Parent of a pregnant minor

[Julianna]

As parents of your daughter and future grandparents of this baby, your first obligation of means is to try to find out solutions for keeping the baby* in its natural family.* The biological family is the principle, but the adoptive family is and has to stay the exception. In reading the messages of the OP,* no attempt for solving in other ways the issues.*

The fact abandoning a baby is not the rule, is not very natural and is not very good, like first solution. Before all, the baby has to be protect in the body of the mother, then the exterior in staying with the biological family. Only, very difficult situations can justify, morally speaking,* the abandoning in favor of the adoption.*

The paternal moralism, the maternal moralism and the religious bigotry have to be avoided and even be fought.

Do you want to punish your daughter? If yes, why??? What is your job???

Do you want to punish the father? If yes, why??? Is he a rapist???

For the moment, the parents have the obligation is to protect the mother and her baby.

Says who? Are you kidding me? My and my husband’s obligation was to get our daughter’s baby to LIFE. That’s it. My daughter had no means of caring for herself, let alone a baby. Really? “natural family”? The couple who adopted my daughter’s child, THE COUPLE SHE CHOSE, by the way…the couple she interviewed, the ONLY Catholic couple in the 5 couples in the running.

The agency SCREENED the couples very carefully…see my tag line. I love this agency to this day. Not only did they look out for the couple adopting, they also reached out to my daughter and our family. We were all inclusive in the process. And 9 yrs later, we still are. My daughter has married and now has a child, with a loving husband…as it should be.

 

[Julianna]

Your daughter was 20. The OP’s daughter is 15. The legal situation is substantially different–the OP does have an obligation to house and feed his daughter until she’s a legal adult.

Also, what if your daughter had had an abortion? She could easily have done that, if you’d played the “tough love” card too early. The only reason you “won” this one was that 1) it was presumably late in the pregnancy and 2) your daughter did not want to sacrifice for her baby.

The girls in the maternity home where my daughter was ranged in age from 13 to 22.

No it was early in the pregnancy. She needed to see the forest through the trees…and when she found out she was pregnant she thought wow,…now “the bum” will love me. Yeah, Juliet syndrome…

 

[Julianna]

Insofar as the OP would not love the child and would resent him or her for the next 18 years (and that seems a strong possibility), you’re right that adoption may be the best choice.

By the way, how’s your daughter doing? Has she fixed up her life, finished college, gotten married to a nice guy, had a couple of photogenic kids, and straightened up? Or is she still the very same screw-up she was 9 years ago? If that’s the case, maybe that story isn’t such a great testimonial.

My daughter is married, and has a beautiful daughter. She did not go back to college and reaping the consequences of this by working a retail part time job. She is 29 yrs old now. Her husband has a good full time job. My husband is now retired and cares for our granddaughter while our daughter works. I will retire in 6 yrs.

Yes, my DH and I stuck to our guns and now a couple has a beautiful son and my daughter has found a good man and has started a family.

When my daughter realized that we (my husband and I) were not her banker and real estate agent she straightened up real quick. The rose color glasses came off.

I will support my children (now adults) if they show responsibility and a willingness to learn from their stumbles. My circus, my monkeys.

 

[schaeffer]

My daughter got pregnant at 16, the father was 18.

I think it’s important to look at the entire family/extended family situation objectively and realistically.

Some families have the means and calling to help raise the child.
Others do not.

No harm, no judgment, just the facts. Only with the entire situation laid out can the best decision be made.

If the girls parents, cannot, do not want to help raise the child that is valid and must be factored in. The faith and beliefs and cultures of the families must also be factored in.

There are cultures where a family would never choose to adopt out, it is not part of their tradition. Other cultures feel that placing the child with another family is the best option.

I felt that it was truly my daughter’s choice. I am a mother myself and it is the most important and rewarding thing I have done. I love my children. Keeping and raising a child is an act of love, placing a child when one feels that is the best option is also an act of love.

I also loved my grandson, even before he was born. She, as the mother, was going to be the one who ultimately had to live with her decision for the rest of her life. I suggested she imagine herself down the line and imagine what she wished she would have done. it’s not fool proof, but since the decision does not ONLY affect the now, I think it is important to look ahead, 1 yr, 3 yrs, 5 yrs, 10 yrs, 40 yrs.

