October is 7 months away.I am seeking advice on how to deal with an overbearing mother in law and grandmother in law. Both women always tell me, her boys (my husband and his brother)can do no wrong in their eyes. They treat their boys like little boys. They are always in our business, wanting to know every piece of detail of my husband and I lives. I am not prepared for her visit in October. Please help!
1-2 weeks. Yes, it is a long way however I want to prepare myself.October is 7 months away.
How long is your MIL staying?
MIL thinks her son is wonderful–just agree with her lots and have plenty of examples to share of your husband being wonderful.1-2 weeks. Yes, it is a long way however I want to prepare myself.
Good ideas. When she says something about how wonderful her son is, agree and tell her that is why you married him. Most mothers think that way about their children. Grit your teeth. You also might have her make her son’s favorite dish. It would make her feel important and you won’t have to cook that night.MIL thinks her son is wonderful–just agree with her lots and have plenty of examples to share of your husband being wonderful.
Also, unless she’s frail, find jobs for her. For instance, if you have kids at home, grandma can watch them while you and your husband go see a movie or go out to dinner.
Here is the issue. I like to serve, be attentive with my guests. She will be a guest, therefore I will treat as such. I don’t want her to do anything. I am used to doing everything, it would be hard for me to have her do one thing in my home. I don’t want her to perceive me as a certain way either.Good ideas. When she says something about how wonderful her son is, agree and tell her that is why you married him. Most mothers think that way about their children. Grit your teeth. You also might have her make her son’s favorite dish. It would make her feel important and you won’t have to cook that night.
Then what’s the problem?Here is the issue. I like to serve, be attentive with my guests. She will be a guest, therefore I will treat as such. I don’t want her to do anything. I am used to doing everything, it would be hard for me to have her do one thing in my home. I don’t want her to perceive me as a certain way either.
The problem is, she will want to take over and dictate how things will be done in my home and will be overbearing.Then what’s the problem?
You’ll get to wait on her hand and foot for a week or two, just as you like.
Enjoy!
Oh wow. My mother in law and grandmother in law call my husband Johnny. His name is John. When she calls me or talks to me, I simply listen to what she has to say. My husband is amazing to be honest with you and he does have my back however you did bring up good points to address my husband. I think ever since my husband and I have been married, they are jealous. My husband tells me, my mom and granny love you and are happy for us. They adore you. I find that hard to believe. I believe there is a lot of jealousy and the need to control.I have a MIL who is sounds like yours’. One thing I have experienced is that they team up with other women in the family, in my case my SILs and use gossip about you and your life to create bond among themselves. Could that be what’s happening with your MIL and GMIL?
I have gotten clear message from my MIL that my husband can do no wrong. Don’t share any of your husbands shortcomings with her. Don’t have any disagreements, even small ones, like don’t ask him to take out the trash if you know he’s difficult about this type of thing, as long as she is in ear shot.
As for the baby boy treatment. I had that too. Probably about control or jealousy, not letting go of the apron strings. Encourage your husband to stop playing the role of her little boy. That should have ended in the teen years.
In my case it was my MIL calling husband Johnny instead of John. My husband had long stopped adding the “y” to his name. And it was more the way she said the name Johnneee with a high pitched coo like she was talking to a child. He would respond like a child raising the pitch of his his voice and then she would try to get what ever it was she was after.
Encourage you husband to use his adult demeanor. If MIL wants something, encourage husband to always check with you before conceding. He needs to let MIL know by his actions that this is normal protocol in you marriage. Is far as the children go, husband needs to correct her every time, no mom this is how we do it, end of discussion.
I wish I could say to you sit down and have a heart to heart talk with MIL but that never worked that way for me. You do have enough time to find a counselor though, and maybe who could coach you and your husband through a few MIL scenarios.
Well, it sounds like you have a little issue with control, too. You absolutely cannot make your mother-in-law “perceive” you in any particular way. What you can do is identify boundaries to yourself, calmly reinforce them, and graciously give way on issues that really don’t matter. Will it really matter if your mother-in-law rearranges your dinner table, or cleans off a surface that you’ve already cleaned? (Now, if she begins rearranging your kitchen, time to firmly tell her that this is not acceptable.) Xantippe’s right that if you give your mother-in-law areas in which she can do her thing, you’re a bit less likely to have her trying to control the whole household.Here is the issue. I like to serve, be attentive with my guests. She will be a guest, therefore I will treat as such. I don’t want her to do anything. I am used to doing everything, it would be hard for me to have her do one thing in my home. I don’t want her to perceive me as a certain way either.
Annoying yes. Thank you for your words. Please keep me in your prayers.Since she probably won’t change between now and her visit: you need to anticipate her actions and prepare to accept them with grace. It sounds as if she is being incredibly annoying, but not really doing anything sinful to you. Therefore I would encourage you to embrace this cross. Ask Jesus to help you embrace it. Jesus didn’t want His cross either, in fact He asked God to take it away! This is a cross for sure, it may not be a huge cross such as a serious illness but it is indeed a difficult cross. Ask Jesus to help you embrace this cross, reach out and accept it lovingly from God, carry it with grace and ask Him to help you carry it. Rather than carry it with bitterness and anger, carry it with love. Do what you can when your mother-in-law is here to give her as much love as possible I think that will help you. Please be assured of my prayers.
