Our first argument over religion

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leamar3

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I would’ve never thought my husband would have said it, but this evening he said that he’s worried that my rekindled passion for religion will tear us apart. I’m currently a Methodist, but I’m considering converting, and he no longer attends church. I told him the other day that I’m really worried that because he doesn’t go to church, and he doesn’t have any faith that he won’t have salvation. He said that I think that I’m better than he is and it’s going to drive us apart. I was almost confident enough to contact a local parish to find out about RCIA, but now I don’t know what to do. How can my need to feel closer to God make my husband feel like I’m above him? Are there any believers out there married to non-believers? How do you cope with the gut wrenching worry that your loved one won’t make of to heaven without coming off “stuck up”?
 
I’ve been married to a non-believer for many years. In the interest of family unity, he attends Mass with me every Sunday that he is home - although I know he doesn’t believe a word of it. My strategy is to simply pray for him and leave it in God’s hands.

In my experience, there is no way to tell someone that you’re worried about them going to hell without sounding “stuck up.”
 
Perhaps explain to him that you consider yourself the chief of sinners (such is what the Saints considered themselves to be). That is a good reason to seek out God’s forgiveness and being obedient to Him. In this way you are humbling yourself before your husband and show that you don’t think of yourself as “above him”.
 
BettyBoop416 said:
I’ve been married to a non-believer for many years. In the interest of family unity, he attends Mass with me every Sunday that he is home - although I know he doesn’t believe a word of it. My strategy is to simply pray for him and leave it in God’s hands.

In my experience, there is no way to tell someone that you’re worried about them going to hell without sounding “stuck up.”
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You and your partner are not going to hell. Hell is not a literal place
 
aprilfloyd said:
You and your partner are not going to hell. Hell is not a literal place
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Just because you disbelieve someplace doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Please don’t drop inflammatory bombs – which very few devoted posters here believe anyway – in wholly inappropriate places on this board. It’s EXTREMELY insulting to folks, including OP, who’s come here for legitimate advice. Since you appear to not have any to offer…why not just be quiet?

OP, I like the idea of saying you’re the chief sinner. That sounds about as good advice as I can think of. That, and saying that you just want to get closer to God…which IMHO sounds better than telling someone else you think they’re in danger of going to hell.
 
aprilfloyd said:
Just offering some support, hell is a catholic belief not a literal place
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I beg to differ.From the Catechism of the Catholic Church (unlike’ from the mouth of an anonymous poster):

**. HELL **

1033 We cannot be united with God unless we freely choose to love him. But we cannot love God if we sin gravely against him, against our neighbor or against ourselves: "He who does not love remains in death. Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him."612 Our Lord warns us that we shall be separated from him if we fail to meet the serious needs of the poor and the little ones who are his brethren.613 To die in mortal sin without repenting and accepting God’s merciful love means remaining separated from him for ever by our own free choice. This state of definitive self-exclusion from communion with God and the blessed is called “hell.”
1034 Jesus often speaks of “Gehenna” of “the unquenchable fire” reserved for those who to the end of their lives refuse to believe and be converted, where both soul and body can be lost.614 Jesus solemnly proclaims that he "will send his angels, and they will gather . . . all evil doers, and throw them into the furnace of fire,"615 and that he will pronounce the condemnation: "Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire!"616
[1035](javascript:openWindow(‘cr/1035.htm’)😉 The teaching of the Church affirms the existence of hell and its eternity. Immediately after death the souls of those who die in a state of mortal sin descend into hell, where they suffer the punishments of hell, "eternal fire."617 The chief punishment of hell is eternal separation from God, in whom alone man can possess the life and happiness for which he was created and for which he longs.
[1036](javascript:openWindow(‘cr/1036.htm’)😉 The affirmations of Sacred Scripture and the teachings of the Church on the subject of hell are a call to the responsibility incumbent upon man to make use of his freedom in view of his eternal destiny. They are at the same time an urgent call to conversion: "Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is easy, that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard, that leads to life, and those who find it are few."618
Since we know neither the day nor the hour, we should follow the advice of the Lord and watch constantly so that, when the single course of our earthly life is completed, we may merit to enter with him into the marriage feast and be numbered among the blessed, and not, like the wicked and slothful servants, be ordered to depart into the eternal fire, into the outer darkness where "men will weep and gnash their teeth."619

[1037](javascript:openWindow(‘cr/1037.htm’)😉 God predestines no one to go to hell;620 for this, a willful turning away from God (a mortal sin) is necessary, and persistence in it until the end. In the Eucharistic liturgy and in the daily prayers of her faithful, the Church implores the mercy of God, who does not want “any to perish, but all to come to repentance”:621
Father, accept this offering
from your whole family.
Grant us your peace in this life,
save us from final damnation,
and count us among those you have chosen.622
 
Be faithful to God and pray for your husband.

