Overbearing Parent

[Lorelei12]

I think your parents are doing you a real disservice by treating you like a child. If my son ends up living with us in his 30s, I will most definitely not be making him breakfast and driving him to work every day. And if he has a full time job, he’ll be paying for a lot more than his own cell phone bill. However, you bear some responsibility for accepting all of this.

You sound very responsible, and certainly if you are capable of working and saving for the last 11 years, you are more than capable of finding somewhere else to live and making it on your own. I’d imagine that, unless you are wildly irresponsible with money, you must have a sizable down payment saved.

It’s also awfully presumptuous of them to assume you’d want to be buried with them…if you marry, I am sure your wife will have something to say about that. Speaking of which, even if you aren’t sure you’re called to marriage, if you even think you might, do your potential future wife a favor and move out now. It’s one thing for an adult child to live at home because he lost his job, because he has an illness, because he’s caring for his parents, or even because everyone just gets along well. But if you’re distressed, and your parents don’t even make you drive yourself to work eek I think it’s time to be a man. You mentioned having a lot of friends- what do they think about this? Do they think it’s at all weird?

 

[EasterJoy]

Honestly thanks! I have been told I need to move out. Heck I want to but my self esteem is poor due to being told I can’t do it. Dad makes breakfast for me, they drive me to work. While all nice it does get to be inhibitive. I got stuff to think on.

You couldn’t do anything before you learned to do it. You couldn’t drive the first time you got behind the wheel, you couldn’t read the first time you picked up a book, and you’re going to find there are things about running a household that you have no clue how to do until you actually move out and try to do it all on your own.

The great thing now is that no matter what you want to do, there are ten YouTube videos and two dozen blogs you can find to give you suggestions for how you might go about doing it. You will never have to go crawling back to your mom and dad to learn how to cut up a chicken or how to fry an egg or how to choose car insurance. Your friends will be more than willing to help you out, too. You can’t do it yet, but you can learn, and the mistakes you will make while you are learning will not kill you and will not prove that you are incompetent. They’ll only show that you still have things to learn. Well, don’t we all?

Go for it. I think you’re really going to get a kick out of this!

More to the point–if you don’t go out and learn how to run a household now, how are you going to handle it when your dad has a stroke or your mom breaks her hip and you have to learn with them trying to watch you from a hospital bed set up in their family room? Whereever you decide to live, learn all of that now. It is* long* past the time for it.

(I think you’ll enjoy this a lot more if they aren’t there to see your mistakes, though, and we all make them when we learn the skills they used to teach in “home economics.”)

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

Lots of things worry me. Do they worry you?

• it’s your parents’ responsibility to get their own friends to advise them how to improve their own relationship and especially that your dad stops getting at your mum.
• you can’t be their sole friend.
• are one or two of your friends able to double up their role and take your parents in hand as well (for the short term)? Any astute and energetic neighbours? Church members even? (It’s queer how Catholics aren’t supposed to relate)

quote my life and a huge debt. I have told my dad I would give up everything for him. To him I am the center of his entire universe. He places me before even my mom. unquote

• adopted means: son, and parents, no different from any other son, or any other parents
• This statement is unhealthy on your part: I am the center of his entire universe
• This means he is an unhealthy person full stop: He places me before even my mom

You will save your mum better from a distance by getting yourself healthy elsewhere.

This being said we now have another whole set of unknowns around you living on your own. I’ve not been very successful at it myself for much of my life. Therefore ideally one should take one’s time thinking out the ramifications unless your parents are causing emergencies.

I was a lodger for some years when I had an office job (and my friend took in a lodger who was a lorry driver). During that time however, I didn’t have much room for books, paperwork, audio or my own groceries and there were clashes of style over household tasks. Maybe it’s an option for the short term if an emergency develops.

This means we need to pray more for the three of you.

 

[NM505StKate]

Before anyone thinks it I will clear something up. My dad is the one who told me I am the center of his universe. It is a huge…burden on me because I worry that if I am not home on my curfew or don’t call in he will have a heart attack and die. Everything revolves around him. He does the bills, he does the groceries, he is the final say on dinner or going out to eat. I remember I was all pumped on going to college again, he shot it down because it would involve a loan so I never went back. I find it hard to even tell him I want to go somewhere, example is this past April. I wanted to go to Las Vegas for a convention. I had the money saved up to fly and even get a hotel room. I told him about it and he suggested he would drive me there and stay at the hotel with me. I said I am not going and missed out on the experience. In many ways I remove things I want to do or find fun so he won’t tag a long. Can’t always get what you want.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Honestly thanks! I have been told I need to move out. Heck I want to but my self esteem is poor due to being told I can’t do it. Dad makes breakfast for me, they drive me to work. While all nice it does get to be inhibitive. I got stuff to think on.

