Our 16th St. Valentine's Day and no card of gift, nothing special

[Ana]

My husband and I discuss ALWAYS how we are going to celebrate a particular holiday “this year.” So, do you want to exchange gifts … go out for dinner … each of us buy something we’ve wanted … do nothing … hang out at home … Maybe there is no surprise this way, but if it’s a holiday and your expecting something it’s not really a surprise anyway. I particularly like the ordinary days, and he comes home with a “just because” … a pepsi slurpee … a bunch of wildflowers … or if he calls and asks if I need him to pick up anything on the way home for me, because then I know he was thinking of me freely, not because he was expected to.

Theres always next year!! Make sure you SAY what you want!!

 

[Peace-bwu]

MariaG:

My personal opinion is you ambushed him. You say that St. Valentine’s Day varies greatly. Sometimes it is just a card, sometimes more. And although you say you have no money problems, that does not mean he should assume you are going to go hog wild and spend $300. On St. Valentine’s Day.

He gets home late after being gone for how long?

One week

And first thing in the morning, instead of giving him a chance to go pick something up, you ambush him with a huge gift.

Yes after his shower and shave, assuming if he was planning to get something for me, he got it in Germany, because he had already told me that he had been shopping, and all about the sites and restuarants.

So he had 3 days of down time. Had you discussed or even hinted that you were going to do something extra special this year?

Yes, I told him while chatting with him online that I couldn’t wait to give him his gift, it was something he has been really wanting, he has been hinting around about it for a week or more. I am now guessing that he acted surprised but figured it out and that is why he didn’t buy one during his trip.

(Note: I am not familiar with the term down time as used in military. A fireman may have down time, but they are still required to do some work. and even if not actively doing anything, they are still very much in the “work” mindset and usually aren’t thinking about roses and diamonds. If you were a fireman’s wife, I would say you are being completely unfair about it. I don’t know about the situation you are refering to, but you may wish to ask yourself honestly, is down time, off time when they can forget about work, or holding time when they have to wait to get back to work?)

Flyers get what is called “mandatory crew rest” so they get twelve hours after flying to rest. If the plane breaks down or they are waiting for a plane they have “down time” which means they are hanging out, not doing much, waiting for a plane.The plane my husband is on is nicknamed FRED, an acronym for which I can’t write on this site, but it basically means it is breaking down all the time. I have a whole scrapbook which I made for him of all his exciting trips around the world, yes relaxing on beaches, swimimin in an endless pool next to the ocean in a four star hotel in Guam sipping a mixed drink…Shopping at Herrods in London, He went on a two day sight seeing trip to Rome and actually complained about it. That is not even half the world tour. When he is working, he is working very hard, crew rest is for sleeping, but in his “down time” he is practically on vacation, often literally.

I know when my husband gets back from work, he can be really stressed. I sometimes forget that. If it were the middle of the day, sometimes I may get upset that they can’t just jump in and start helping, after all, I have been doing it all by myself!!! The baby is crying, can’t you hear that and see I am cooking dinner?!? I have been dealing with obstinate kids all day homeschooling, help out will ya and I feel really crappy right now!
But they need that time to readjust to home life. Jumping on your military guy on his first waking moment is not the best way to allow him to readjust his thinking and mindset.

If you actually read my post you would see that I didn’t jump on him or give him any grief I didn’t ambush him. I surprised him with a gift after he had a full night’s rest, shower and shave. I let him have all the rest he wanted during the day, and didn’t even mention my disappointment to him until the day after Valentine’s Day, because I knew he was having down load time, (jet lag, TDY mentality etc.) Also, I knew he had time in Germany so assumed that if he was getting me something he would have done it then.

 

[Peace-bwu]

Okay, and here are the Dr. Lauraish questions that could be completely off track but should be asked. The question you need to ask is did you have a reason, consciously or subconsciouly to try to stifle the romance? Not wanting more kids, ie. don’t chance it with sex? Mad at him for not paying enough attention and wanted to hold onto the anger? (These scenarios are not necessarily even close to you. But you need to ask what is going on in your life that would make you set him up to fail you in this way.)

