, need etc. He has done this before several times on Mother’s day of all days. Saying anything to him just made me feel worse and it didnt’ remedy the situation.

The things I gave him were given freely with no expectation but his happiness.

He knows how hard the pending surgery and hysterectomy has been on me, both the physical pain I’m having and the sadness I felt when I found out last week.

It isn’t the gift… it’s the lack of thought. It’s not a simple case of “forgetting” or not knowing what to give me.

I feel old, used up and unappreciated. I know he loves me, but I feel VERY VERY used. I have always been very supportive of his military career, even though I have to give up so much for it to be possible.

I am usually only on Catholic Answers when he is on a mission, but I am on tonight because he was watching “Sin City” I didn’t like it much the first time, but also didn’t want to ask him to turn it off, especially since the last thing I heard him say before he fell asleep was “I LOVE this movie!”

I dont’ want to cause more stress in his life by complaining about this. I am stressed too and I still show him love and appreciation.

It just doesn’t make sense to me that he had all day at home and didn’t make any effort at all. He did thoroughly enjoy his PSP, played games most of the day while I homeschooled and made meals. I also made special effort to look attractive. I don’t want to look frumpy. I usually try to look nice, but today I put even more effort.

I feel very “let down” by the man I love. :crying: I’m not usually one to complain about this but today was very telling.

 

[Princess_Abby]

In my personal experience with my husband, brother, father and a close male friend or two, I find that men are enormously relieved when a woman tells them exactly what she wants. Not just in your romantic relationships, but family or friendships too. There are a few men who enjoy the risk of surprising his loved one with something that may or may not go over well (how many of us have received a toaster for a birthday at one time or another) but far more men who LOVE to know they will get it right and make the one they love happy. Sometimes they just need a little prodding in getting there. With my dh, giving him one idea usually spurrs a lot of creativity and in the end he’s so proud of himself and it’s quite cute to see. He just needs a starting point on occasion.

I know your feelings are hurt but I think you should tell your hubby what you want. Tell him you know how stressed he is and that you’d like to give him this week to relax, but it would make you feel loved and appreciated if he could plan dinner out for the two of you one night this weekend. (Or whatever you want.)

If you keep the resentment to yourself, it most likely will come out in passive aggressive little ways until it explodes in an argument he doesn’t even see coming about a topic that isn’t really the issue–your hurt feelings over his seeming lack of appreciation regarding you and the holiday.

Just tell him what you want and he probably will gladly give it to you. Don’t torture yourself with an internal dialogue of believing he’s really using you or oblivious to your love and sacrifice. Give him another chance to make it better.

 

[alaskaaggies]

PBWU, I can relate.

When my husband comes back TDY and is particularly stressed about something, it is much easier for him not to “plug back in” (his term) to the family right away. When he’s gone, he only has to think about the mission at hand and his schedule. When he comes back, he has us and the office. Suspenses that need to be met at work, kids that need attention and a wife that could use some too. Maybe it is just easier for him to zone out for a bit instead of facing what’s going on right now. The fact that today was St. Valentines Day just made it all the more obvious.

Sounds like (from what little I’ve read) that you two have a very good relationship. I’d talk to him about it. Let him know that while you understand his stress about y’all’s current situation, you really need his attention, love, help… whatever.

I’m glad you’re such the wonderful supportive wife that you are. It takes a lot of love and emotional energy, that’s for sure. God bless you for that!

 

[momof3boys]

I can understand how you are feeling. My husband is the same way. I never get presents for Mother’s Day, my b-day, Valentines ( he’s actually TDY right now, though ), or for Christmas.
I have told him that it is the thought that counts - and obviously he wasn’t thinking of me. It is very hurtful - you feel very unappreciated.
I don’t really have any advice - I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.
Oh, one of my friends mentioned to him while we were all together that I saw some p.j.'s at Victoria’s Secret that I really liked.
His response? " Go get them"

 

[SemperJase]

momof3boys:

one of my friends mentioned to him while we were all together that I saw some p.j.'s at Victoria’s Secret that I really liked. His response? " Go get them"

One of the biggest mistakes women make is to assume we should understand their hints or know what you’re thinking. I know to you its painfully obvious that you are suggesting a gift idea, or that we should pick up the living room without you asking.