I did not want her to feel as if a baby is a curse, and that having a child is a bad thing or a punishment, or a horrible situation that she never wanted anything to do with again.

She chose to keep and raise the baby. It’s not been easy. She finished high school but has not yet gone on to college. Her son is now 5 yrs old. She is a single mom working full time. Her son spends 2 days a week with his father’s family.

He is very much loved by all involved, but even so, the day to day practical issues are without a doubt difficult for her.

He was born 3 months premature due to her becoming ill during her pregnancy. He spent 81 days in NICU. She pumped breast milk at home all during that time. She got an upfront, in your face lesson about the reality of parenthood.

What has been most astonishing and hear warming to me is how her friends have been there to help. That group of young people ALL stepped up, helping any way they could.

Would her son be loved and cared for if he had been placed for adoption? No doubt, but how can determine whether that love and care would be better and make for a better life, or that had she placed him for adoption that her life would be “better”.

it would be different.

My children were born into a two parent family, but grew up in poverty. But now they are adults and doing well for themselves. Being poor is not a guarantee that they will amount to nothing.

My daughter was able to take care of her son because she had family that would pitch in, found all the resources in the community that were available to her, and had a group of friends that also wanted to help.

not all young women have that.

I agree one must think about the well being of the child, but the well being of the mother matters as well.

That was my child and grandchild, not a bad girl and a mistake.

But the situation is so loaded and complex that I cannot presume what is the best decision for another family. Had I gotten pregnant out of wedlock, I don’t believe my family would have been willing to help me, due to their culture and faith, and I probably would have placed my baby.

 

[Julianna]

So essentially, you gave your daughter no choice. You forced her hand. I hope for her own sake that she can completely forgive you one day. You may not even know it, but I’d bet my life that she harbors resentment and anger towards you.

What quality of life could she have given that baby? Well, let’s see…IF she had the love and support of her family:

I was 21 years old with TWO kids when my husband left me. My parents took us in, helped me take care of the kids, gave us unconditional love and support. I received food stamps, medicaid, WIC, cash assistance, full education grants for college (yes, a REAL 4 year university. I attended Kent State University and worked towards acceptance to the Nursing program) and the gov’t fully paid for daycare while I was in class. In the end, it didn’t cost my parents a dime other than the money they blew spoiling their grandchildren. Grandchildren that, to this day, they would die for. Those two babies are 15 and 17 now and they have had a great quality of life. They’ve never known a time when they weren’t loved and they never, ever went without. Gee, we never even had to go live in the ghetto, either.

My parents: mom wound up pregnant when she was 17. This was a few years after her older sister was forced to give her baby up for adoption and after seeing what it did to her, she refused to do it. Her parents essentially told her she would have to leave and she was on her own. She had no idea where she was going to go or what she was going to do but she knew she was not about to give her baby up and she trusted God to help her. Then my other grandparents stepped in. When they found out about her pregnancy, they stepped in and offered every resource they had to help my parents raise that baby. They were completely selfless. My parents married and I came along a few years later. My dad was a hard worker and although we were never rich, we never went without. My sister and I had a great life. I am so thankful that my grandparents stepped in because if they hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here and who knows what would have happened to my sister. And I know it would have completely destroyed my mother if she had no choice but to place her for adoption. She did eventually get her college degree and the career she wanted. I can tell you that she has no regrets.

I have nothing at all against adoption. What I do have a problem with, from personal life experience, is parents pressuring or forcing their daughters to give up their children. Teen mothers CAN be great mothers. My mother was. My MIL was at 16, my best friend from high school was at 16. * But their families stuck together and supported them through thick and thin*. And none of them ever had to live in the ghetto. Which by the way, public housing assistance doesn’t always = the ghetto. I think that’s a really unfair threat to a young pregnant girl. Really unfair.

She needed to see that it was not about what SHE wanted. It was about the quality of life for the child.

You had a husband, you married and had kids. The bum left. I would have taken you in and the children as well in that situation.

My daughter does not resent me or my husband. She has in fact told me that a baby changes everything, how you think, how you feel. You have to “provide”. She knew she could not provide, as my husband and I provided for her as a team. Do you think that Section 8 housing is located on Park Place or Boardwalk? She needed to see exactly what the government and the taxpayers of this state and country were going to provide for her. Here in the red states, it’s not much. We are blue collar family. Everything we have, we worked for. Our daughter needed to step out of the clouds and realize “that don’t come easy”.

