Overbearing Parent

[underacloud]

A 34 year old man with a parental-imposed curfew? :dts:

OP, I think you need to start asking harder questions of yourself. What are you doing with your life? You say you’re not fussed on marriage and family, that’s fine. but what else will you do?

You say you wanted to study more but your father didn’t let you. I suggest you look into that again.

In short, I think you need to find some sort of *purpose *to your life.

 

[Norseman82]

My mother and myself have to go out of our way to not set dad off as he can have a very short temper.

This right here indicates that your father is abusive or has some mental health issues (or both).

 

[EasterJoy]

This right here indicates that your father is abusive or has some mental health issues (or both).

Well, while I would think you are generally right, all we actually know is that it shows that there are some issues with the family system. What qualifies as “a short temper,” what level of conflict his mother can accept, and what lengths she goes to in order to avoid outward shows of drama can also play into this. For instance, a child taught that nice people do not ever raise their voices can become an adult who is very anxious about any outward show of conflict whatsoever. This can be the root of the difficulty without the parent willing to show displeasure at a typical level being actually abusive.

Do you get what I’m saying? If the mother overcompensates to avoid all conflict and passes this idea on to her child, the two of them might both have a stilted view about what qualifies as showing a bad temper. The child could develop an inordinate fear of letting anyone get upset at him, because he has never been taught that it is not his job to head off other people’s show of displeasure, frustration, or anger all of the time. He may think that other people’s show of anger is always a demonstration that he has actually done something wrong, rather than an indication that they are frustrated or at the end of their rope. Dad may not be the one who perpetrates the unrealistic rule that he’s never supposed to get mad or show he’s upset so that everyone else has to walk on eggs to avoid upsetting him. That may be Mom’s interpretation at play.

It could also be both–these are not mutually exclusive. I would just not automatically assume that Dad is the only one making this a difficult situation. (Remember that old therapist’s definition: A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.)

 

[1990Domer]

Well, while I would think you are generally right, all we actually know is that it shows that there are some issues with the family system. What qualifies as “a short temper,” what level of conflict his mother can accept, and what lengths she goes to in order to avoid outward shows of drama can also play into this. For instance, a child taught that nice people do not ever raise their voices can become an adult who is very anxious about any outward show of conflict whatsoever. This can be the root of the difficulty without the parent willing to show displeasure at a typical level being actually abusive.

Do you get what I’m saying? If the mother overcompensates to avoid all conflict and passes this idea on to her child, the two of them might both have a stilted view about what qualifies as showing a bad temper. The child could develop an inordinate fear of letting anyone get upset at him, because he has never been taught that it is not his job to head off other people’s show of displeasure, frustration, or anger all of the time. He may think that other people’s show of anger is always a demonstration that he has actually done something wrong, rather than an indication that they are frustrated or at the end of their rope. Dad may not be the one who perpetrates the unrealistic rule that he’s never supposed to get mad or show he’s upset so that everyone else has to walk on eggs to avoid upsetting him. That may be Mom’s interpretation at play.

It could also be both–these are not mutually exclusive. I would just not automatically assume that Dad is the only one making this a difficult situation. (Remember that old therapist’s definition: A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.)

Everything you wrote resonates strongly with me when I was growing up. I saw that I had to move out at 18, otherwise I would be smothered. I went to college 12 hours away on purpose–to grow up. I studied hard, got a good job and never looked back. Things were rocky with my mom at first. She was not pleased about my decision. Dad was passive.

But, in time, we had a great relationship. And still do. Probably better than ever! Very wise words EasterJoy. Best of luck OP. I will be praying and cheering for you.

 

[Aggie414]

Off topic…does that mean you’ll cheer for Notre Dame this weekend? Sorry…could not resist!

Absolutely – go Irish

Now back to your regularly-scheduled discussion

 

[NM505StKate]

I don’t really have much more to say other than thanks for reading. Umm the curfew is both my decision and theirs. I head out to do stuff but my mom stays up until I get home. It is a weird dynamic. Anyway thanks again and I do have a lot to consider.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t really have much more to say other than thanks for reading. Umm the curfew is both my decision and theirs. I head out to do stuff but my mom stays up until I get home. It is a weird dynamic. Anyway thanks again and I do have a lot to consider.

The main thing is that this could be interfering with your ability to discern your vocation to marriage…or any other vocation independent of your parents, for that matter. Moving out for at least awhile before they go into a decline that could bring you back is in order.

You also need to be prepared for the possibility that if you move out or propose moving out, they may decide to find reasons they “need” you at home. In other words, the chances are that this arrangement is far more about meeting their needs than about meeting yours. You have to be very careful you do not allow them to manipulate you in any way. That is not to your spiritual benefit, nor to theirs. I would strongly suggest that you find an ally to “de-brief” with as you go through this. If you go it alone, it is going to be very hard and may prove to be practically impossible. A man can only bear so much alone.