You are completely off base here. Perhaps that is what you are experiencing in your marriage and are projecting? I have my uterus and intestines and bladder literally falling out and need a hysterectomy. and reconstructive surgery. I have been devastated since I found out. I am waiting for that surgery at Johns Hopkins. I would be willing to risk my life to have another baby. If you had read any of my other posts you would not be pretending to be DR Laura. We still have sex, even with my problems, and I initiate it as much as he, and it is still great for both of us. When talking about “romance” I didn’t necessarily mean sex, (we couldn’t do that during the day with our three children anyway.)

What is going on in my life is that I am waking up every morning feeling like someone punched me in the stomach and go through the entire day in pain throughout my entire digestive system. Still I would love to have more babies and cannot.

I don’t quite understand where you get that I set him up to fail?

Did I send him on a trip? Did I invent St. Valentines Day? I did everythign in my power to make the day really special, I won’t repeat what I did because it is in above posts. He did nothing except play the games all day and yell at the kids, getting the occasional juice or helping with a math problem.

I wasn’t so much angry as hurt at what is staring me right in the face. He knows everything I am facing, and of all the St. Valentines days of all our years, this one is the year I could have used it the most and he did nothing.

The reason why I started this thread is Every woman I am friends with in real life, is going through a divorce right now, so I couldn’t talk to them about it. I can’t talk to my mom because she knows what I go through when he’s on trips and I knew she would be very negative toward him about it. I talked to her on Valentine’s Day and she asked what he got for me, I said “well nothing” and she started going off on a rant, so I stopped her. I thought maybe somebody at Catholic Answers could relate or tell me something that would make me laugh, or encourage,
and most of you have, Thanks,

PS, he was much better today and made up for it, so all is well.

 

[Peace-bwu]

Give him “The Five Love Languages”. It’s one of those books that I think that every married couple should read. It’s plain old common sense that we just can’t see until we read it. Our marriage is even better than it was before. Sometimes we all fall into the forgetting to show appreciation syndrome. It’s natural when you’ve been married so long. This book gives a real window into how our spouse thinks.

Thanks I will check that out! I have a friend who has mentioned that book before. I bet it is at the library!

 

[Peace-bwu]

Chovy:

Put me down as another person that is in a funk. My husband had told me weeks ago that he had the perfect present lined up for me. He said it was the best gift he had ever gotten for me. Well, he did have something nice picked out but he failed to actually contact the person that was selling it in time and thus had nothing to give me. Instead, he stopped at Walgreens on his way home and got me…

A stuffed, hard, monkey wearing a yellow slicker and red boxer shorts that sings a really loud and long sound while animatedly flashing me. It is such a horrid gift that I thought it was a joke. He left it on its cardboard wrapper with the price written on it.

He did get me a card but stopped in the hallway to write “Love Kevin” immediately before giving it to me.

I’ve been ticked off at him all day but there’s nothing I can do. I already told him of my disappointment and mentioned other things that in the future would have made for better last minute gifts. So I’ll just stew away, but it’s gotta be quietly because I’m fertile this week and I can’t have him mad at me back.

What I need to do is lower my expectations for the next time.

I don’t mean to laugh at your Valentine’s day misery, but your story is totally cracking me up. I can just picture that monkey!

Maybe with all that fertility talk, he will give you a forever Valentine, the gift that keeps on giving!

and who knows, your future child might just LOVE that monkey, so maybe it won’t got to waste after all. I do pity you though if that is the case, because you would have to hear the loud monkey all the time!

 

[Peace-bwu]

alaskaaggies:

PBWU, I can relate.