She was the only girl in the home that could cook without a recipe. When my daughter made baked chicken with potatoes, carrots and salad, two of the 14 yr olds told her that it was so good like a restaurant. The girls were required to cook a meal on a rotating basis. Two of the girls didn’t know how to run a washing machine or how much soap to add to the washer. Three of the girls didn’t know how to use a check book or have any idea why you need first and last months rent before you move in to a place. Her room mate also 20 didn’t think it was necessary to learn to cook or do laundry. When my daughter asked her “why”? She said, “oh, my mom and dad are going to do all that when I move back home with the baby.” Really? Really? Are you kidding me? And these girls are ready to parent? My daughter was the “rich” girl in the home. I found that fascinating when she told me. Our median HH income 10 yrs ago was less than $50K. Rich, yeah, we’re loaded.

My daughter had the skills to run a home, but she didn’t have one, nor did she have the means to get one. Add a baby to the mix and pressure is 10X harder. She needed to “SEE” that.

 

[masondoggy]

You had a husband, you married and had kids. The bum left. I would have taken you in and the children as well in that situation.

But how is that any different than if he had gotten me pregnant out of wedlock and then split? The result was the same. I was a young mother with no means to support myself. Why would you take your daughter in in one situation and not the other? Your daughter and I were roughly the same age. We were in the same situation. We had a kid and no means to support it. I think I had it a little worse because I had two which means double the diapers and child care cost. The only difference is that I was married. I made a dumb decision to get married at 19 to a guy that wasn’t ready to be married. Just as your daughter made the dumb decision to have sex with a guy that wasn’t ready to be a father. We both made mistakes. Only difference is I had a ring on my finger.

I’m very glad that everything worked out well for your daughter. But the point I’m trying to make is that often times these girls that are forced to give up their babies DON’T end up OK. They battle mental illness the rest of their lives. I’ve witnessed it. And I’m trying to point out that the pain doesn’t just affect the mother, it may also affect her future children.

All I’m saying to the OP is to just stop and think this through before going down that road. * It doesn’t have to be that way. *With her parents support and the resources available in the community, his daughter could successfully raise this baby and avoid the mental anguish. It can be done, it HAS been done many, many times. I’m just trying to point that out.

I’m not passing judgement on him. I’m not calling him a bad father. I understand he’s angry and scared for his daughter right now (I GET IT, my 15 year old daughter just gave me a pregnancy scare). I"m just trying to offer real life experience to encourage him to stop and think this through and evaluate all the possible ramifications of any decision that is made.

 

[Nan_S]

The personal anecdotes about successful teen mothering experiences are inspiring.

One thing overlooked here is that the pregnant teen in this case is both 15 and hasn’t even started high school yet.

I started first grade early. By the time I was 15 I had finished 10th grade and was entering 11th. If I had gotten pregnant at 15 I would have given birth near the end of my junior year in high school. I could have taken the GED the day I turned 16 and passed it on my first attempt (I earned good grades and I’m good with tests). I could have taken a year off from school to work and care for my baby, then gone straight to community college. But I am the exception to the rule.

This girl will give birth about halfway through her 9th grade year. She doesn’t know half of the things she needs to know to get her GED. When this baby is born she won’t even have been exposed to half of the things she needs to know to pass the GED. Losing a month or more from school in the middle of her 9th grade year and having to parent a newborn isn’t going to improve her ability to pass 9th grade.

She’s already a year behind in school due to circumstances beyond her control when she was little. If she keeps this baby there’s a very good chance she’ll fall behind another year in school before she graduates… if she graduates.

This is one of the reasons I said that that we need to respect her father’s judgment about her level of maturity and her ability to be both a teen mother and a student.