Men just don’t think that way though. Expecting that we do is a set up for us to fail and for you to be disappointed.

 

[alaskaaggies]

.

Did all you married ladies get a card or gift or a special treat for St. Valentine’s Day? Is this just something that happens after being together, comfortable and happy for so long? Do some people just stop trying to make the other feel appreciated and loved on days like St. Valentines Day (which is also our anniversary)

Forgot to answer this one. There was a period in our marriage where my husband completely blew off our anniversary (in Dec) and then Christmas. NUTHIN’! No card, no note, no candy NADA! We were stationed in AK so our relatives mailed all our gifts. So there were presents on both occasions for all of us, but nothing from him. So by the time my birthday rolled around in Jan, I thought I’d just go and get something for myself, by golly! I enrolled in a women’s ski clinic and bought a new outfit to boot. This completely took him off guard and he felt terrible. I think he felt like as long as there was something for me to unwrap, it was okay and I wouldn’t notice he hadn’t done anything. I still don’t know what was going on with that boy then, but he did tell me that he wanted to take his time and get the “perfect” gift and felt like he was short changing me by not doing so. (He is a perfectionist in a lot of areas ) I am really bad about not being direct about what I want— probably because I really don’t want anything-- but recognition of an anniversary or a Merry Christmas Hon is always appreciated–even if it’s scribbled on a paper towel and taped to the bathroom mirror!

That was a number of kids and years ago. We talked about it then and ever since, he’s been really good about holidays and special occasions. My favorite things have always been the handwritten notes and his are too.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Peace-bwu:

…The things I gave him were given freely with no expectation but his happiness. …

I feel old, used up and unappreciated. I know he loves me, but I feel VERY VERY used. I have always been very supportive of his military career, even though I have to give up so much for it to be possible. …

I dont’ want to cause more stress in his life by complaining about this. I am stressed too and I still show him love and appreciation.
…
I feel very “let down” by the man I love. :crying: I’m not usually one to complain about this but today was very telling.

You cannot have it both ways: expectations and no expectations. It is the former and not latter… there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, that is as it should be. Having expectations but being ready to cope with not have them met once in awhile is not the same as having no expectations at all.

Marriage isn’t all agape. It’s eros, too. It’s just plain friendship and affection. You have needs and you need the love to come back. You have to admit that to him and to yourself.

alaskaaggies:

…
Sounds like (from what little I’ve read) that you two have a very good relationship. I’d talk to him about it. Let him know that while you understand his stress about y’all’s current situation, you really need his attention, love, help… whatever.

I’m glad you’re such the wonderful supportive wife that you are. It takes a lot of love and emotional energy, that’s for sure. God bless you for that!

Yes. Sometimes, when my husband feels buried, he doesn’t get me anything or plan anything, then gets depressed about it when I get him something. I not only don’t get anything, I end up comforting him because I didn’t get anything. For all the things spouses put each other through, that doesn’t score that high, but it has been enough to talk about.

Communicate, listen, negotiate, compromise. Repeat as necessary.

You won’t always know what he wants or what he’s thinking, but at least you’ll know what that was as of the last time you talked. More importantly, it goes both ways. It is not fair to him to set up these hoops he’s supposed to jump without giving feedback when he’s not making the mark. Saying “I don’t expect anything” when you really do expect something and then magically getting what you want instead of what you asked for is not what it means to live the dream.

If you don’t talk about these things as they come up (or as soon afterward as you can clear your head about it), you are going to jam them in your unadmitted gunny sack of grievances. Someday, it’s going to break open and he’ll get the whole thing dumped into his lap. That isn’t fair.

So whether he copes well with it or not, talk to him. Admit that you’ve had some unspoken expectations. Admit that you’re disappointed with the results you’ve gotten by speaking up. Or better yet, reflect on what your feelings are, take some time to be honest with yourself, and admit to whatever the truth is.