When my husband comes back TDY and is particularly stressed about something, it is much easier for him not to “plug back in” (his term) to the family right away. When he’s gone, he only has to think about the mission at hand and his schedule. When he comes back, he has us and the office. Suspenses that need to be met at work, kids that need attention and a wife that could use some too. Maybe it is just easier for him to zone out for a bit instead of facing what’s going on right now. The fact that today was St. Valentines Day just made it all the more obvious.

Sounds like (from what little I’ve read) that you two have a very good relationship. I’d talk to him about it. Let him know that while you understand his stress about y’all’s current situation, you really need his attention, love, help… whatever.

I’m glad you’re such the wonderful supportive wife that you are. It takes a lot of love and emotional energy, that’s for sure. God bless you for that!

You are right on target for sure. It was the normal “zone out” after TDY" thing, which I am usually patient with, but this particular time I just really wanted him to forego it. The whole day I was trying to talk myself out of being disapppointed, but by late afternoon I was seriously sad, but didnt’ want to say anything till next day, due to the TDY recovery.

You are right on target, Thanks.

 

[Peace-bwu]

Kay Cee:

You are very much not alone.

I didn’t have the opportunity to get my husband anything over the weekend since I was very ill with a bad cold. Only yesterday did I feel well enough to go anywhere, though I was weak from being sick. I had lots of errands that absolutely had to be run, but I still managed to make a special trip to get my husband a card and a gift for Valentine’s Day, even though all I wanted to do was go back to bed.

He gave me a card. No gift. His explanation was that he didn’t have time.

So now I’m confused. He certainly had plenty of time this weekend and he did buy things for himself and the kids then. He had time to go to a store to get the card (but apparently not time to pick up anything else?)

I’ve been in a funk about it all day. He knows what I like, so finding something shouldn’t be a problem (He knows a box of chocolates will always do). I know he didn’t forget about Valentine’s Day since he got the card.

I don’t get it.

Awww… I know exactly what you mean, why didn’t he just spring for the box of chocolate while buying the card? Or heck, even a hard monkey in a yellow raincoat who flashes you and makes loads of obnoxious noise???

I hope you are feeling better.

 

[wacky_wonderful]

Did all you married ladies get a card or gift or a special treat for St. Valentine’s Day? Is this just something that happens after being together, comfortable and happy for so long? Do some people just stop trying to make the other feel appreciated and loved on days like St. Valentines Day (which is also our anniversary)

Your post really hit home with me. Ouch. I remember…boy, do I remember. I’ve been divorced nearly 3 years now. Why is it that when you are dating they can come through with flying colors? Then, after marriage, it all fizzles. A friend told me that I treated my husband too well, that he took me for granted. She’s been married 45 years. Maybe there’s something to that. My ex used to bring me nearly dead flowers that he found in the dumpster where he worked. For my birthday one year he bought me a Hershey bar and a generic card and threw them on my lap (they were in a brown sack) as he walked by. One Christmas the only gift I received was a set of measuring cups. I never treated him so badly. You know, like you, I would have been thrilled with a heartfelt hug, sincere words and a look of love coming from him. Never got it. I think men treat that which they value with great care. Once married, they know you’re not going anywhere, especially with kids and having made a committment. So, they get lazy.

 

[bjj]

Here’s my husband’s quote, “It’s just a merchant’s holiday.” Without saying it, I think you know I didn’t get anything, not a wish, card or a coffee. But I did get a ‘I love you’ last night, the night before, yesterday morning, this morning, as I do everyday. Yes, it would be nice to see his appreciation, but it’s not going to happen. Unfortunately, I do agree, it is a man made holiday!

 

[Halo]

Peace,

Sorry to hear about your health problems.
I was thinking that because you are obviously emotionally upset right now with all that is coming up soon ,that perhaps that has spilled over into other areas of your life too. Maybe in the past you wouldn’t have taken things so much to heart.? You sound like you can enjoy a joke etc and sound very calm and thoughtful. I think that this year you have so much on your plate that everything seems sad right now.