 

[bitterhope]

My sister stayed in a maternity home as well. The girls in the home she stayed in were nothing like the ones you describe at the home your daughter stayed in. Most were foster care children. My sister and a 2 others (out of 14 girls age 12-16) had a real home to return to when they had their babies. The other 11 were in state custody. All of them cooked, did their own laundry, cleaned, attended school at the center, took turns working in the nursery…the home also ran a day school for grade 6-12 for girls who lived at home but needed school with child care or during pregnancy. All girls took consumer math as well as personal finance classes, all became certified in first aid/CPR, all took parenting classes, received help to apply for services, and whatever else they needed. Most kept their babies but some adopted out through Catholic Charities. Many formed life long friendships and continue being there for one another, regardless of whether they kept their babies or not. Most have been at least temporarily in section 8 housing in a red state–none lived in the ghetto. I’m assuming that not all maternity homes are the same, but it’s really hard for me to believe that the picture painted is 100% accurate. I’ve also volunteered at three maternity homes in three different states and not had a group of girls like that in any of them. Very few of the girls who come through the pregnancy crisis center I’m at right now (volunteer each Saturday) are so disillusioned–especially the ones from poor families!–that they don’t know how to use a washer or cook a basic meal.

It’s really sad how often tiny babies get blamed for so many problems. Often times babies bring around positive changes in people’s lives instead of compounding trouble. So many parents look at a pregnancy as an insurmountable burden, and as soon as baby comes they don’t understand why they ever thought that. Babies are blessings and not just some task to take care of. I honestly feel like my husband is more work for me than my kids are and there’s just 1 of him and 8 kids! Babies don’t need to cost a lot of money, they don’t need to hold a person back. Babies can be a great motivator towards a better life instead of a roadblock. And even if a family does live in poverty that does not mean they don’t deserve to be parents. More money does not mean you will be a better parent. Being a college graduate doesn’t mean you will be a better parent. Keeping your baby because you want to raise him doesn’t make you selfish.

What happens if mom finally “agrees” with adoption, but then changes her mind once the baby is born? What if dad refuses to sign the adoption papers and keeps baby himself and sues for child support? What happens if the couple decides that they fight the adoption in a few years because mom was pressured to sign against her will? What plans are in place to help mom with the grief if losing her child if she does go for the adoption? You’ve mentioned her saying she will be sad and seem to dismiss the anguish she will feel as if she will just get over it. This isn’t a pet we are talking about. This is her baby, her flesh and blood. What if you were adopting one if your 5 out? Being sad wouldn’t describe the amount of loss you would feel.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

But how is that any different than if he had gotten me pregnant out of wedlock and then split? The result was the same. I was a young mother with no means to support myself. Why would you take your daughter in in one situation and not the other? Your daughter and I were roughly the same age. We were in the same situation. We had a kid and no means to support it. I think I had it a little worse because I had two which means double the diapers and child care cost. The only difference is that I was married. I made a dumb decision to get married at 19 to a guy that wasn’t ready to be married. Just as your daughter made the dumb decision to have sex with a guy that wasn’t ready to be a father. We both made mistakes. Only difference is I had a ring on my finger.

It seems to be more about punishing the pregnant daughter than anything else.

You’re right, the situation is the same. And I think that trying to force someone into giving their child up for adoption is downright grotesque, regardless of the circumstances surrounding the conception.

Oh, and all of the people recommending “open adoptions” are either misinformed or misrepresenting the situation. An adoptive mother can, and frequently will close the adoption as the child grows up, and that’s devastating for the birth family who either didn’t realize that was a legal possibility, or trusted that the birth mother wouldn’t do it.

 

[Radish]

My father kicked my sister out when she was 17 when she had her baby. He told her he didn’t want to raise her baby too. He didn’t even give her a chance to find a job or even talk about it. He wanted her to give her kid away.

Guess who took them in? My BIL’s parents. Guess who my sister resented for years until he died? My dad.

They got marred and had another child. She spends all of her holidays with his family - and I can’t really blame her. I barely got to see my niece and nephew. We did get to see them - at least my sister didn’t cut off all contact - but she brought up his betrayal quite often.

My cousin was adopted. Her bio mother was forced to give her baby away when she was a teen by her father as well. She finally met her daughter several decades after her birth. Her bio mom no longer talks to her father.

You may get lucky and she may thank you later - but I’ve not seen it in my family.

