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ymartinez1015
Guest
She is not toxic however she can be overbearing and can say inappropriate. I like how you phrased “We…” I will bring this up to my husband.
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SuperLuigi
Guest
This thread seems much more productive than the newer one.
I suggest sticking to this one.
I suggest sticking to this one.
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PhiloMed
Guest
Not really. The only concrete examples we’ve gotten is that MIL calls DH “Johnny” and that she likes to do things around the house. Still doesn’t make sense why this is causin so much angst.This thread seems much more productive than the newer one.
I suggest sticking to this one.
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ymartinez1015
Guest
She guilt trips my husband and plays the role of “poor me, you have forgotten about your mom.” She wil ask my husband if he is still in love.
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ela2
Guest
Does it bother him or make him feel guilty? If so then he should tell her, not you. If she doesn’t respect it, then…keep distance… Distance always makes people try to be better so they can be accepted again.
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PhiloMed
Guest
Ok I’ll just come out and say it since everyone else is dancing around it.
You’re way overreacting and need to get a grip.
It doesn’t sound like she’s way out of the ordinary from most MIL’s and if her quirks are so
Bothersome your husband should tell her to just cool her jets. He loves her just the same even if he doesn’t call her every day.
I mean good grief if everyone got worked up about a MIL who behaved like this then there would be discord with 90% of in-law relationships.
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SuperLuigi
Guest
Oh, I am sorry to hear that again!
Also, I am sorry for the not-so-nice-advice you have been getting on here.
Sadly, it’s not an uncommon occurrence.
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mommy_k
Guest
I posted on the other thread that your MIL is perhaps using veiled insults under the facade of niceness.
When she calls your husband Johnny-she is letting you and your husband know that he was hers first. OK-no big deal, of course he was.
When she comments about the bedtime-she is stating that there is something wrong with that.
When she asks if you are still in love-she is stating that she has the authority to ask this, (and she does not). She is also implying to you both that there are things going on that make love fade.
When she reminds your husband that “he has a mother” she is playing the victim, stating he is somehow neglecting her.
On the other thread-she said she is looking forward to judging your cooking-after challenging you to a cooking contest. With that comment-she already told you she cooks better.
With someone like this, you need to let things either roll off your back or ask-at that moment-why she is saying this–with a smile. Question her nicely. I would not get into a battle with her…she puts up a very nice facade, and you will end up looking like the one with the problem—like in the above posts.
When she calls your husband Johnny-she is letting you and your husband know that he was hers first. OK-no big deal, of course he was.
When she comments about the bedtime-she is stating that there is something wrong with that.
When she asks if you are still in love-she is stating that she has the authority to ask this, (and she does not). She is also implying to you both that there are things going on that make love fade.
When she reminds your husband that “he has a mother” she is playing the victim, stating he is somehow neglecting her.
On the other thread-she said she is looking forward to judging your cooking-after challenging you to a cooking contest. With that comment-she already told you she cooks better.
With someone like this, you need to let things either roll off your back or ask-at that moment-why she is saying this–with a smile. Question her nicely. I would not get into a battle with her…she puts up a very nice facade, and you will end up looking like the one with the problem—like in the above posts.
A little perspective: my mother, back when she could, would visit us approximately every other month for two or three days. While she was here (and while I was at work) she would do laundry, clean house, cook meals, etc… in short, act like she was in her own home. When she wasn’t here, I was always hearing her on the phone that she never saw us anymore and that she might never see us again, so of course, we’d either go visit or invite her here (the distance is about 100 miles.)
I took issue with it at first, especially when she’d leave and I couldn’t find anything (my husband finally pointed out, “Where does your mother keep the mixing bowls in HER house?”) I felt I was being told I didn’t do a good enough job with my housekeeping, laundry, and feeding my family (of course, hubby and son always raved about my mom’s cooking.) I got to feeling miserable until my husband said, “She misses you, she wants to help you out, and someday, she won’t be here anymore. Take the high road and don’t have any regrets when that happens.” (He was having to put up with starched blue jeans and incessant queries about his health and how he was being fed… yes, this was MY mother, not his!
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In short, your MIL sounds like my mother. And I live 100 miles from my mother. And still see her once a month. She is now 89 and her health is in decline. She doesn’t visit me anymore because she can’t. All that stress I felt twenty years ago seems overblown now. It was only a few days every other month. Can I honestly say I won’t be that same mother (or MIL) when my son marries?
It doesn’t sound like your MIL visits all that often or even calls that frequently. Why are you letting her rent space in your head when she isn’t even physically there that much? When she’s gone, will you really be satisfied to be able to say, “Well, I made sure she knew her place and mine!”
For the sake of your own peace of mind, learn to let things go. In the grand scheme of things, you’re blessed to have an MIL about whom this is the worst you can complain about.
EDITED TO ADD: And about phone calls? If you have caller ID (and who doesn’t?), you don’t HAVE to answer all her calls. Let your husband answer or let her call him. Why people allow the phone to enslave them to its every summons is beyond me. I have reduced a lot of stress in my life by picking my battles… and picking which calls to answer.
I took issue with it at first, especially when she’d leave and I couldn’t find anything (my husband finally pointed out, “Where does your mother keep the mixing bowls in HER house?”) I felt I was being told I didn’t do a good enough job with my housekeeping, laundry, and feeding my family (of course, hubby and son always raved about my mom’s cooking.) I got to feeling miserable until my husband said, “She misses you, she wants to help you out, and someday, she won’t be here anymore. Take the high road and don’t have any regrets when that happens.” (He was having to put up with starched blue jeans and incessant queries about his health and how he was being fed… yes, this was MY mother, not his!
)In short, your MIL sounds like my mother. And I live 100 miles from my mother. And still see her once a month. She is now 89 and her health is in decline. She doesn’t visit me anymore because she can’t. All that stress I felt twenty years ago seems overblown now. It was only a few days every other month. Can I honestly say I won’t be that same mother (or MIL) when my son marries?
It doesn’t sound like your MIL visits all that often or even calls that frequently. Why are you letting her rent space in your head when she isn’t even physically there that much? When she’s gone, will you really be satisfied to be able to say, “Well, I made sure she knew her place and mine!”
For the sake of your own peace of mind, learn to let things go. In the grand scheme of things, you’re blessed to have an MIL about whom this is the worst you can complain about.
EDITED TO ADD: And about phone calls? If you have caller ID (and who doesn’t?), you don’t HAVE to answer all her calls. Let your husband answer or let her call him. Why people allow the phone to enslave them to its every summons is beyond me. I have reduced a lot of stress in my life by picking my battles… and picking which calls to answer.
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Zelie_Louis
Guest
Please remember to treat the OP with kindness and charity when responding to her family difficulty.
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