Overcoming Jealousy(related to my sister fyi)

[pumpkinbeast]

I’ve just come to the realization that I’ve been committing the sin of jealousy… Background is as follows: my younger sister moved in with her boyfriend, got pregnant, and just gave birth yesterday. I have had a really hard time dealing with all of this, and thought for awhile that I might be prideful or over-judgmental of the situation, but neither of those seemed to fit my thoughts and feelings about her. I said several times to my fiance that I was mad that she had everything I wanted, but in all the wrong ways, aka living with her significant other(which I am waiting until marriage for), and having a baby(again, I’m also waiting until after marriage for this). I really wanted those things, and I wished she didn’t have them. I finally put two and two together, and realized I was ‘coveting my neighbor’s goods’, so to speak.

Because of these intense feelings and thoughts, I have been avoiding my sister as much as possible. I don’t talk to her very often, unless we are at the same family gathering. I don’t like her much as a person, anyway, she tends to be very rude and inconsiderate over the smallest things, and that, coupled with her sinful lifestyle, was my excuse for avoiding her.

Now that I know what -my- problem is, I am willing to overcome it, and build a relationship with her… not a close one, perhaps, but at least one we’re able to talk occasionally and civilly to each other. I don’t want to keep having absolutely zero contact. But, I also want to be able to make it clear that I don’t support her choice to live with a man that she isn’t married to.

So, I need two things: 1) advice on eradicating this jealousy from my mind and heart (I could tell you a million different ways to overcome sexual sin, just because I’ve researched it to combat being bombarded with sex every day in this culture, but I’m in the dark for this one :/) and 2) a way to have a relationship with her(and my nephew!) that doesn’t condone or support her lifestyle. I am thinking of writing her a letter to this effect, explaining Church teaching(which she knows anyway, but perhaps bears repeating) and as charitably as possible informing her of her error in the area of sexual sin… that will get my Christian duty as her sister out of the way, and then, if she’s still willing to speak to me, what should I do?

 

[CatholicSam]

I don’t think you really want what she has. You don’t want to be living in sin like that with a man that can up and leave whenever he feels like it. And you don’t want to have a baby outside of the grace of marriage. Your sister is in for a *very *rough road ahead, it sounds like. In fact, she’d be the last person a well-formed Catholic like you would be jealous of. I wonder if she were older and married, would you still feel this way? I think part of your “problem” is that you are angry with her for making such poor decisions (and getting away with it so far?).

You’re going to do things the right way, and God will bless you in your efforts. While everything looks like it’s going along perfectly for your sister, things will start to fall apart for her sooner or later if she continues to persist in her sin.

 

[JPUSC]

If you don’t even like her that much, why do you care what she does?

 

[musicality]

If you don’t even like her that much, why do you care what she does?

Because they’re sisters…

 

[pumpkinbeast]

I don’t think you really want what she has. You don’t want to be living in sin like that with a man that can up and leave whenever he feels like it. And you don’t want to have a baby outside of the grace of marriage. Your sister is in for a *very *rough road ahead, it sounds like. In fact, she’d be the last person a well-formed Catholic like you would be jealous of. I wonder if she were older and married, would you still feel this way? I think part of your “problem” is that you are angry with her for making such poor decisions (and getting away with it so far?).

You’re going to do things the right way, and God will bless you in your efforts. While everything looks like it’s going along perfectly for your sister, things will start to fall apart for her sooner or later if she continues to persist in her sin.

I didn’t say it made sense. I’m not jealous of her entire situation, just aspects of it. I don’t know if things will ever fall apart for her, because my parents are supporting her and her bf financially… who knows.

If you don’t even like her that much, why do you care what she does?

I care because she is my sister, and everyone and their dog keeps telling me I shouldn’t cut her out of my life. I dunno, should I? It’s true that if she was just a ‘friend’ she probably wouldn’t be a friend anymore because of the way she’s treated me and others in the past, but isn’t family supposed to mean something? I’m not looking to become buddy-buddy with her, she’s too toxic for that. But as everyone has pointed out, she has a really long, rough road ahead of her. Shouldn’t I try to help her out? These are totally honest questions, btw, because I am totally confused right now, and under pressure from my parents to ignore all past wrongs and just be lovey-buddy-sunshine-and-rainbows-bffs with her. x.x I’m trying to find the middle ground, here.