 

[Julianna]

My sister stayed in a maternity home as well. The girls in the home she stayed in were nothing like the ones you describe at the home your daughter stayed in. Most were foster care children. My sister and a 2 others (out of 14 girls age 12-16) had a real home to return to when they had their babies. The other 11 were in state custody. All of them cooked, did their own laundry, cleaned, attended school at the center, took turns working in the nursery…the home also ran a day school for grade 6-12 for girls who lived at home but needed school with child care or during pregnancy. All girls took consumer math as well as personal finance classes, all became certified in first aid/CPR, all took parenting classes, received help to apply for services, and whatever else they needed. Most kept their babies but some adopted out through Catholic Charities. Many formed life long friendships and continue being there for one another, regardless of whether they kept their babies or not. Most have been at least temporarily in section 8 housing in a red state–none lived in the ghetto. I’m assuming that not all maternity homes are the same, but it’s really hard for me to believe that the picture painted is 100% accurate. I’ve also volunteered at three maternity homes in three different states and not had a group of girls like that in any of them. Very few of the girls who come through the pregnancy crisis center I’m at right now (volunteer each Saturday) are so disillusioned–especially the ones from poor families!–that they don’t know how to use a washer or cook a basic meal.

It’s really sad how often tiny babies get blamed for so many problems. Often times babies bring around positive changes in people’s lives instead of compounding trouble. So many parents look at a pregnancy as an insurmountable burden, and as soon as baby comes they don’t understand why they ever thought that. Babies are blessings and not just some task to take care of. I honestly feel like my husband is more work for me than my kids are and there’s just 1 of him and 8 kids! Babies don’t need to cost a lot of money, they don’t need to hold a person back. Babies can be a great motivator towards a better life instead of a roadblock. And even if a family does live in poverty that does not mean they don’t deserve to be parents. More money does not mean you will be a better parent. Being a college graduate doesn’t mean you will be a better parent. Keeping your baby because you want to raise him doesn’t make you selfish.

What happens if mom finally “agrees” with adoption, but then changes her mind once the baby is born? What if dad refuses to sign the adoption papers and keeps baby himself and sues for child support? What happens if the couple decides that they fight the adoption in a few years because mom was pressured to sign against her will? What plans are in place to help mom with the grief if losing her child if she does go for the adoption? You’ve mentioned her saying she will be sad and seem to dismiss the anguish she will feel as if she will just get over it. This isn’t a pet we are talking about. This is her baby, her flesh and blood. What if you were adopting one if your 5 out? Being sad wouldn’t describe the amount of loss you would feel.

The 13 yr old was sent via DSS and she was clueless, as the man who got her pregnant was her mother’s boyfriend who is now serving time. The 14 yr olds were from upper middle class families who’s mommy did everything for them…cooked and did laundry. The 20 yr old “expected” her parents to do whatever or she threatened them never to see her or the baby. Yeah, ok, honey, I’ll help ya pack. Remember, my daughter was kicked out for month and the princess, begged to come home when her “friends” wouldn’t put her up and take care of her. Yes, the home teaches all the things you mentioned, but in order to “learn” something, you have to be an “apt pupil”. These girls were not. Yes, all but two kept their babies and I have no idea how they are doing. Yep, it’s possible they all graduated Summa Cum Laude from Harvard and married one of the Kennedy’s. Doubtful, but maybe. One of the girls age 15 was caught up in a drug bust with her 29 yr old illegal immigrant drug runner. So there was very multi cultural group there. It offered my daughter to see and experience other lives and hardships or total enabling by the parents. These are the women of the future, these are her peers when adulthood really kicks in, at 20, it doesn’t kick in. She saw the light of day. It would have been easy for me to be just another 50 something pushing a cart in Wal-Mart looking like I’m 70 with daughter in tow telling me how she “needs” me to buy this and that “for the baby” and that she is going out tonight with James, John, Mark, whoever boyfriend of the week.

Not happening on my watch. Call it heartless, call it cruel, but my husband and I were not willing to take up the cause. There are millions of infertile couples out there praying night and day for a child, while some little self centered snit thinks mommy and daddy are not only going to take up the slack, but are going to put “their” lives on hold, until their little princess finds prince charming. She who waits for her prince, cleans up after his horse. Become a woman, before you become a mother.

I never thought I would say this, but the OP is the head of the household…and all of you who tow this line on other threads…it’s time to pay the piper. His circus, his monkeys.

This man is angry, distraught, upset, as he should be. His emotions are valid. Now he needs to clear his head and focus solely on what is best for this baby and yes for his daughter, who at 15 is waiting for prince charming. I news for ya darlin’ he doesn’t exist.

 

[PaulinVA]

My father kicked my sister out when she was 17 when she had her baby. He told her he didn’t want to raise her baby too. He didn’t even give her a chance to find a job or even talk about it. He wanted her to give her kid away.