Plus heres another little observation I’ve made. After playing or indeed while playing Playstation I have noticed my children seem in another world and can get a bit angry, at having to stop game etc. I wonder if the inactivity of just sitting there affects the mood? Just a thought?

 

[Peace-bwu]

Your post really hit home with me. Ouch. I’ve been divorced nearly 3 years now. Why is it that when you are dating they can come through with flying colors? Then, after marriage, it all fizzles. A friend told me that I treated my husband too well, that he took me for granted. She’s been married 45 years. Maybe there’s something to that. My ex used to bring me nearly dead flowers that he found in the dumpster where he worked. For my birthday one year he bought me a Hershey bar and a generic card and threw them on my lap (they were in a brown sack) as he walked by. One Christmas the only gift I received was a set of measuring cups. I never treated him so badly. You know, like you, I would have been thrilled with a heartfelt hug, sincere words and a look of love coming from him. Never got it. I think men treat that which they value with great care. Once married, they know you’re not going anywhere, especially with kids and having made a committment. So, they get lazy.

He does give me hugs and stuff, but usually only when he is having a bad day or needs support. When I need a hug I have to ask for it. I have to ask for any kind of affection, unlike the early days.

We used to share heartfelt gazes, but now he tells me to stop looking at him. A girl can tell when a man is “into her.” He really “dug me” until a couple of years ago, I stared noticing a huge difference.

I guess with the changes I see, I am afraid it will keep dwindling.

The concept of treating him too well also rings of some truth. He is used to being lavished with attention and me being attuned to his needs and fulfilling them. and I know no other way to be a spouse. He knows nothing else, which is theoretically a good thing, but could also create a monster, I am really good at keeping him happy, because he is a nighmare when unhappy. To be honest, he can be very nice, but his temper is a bit scarey. He spent the whole summer being unhappy because he wasn’t flying oversease missions as much, and treated me with distain I had never experienced with him before. It was devastating. He was angry and yelling and hateful for several months, very oppressive. So that is when I said that I would rather have him leaving for weeks at a time and be happy, than home more and be an unbearable presence for the kids and myself. So I am just in this balancing act trying to keep everything running smoothly and my kids in a supportive, loving environment.

You can always tell when he is gone or in a mean funk because I am at Catholic Answers more.

He hasn’t done any of the totally awful things like your X did, such as give me half dead flowers, he knows that it would only make me unhappy and that would be more work for him. He knows how to dole out just enough to make me think he roped the moon.

My complaint is that he puts his Air Force career ahead of his family’s best interests and stability. If it weren’t for me managing everything at the cost of all the things I wanted out of life (education, career, my own home, the ability to support myself financially, hobbies, friends, extended family, health, ) There is no good balance in our marriage, it is all for him. I have been talking to him about it, but all it is doing is making things worse. It wasn’t like that until a few years ago. He has allowed our living situation and homelife to be sacrificed at the alter of the almighty air force. He says that he does it for God, but lately I wonder if God might have another plan for us that he is not open to. I usually keep up with the pace, and still am keeping up but I can tell a huge change in my health and well being. I have been talking with him about this for a few years, but he loves his job, and he is allowing me to take the brunt of the fallback, because he wants to have it all and refuses to compromise… Ironically that is one of the things I loved about him when we were dating, and early in our marriage, I just never foresaw that he would use me to get what he wants, at the expense me being able to have anything at all.

He knows how to say and do just enough to keep me working at my maximum potential, just like an efficient boss would do. He is the Boss of the house and I am his trusted employee who runs the business while he makes all the decisions and refuses to give me a raise and the benefits are not increasing with inflation ( not necessarily talking about money) I’m stuck in the office without windows to manage the monkeys while he travels the world on an expense allowance, getting lots of praise and reward. I have put in my time so have tenure, and like the job an benefits just enough to not risk anything, so I won’t lose my retirement.

Thats all a metaphore for the dynamics of our marriage, but the retirement thing is not a pun. I can’t wait until 8-10 years when he retires becuase maybe then I can do some of the things I have always dreamed of, and thought I would have done by now.

 

[kellyb32]

I know what you mean! Take heart…my husband made sure he “forgot” our 10th wedding anniversary (4 years ago) because he was mad at me, then he blamed me for not reminding him about it.

I still don’t let him forget that one

This year for Valentines day…I got squat as usual but just yesterday he did bring me home a great big box of whitman’s sampler that was 50% off at K-mart. I laughed and told him at least he was being smart with the money and a late gift is better than no gift.

Wanna know what I got him? A great card (okay, not so great it was just a simple I love you card) with this inside: chick.com/reading/tracts/0085/0085_01.asp

We have an ongoing joke together about Jack Chick. I work at a Christian bookstore where we sell Chick tracts. I couldn’t resist.

My husband just about fell to the floor laughing when he opened his card and the love story tract fell out. What better gift to give than the gift of condemnation? :whacky: That’s just another inside joke with us BTW hehehehe

 

[Peace-bwu]

Peace,

Sorry to hear about your health problems.
I was thinking that because you are obviously emotionally upset right now with all that is coming up soon ,that perhaps that has spilled over into other areas of your life too. Maybe in the past you wouldn’t have taken things so much to heart.? You sound like you can enjoy a joke etc and sound very calm and thoughtful. I think that this year you have so much on your plate that everything seems sad right now.

Yes you have a very good point. That is exactly why I am more sensitive.

He and I have so much going on that you are right, it is spilling over. Aside from the health problems, he is also trying to get orders for another base, where he will have the same job, only will have no overseas missions, so will be home more for three years. We are hoping it can restore some much needed balance in our marriage, where it’s not all on me all the time and I can do some things I would like to do.

Plus heres another little observation I’ve made. After playing or indeed while playing Playstation I have noticed my children seem in another world and can get a bit angry, at having to stop game etc. I wonder if the inactivity of just sitting there affects the mood? Just a thought?

Yes you are right about that too. I noticed it and when he was being so cranky with the children interrupting him, I mentioned that he needed a break from the PSP because it might be making him irritable. Still, he just couldn’t seem to put it down,

 

[Peace-bwu]

kellyb32:

This year for Valentines day…I got squat as usual but just yesterday he did bring me home a great big box of whitman’s sampler that was 50% off at K-mart. I laughed and told him at least he was being smart with the money and a late gift is better than no gift.

Wanna know what I got him? A great card (okay, not so great it was just a simple I love you card) with this inside: chick.com/reading/tracts/0085/0085_01.asp

We have an ongoing joke together about Jack Chick. I work at a Christian bookstore where we sell Chick tracts. I couldn’t resist.

My husband just about fell to the floor laughing when he opened his card and the love story tract fell out. What better gift to give than the gift of condemnation? :whacky: That’s just another inside joke with us BTW hehehehe

Jack Chick tract? That is HILARIOUS At least you seem to make a joke about it.

From early marriage he would throw his dirty socks in the living room floor and leave them there. At first it was really frustrating, but then I decided… “well, if the socks are there, that means he is here, which means he loves me…” I told him that and for the past 10 years he will toss his socks in the floor and with a sly grin and say “I love you” so now when my son does it I say “well YOUR son must love me too.” Might as well joke about it.

 

[Peace-bwu]

bjj:

Here’s my husband’s quote, “It’s just a merchant’s holiday.” Without saying it, I think you know I didn’t get anything, not a wish, card or a coffee. But I did get a ‘I love you’ last night, the night before, yesterday morning, this morning, as I do everyday. Yes, it would be nice to see his appreciation, but it’s not going to happen. Unfortunately, I do agree, it is a man made holiday!

The Catholic Church no longer officially honors St. Valentine, but the holiday has both Roman and Catholic roots.