 

[Rascalking]

Never cut off someone from your life unless they are actively hurting themselves or you (And I mean something very, very serious-something along the lines of an active Crystal Meth user) in a way that will kill them someday.

Perhaps you could just say to her, “No matter what you do, you’ll always be my sister, I love you dearly, but I think you messed up on this by doing…etc, etc.”

Empshize the love. You’ll always be sisters. Nothing can destroy that bond.

 

[JPUSC]

I don’t think lecturing her on sexual sin and Church teaching is going to do anything, especially since you two aren’t even close. And, a letter is not the way to do it either. She’s probably just going to get really irritated with her goody-two-shoes sister every time she sees that letter, especially if it’s perceived as an attack or criticism no matter how politely it’s worded. A person is not going to listen to a lecture from someone she can barely stand.

Judging from your words, I see a lot of hostility towards your sister and it seems like you might be motivated mainly by self-righteousness and “getting your Christian duty out of the way” instead of actual love. Your parents are right; you should try to develop a close relationship, then maybe then she might listen to you. If she is someone who may cause emotional harm to you in the future, then you can cut her out of your life until you feel the time is right to mend the fences again.

 

[AdriannaJean]

I’ve just come to the realization that I’ve been committing the sin of jealousy… Background is as follows: my younger sister moved in with her boyfriend, got pregnant, and just gave birth yesterday. I have had a really hard time dealing with all of this, and thought for awhile that I might be prideful or over-judgmental of the situation, but neither of those seemed to fit my thoughts and feelings about her. I said several times to my fiance that I was mad that she had everything I wanted, but in all the wrong ways, aka living with her significant other(which I am waiting until marriage for), and having a baby(again, I’m also waiting until after marriage for this). I really wanted those things, and I wished she didn’t have them. I finally put two and two together, and realized I was ‘coveting my neighbor’s goods’, so to speak.

So, for clarity’s sake here, you are jealous that she gets to live with the man she loves and have a child but you are not jealous of her unmarried status.

Because of these intense feelings and thoughts, I have been avoiding my sister as much as possible. I don’t talk to her very often, unless we are at the same family gathering. I don’t like her much as a person, anyway, she tends to be very rude and inconsiderate over the smallest things, and that, coupled with her sinful lifestyle, was my excuse for avoiding her.

While maybe being best friends with her isn’t an option for you, this seems a little bit harsh. We are called to use extra love on the people that bother us, not to abandon them. What would Christ have done?

Now that I know what -my- problem is, I am willing to overcome it, and build a relationship with her… not a close one, perhaps, but at least one we’re able to talk occasionally and civilly to each other. I don’t want to keep having absolutely zero contact. But, I also want to be able to make it clear that I don’t support her choice to live with a man that she isn’t married to.

Does your sister know that you are waiting until marriage to have sex with your fiance? Generally this is enough. I don’t have to tell my friends I don’t approve of them sleeping with their boyfriends, but they know I do. That doesn’t give me a right to get on a moral high-horse either though. It’s God’s job to judge them, it’s our job to love and lead by example.

I would just make it clear to her what you have chosen to do about sex (not having it until marriage). She’ll get the point that you don’t approve. How could you approve of her doing something you have a moral issue with doing yourself?

Confronting her about it not the way to go. She will get defensive and then you’ll be in an awkward situation where neither of you is willing to give in.

Ask your sister to come to Mass with you. Take her to a bible study. Involve her in the parts of your life that strengthen your morality. Perhaps they will strengthen hers as well. Talk to her about her relationship with her boyfriend (not her sex life, the relationship between them). Casually ask her how he would react if she asked that they stop having sex (a fabulous test by the way, someone who really loves her would stop but someone who doesn’t won’t). And she knows he would refuse then it will be very clear to her where she sits on his priority list.