Guess who took them in? My BIL’s parents. Guess who my sister resented for years until he died? My dad.

They got marred and had another child. She spends all of her holidays with his family - and I can’t really blame her. I barely got to see my niece and nephew. We did get to see them - at least my sister didn’t cut off all contact - but she brought up his betrayal quite often.

My cousin was adopted. Her bio mother was forced to give her baby away when she was a teen by her father as well. She finally met her daughter several decades after her birth. Her bio mom no longer talks to her father.

You may get lucky and she may thank you later - but I’ve not seen it in my family.

So, is the anger and resentment on the part of the parents in this situation supposed to be overlooked? Great, your sister became pregnant and expected your parents to upend their lives to help her through her mistake. When they didn’t, SHE was miffed about it?

It’s very interesting reading this thread and seeing what people’s expectations are for children and parents caught up in this situation.

Also, I notice in almost all of these “success” stories of having children at a very young age a husband seems to be the key to a good outcome. I find that very disconcerting.

 

[bitterhope]

Yes it has been enlightening. It’s hard to believe that if a parent has a child so far off the deep end that they feel disgusted by them, and then they think a baby is the worst possible thing they could possibly have to deal with. And it’s hard to believe how many parents place conditions upon their children whether they are deserving of love, help and support. What about if this girl had been having sex and not gotten pregnant? Or had gotten pregnant and aborted before dad found out? Apparently her other behavior or her other school troubles weren’t deal breakers so life would just continue as usual for all involved. But since baby is coming, the whole world changed. I’m unfortunately not surprised, but it still bothers me that people place so much emphasis on babies being burdens instead of viewing them as a blessing from God and a gift to be cherished. No wonder so many in the pro choice camp see pro life people as judgmental and only thinking of the baby in the womb. This mom is in need of love and support now more than ever in her life. She should be congratulated for being courageous and telling her parents, choosing to have the baby. Many hide their pregnancies as long as possible and usually the story ends very poorly for all involved. Even more have abortions and never tell their parents. Dad says it’s best for the baby and isn’t worried that daughter will be devastated. He talks about getting rid of her baby like it’s a puppy, she’ll be sad but she’ll get over it someday. Many people view pro lifers as uncaring towards the moms, and unwilling to help babies once they are born. Maybe there is more truth in that than many are willing to see.

And at 20 years old I was running a household on my own in a different country than my entire family lived, pregnant with my third child, with a husband deployed to yet another country. I find it so hard to believe that if there are 22 year olds in maternity homes that are unable to wash clothes that it is anyone’s fault other than the 22 year old’s mom and dad. And if I as a mom messed up that badly, I have no one to blame other than myself. Yes, I’m done here. This is so messed up.

 

[Kelfa28]

Yes it has been enlightening. It’s hard to believe that if a parent has a child so far off the deep end that they feel disgusted by them, and then they think a baby is the worst possible thing they could possibly have to deal with. And it’s hard to believe how many parents place conditions upon their children whether they are deserving of love, help and support. What about if this girl had been having sex and not gotten pregnant? Or had gotten pregnant and aborted before dad found out? Apparently her other behavior or her other school troubles weren’t deal breakers so life would just continue as usual for all involved. But since baby is coming, the whole world changed. I’m unfortunately not surprised, but it still bothers me that people place so much emphasis on babies being burdens instead of viewing them as a blessing from God and a gift to be cherished. No wonder so many in the pro choice camp see pro life people as judgmental and only thinking of the baby in the womb. This mom is in need of love and support now more than ever in her life. She should be congratulated for being courageous and telling her parents, choosing to have the baby. Many hide their pregnancies as long as possible and usually the story ends very poorly for all involved. Even more have abortions and never tell their parents. Dad says it’s best for the baby and isn’t worried that daughter will be devastated. He talks about getting rid of her baby like it’s a puppy, she’ll be sad but she’ll get over it someday. Many people view pro lifers as uncaring towards the moms, and unwilling to help babies once they are born. Maybe there is more truth in that than many are willing to see.

And at 20 years old I was running a household on my own in a different country than my entire family lived, pregnant with my third child, with a husband deployed to yet another country. I find it so hard to believe that if there are 22 year olds in maternity homes that are unable to wash clothes that it is anyone’s fault other than the 22 year old’s mom and dad. And if I as a mom messed up that badly, I have no one to blame other than myself. Yes, I’m done here. This is so messed up.