The Origins of St. Valentine’s Day

A quick quiz: St. Valentine was:

a) a priest in the Roman Empire who helped persecuted Christians during the reign of Claudius II, was thrown in jail and later beheaded on Feb. 14.

b) a Catholic bishop of Terni who was beheaded, also during the reign of Claudius II.

c) someone who secretly married couples when marriage was forbidden, or suffered in Africa, or wrote letters to his jailer’s daughter, and was probably beheaded.

d) all, some, or possibly none of the above.

If you guessed d), give yourself a box of chocolates. Although the mid-February holiday celebrating love and lovers remains wildly popular, the confusion over its origins led the Catholic Church, in 1969, to drop St. Valentine’s Day from the Roman calendar of official, worldwide Catholic feasts. (Those highly sought-after days are reserved for saints with more clear historical record. After all, the saints are real individuals for us to imitate.) Some parishes, however, observe the feast of St. Valentine.

The roots of St. Valentine’s Day lie in the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia, which was celebrated on Feb. 15. For 800 years the Romans had dedicated this day to the god Lupercus. On Lupercalia, a young man would draw the name of a young woman in a lottery and would then keep the woman as a sexual companion for the year.

Pope Gelasius I was, understandably, less than thrilled with this custom. So he changed the lottery to have both young men and women draw the names of saints whom they would then emulate for the year (a change that no doubt disappointed a few young men). Instead of Lupercus, the patron of the feast became Valentine. For Roman men, the day continued to be an occasion to seek the affections of women, and it became a tradition to give out handwritten messages of admiration that included Valentine’s name.

There was also a conventional belief in Europe during the Middle Ages that birds chose their partners in the middle of February. Thus the day was dedicated to love, and people observed it by writing love letters and sending small gifts to their beloved. Legend has it that Charles, duke of Orleans, sent the first real Valentine card to his wife in 1415, when he was imprisoned in the Tower of London. (He, however, was not beheaded, and died a half-century later of old age.)

More Resources
I’d Like to Say: St. Valentine Is More Than Cards and Candy Hearts
Who Was St. Valentine?
Send a Valentine’s Day e-Greeting

“From your Valentine”
So there is a real and religious meaning for the Holy day, but just like Christmas, merchants and our secular society have turned it into a merchants money making day.

St. Valentine’s Day is also the anniversary of when DH and I started dating in 1991 when we were in highschool. So the day holds special meaning in our relationship.

 

[Kay_Cee]

Peace-bwu:

Awww… I know exactly what you mean, why didn’t he just spring for the box of chocolate while buying the card? Or heck, even a hard monkey in a yellow raincoat who flashes you and makes loads of obnoxious noise???

I hope you are feeling better.

Well, we had a long talk about it yesterday. He spent most of it apologizing.

Apparently he had forgotten over the weekend that Valentine’s Day was coming up–which explains him buying all kinds of stuff for himself and the kids then and nothing for me. Okay, I can grant that people don’t forget things on purpose.

He said he didn’t have time Monday and Tuesday because he wanted to get me candy from See’s. He comes home for lunch, so he didn’t have time then, and he claims the line would have been an hour long either at lunchtime or after work. That’s why he only had time to get a card.

So I did get a pound of See’s Candy yesterday. According to my husband, he wasn’t the only guy there buying some that day.

So all is forgiven–although I admit I am glad I didn’t end up with one of those monkeys!

 

[MariaG]

Where did you set him up to fail?

By Ambushing him. He came home at 11pm, got up, took and shower and you gave him your gift. Maybe your guy can readjust to home life while sleeping but I don’t know many who can. If yours does, you are truly fortunate.

And you said he has forgotten before. By giving him his present first thing in the morning before he could step out and even get a paper (and maybe a card that he forgot because he was a complete bonehead) you give him his gift right away, making sure he can’t go and get something. Since he had done this before, the possiblility that he had done it again, is high or at least possible, even if he had 3 days of down time.

A better book to buy, instead of giving him one to read would be Dr. Laura’s Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I have never heard of someone divorcing because their spouse treated them too well. Especially those in the military, police or fire.