For overcoming the jealousy all I can tell you to do is pray about it. Every time you feel the green monster coming out, say the rosary.

God Bless

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Never cut off someone from your life unless they are actively hurting themselves or you (And I mean something very, very serious-something along the lines of an active Crystal Meth user) in a way that will kill them someday.

Perhaps you could just say to her, “No matter what you do, you’ll always be my sister, I love you dearly, but I think you messed up on this by doing…etc, etc.”

Empshize the love. You’ll always be sisters. Nothing can destroy that bond.

I like that way of phrasing it… I know I have a tendency to sound lecturish and professorish just because of the way I think, and thus what I say… thanks.

I don’t think lecturing her on sexual sin and Church teaching is going to do anything, especially since you two aren’t even close. And, a letter is not the way to do it either. She’s probably just going to get really irritated with her goody-two-shoes sister every time she sees that letter, especially if it’s perceived as an attack or criticism no matter how politely it’s worded. A person is not going to listen to a lecture from someone she can barely stand.

Judging from your words, I see a lot of hostility towards your sister and it seems like you might be motivated mainly by self-righteousness and “getting your Christian duty out of the way” instead of actual love. Your parents are right; you should try to develop a close relationship, then maybe then she might listen to you. If she is someone who may cause emotional harm to you in the future, then you can cut her out of your life until you feel the time is right to mend the fences again.

See, now, I was told in another thread that, judging from my words, I loved my sister dearly and my heart was clearly breaking over her situation… But your first paragraph points out what I’m afraid of, that she’s just get mad if I try to remind her of what the Church teaches. She will most likely see it as an attack, too, even if I’m as gentle as possible. What I meant by saying “getting my Christian duty out of the way” didn’t come across very clearly, I think… I meant, I feel that I need to make it clear to her, as charitably and as lovingly as possible, that what she is doing is wrong BEFORE I can try and have a relationship with her. But you’re suggesting that I go the other way around? And she is someone who has caused emotional harm to me and to others in my family (especially my mom), and unless she has a miraculous transformation now that she’s a mother, which I suppose is always possible, I feel safe in assuming that she will cause emotional harm to me in the future, if I try to have contact with her.

(con’t)

 

[pumpkinbeast]

So, for clarity’s sake here, you are jealous that she gets to live with the man she loves and have a child but you are not jealous of her unmarried status.

Correct.

While maybe being best friends with her isn’t an option for you, this seems a little bit harsh. We are called to use extra love on the people that bother us, not to abandon them. What would Christ have done?

Well, Christ did everything from eating supper with sinners, to turning over their tables… perhaps I should eat supper with her, and then turn the table over? In all seriousness, though, I am -trying- to love her, but loving someone takes all sorts of forms, it seems, and I’m trying to find the best way. And it might sound harsh, but she is really unpleasant to be around… I don’t want to abandon her, but I’m having trouble finding the middle ground.

Does your sister know that you are waiting until marriage to have sex with your fiance? Generally this is enough. I don’t have to tell my friends I don’t approve of them sleeping with their boyfriends, but they know I do. That doesn’t give me a right to get on a moral high-horse either though. It’s God’s job to judge them, it’s our job to love and lead by example.

I would just make it clear to her what you have chosen to do about sex (not having it until marriage). She’ll get the point that you don’t approve. How could you approve of her doing something you have a moral issue with doing yourself?

She knows, but in today’s world of “that’s not what I would do, but it’s fine if you want to do it, it’s your choice” moral relativism I don’t know if that’s enough… I am trying to not get on a moral high-horse, believe me.

Confronting her about it not the way to go. She will get defensive and then you’ll be in an awkward situation where neither of you is willing to give in.

This is what I am afraid of happening.

Ask your sister to come to Mass with you. Take her to a bible study. Involve her in the parts of your life that strengthen your morality. Perhaps they will strengthen hers as well. Talk to her about her relationship with her boyfriend (not her sex life, the relationship between them). Casually ask her how he would react if she asked that they stop having sex (a fabulous test by the way, someone who really loves her would stop but someone who doesn’t won’t). And she knows he would refuse then it will be very clear to her where she sits on his priority list.