I hear ya. My father put me down all the time when I lived at home. I was told that I would never amount to anything and that I didn’t have anything to offer anyone in marriage.

Fast forward: I am a college graduate (4.0 GPA), and have been married for 18 years. My husband thinks I have plenty to offer in marriage. I can’t print the words that I was thinking here, but they were two words and they weren’t thank you.

You can do this!! My self esteem was pretty low when I moved out for the first time on my own. I lived with a roommate, managed my own money, etc. It wasn’t easy at first, but I made it work.

Maybe you can take a budgeting class? Usually the local colleges have non-credit classes that they offer and usually there is a budgeting class of some type offered.

The internet has a lot of resources for living on your own, from what you need (kitchen utensils, plates, flatware, household items: cleaners, sponges, toilet paper and other toiletries). Just do a Google search for “living on your own,” and there will be lots of information. If your local college doesn’t have a budgeting class, I have heard that Dave Ramsey has excellent budgeting advice. He has books and classes.

 

[NM505StKate]

I have to chuckle a bit. I am way better at budgeting than my father. He has come to me on around three or so occasions to ask me for money. Example is I helped may my mom’s SUV this past month. It is now paid off and I helped out. Both of my parents are retired so they get a monthly check from their previous jobs. I don’t gamble, which my father does, so one time when he racked up $900 in debt I pulled him out. He admits I should be the one asking him for money but I don’t spend on useless stuff. Hell I go without things I like just to make sure I can save his bacon if need be.

 

[Aggie414]

Before anyone thinks it I will clear something up. My dad is the one who told me I am the center of his universe. It is a huge…burden on me because I worry that if I am not home on my curfew or don’t call in he will have a heart attack and die. Everything revolves around him. He does the bills, he does the groceries, he is the final say on dinner or going out to eat. I remember I was all pumped on going to college again, he shot it down because it would involve a loan so I never went back. I find it hard to even tell him I want to go somewhere, example is this past April. I wanted to go to Las Vegas for a convention. I had the money saved up to fly and even get a hotel room. I told him about it and he suggested he would drive me there and stay at the hotel with me. I said I am not going and missed out on the experience. In many ways I remove things I want to do or find fun so he won’t tag a long. Can’t always get what you want.

There are HUGE RED FLAGS all through this post. Your parents (or particularly your father) have severe boundary issues. You have a curfew??? You need to get out on your own sooner rather than later. This goes way beyond overbearing. Your parents (father) are guilt-tripping you into staying where you are. I’m sure you mean well, but this is way overboard – bordering on child abuse.

You’re an adult. You need to start acting like it.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I have to chuckle a bit. I am way better at budgeting than my father. He has come to me on around three or so occasions to ask me for money. Example is I helped may my mom’s SUV this past month. It is now paid off and I helped out. Both of my parents are retired so they get a monthly check from their previous jobs. I don’t gamble, which my father does, so one time when he racked up $900 in debt I pulled him out. He admits I should be the one asking him for money but I don’t spend on useless stuff. Hell I go without things I like just to make sure I can save his bacon if need be.

Wow. I think you definitely need to move out. The relationship you have with your parents is not a healthy one. Your dad driving you to work everyday and that you are the focus of his life. Your dad having to ask you for money to bail him out, etc.

 

[NM505StKate]

I agree that it is unhealthy. I just worry that if I move out something horrible will happen and I won’t stop it. Like I am out of the house for a day or so and one of them dies due to grief. A very good friend of mine has said it is abuse. She even suggested I go to a therapist for it. Thanks for reading.

 

[aicirt]

Hey all. Thanks for the responses. Let me see if I can provide some more details. first I am the adopted only child of two parents. They are both in their 60’s. I have a full time job that I have held for the past 11 years. I pay what bills my dad lets me pay, my cell and help out with car insurance. Dad wishes me to have no debt when he and mom pass away so he pays all the bills and buys all the groceries.

I agree that living with my folks makes dating rough but I am able to save up a decent savings account. I own my car, paid for it myself.

I don’t know what else to add here.

If your parents die 20 years from now, you’ll be 54 and they will have been in their mid-80s.

So you’ll get the house and the cars, but no wife and no kids. Is that what you want?

 

[NM505StKate]

@aicirt

To be honest I didn’t get married nor had kids I would not be crying. To me, imo, marriage and kids are cool but not like the main point of living. Same with the house and cars. I don’t want four cars, I will sell most of them off. House is cool but would be way too big for me by myself.

Oh yeah my mom did say that being buried with them was up to me but when she brought it up it was almost to sounding like a sure thing. In many ways it seems my life is planned out. I am just here for the ride.

 

[aicirt]

@aicirt

To be honest I didn’t get married nor had kids I would not be crying. To me, imo, marriage and kids are cool but not like the main point of living. Same with the house and cars. I don’t want four cars, I will sell most of them off. House is cool but would be way too big for me by myself.

Oh yeah my mom did say that being buried with them was up to me but when she brought it up it was almost to sounding like a sure thing. In many ways it seems my life is planned out. I am just here for the ride.

Ok. Marriage isn’t high on your list. What is on your list? Have you ever sat down and said these are the things I MUST do before I die? Start making a list. It is your life.

You know if you don’t show interest in your own life, your parents will think all is fine and keep planning it for you. Sometimes you have to let people know what YOU want. It doesn’t have to be that you want to move out now. Why don’t you start by taking a trip by yourself?

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

@aicirt

To be honest I didn’t get married nor had kids I would not be crying. To me, imo, marriage and kids are cool but not like the main point of living. Same with the house and cars. I don’t want four cars, I will sell most of them off. House is cool but would be way too big for me by myself.

Oh yeah my mom did say that being buried with them was up to me but when she brought it up it was almost to sounding like a sure thing. In many ways it seems my life is planned out. I am just here for the ride.

Even if you don’t want to get married and have kids, don’t you want to live on your own? You can’t worry thatvsonething is going to happen to your parents when you move out. There are guarantees in this life. Your parents will have to learn to have a better marriage and your dad will need to put your mon first, as he should.

You need to live your life for YOU, not your parents! If they need help and you can help them, fine. It sounds like they have guilted you into staying with them. You really need your own space to call yours.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree that it is unhealthy. I just worry that if I move out something horrible will happen and I won’t stop it. Like I am out of the house for a day or so and one of them dies due to grief. A very good friend of mine has said it is abuse. She even suggested I go to a therapist for it. Thanks for reading.

They are worried that something could happen to you if they let you out of their sight, too.

*Moshe calls his mother and asks, “How are you?”
“Not too good,” Hette says. “I’m feeling very weak.”
"Why, mother? "
Hette says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 23 days.”
Moshe replies, “That’s terrible, mother. Why haven’t you eaten in 23 days?”
Hette answers, “because I didn’t want my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!” *

Something bad could happen if you don’t live with your parents. Something bad could happen if you live alone. Something bad is already happening, though, because you and your parents will not let go of each other.

Yes, you should move. It may make you uncomfortable and probably will and it is undeniably more expensive, but you should move. Really. This is keeping you from believing that you can be an autonomous adult. If you become distressed after you move and it lasts more than two weeks or a month or if you procrastinate for more than a month, get some counselling. Call up this friend, and promise to do that.

 

[shainski]

I agree that it is unhealthy. I just worry that if I move out something horrible will happen and I won’t stop it. Like I am out of the house for a day or so and one of them dies due to grief. A very good friend of mine has said it is abuse. She even suggested I go to a therapist for it. Thanks for reading.

Yes, it is possible that your parents die minutes after you move out. It’s also possible that they live for 40 more years. Neither of these would be because of you. You do not owe your parents your life because they raised you.

I would never ever do what your parents are doing to you to my children. Ultimately it is cruel. I know that my children will eventually leave (They are in elementary school). I will be sad when they do move out, but I will want them to go. That is what is normal. I won’t die of loneliness when they do move out - and if I were to, it would be my own fault. (I would hope that they wouldn’t personally think that their decision led to my death)

I know your parents love you - but they are holding you back. They didn’t adopt you so that they would have a lifelong companion (at least I hope not).

Just because you move out doesn’t mean that you are out of their life. You can be in their life as much as you like. (May I ask - what age did your parents move out of their parents’ houses?.. Did they feel it was a mistake?)

And your father’s obsession about debt may ultimately be a huge hindrance as well. It’s great to not be carrying debt on your living expenses. But college and houses - long term investments can ultimately be less expensive than an alternative. (However, I guess if you can stay in their house for free - then you won’t beat that). (Except that the cost you are paying isn’t material - but there is a cost - and for me, it would be too big to pay)

 

[NM505StKate]

Again thanks. I have been told these things by others. Guess I needed a Catholic point of view. I admit I am scared. It will take some time to find a decent place and maybe get a roommate but I really need to get out.

 

[1990Domer]

I honestly think it’s time – past time for you to get out on your own and stand on your own two feet. While your parents are truly nice and loving, they’re hindering your growth – and you’re allowing it to happen.

It might be very expensive where you live; but that doesn’t mean you can’t make it. Either rent something very cheap or get roommates. If you’ve truly saved a bunch of money, you’d probably have a pretty good down payment for a house or condo – though I would highly suggest you rent for a while and get used to paying your own bills before jumping into home ownership.

I think you underestimate how much damage is being done to your personal growth. Living with your parents when you’re in transition is a great and loving gift they can give to you. You’re beyond that.

Off topic…does that mean you’ll cheer for Notre Dame this weekend? Sorry…could not resist!

 

[thequeen]

I can totally relate. I had a very over protective father and a controlling mother but I did get out on my own. My mother was so controlling that she wanted me to put her name on my bank account when I first opened it so she could help me manage it, so I went and opened it without her knowledge she even went as far to pick out my apartment. I picked my own which was was about fifty dollars more but that was okay. Please get out on your own now it is the only way you will be happy Oh and by the way I found out years later that I was a better checkbook manager than my mother was. If my father had not died when I was fairly young I probably would never have gotten out on my own and my mother has passed on also but in her last years she admitted that I had done a good job of taking care of myself. Oh yes I still have the same bank account that my mother wanted me to put her name on it was opened in 1985 when I was twenty years old I just turned fifty in March and I have never been married nor do I have any children.

 

[1990Domer]

Your father is wrong. You should not be the center of anyone’s universe. The center of your father’s universe should be God. God comes first, God is before everything, spouse, children, money, jobs, ambition, everything.

If your father has grief from you moving out, he needs to seek help from God to get through the grief. That is what God is for. Your parents have known since you were small that you would probably be moving out. I have many children, and I have known since the moment they were born that they would not live with me forever. Every parent since Adam and Eve knew this, it seems that your parents have manipulated you emotionally and are using you to postpone loneliness.

Your life belongs to God, not your parents. God created you special for many meaningful things. You need to make a choice how to live your life. You should not participate in this situation any longer, unless you want to. That is where this is your choice, if you choose to stay with them don’t complain, you know exactly what you are getting.

I have to agree with Monicad. My dearest cousin and son’s Godfather was an only child. It took my aunt and uncle 17 years to conceive him after a stillbirth. Very sad. Of course, my cousin was the center of, in this case, my aunt’s universe. However, he did realize that he needed to break from them and established a successful career. But, when my dear aunt–his mother–died suddenly, his world was really rocked. He too has never married and I believe he will live a chaste, holy life. But he has his dad to take care of, which is a terrible toll. I think the singer Sting said it best in his song, “Free, free, set them free.”

God bless.

 

[EasterJoy]

I can totally relate. I had a very over protective father and a controlling mother but I did get out on my own. My mother was so controlling that she wanted me to put her name on my bank account when I first opened it so she could help me manage it, so I went and opened it without her knowledge she even went as far to pick out my apartment. I picked my own which was was about fifty dollars more but that was okay. Please get out on your own now it is the only way you will be happy Oh and by the way I found out years later that I was a better checkbook manager than my mother was. If my father had not died when I was fairly young I probably would never have gotten out on my own and my mother has passed on also but in her last years she admitted that I had done a good job of taking care of myself. Oh yes I still have the same bank account that my mother wanted me to put her name on it was opened in 1985 when I was twenty years old I just turned fifty in March and I have never been married nor do I have any children.

If this were just about making himself happy, the OP could decide to concede to his parents to make them happy. It is not automatically miserable or pathetic to be living with your parents at his age

The problem is that this makes him less able to act freely as an unmarried adult. He should not be living with his parents when they really do not need to have him in the same house to care for him and are using the arrangements to control him. He certainly should not be allowing them to prevent him from learning by experience how to take care of himself.

I had brothers who lived at home into their 30s, but they had been out on their own and were perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. My parents showed them the respect due to an adult, and vice versa. They were fully adults in that household. That’s much different than what the OP is describing. His parents are taking a centrality in his life and giving him a centrality in their lives that ought to belong to God alone. They may not realize it, but they are.