“To the married I give charge, not I but the Lord, that the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, let her remain single or else be reconciled to her husband) and that the husband should not divorce his wife. To the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is consecrated through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is consecrated through her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner desires to separate, let it be so; in such a case the brother or sister is not bound. For God has called us to peace. Wife, how do you know whether you will save your husband? Husband, how do you know whether you will save your wife? Only, let every one lead the life which the Lord has assigned to him, and in which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches.” (1 Cor 7:10-17)
 
PolarGuy said:
Just because you disbelieve someplace doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Please don’t drop inflammatory bombs – which very few devoted posters here believe anyway – in wholly inappropriate places on this board. It’s EXTREMELY insulting to folks, including OP, who’s come here for legitimate advice. Since you appear to not have any to offer…why not just be quiet?

OP, I like the idea of saying you’re the chief sinner. That sounds about as good advice as I can think of. That, and saying that you just want to get closer to God…which IMHO sounds better than telling someone else you think they’re in danger of going to hell.
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My advice is legitimate and advice is to offer reassurance,
Don’t be so closed minded, Catholicism is about seeking truth and caringfor fell
Men, to scare someone about a hell is inappropriate
 
aprilfloyd said:
My advice is legitimate and advice is to offer reassurance,
Don’t be so closed minded, Catholicism is about seeking truth and caringfor fell
Men, to scare someone about a hell is inappropriate
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Your words are not reassuring and you are misinformed. It is not at all caring to pretend to a person that a consequence ‘doesn’t exist’ because you think if they know it exists, it will be ‘too scary’ for them. This is a grown woman with a legitimate concern for her husband and she needs real information. THAT is true caring.
 
aprilfloyd said:
My advice is legitimate and advice is to offer reassurance,
Don’t be so closed minded, Catholicism is about seeking truth and caringfor fell
Men, to scare someone about a hell is inappropriate
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You cannot reassure someone that hell does not exist based on your own authority. I am Catholic and the op is asking the advice of Catholics. The Catholic Church knows that hell exists.
 
aprilfloyd said:
My advice is legitimate and advice is to offer reassurance,
Don’t be so closed minded, Catholicism is about seeking truth and caringfor fell
Men, to scare someone about a hell is inappropriate
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So… Warning teachers about a shooter is inappropriate? Or sounding fire or tornado alarms is inappropriate? All warn people about very real things.

I agree with PolarGuy. Your posts on this thread are inappropriate for this discussion
 
Razanir said:
So… Warning teachers about a shooter is inappropriate? Or sounding fire or tornado alarms is inappropriate? All warn people about very real things.

I agree with PolarGuy. Your posts on this thread are inappropriate for this discussion
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I second that notion.
 
Dear OP,

please don’t let your husband’s lack of belief keep you away from the church. I think it is very unusual for an unbelieving spouse to be just fine and happy about such a conversion. (The same applies if the spouse is a believer but not Catholic.) There are plenty of us in the same boat. No, it is not easy. Arguments happen. There is resentment, often on both sides.

I have found that the only way to cope is to leave it in God’s hands. Talking religion to a person who is antagonistic never helps, on the contrary, it drives them even further away. Just pray for him and don’t pressure him into anything. Be kind and loving and show him that your new faith will make you a better person and a better wife, and not drive you further apart, as he fears.

As for his salvation, what you can do is limited. You can be a good example and you can pray for him and never lose hope, but you can’t make him believe. Don’t burden yourself with this, because it is not up to you. Just be at peace and trust God.

I hope this has helped a bit. God bless.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Dear OP,

please don’t let your husband’s lack of belief keep you away from the church. I think it is very unusual for an unbelieving spouse to be just fine and happy about such a conversion. (The same applies if the spouse is a believer but not Catholic.) There are plenty of us in the same boat. No, it is not easy. Arguments happen. There is resentment, often on both sides.

I have found that the only way to cope is to leave it in God’s hands. Talking religion to a person who is antagonistic never helps, on the contrary, it drives them even further away. Just pray for him and don’t pressure him into anything. Be kind and loving and show him that your new faith will make you a better person and a better wife, and not drive you further apart, as he fears.

As for his salvation, what you can do is limited. You can be a good example and you can pray for him and never lose hope, but you can’t make him believe. Don’t burden yourself with this, because it is not up to you. Just be at peace and trust God.

I hope this has helped a bit. God bless.
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This. 👍
 
1st Corinthians chapter 7

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

I was married to a non-believer and found comfort in these passages. Especially when she left. I’m not saying your marriage will end. and I pray it doesn’t. But all you can do is pray for him. But realize his free will may stop him from seeing the light. And according to Paul you are called to peace.
 
To the OP: Contra Mundum’s advice is spot on. It may never exactly get easy, but tempers will die down.

It may be too early to discuss this in any detail with him if the mere thought is making him blow up with such responses, but once things are a little more standard it may be worth pointing the parable of the pharisee and the tax collector praying, and say “if I ever start to act like I’m better than you because of this, then you can feel absolutely free to smack me upside the head (figuratively) and tell me I’m following my own faith wrong.”

The parable I’m referencing, from Luke 18:
9 To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”
 
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