Sure, this talking business probably won’t go right some of the time. Sometimes neither of you will feel like doing it. Sometimes, one or both of you won’t be fair. Sometimes, it might even start an argument. That is okay. Excellence isn’t a lack of mistakes. It is the defeat of mediocrity. Communication takes practice, commitment, and a willingness to mess up in order to get better, just like playing piano or any other skill worth having.

If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it. We all know where that leads.

 

[Peace-bwu]

The thing that bothered me most about yesterday is…

We have an amazing relationship and excellent communication. He knows exactly what I like and how I feel about this, etc. so that is not the issue, he also knows how important this day is in the history of our relationship.

He had just returned home from a mission. That means he is usually tired, disoriented, stressed and, as he says, “useless” on the first day of post mission crew rest. I didn’t want to add to his burden by saying anything or putting high expectations on him. That is why I let him sleep, relax, play his game, zone out, etc.

Since he is such sweet, loving and consciencous guy most of the time, I don’t understand why he didn’t just “pick something up” for me in Germany to bring home. That is what hurt my feelings. He had the time to do it, the money, he knows me and is my best friend. Then when he asked me to taste that iced coffee and acted all covetous about wanting it back, that was when I first felt hurt. “That is the only one I have left.” I just assumed he was giving it to me. Not that an iced coffee is that big of a deal, it was a symbol of his attitude lately. Like he would be that thoughtless to let me try something yummy (that he has already had 5 of, it was from a 6 pack) on St. Valentine’s Day without giving me anything else yet when I say “Wow that is good” he wants it back. Like how greedy can you get? LOL.

This military lifestyle is very stressful on a family. I was sad about something I can’t do anything about, and that is how much I have to “give up” for his career, how hard it is to constantly deal with daddy/ DH leaving on short notice,never knowing when he will be home. We’ve missed so many holidays and I was so happy that he made it home in time for St. Valentine’s Day, that I thought he would do something special for me. I thought somehow he would strive to be romantic or show his love and appreciation, despite the post mission crew rest.

Because of all the stress we have going on and what I am about to go through with surgery etc. I really would have liked to have him express his feelings for me with more than words. I just wanted to feel like he made the effort. That’s all. I understood the realilty of post mission crew rest. It just happened to be on a special Holy day and our anniversary. I tried to take it in stride, but by the afternoon, I started to feel hurt and unappreciated.

He said in an email while in Germany that he wanted to go do something with “just us” a very rare occurance. I think that was his plan, but he wasn’t home in time to organize a babysitter and I think he wanted it ot be a surprise.

A little card or one of my favorite things from Germany would have done wonders for making me feel special.

He is much more himself today, after me letting him sleep as much as he could. He is even cleaning the kitchen! So I think today will be better. He wants to go do something when the kids are finished with school. It was just another holiday he missed, he just happened to be* physically* here, but in the mentality of post mission crew rest.

 

[1ke]

Peace-bwu:

I wasn’t really* expecting* anything… but now that the day is almost over I’m feeling a little sad… maybe a little unappreciated.

PBWU, it’s very clear from your post that you were expecting something-- and that expectation was not met and you are now sad. It’s not wrong to expect celebrating a holiday, and it’s not wrong to expect a token of love, so don’t feel bad that you were. It’s an established holiday, it’s one you’ve celebrated before, and it’s not unreasonable to expect something from your husband on Valentines day.

Peace-bwu:

I don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying anything… but I made such an effort to give him a great gift, and he didn’t do anything for me.

You must say something or else you will just harbor this little hurt, and it will come out in other ways. The only way to fix something is to discuss it. He won’t know if you don’t tell him.

Peace-bwu:

I am the kind of lady who would appreciate a flower he picked out of the yard. I just like the effort and attempt to express what a person means to you. The expression of love.

Then tell him that. Even if he totally forgot about Valentine’s Day, once he got home he had all day to go get a card. My DH ran out to Wal Mart at 10 pm on Feb 13 b/c he hadn’t yet gotten a card. He knew he’d let it get by him, so he took action to make sure I had a card.