Amen

 

[Radish]

So, is the anger and resentment on the part of the parents in this situation supposed to be overlooked? Great, your sister became pregnant and expected your parents to upend their lives to help her through her mistake. When they didn’t, SHE was miffed about it?

It’s very interesting reading this thread and seeing what people’s expectations are for children and parents caught up in this situation.

Also, I notice in almost all of these “success” stories of having children at a very young age a husband seems to be the key to a good outcome. I find that very disconcerting.

Take from it what you will. The op will do what he wishes anyway. This is just what happened in my family. I’m not saying the parents shouldn’t be upset but forcing adoption or get the heck out wasn’t a good option in my family.

 

[Julianna]

Yes it has been enlightening. It’s hard to believe that if a parent has a child so far off the deep end that they feel disgusted by them, and then they think a baby is the worst possible thing they could possibly have to deal with. And it’s hard to believe how many parents place conditions upon their children whether they are deserving of love, help and support. What about if this girl had been having sex and not gotten pregnant? Or had gotten pregnant and aborted before dad found out? Apparently her other behavior or her other school troubles weren’t deal breakers so life would just continue as usual for all involved. But since baby is coming, the whole world changed. I’m unfortunately not surprised, but it still bothers me that people place so much emphasis on babies being burdens instead of viewing them as a blessing from God and a gift to be cherished. No wonder so many in the pro choice camp see pro life people as judgmental and only thinking of the baby in the womb. This mom is in need of love and support now more than ever in her life. She should be congratulated for being courageous and telling her parents, choosing to have the baby. Many hide their pregnancies as long as possible and usually the story ends very poorly for all involved. Even more have abortions and never tell their parents. Dad says it’s best for the baby and isn’t worried that daughter will be devastated. He talks about getting rid of her baby like it’s a puppy, she’ll be sad but she’ll get over it someday. Many people view pro lifers as uncaring towards the moms, and unwilling to help babies once they are born. Maybe there is more truth in that than many are willing to see.

And at 20 years old I was running a household on my own in a different country than my entire family lived, pregnant with my third child, with a husband deployed to yet another country. I find it so hard to believe that if there are 22 year olds in maternity homes that are unable to wash clothes that it is anyone’s fault other than the 22 year old’s mom and dad. And if I as a mom messed up that badly, I have no one to blame other than myself. Yes, I’m done here. This is so messed up.

You had the US military and the bennies that come with it behind you. Many girls do not have this. I work with the military and I see many young families under 20. Of course if the guy wants a family, he joins the military. Income, housing, healthcare…no brainer…it’s been happening for years. Yes, I agree, it is the fault of the 22 yr olds mother…or just parents. It is usually the mother who is the enabler of her daughter and the mess ups she gets herself into. Guilt takes over, and the threats…yes, my dear the threats from the **daughter…“I’ll run away, he loves me, he’ll get a job, you’ll see, I’ll go back to school…I can do this”… ** **Yeah, ok sweetie, whatever you say, meantime tell the girls you can’t go to “girls night out” at the Cabana tonight, because because the baby is sick. ** **What? You are going baby sit right? What do you mean you and dad can’t babysit? Why not? ** **Well, darlin’ we have a life too. ** Talk about hitting a brick wall at high speed. I didn’t want my daughter to go through that. So I took her on a “tour” of reality of the single unwed woman. Stats don’t lie. Finally the light dawned over marblehead.

Yes, it is messed up, I totally agree. Women need to “think” before they don the rose colored glasses and believe that having a family at a young age is going to be pure bliss. My husband and I waited two years after we were married to have children…because we were not financially set. He had a new job and I had a new job. We worked toward stability to provide for as many children as we would be lucky to have. We had two, we are happy with the two. I am a new grandmother now…and happy as I can be. Very proud my daughter put her needs aside for the sake of that little fella 9 yrs ago. She now has a real man and new baby that “they” together can provide for. That is a band wagon, I am willing to support.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

The 13 yr old was sent via DSS and she was clueless, as the man who got her pregnant was her mother’s boyfriend who is now serving time.

That’s terrible

 

[fpt]

Says who? Are you kidding me? My and my husband’s obligation was to get our daughter’s baby to LIFE. That’s it. My daughter had no means of caring for herself, let alone a baby. Really? “natural family”? The couple who adopted my daughter’s child, THE COUPLE SHE CHOSE, by the way…the couple she interviewed, the ONLY Catholic couple in the 5 couples in the running.

The agency SCREENED the couples very carefully…see my tag line. I love this agency to this day. Not only did they look out for the couple adopting, they also reached out to my daughter and our family. We were all inclusive in the process. And 9 yrs later, we still are. My daughter has married and now has a child, with a loving husband…as it should be.

The catholic parents have family obligations in favor of their children: that is the responsible procreation and Co.

The contents are:
the opening to the life, the responsibility in the procreation, the catholic christian education, spiritual education, moral education, the natural education, the mental / psychical / psychical education, the affective education, the sexual education, the intellectual education, the cultural education, the physical education, the manual education. The purpose is to do adults (body, soul and heart);
The protection of each children, until the age of majority and / or the age of the capacity for being responsible and independent in order to be confront to the real life;
The help and the support of each child, objectively speaking, in function of their situations, even after the age of the majority:* the solidarity between the family generations.*

Those obligations are moral obligations of means: the objective tries are essential in function of the capacities and faculties of each couple.

The adoption is only the ultimate solution, not the first and not the rule. The adoption has to be chosen,** only, like the last solution**, after having to try to search the others. The adoption must not be presented by the parents *like the principle solution.
*

The adoption is the exception, the exception, the exception, the exception.

 

[PaulinVA]

Take from it what you will. The op will do what he wishes anyway. This is just what happened in my family. I’m not saying the parents shouldn’t be upset but forcing adoption or get the heck out wasn’t a good option in my family.

You are assuming that in your family having your parents upend their lives to take care of their child and grandchild would have been a better solution. Maybe not.

This idea that parents have to clean up all of their kids’ messes is fine in theory. In practice, spending another ten or twenty years of their life raising another child when they want to finally relax after raising their own children is a huge burden that they do not have to take on. A child is not entitled to have his his/her parents raise their baby if they or their girlfriend become pregnant.

For the teens/early twenties who are reading this thread - your takeaway should be that if you have sex, the logical, biologically expected outcome is that you will become pregnant, even if you think you are using “protection” correctly. Are you ready to put your family through this?

 

[Julianna]

The catholic parents have family obligations in favor of their children: that is the responsible procreation and Co.

The contents are:
the opening to the life, the responsibility in the procreation, the catholic christian education, spiritual education, moral education, the natural education, the mental / psychical / psychical education, the affective education, the sexual education, the intellectual education, the cultural education, the physical education, the manual education. The purpose is to do adults (body, soul and heart);
The protection of each children, until the age of majority and / or the age of the capacity for being responsible and independent in order to be confront to the real life;
The help and the support of each child, objectively speaking, in function of their situations, even after the age of the majority:* the solidarity between the family generations.*

Those obligations are moral obligations of means: the objective tries are essential in function of the capacities and faculties of each couple.

The adoption is only the ultimate solution, not the first and not the rule. The adoption has to be chosen,** only, like the last solution**, after having to try to search the others. The adoption must not be presented by the parents *like the principle solution.
*

The adoption is the exception, the exception, the exception, the exception.

Well call the Vatican police and put me in handcuffs. Really? Exception? You can state that until the cows come home and if we had to do it over again, YES, we would. There is a wonderful 9 yr old little fella in a loving home with two “stable” parents vs. a young, uneducated, unskilled woman, pining after a druggie who could care less and his idea of a good time is doing drugs, living in filth and talking smack. As a matter of fact, when the counselor went to him to sign away his rights, his father, yes, his father, told him “YOU ARE SIGNING THOSE PAPERS!” His parents and stepparents came to our home and thanked us for sticking to our guns and giving this CHILD a life. The bum in the last nine yrs went on to father two more children, by two different women and at the age of 34, has done absolutely nothing with his life. Yeah, I want that dirtbag in my life for the rest of my life. NOT HAPPENING!

Yep, that’s the life for a child alright? Sorry, bud, I think more of the CHILD than what my princess wanted. She came around after we told her what kind of life, the innocent would live and we made it CLEAR, we were not raising another child. (oh, and I had a hysterectomy at 31, so it wasn’t happening for us)