Then let her.The problem is, she will want to take over and dictate how things will be done in my home and will be overbearing.
Right.Well, it sounds like you have a little issue with control, too. You absolutely cannot make your mother-in-law “perceive” you in any particular way. What you can do is identify boundaries to yourself, calmly reinforce them, and graciously give way on issues that really don’t matter. Will it really matter if your mother-in-law rearranges your dinner table, or cleans off a surface that you’ve already cleaned? (Now, if she begins rearranging your kitchen, time to firmly tell her that this is not acceptable.) Xantippe’s right that if you give your mother-in-law areas in which she can do her thing, you’re a bit less likely to have her trying to control the whole household.
Re: Information: You have every right to say, “I don’t want to discuss that” when she begins prying. Use it. It is not rude to limit what information you share. When your mother-in-law criticizes you on what you feed your family, or how you do your housework, or any other decision, keep the conversation brief, courteous, and as devoid of detail as possible. "This is the way it works for our family. What do you think of [new topic]?
Finally: Don’t imagine stressful situations/conversations beforehand. You’ll only work yourself up into a state of tension and resentment even before the visit. Every relative has her virtues and advantages; think of the positives.
Absolutely. No doubt she’ll spoil the grandchildren, and that’s good for them. One caveat: Don’t be afraid to “pull rank” if she undermines your parental authority by, say, restoring a privilege that you had taken away from a misbehaving child. But pick your battles, and as I say, don’t work yourself into a lather before the visit.Then let her.
And then have her babysit while you go out to dinner with your husband or have some other grownup fun.
The plan is to maintain our normal routine. Our children are in school and have a routine from morning and when they get home from school. They are visiting in October, which may or not may not a good time for my husband and I. We had a scare in December 2015 and October will dictate our mood. This is another issue. As much as I don’t want it to be, it could potentially be one. When we visited my mother in law in late October, she was surprised and not too happy about my husband going to bed early with me. I foresee this happening again.Also, you don’t ALL need to be home with your MIL all the time.
For instance, you could go grocery shopping or run errands by yourself (MIL stays with kids) or MIL could go do grocery shopping by herself. (And zip your lips when she brings home “the wrong” stuff.) Or when your husband is home, you can go for a nice walk, do a little yard work, or go to the gym–whatever would be a good excuse for alone time in your particular situation. Naps are nice–if feasible. I also recommend an early bedtime. Once you put the kids to bed and get house stuff done for the night and everything ready for the next morning, there’s no need for you to stay up late entertaining–you can tell everybody goodnight and disappear. There’s no need to go straight to sleep, either.
My current preferred formula for hosting family is 1) planned morning fun 2) lunch together 3) afternoon off 4) dinner together. That’s plenty of togetherness. Also, the grandparents in our family have been staying at hotels for a while (but that does keep visits pretty short).
I’ve known my in-laws for 18 years and I made so many mistakes it’s not even funny. (And so did they, of course.) But you can do better. You’re making a lot of rookie mistakes. Basically, when somebody dangles a shiny object in front of you, you don’t need to bite. Also, remember this is not the Best Daughter-in-Law in the World pageant. You aren’t that important. Your MIL is there primarily to see your husband and any kids you have. Also, bear in mind that she may want to spend some time with just your husband, so try to set up an opportunity for them to do something together.
Good luck!
I don’t think you can control how she perceives you. That is within her. Perhaps you should treat her as part of the family and ask her to help out with things, i.e. don’t treat her like a guest (after all she is part of your husband’s family). I say this with some experience because my MIL (who was great btw) came to live with us after she broke her hip. After treating her as a guest for several months, my DH asked me to give her some jobs to do. Everyone likes to feel needed. So I did and things ran quite smoothly. Did I like the situation? No, but we learn with a few years on us to adapt to the situation. After all, it is only 1-2 weeks and then you can go back to doing things your way. And above all, don’t let her see that she is getting under your skin.Here is the issue. I like to serve, be attentive with my guests. She will be a guest, therefore I will treat as such. I don’t want her to do anything. I am used to doing everything, it would be hard for me to have her do one thing in my home. I don’t want her to perceive me as a certain way either.
“Husband has an early morning, MIL!”The plan is to maintain our normal routine. Our children are in school and have a routine from morning and when they get home from school. They are visiting in October, which may or not may not a good time for my husband and I. We had a scare in December 2015 and October will dictate our mood. This is another issue. As much as I don’t want it to be, it could potentially be one. When we visited my mother in law in late October, she was surprised and not too happy about my husband going to bed early with me. I foresee this happening again.
Right. I think anybody who stays longer than a weekend should expect to have some jobs–and a lot of people expect it.I don’t think you can control how she perceives you. That is within her. Perhaps you should treat her as part of the family and ask her to help out with things, i.e. don’t treat her like a guest (after all she is part of your husband’s family). I say this with some experience because my MIL (who was great btw) came to live with us after she broke her hip. After treating her as a guest for several months, my DH asked me to give her some jobs to do. Everyone likes to feel needed. So I did and things ran quite smoothly. Did I like the situation? No, but we learn with a few years on us to adapt to the situation. After all, it is only 1-2 weeks and then you can go back to doing things your way. And above all, don’t let her see that she is getting under your skin.