For overcoming the jealousy all I can tell you to do is pray about it. Every time you feel the green monster coming out, say the rosary.

God Bless

Can I ask her to Mass when I know she’s living in mortal sin, and thus shouldn’t receive the Eucharist? >.> And I really, really, REALLY don’t want to talk to her about sex between her and her bf, even if I just ask the question you suggested(which is a good one, by the way, for anyone else), because I don’t want her to start giving me sex advice, which she might try to, because she knows I’m waiting until marriage, which is just 2 months away for me. >.> She tried once before, when she actually asked me if me and my fiance where “still doing your little Catholic thing” and waiting until marriage for sex. I said yes, and then told her bluntly that I didn’t want sex advice from anyone, that we had it all figured out and weren’t ignorant, and she proceeded to give me a piece of advice anyway. -.-

I will try to pray the rosary more, thanks for reminding me.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi pumpkin :hug1:

You know, I heard a very memorable homily about jealousy years ago, from a dear priest who we became close to in my family.

He said jealousy is actually the acting out of fear, fear that you will never have what another person has. It’s an intriguing thought.

I think to a degree, when we see a loved one sinning, there is jealousy also in the fact that the other person seems blissful. How can she live like this, we think to ourselves, doesn’t she know she’s sinning? My sister was living with a divorced man (she was divorced also) but she met him and started up with him while he was married. I was very taken aback, and when we moved to Florida, I confronted her. Gently. I said, God would never tell us to do something or live our lives, against His commandments. Your soul mate is not going to be found through adultery.

She didn’t speak to me for a while. Again, I was gentle with her, but she didn’t care for what I had to say. So, know that–if you decide to confront your sister, in a kind way, there will be the chance that she avoids you for a time. But, I think that if you continue to send her cards, emails, call her…YOU do what you can do foster a positive relationship, that is what will count in the end. I pray that things work out. I’ll pray for you, too…that you have the strength and courage to help your sister, and also to overcome your feelings of jealousy. God bless!*

 

[roselily]

Why do you not beg your mamma and your father to arrange a talk to her? Your Mamma maybe would not allow it, will tell her that it was not proper to continue live like this not in marriage, and that makes all the difference. And then they may be think about marriage?

In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all tings, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

And we can only see the situation from your writing, I believe your sister will be very glad to see you only show her love. if you say:Oh! let us be friends! let us forgive each other! And, a letter of criticism no matter how good and love you shows, is not the way to do it either. she will not listen to this, pumpkinbeast, she will not; she will not !
only try to show your love to her, then base on a mutual friendship you can tell her it is not good to…
she might know it’s not proper in her own heart too,
Everything may be proved in some way or other; but when we do wrong our conscience tells us,‘It is wrong, wrong !’ and nothing can convince it to the contrary.

All will be well, you so good. But no one is perfect, is it not true? I think you too must be of the same opinion. So that’s why we need pray every day ask God forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespasses against us !

I thought that- we should pray, remain true and keep faith; let Love always in our heart, because God is Love, and for the rest, trust to God.

 

[JPUSC]

She will most likely see it as an attack, too, even if I’m as gentle as possible. What I meant by saying “getting my Christian duty out of the way” didn’t come across very clearly, I think… I meant, I feel that I need to make it clear to her, as charitably and as lovingly as possible, that what she is doing is wrong BEFORE I can try and have a relationship with her. But you’re suggesting that I go the other way around? And she is someone who has caused emotional harm to me and to others in my family (especially my mom), and unless she has a miraculous transformation now that she’s a mother, which I suppose is always possible, I feel safe in assuming that she will cause emotional harm to me in the future, if I try to have contact with her.

(con’t)

Yeah, there should be no stipulations that have to be met in order for you to have a relationship with her. If you want a relationship with her, then start one without making any conditions. If not, then leave her alone. It appears that she already knows what you think of the situation, based on your Catholic views.