Again: yours worlds ought to be Christ-centered, not NM505StKate-centered or NM505StKateParent-centered. The latter is not a road to serenity or fidelity.

 

[The_Old_Maid]

If I didn’t know better, I would say we have been visited by the cast of The Big Bang Theory:

Sheldon: “I never learned how to drive, and as long I have the rest of you, I don’t need to.”

Leonard: “I can’t ever please my mother, and she named her latest psychology book The Disappointing Child, starring stories all about me!”

Raj: “My parents will cut off my allowance if I keep turning down the arranged marriages they make for me, but what can I do, if I can’t talk to women on my own without being tipsy?”

Howard: “All the other astronauts called me Fruit Loops because when I was on the phone with Mission Control my mom hollered ‘Get dressed and come downstairs before your Fruit Loops get soggy!’”

Penny: “Fine, fine, okay. I’ll kill the spider for you, but you really need to learn how to do this for yourselves.”

Don’t get me wrong, I do take this seriously. Immaturity can be outgrown. Inertia is harder. Others have addressed the non-monetary issues, so I’ll leave that to them for now.

You might ask your church if there’s a Catholic housing agency that can help you find something you can afford. It may be small (just a spare room and bathroom), but it sounds like starting small is better for you. A bed, a closet, a tabletop refrigerator and tabletop oven and stove are all that many people need, and you may be able to skip the bed as there’s always the floor. Driving lessons are a good idea too. You don’t have to achieve your family’s lifestyle to live well.

P.S.
As for being offered a space in the family cemetery plot, those are expensive. It’s actually a generous offer, so if you’re not interested, just say thank you and make other plans.

 

[1990Domer]

Absolutely – go Irish

Now back to your regularly-scheduled discussion

Thank you! Go Aggies!

Ok, derailment over.

 

[1990Domer]

I don’t really have much more to say other than thanks for reading. Umm the curfew is both my decision and theirs. I head out to do stuff but my mom stays up until I get home. It is a weird dynamic. Anyway thanks again and I do have a lot to consider.

I will pray for your family tonight so that you all may be able to accept what God’s path is for all of you.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

To help you get moving reasonably quickly, maybe there is a YMCA, a B&B with evening meal, a lodging, or a bedsit as a staging post while you look for something a little longer term, else a flatmate.

At any rate keep that brain harnessed whether formally or informally (in my case best thing I did since stopping work).

Just said another Our Father for the three of you and that church members will keep an eye on your parents.

 

[Lou2U]

Actually none of it sounds familiar. I stay at home a lot, don’t like clubbing, I love to read, my second home is the internet (lol), work hard, get along great with others, have plenty of friends, have some hobbies, don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t do drugs.

All of that aside my dad has told me I can’t make it on my own. That my savings would vanish quickly. His plan is I live my life at the house until they die. House is pad off, three out of four of our cars are paid off, heck I think they are paying off their funeral expenses so I don’t have to worry about a thing. Mom even told me a week or so ago that once I die the plan is I am buried with them/cremated and place with them.

Life isn’t exactly comfy nor is it easy. Despite assumptions being an only child can suck a lot.

Your dad is manipulating you. Your friend is right - this situation is abusive. Telling you that you can’t make it on your own to keep you with him, and then saying you are the centre of his universe to make you feel guilty for wanting to leave him.

Everyone else is right. What do you want to do with your life? And if you don’t mind me asking, what was the purpose of posting this thread? Do you need encouragement to leave your family, do you need help handling your father?

Lou

 

[Allegra]

It doesn’t sound to me like your parents are “overprotective”. It’s sounds to me like they are control freaks. What is it you believe they are protecting you from? No, it isn’t normal for a 34 year old man to live with his parents and have them pay for his bills. It might be understandable if there was some sort of circumstance that required it. (one of you was disabled and needed extra help, or you had financial trouble and needed help back on your feet.) However, it isn’t normal and probably not desirable. I suspect your relationship would improve considerably if you found your own place to live, unless your parents are complete narcissists or something like that.

 

[Norseman82]

“Walking on eggshells” with a family member is no way to live. I hope you are not in any physical danger.

One question that is in my mind, and if it was discussed already please forgive me for missing it: what is your family’s cultural background? If you are in the US, are your parents immigrants? I have observed that in families of many immigrants, the kids tend to not move out prior to marriage (some cultures even consider it scandalous).

On a practical matter, I would ask you this: do you have savings/financial accounts where your parents are not on the account? My fear is that if you tried to strike out on your own, you may be retaliated against by your parents (specifically your dad) clearing out your life savings, so if you haven’t done so already, make sure you have an account in your name only. If your parents are as overbearing as you make them out to be, it is possible that they may be monitoring your accounts, so you may need to quickly move your money to your own account (possibly on the day you inform them you are moving out). I’m sorry if I sound alarmist, I’m just covering the “worst case scenario”.

 

[EasterJoy]

It doesn’t sound to me like your parents are “overprotective”. It’s sounds to me like they are control freaks. What is it you believe they are protecting you from? No, it isn’t normal for a 34 year old man to live with his parents and have them pay for his bills. It might be understandable if there was some sort of circumstance that required it. (one of you was disabled and needed extra help, or you had financial trouble and needed help back on your feet.) However, it isn’t normal and probably not desirable. I suspect your relationship would improve considerably if you found your own place to live, unless your parents are complete narcissists or something like that.

I wish it weren’t so, but the financial situation of many graduates who take out loans at private universities to finance satisfying but non-lucrative educations (or educations in particularly competitive fields) sometimes leaves them little choice but to either live with their parents or else to live with friends whose lifestyles are far more out of sync with their own than their parents’ lifestyles are. Why would you get a roommate with annoying habits when you and your parents actually like living in the same house?

Having said that, in a healthy household with an adult child living with parents, the adult child is more like an adult boarder. They have their own lives, they are treated like adults with regards to the “rules of the house,” they come and go as they feel inclined without any expectation that the parents have any say in where they are going. Their parents do not “wait up” for them when they are out late, and they do not depend on their parents for a social life. They essentially tell their parents when to expect they’ll be around, as any polite roommate would do and they live according to a mutual agreement on house rules as anyone letting a room in a non-relative’s house might do. They shoulder their share of the chores, as an adult would do. The parents can enforce the rules of propriety appropriate for someone taking a renter into their home, but otherwise they have to learn to bite their tongues.

If the parents act like people that no one in their right mind would rent a room from or if the relationship can’t progress in a healthy way that recognizes the child’s adulthood, an adult child with a healthy sense of self will move out. Perhaps the OP ought to proceed as if he has come to the realization that any other living situation just isn’t working out. He doesn’t have to hit the door running as if his hair were on fire if he isn’t experiencing the arrangement with that level of toxicity, but he also shouldn’t put off finding a different place to live. That’s kind of a judgment call for him. Unlike non-relative “roommates,” though, the OP ought to be ready for some rather manipulative push-back against his decision. He needs to expect that his parents are going to fight him on this, and he needs to be ready to handle this calmly. It’s kind of like handling the tantrums when it was the other way around. It is a lot easier to stay calm if you realize the unpleasantness is totally predictable and pretty much normal. The first few tantrums are the hardest. After that, it is possible to see and endure them as unfortunate unpleasantness that you’re capable of surviving with little harm done. (But OK…plan to have a friend to meet right after you expect one, so you can relax in a normal adult-to-adult situation.)

 

[NM505StKate]

Lou2: The purpose was to see if the actions in my house are normal for Catholics and to get a sense of what to do. Right now my purpose is helping my friends smile and being a shoulder for them.

Norseman82: We are Hispanic Catholics from the Southwest. Born and raised here. as for financial I have a savings account but my mother’s name is on it. It is an old account as I had it set up when I was 13 or so.

I am really aiming to move out next year. Tempted on going to confession, I guess to see what a priest has to say on this though it makes little sense. On the plus side I have met a new friend. She is the girlfriend of one of my friends, Last night we spent most of the night watching Harry Potter. Had a super time. This Friday the three of us are going to hang out. I also have a bunch of support from my friends, some saying they will help me look for a place and my bff telling me I need to live for myself.

 

[Lou2U]

Lou2: The purpose was to see if the actions in my house are normal for Catholics and to get a sense of what to do. Right now my purpose is helping my friends smile and being a shoulder for them.

No, the actions of your father are definitely not normal.

I am really aiming to move out next year. Tempted on going to confession, I guess to see what a priest has to say on this though it makes little sense. On the plus side I have met a new friend. She is the girlfriend of one of my friends, Last night we spent most of the night watching Harry Potter. Had a super time. This Friday the three of us are going to hang out. I also have a bunch of support from my friends, some saying they will help me look for a place and my bff telling me I need to live for myself.

Good! I’m glad you’re receiving help and taking steps to move out.

Lou

 

[hesso12]

Hello. New to the forum. Nice to meet you all. I am 34, single, male. I live with my parents, due to it being expensive where I live. Life gets hard as my father is pretty over protective. Been told I could not make it on my own. Also been told how having kids is the worse mistake I could ever make. Anyway thanks and have a super day.

well am just saying you might,just want to have a look at this.

catholicparents.org/Dr_Ray.html

 

[Eliza10]

Your situation might be normal in some circles, but its wrong in all of them. You are making BAD CHOICES.

Silence means consent. You consent to all of this that is your life. Its all YOUR choice.

Its wrong to live at a house where you father treats you better than his own wife. At age 12, there is little you can do about it. At age 34, you are supporting and enabling it. What a shameful thing to be a party to. You will have to answer to God for this.

That $900 would have been better spent on a GOOD counselor, because you need one, because your parents have given you terrible counsel, and a terrible family example. You need NORMAL feedback, and you can afford it, so you should get it. You need that WAY more than any fun convention weekend in Vegas.

I read your posts to my husband and he said, “He sounds like a man with no desires.”

But you have CHOSEN to have no desires, and you have allowed these people to suppress yours. When you are little, there is not much you can do about it. When you are your age, its a purposeful decision to be complicit.

You do not owe them anything. They already gave you the basic outline of what* they owed you,* as parents, to raise you, feed and clothe you. Yes, God wants you to honor them. That does not mean be a nobody-nothing, and do what they say. He gave you a brain and He wants you to use it.

If you let them suppress your desires and you choose to void-out God’s voice in your life, you can TRY to blame this on them. But that won’t fly with God - He KNOWS your heart, even if you pretend you don’t even have one! The fact is you are complicit in their sin. You are a party to it. That is NOT helping them. That is not respecting them. That’s helping them have LOTS more time in Purgatory - or worse. How sad you’ll be when your life flashes before you and you see that your complacent complicity cost them SO MUCH.

As to God’s desire for your life - you are not even asking. That’s sad. And you will have to answer to God for that. And you will be sorry, when your life is over, that you frittered your time and your life.

You know what? You are exactly like the “Worthless Servant” in the Parable of the Talents. That’s the choice you are making with your life. Read it. I am sure it sounds familiar. It is exactly you, and what you are doing with your life. And the end to that parable of Jesus for the worthless servant? Not good! But - Jesus saw that as justice.

You need spiritual counsel and direction. You need to step out and do what God wants you to do with your life. You are Catholic, so you sit on the richest riches of the world. In the Sacraments, you have ALL you need to be whatever God wants you to be. He pours out miraculous graces so that you can.

 

[NM505StKate]

Your situation might be normal in some circles, but its wrong in all of them. You are making BAD CHOICES.

Silence means consent. You consent to all of this that is your life. Its all YOUR choice.

Its wrong to live at a house where you father treats you better than his own wife. At age 12, there is little you can do about it. At age 34, you are supporting and enabling it. What a shameful thing to be a party to. You will have to answer to God for this.

That $900 would have been better spent on a GOOD counselor, because you need one, because your parents have given you terrible counsel, and a terrible family example. You need NORMAL feedback, and you can afford it, so you should get it. You need that WAY more than any fun convention weekend in Vegas.

I read your posts to my husband and he said, “He sounds like a man with no desires.”

But you have CHOSEN to have no desires, and you have allowed these people to suppress yours. When you are little, there is not much you can do about it. When you are your age, its a purposeful decision to be complicit.

You do not owe them anything. They already gave you the basic outline of what* they owed you,* as parents, to raise you, feed and clothe you. Yes, God wants you to honor them. That does not mean be a nobody-nothing, and do what they say. He gave you a brain and He wants you to use it.

If you let them suppress your desires and you choose to void-out God’s voice in your life, you can TRY to blame this on them. But that won’t fly with God - He KNOWS your heart, even if you pretend you don’t even have one! The fact is you are complicit in their sin. You are a party to it. That is NOT helping them. That is not respecting them. That’s helping them have LOTS more time in Purgatory - or worse. How sad you’ll be when your life flashes before you and you see that your complacent complicity cost them SO MUCH.

As to God’s desire for your life - you are not even asking. That’s sad. And you will have to answer to God for that. And you will be sorry, when your life is over, that you frittered your time and your life.

You know what? You are exactly like the “Worthless Servant” in the Parable of the Talents. That’s the choice you are making with your life. Read it. I am sure it sounds familiar. It is exactly you, and what you are doing with your life. And the end to that parable of Jesus for the worthless servant? Not good! But - Jesus saw that as justice.

You need spiritual counsel and direction. You need to step out and do what God wants you to do with your life. You are Catholic, so you sit on the richest riches of the world. In the Sacraments, you have ALL you need to be whatever God wants you to be. He pours out miraculous graces so that you can.

First off to all the responses before this one thank you. Hesso that link you provided was informative. Now to the above poster. This is pretty judging. I agree I don’t have much desires and that I am being complicit but wow on the rest. Seriously I am ruining their life after and mine by being passive? I am like the “worthless servant”? Are you serious? Get off your high horse.