Peace-bwu:

IF he had given me any little thing, especially a hand made card or even one from the store with a cheap candy bar. I’m not high maintenence. I guess it just makes me sorta sad.

PBWU-- You are not high maintenance just because you are disappointed you didn’t get a Valentines gift. It’s clear to me that from this and other postings that your personality is mostly geared towards doing nice littlet things for other people and you try hard to make sure everyone else is taken care of. It’s not wrong for you to want others to do the same for you.

Peace-bwu:

Thanks for letting me vent. I don’t want to vent to him. I dont want to be petty or make him feel bad about it. It’s not about the gift, it’s about the effort and thought behind the gift.

Telling him is the only way to fix it. Don’t just harbor sadness and not tell him why.

Peace-bwu:

Did all you married ladies get a card or gift or a special treat for St. Valentine’s Day?

Yes, I got flowers. BUT, DH and I have an agreement that I will be clear with him about what I want for certain holidays, etc. So, I told him 3 weeks ago that it would be nice to get flowers for V-Day. He got them for me, and a card.

Peace-bwu:

Is this just something that happens after being together, comfortable and happy for so long? Do some people just stop trying to make the other feel appreciated and loved on days like St. Valentines Day (which is also our anniversary)

It’s wrong to ever stop appreciating the other. We should show appreciation every day. While V Day is a made up holiday, it’s as good day to show a little extra.

I’m telling you PBWU, you have to express you expectations to your husband or he’ll miss the mark not knowing what you expect.

 

[Princess_Abby]

I hear what you’re saying in terms of why you let yesterday slide, but I don’t understand why you won’t say something now when he is apparently more himself and able to understand your p.o.v. better? If your husband is as amazing as he sounds, surely he will be ready and willing to listen and plan something special to make you a happy wife again and assure you of his love and appreciation. You don’t have to continue feeling hurt if you simply say something! Wouldn’t he want you to do so?

 

[MrS]

From a guy’s point of view… tell him how you feel… he won’t melt. It won’t kill him to hear that you can let his “in-attention” pass on Valentine’s day… but maybe once in awhile during the rest of the year he might bring you something special…

That would be two messages… hey, dope, remember Feb 14th, and then hey, dope, I’m your wife all year long.

(sorry… just my humble opinion)

 

[KCT]

No one here knows your dh, but I don’t get why you can’t say to him, “I’m hurt/ disappointed that you didn’t even get me a card for Valentine’s Day. It’s important to me. Do you want me to remind you from now on?” If it happens again, go get yourself something that you want (something affordable).

If you don’t say anything and just suffer in silence, what kind of example are you setting for your kids - daughters or sons? If your sons see Dad blow off important dates, they could end up doing the same. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids and their future spouses —KCT (who has learned the hard way!)

 

[Peace-bwu]

I talked to him about it after breakfast over coffee since I could tell that he was well rested and had his obligatory, and well deserved, rest from the trip.

I told him that I understood that he needed his rest from the trip, but was disappointed that he didn’t seem to make much effort for St. Valentine’s Day./ anniversary. I told him I understand, but was hoping that he would have tried to do just a little something nice, maybe pick up something in Germany. He said that he wanted to go out and do something as a family but with school and being tired and with how badly I feel physically he didn’t want to push me too much. We are normally an active outdoor oriented family and we can’t enjoy alot of things we have always enjoyed together like hiking and canoeing, or a family biking day trip.

When I wrote in the original post that I didn’t expect anything, I should have been more specific. I didn’t expect anything big or expensive or anything specific like a certain gift. I did expect some kind of handmade or bought card, some small token or attempt, no matter how small. I didnt expect him to act like it was any other day and not even want to give me an iced coffee, LOL!

I realize now that alot of the problem is that he is used to me being physically active and “alive” and “out there experiencing life” so he doesn’t know what to do with a “sick” version of me. On a normal holiday we might go out for a family hike at the state park with a picnic lunch or have a day of sledding (we have lotsa snow right now) Last year we went cross country skiing/ hiking and pulled the kids on sleds through the woods on a local state park trail for several miles, this year we would’t be able to do that. Our whole dating life before marriage was spent doing outdoor sports every weekend like hiking, skiing, canoeing, white water rafting kayaking, mountain biking… we have spent so much time doing these things that he doesn’t have ideas for me right now. Even when I was pregnant we could at least hike.

I actually feel sorry for him now. I think it was a sad thing for him to think of only buying a card or some small trinket when he would rather give me what I have always really loved in life, such as an outdoor famliy day trip or a visit to a museum or historical site.

He is also really worried about me, more than I realized. I guess to him buying just a card or just a small trinket didn’t seem like enough. He said he was going to buy a mother’s ring (I told him that I want a mother’s ring since I am getting a hysterectomy and our family is “complete” biologically) That way anytime i feel sad about that, even if the kids arent’ around I can look at that ring and remember how blessed I am to have a beautiful family.A celebration rather than feeling sad. Anyway, he says he wanted to do that but not without measuring my finger, and he wants me to help him select the style.

HE is also noticing how much his career is taking from our family with the frequent missions. We have been at this pace for 6 years and it is finally catching up with us. That is why we are trying to make the change where he will be doing the same job, minus the overseas missions for 3 yrs.

I got what I wanted today, he told me what he is experiencing with this and we are going to go do something fun today to take our minds off of all this stress!

I wrote in at CA because I couldn’t talk to him about it yesterday. He deserved to have a day to “download” from his mission, but even though I respect his need for that, I was getting upset and had noone to talk to, except you great people.

Thanks for bearing with me and all my whining.

 

[Kay_Cee]

You are very much not alone.

I didn’t have the opportunity to get my husband anything over the weekend since I was very ill with a bad cold. Only yesterday did I feel well enough to go anywhere, though I was weak from being sick. I had lots of errands that absolutely had to be run, but I still managed to make a special trip to get my husband a card and a gift for Valentine’s Day, even though all I wanted to do was go back to bed.

He gave me a card. No gift. His explanation was that he didn’t have time.

So now I’m confused. He certainly had plenty of time this weekend and he did buy things for himself and the kids then. He had time to go to a store to get the card (but apparently not time to pick up anything else?)

I’ve been in a funk about it all day. He knows what I like, so finding something shouldn’t be a problem (He knows a box of chocolates will always do). I know he didn’t forget about Valentine’s Day since he got the card.

I don’t get it.

 

[Chovy]

Put me down as another person that is in a funk. My husband had told me weeks ago that he had the perfect present lined up for me. He said it was the best gift he had ever gotten for me. Well, he did have something nice picked out but he failed to actually contact the person that was selling it in time and thus had nothing to give me. Instead, he stopped at Walgreens on his way home and got me…

A stuffed, hard, monkey wearing a yellow slicker and red boxer shorts that sings a really loud and long sound while animatedly flashing me. It is such a horrid gift that I thought it was a joke. He left it on its cardboard wrapper with the price written on it.

He did get me a card but stopped in the hallway to write “Love Kevin” immediately before giving it to me.

I’ve been ticked off at him all day but there’s nothing I can do. I already told him of my disappointment and mentioned other things that in the future would have made for better last minute gifts. So I’ll just stew away, but it’s gotta be quietly because I’m fertile this week and I can’t have him mad at me back.

What I need to do is lower my expectations for the next time.

 

[MariaG]

Skip this if all you were wanting to do was vent. Not meant to be harsh, just wanted make sure you really thought about all of this. **Advice, that will not necessarily go down well, if the only intent was venting. **

I am not belittling your feelings. They are what they are. I also will say I am the wife of a firefighter, similar (not the same, way easier to be a firefighter wife than military, but similar) so I can relate to the gone and home scenarios. I can sometimes get to feel very resentful about things, whether he deserves it or not. (and sometimes he completely deserves it.)

My personal opinion is you ambushed him. You say that St. Valentine’s Day varies greatly. Sometimes it is just a card, sometimes more. And although you say you have no money problems, that does not mean he should assume you are going to go hog wild and spend $300. On St. Valentine’s Day.

He gets home late after being gone for how long? And first thing in the morning, instead of giving him a chance to go pick something up, you ambush him with a huge gift. So he had 3 days of down time. Had you discussed or even hinted that you were going to do something extra special this year?

(Note: I am not familiar with the term down time as used in military. A fireman may have down time, but they are still required to do some work. and even if not actively doing anything, they are still very much in the “work” mindset and usually aren’t thinking about roses and diamonds. If you were a fireman’s wife, I would say you are being completely unfair about it. I don’t know about the situation you are refering to, but you may wish to ask yourself honestly, is down time, off time when they can forget about work, or holding time when they have to wait to get back to work?)

I know when my husband gets back from work, he can be really stressed. I sometimes forget that. If it were the middle of the day, sometimes I may get upset that they can’t just jump in and start helping, after all, I have been doing it all by myself!!! The baby is crying, can’t you hear that and see I am cooking dinner?!? I have been dealing with obstinate kids all day homeschooling, help out will ya and I feel really crappy right now!

But they need that time to readjust to home life. Jumping on your military guy on his first waking moment is not the best way to allow him to readjust his thinking and mindset.

Personal opinion? You ambushed him and gave him no real chance at responding in a romantic way.

Okay, and here are the Dr. Lauraish questions that could be completely off track but should be asked. The question you need to ask is did you have a reason, consciously or subconsciouly to try to stifle the romance? Not wanting more kids, ie. don’t chance it with sex? Mad at him for not paying enough attention and wanted to hold onto the anger? (These scenarios are not necessarily even close to you. But you need to ask what is going on in your life that would make you set him up to fail you in this way.)

And like I said, this is just my opinion. Hopefully, you did not even read it if you just wanted to rant.

And thank you for helping to protect me and mine.

God Bless,
Maria

 

[MariaG]

And just a note. If none of this applies, throw it out. None was intended to be offensive, just blunt talking. Sometimes as women we are really good at empathizing with the other person but not as good at blunt speaking. In an effort to be polite in a situation, we don’t always come right and give our true opinions or lessen the impact in some ways that the real meanings are lost. Clearly, I did not do that.

And even though I read most of the replies, I missed your response at number 15, . Those things you brought up may have changed some of my post.

So…

… if none of it applies to you and your situation, throw it away and don’t stew over it.

God Bless,
Maria

 

[bear06]

So he had all this time in Germany to go to resturants and hang out with his crew… He had pleanty of time to buy or make a card, write a love letter, buy a small gift, heck bring home a candy bar…

He didn’t give me a present at all… no card, no chocolate, nothing. All day he has just been full of stress, which is understandable with what we have going on (Surgery, illness, homeschool, endless AF missions and a pending move)

In fact he gave me a can of iced coffee from Germany to taste, I said "Wow that’s yummy! I thought he was giving it to me, but took it back and said “That’s the only one I have left…” I said, “Wow, you get a Play station Portable and the yummy coffee.” I was joking when I said that. He let me have the coffee.

I wasn’t really* expecting* anything… but now that the day is almost over I’m feeling a little sad… maybe a little unappreciated.

I don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying anything… but I made such an effort to give him a great gift, and he didn’t do anything for me.

I am the kind of lady who would appreciate a flower he picked out of the yard. I just like the effort and attempt to express what a person means to you. The expression of love.

IF he had given me any little thing, especially a hand made card or even one from the store with a cheap candy bar. I’m not high maintenence.

I guess it just makes me sorta sad.

Thanks for letting me vent. I don’t want to vent to him. I dont want to be petty or make him feel bad about it. It’s not about the gift, it’s about the effort and thought behind the gift.

Did all you married ladies get a card or gift or a special treat for St. Valentine’s Day? Is this just something that happens after being together, comfortable and happy for so long? Do some people just stop trying to make the other feel appreciated and loved on days like St. Valentines Day (which is also our anniversary)

Give him “The Five Love Languages”. It’s one of those books that I think that every married couple should read. It’s plain old common sense that we just can’t see until we read it. Our marriage is even better than it was before. Sometimes we all fall into the forgetting to show appreciation syndrome. It’s natural when you’ve been married so long. This book gives a real window into how our spouse thinks.