I personally think it’s your parents’ jobs to admonish her. If you two were raised in a Catholic home, I’d expect that your parents are the ones who would be disapproving of this. Not to mention, they’re the ones who would hold more influence on her. Let her make her own mistakes if she remains stubborn. She’ll learn her errors in time when she comes crawling back to Mommy and Daddy.

She tried once before, when she actually asked me if me and my fiance where “still doing your little Catholic thing” and waiting until marriage for sex. I said yes, and then told her bluntly that I didn’t want sex advice from anyone, that we had it all figured out and weren’t ignorant, and she proceeded to give me a piece of advice anyway.

See, in the case, she’s the one giving you advice and telling you how to run your life and it appears that you were pretty put off by it - that’s how she’s going to react to your “little Catholic thing.” Now, if you were close with her, then I would think it might be a good idea to give her advice, but you’re not…so it will only make things worse.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Thank you everyone for your advice and (name removed by moderator)ut. WG, I really like the way your priest friend described jealousy, that really makes sense to me.

I am having a much easier time now, emotionally, that I know what I was feeling, so I’ve been able to give these negative thoughts and feelings up to God, cause He’s big enough to handle them! I’ve also spoken to my parents about how emotionally abusive my sister is, which is, after much thought, the real reason why I’ve been avoiding her. They’ve agreed to keep her in line if I’m willing to visit with her, which is good… I was feeling very defenseless. I am crossing my fingers and praying that she will learn to think before she speaks sooner rather than later, and we’ll be able to develop an adult relationship… If not, well, I’ll re-evaluate in a few years. I will leave the task of pointing out her errors to my parents, which they have, to a certain extent… she knows what she is doing is wrong, and me pointing that out will only put unnecessary walls between us… On the other hand, if she speaks on the subject in front of me, then I will make sure to defend the Church’s teaching on the matter, but only if -she- brings it up. I won’t voluntarily. I think this is a good compromise, and it will allow me to see my nephew, who is pretty cute.

Thanks again everyone, and please keep my family in your prayers!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Our relationships with our adult siblings are so influenced by when we were 5. It just plays out differently when the stakes are bigger. You’re not arguing over who has the new toy. It’s who has mom and dad’s attention and money in a big way, who gets away with murder… who is responsible, who isn’t. Who pays for it, who doesn’t.

Some lessons you can take away here… for you and YOUR future as much as your sister. Because in spite of your best intentions in life, you may end up in your parents’ shoes someday with kids chewing on each other and trying to balance competing affections and resentments. The thing we can count on with family history is its tendency to repeat itself.

I don’t see you as jealous and coveting what she has. Because in a few months you may well have that and better. What you have is envy… sorrow at another’s good. Whether or not you have the same in your own life, it really bothers you she has it without paying for it and punching all the buttons and dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s. Envy is the one vice we don’t get any personal pleasure from. Think about that.

I bet she always got away with shortcuts in life, huh? And mom and dad are supporting her and the boyfriend! Grrr!

Okay, now that you recognize you’re angry, you can deal with it. Not with letters and lectures. Life has a way of doing that better than you ever could. You don’t need to defend Church teaching. The Truth can stand on its own without you being its attack dog. She’s one whole day into motherhood after a rebellious youth and she has a boyfriend who is also all about the benefits and going for the trip without paying for the ticket first. Now she’s about to find out some very painful things about him: Whether he’s one of those who doesn’t want commitment. She’s about to start raising a human being without any legal and financial protections offered by marriage. Do you really envy that?? He can leave her in a month and she has little legal recourse. Because she didn’t realize she could have screened out some commitmentphobes by waiting till AFTER marriage to make a baby.

And now she’s a mom. Funny how that turns us into our own mothers. Now she is standing between her baby and oblivion. She is about to find out what it’s like to put someone before herself for once. It may be tough on her. She may not have the support she thought she did. Party friends have a way of disappearing after they visit the baby in the hospital and hand over the baby gift.