Most women who I have known or read about with health problems either have too much constant daily pain to allow them to even be close to being in the mood, or just plain pain during sex. One friend in particular talked about how she has stopped wanting to initiate sex at all even though she enjoyed it and it did not hurt but she bleed for 2 weeks, heavily every time she had it. She said she unconsciously found ways to get mad at her hubby so she could avoid sex altogether until she got her hysterectomy.

That is why I brought up the possibility. You took it as refering only to kids, I was just trying to bring up possible unconscious reasons that you would set him up to fail and therefore not have to have sex on the Romance day of Feb. 14. Avoiding sex for health reasons is a big one that most close friends are afraid to mention, since the response can be quite negative even if it is only brought up as a possibility. I figured this forum is a good place to do it since you can place me on ignore if you truly think I am trying to be offensive or rude instead of trying to help.

You think I may be “projecting”. Nope, just bringing up possibilities that you may not have thought of. My one friend said it took her 4 months to realize what she had been doing. She ended up divorced because by the time she realized what she had been doing, and tried to “fix it” he had unplugged from the marriage and wasn’t willing to try to plug back in. Which makes it even more critical for those in military, fire and police to figure out quickly if the wife is unconsciously doing things that will make it harder for our guys to plug back in to family life after their stressful jobs. They regularly “unplug” and have to plug back in.

God Bless,
Maria

 

[Peace-bwu]

I know there have been times when I bought really awful gifts for my husband (well at the time, boyfriend) When we were in college I asked what he wanted for Christmas. He said,
“You know me, I like toys.”

“Really?” I said, puzzled… “Toys?”

So I went to a high end toy store and did some shopping, bought a gyroscope, some board games and pocket air hockey, and various hacky sack/ strange balls etc. for his dorm. The same year, my mom went through a toy buying phase and bought all of us “toys” like collectable Barbies, she actually bought a Polly Pocket for me, which I thought was a bit strange.

Anyway, it wasn’t until months, maybe years later, when i bought him a huge Craftsman tool collection that he admitted that when he asked for “toys” he really meant *man *toys like electronics and tools, or other cool gadgets. I took it a bit too literally.

That year, my boyfriend’s toy request had a chain reaction affect. My mom saw that I was buying toys for my boyfriend, so thought “Wow what a great idea, they all must want toys!” Meanwhile my husband (boyfriend) is thinking “OK, this must be what this *crazy *family does, buy loads of toys every year.” So thiking that, he started buying stuffed animals for me for the next few years… and I was like… “Gee thanks, another stuffed animal to add to the every growing zoo population.”

The great thing is, we laugh about it, and our children play with all the toys, so non of them go to waste… My daughters expecially enjoy my polly pocket from mom.

My family has a true appreciation for the gag gifts so mom still buys toys for my bro. annd sisters now and then.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Peace-bwu:

I know there have been times when I bought really awful gifts for my husband (well at the time, boyfriend) When we were in college I asked what he wanted for Christmas. He said,
“You know me, I like toys.”

“Really?” I said, puzzled… “Toys?”

So I went to a high end toy store and did some shopping, bought a gyroscope, some board games and pocket air hockey, and various hacky sack/ strange balls etc. for his dorm. The same year, my mom went through a toy buying phase and bought all of us “toys” like collectable Barbies, she actually bought a Polly Pocket for me, which I thought was a bit strange.

Anyway, it wasn’t until months, maybe years later, when i bought him a huge Craftsman tool collection that he admitted that when he asked for “toys” he really meant *man *toys like electronics and tools, or other cool gadgets. I took it a bit too literally.

That year, my boyfriend’s toy request had a chain reaction affect. My mom saw that I was buying toys for my boyfriend, so thought “Wow what a great idea, they all must want toys!” Meanwhile my husband (boyfriend) is thinking “OK, this must be what this *crazy *family does, buy loads of toys every year.” So thiking that, he started buying stuffed animals for me for the next few years… and I was like… “Gee thanks, another stuffed animal to add to the every growing zoo population.”

The great thing is, we laugh about it, and our children play with all the toys, so non of them go to waste… My daughters expecially enjoy my polly pocket from mom.

My family has a true appreciation for the gag gifts so mom still buys toys for my bro. annd sisters now and then.

That is a great story! Too funny!

 

[Peace-bwu]

MariaG:

Where did you set him up to fail?

By Ambushing him. He came home at 11pm, got up, took and shower and you gave him your gift. Maybe your guy can readjust to home life while sleeping but I don’t know many who can. If yours does, you are truly fortunate.

And you said he has forgotten before. By giving him his present first thing in the morning before he could step out and even get a paper (and maybe a card that he forgot because he was a complete bonehead) you give him his gift right away, making sure he can’t go and get something. Since he had done this before, the possiblility that he had done it again, is high or at least possible, even if he had 3 days of down time.

A better book to buy, instead of giving him one to read would be Dr. Laura’s Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I have never heard of someone divorcing because their spouse treated them too well. Especially those in the military, police or fire.

Most women who I have known or read about with health problems either have too much constant daily pain to allow them to even be close to being in the mood, or just plain pain during sex. One friend in particular talked about how she has stopped wanting to initiate sex at all even though she enjoyed it and it did not hurt but she bleed for 2 weeks, heavily every time she had it. She said she unconsciously found ways to get mad at her hubby so she could avoid sex altogether until she got her hysterectomy.

That is why I brought up the possibility. You took it as refering only to kids, I was just trying to bring up possible unconscious reasons that you would set him up to fail and therefore not have to have sex on the Romance day of Feb. 14. Avoiding sex for health reasons is a big one that most close friends are afraid to mention, since the response can be quite negative even if it is only brought up as a possibility. I figured this forum is a good place to do it since you can place me on ignore if you truly think I am trying to be offensive or rude instead of trying to help.

You think I may be “projecting”. Nope, just bringing up possibilities that you may not have thought of. My one friend said it took her 4 months to realize what she had been doing. She ended up divorced because by the time she realized what she had been doing, and tried to “fix it” he had unplugged from the marriage and wasn’t willing to try to plug back in. Which makes it even more critical for those in military, fire and police to figure out quickly if the wife is unconsciously doing things that will make it harder for our guys to plug back in to family life after their stressful jobs. They regularly “unplug” and have to plug back in.

God Bless,
Maria

Divorce is not an issue, no problems in the bedroom, Giving him a nice Valentines day gift on Valentines day was not a set up nor did it have anything behind it other than wanting to give him a nice gift, which he totally appreciated and played with all day. It helped with the 'download" time, because he had a new toy to play with. I actually planned it that way. I go out of my way to facilitate his “plugging back in” I am well accustomed to living that successfully, but was a little sad this time that he couldn’t make an exception and give a little more, and I didnt 'expect him to play the game all day, but I’m over it,.

My sadness stems from everything I have going on from health problems to military life draining me and watching it have a bad affect on my family. It made me really sad that he didn’t take the time to do somethign nice for Valentines day, but he did something nice the next day. So all square. We have also been checking off our “must do” list to cut through as much stress as possible. We are waiting for orders (to move where, when how, etc.) and we want to have my surgery done before then. I am also doubling up on homeschool and doing school on saturdays so that the surgery/move won’t put us behind. They will be going to a mainstream school next year so we don’t want to have to do school in the summer. They are in the 4th quarter of their curriculum now so we are in the homestretch. Once they finish we will just give them educational games, books and art projects to pass the time.

Hopefully the move I have talked about will make things easier on our family where he can have his career but also give me a little balance. I’ve been running a marathon for at least 7 years, and would rather remedy the problem than crash and have worse problems years down the line, or let it become a point of resentment. I would much rather recognize problems and repair them if possible before they become bigger problems.