The cure for envy? Pray for charity. Her abrasive personality might give way to a new responsibility and a new protectiveness for the baby and a new patience. You may now sit and watch her relationship with your mother improve drastically. Amazing how smart mom gets all of a sudden when a daughter has a newborn and few other supporters. And in the coming years you may want some of her advice when you are pregnant. You may be young mothers together. You may find out you have more than DNA in common. You are sisters. That can’t be broken completely. Trying to do that will just torment you.

She’s hormonal, post-partum and may be heading toward horrible heartbreak if she finds out her boyfriend isn’t completely ready to be a dad and a full-time partner. She’ll need your love and support. Your own life and happiness following the rules and doing things in the proper order will teach her more about the wisdom of Church teaching than anything you say. Christ meets us where we are, not where we should be. For the sake of your parents, who most surely are dealing with their own heartbreak, worry and disappointment about her, take some of the burden off them by showing your sister some love. Love always lures more people to the truth than condemnation. Baby nephew is adorable, I’m sure. Maybe the first good thing she’s done in a long time. She’s about to grow up real fast. Allow God to write straight with crooked lines. When she gets abrasive, leave the room. Give your mom a hug where she can’t see you. Your parents are suffering through this too. Don’t be like the son in the story who added to his dad’s sorrow by condemning the love he gave to the prodigal son. Now they have a grandbaby to worry about too.

And you’ll learn a lesson here too. You aren’t guaranteed you won’t have a child who behaves just like the aunt someday. Teenagers and young adults can be that way. Now is the time to practice that kind of patience so you know you can do it if you have to walk in your parents’ shoes someday. Treat your sister as you’d treat your own child if the situation were that way. Ask yourself “Would I do this if she were my daughter and not my sister?” That may clarify things.

But yeah, it’s maddening when they get away with murder. Just remember no one really gets away with it. Everyone pays for what they do eventually.

 

[BrokenFortress]

I’ll just have to say that I really needed this topic, so as much as it’s helping you, it’s helping me.

For me, it’s not my sister, but my boyfriend’s brother. My boyfriend’s brother and his girlfriend have been living together for quite some time, and almost 2 years ago his girlfriend got pregnant. I had a hard time with that, as I really want to have a family, and me and my boyfriend are doing it the proper Catholic way by living apart until marriage and no sexual relations. So even though I don’t really like his brother (for reasons other than this) I found myself getting rather jealous of their situation since I myself would love to have a baby. Of course, they’ve continued to live in sin, still live together and are now expecting their second baby out of marriage.

But, like was posted, I think it’s helped to see it that you will be rewarded by God for living a Godly life. It may not seem like it now, but it will come. Sure, they may seem all happy and to have everything you want, but many times, over time what they have breaks down without God in their life. So, I’m sure that you will be blessed for living with God.

I find it also helps to sit before Mass and pray for God’s help in my struggles with jealousy, and to go to confession.

So, I’m not sure that my post really helped with advice, but just know you’re not alone!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I find it also helps to take the long term view. What do you really want for your sister/sibling/in-law? Do you want them to go to heaven someday? Or would them going to hell make you happy? Asking yourself that question has a way of clarifying how you should act now. Maybe make you be more of a help to the salvation of their immortal soul, not a stumbling block.

Deep down, you want them to go to heaven. When all is said and done, you really do love them.

 

[petitfleur]

No advice just hugs:hug1: I can totally relate to your irrational jealousy…at least you could figure out what the problem is. Prayers for you and your sister.oh wait the only advise I have is to pray for your sisters happiness and for her faith everyday even when you dont wanna.

 

[cheeto1]

Sibling rivalry…does it ever end? When you are old, you may be fighting over who
goes to church more…

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Sibling rivalry…does it ever end? When you are old, you may be fighting over who
goes to church more…

Now that’s something I would LOVE to fight with her over!

Thanks,** Liber**, everything you wrote made a lot of sense… But one thing, you suggested leaving the room if she’s being rude/abrasive/etc… I did that once, and my dad said that was letting her get away with it?

Thanks everyone for the continuing prayers, and it’s good to know I’m not alone in this silliness. :hug1: