Parent of a pregnant minor

[allycat10]

I think the first step is to have a cool down period. You and your wife are understandably upset and shocked with this situation. The good thing is that she is not having the baby tomorrow, there are several months ahead to pray, think, and love your daughter. Take some time to gather your thoughts (and your wife’s) and then sit down and talk with your daughter. And as others have said, explain what options are and what they will look like. While she engaged in grown-up behavior, she is still a child.

Adoption is the best case scenario for the baby, but remember it has to be a decision made by your daughter, not you. Demanding her to do it will cause a major rift down the road. Also, I would not forbid her to see the father of the baby. If I were you, I would contact his parents and once you and your wife have had the talk with her, engage him and his parents as well. Because if she does choose adoption, he will have to sign off his rights. I don’t think that will occur smoothly unless there has been some serious dialogue already.

Also, as much as you don’t want to hear this, I definitely would not take the possibility of your daughter raising the baby off the table, this even if she chooses adoption. Remember the overwhelming feeling of love you had when you held each of your children for the first time? This may happen to all of you with this baby.

So… pray, pray, pray… and love, love, love… She is your daughter and the baby on the way is your grandchild.

 

[Xantippe]

I think the first step is to have a cool down period. You and your wife are understandably upset and shocked with this situation. The good thing is that she is not having the baby tomorrow, there are several months ahead to pray, think, and love your daughter. Take some time to gather your thoughts (and your wife’s) and then sit down and talk with your daughter. And as others have said, explain what options are and what they will look like. While she engaged in grown-up behavior, she is still a child.

Adoption is the best case scenario for the baby, but remember it has to be a decision made by your daughter, not you. Demanding her to do it will cause a major rift down the road. Also, I would not forbid her to see the father of the baby. If I were you, I would contact his parents and once you and your wife have had the talk with her, engage him and his parents as well. Because if she does choose adoption, he will have to sign off his rights. I don’t think that will occur smoothly unless there has been some serious dialogue already.

Also, as much as you don’t want to hear this, I definitely would not take the possibility of your daughter raising the baby off the table, this even if she chooses adoption. Remember the overwhelming feeling of love you had when you held each of your children for the first time? This may happen to all of you with this baby.

So… pray, pray, pray… and love, love, love… She is your daughter and the baby on the way is your grandchild.

Yes!

There’s lots of time to think about this.

In the meantime, she should just focus on school.

 

[BellsMom]

Also, the OP has legal obligations to a minor child. He could get into legal hot water if he attempts to kick out a pregnant 15-year-old daughter. At the very least, you’d get a call from CPS.

The parents of a minor child with a baby can petition to have the child emancipated. She is then free to apply for public housing aid and other social services. Grandparents can not be forced to take on the responsibility of their minor child’s minor child.

I also think it’s ridiculous to imply that the OP doesn’t love his daughter. She made disastrous choice to have sex that has changed the lives of her entire family forever. A baby may be a gift and blessing in the larger sense, but its can also be an incredible burden to many families. Ignoring that fact is denying reality. I’m not surprised that he’s angry and disappointed.

 

[Xantippe]

The parents of a minor child with a baby can petition to have the child emancipated. She is then free to apply for public housing aid and other social services. Grandparents can not be forced to take on the responsibility of their minor child’s minor child.

I also think it’s ridiculous to imply that the OP doesn’t love his daughter. She made disastrous choice to have sex that has changed the lives of her entire family forever. A baby may be a gift and blessing in the larger sense, but its can also be an incredible burden to many families. Ignoring that fact is denying reality. I’m not surprised that he’s angry and disappointed.

It’s ridiculous to think of emancipating a 15-year-old girl and sending her off to a life of public housing, food stamps and what not if the family has any other choices. What kind of future is that girl and that baby going to have with that kind of start? What a terrible idea.

It’s more reasonable to offer her the following options:

1. adoption and a normal high school and college life

or

1. live at home with the baby, take primary charge for the baby during non-school, non-work hours, do baby’s laundry, no extracurricular activities, no baby-free evening outings (except maybe once in a blue moon), and work a 40-hour week during the summer (with perhaps half of her pay going to mom to cover childcare and half going to her own savings with the plan of having substantial personal savings by the time she reaches 18). Also, draw up a reasonable plan for college. (Example: live at home and attend community college for the first two years and then she’s on her own.) Also, attend a personal finance class with dad.

You can make the terms for living at home as demanding as you like.

I’d recommend reading Dave Ramsey’s Smart Money Smart Kids for inspiration on launching her. The ideal should be that by 18, she should be almost capable of heading out on her own with the kid.

 

[allycat10]

The parents of a minor child with a baby can petition to have the child emancipated. She is then free to apply for public housing aid and other social services. Grandparents can not be forced to take on the responsibility of their minor child’s minor child.

I also think it’s ridiculous to imply that the OP doesn’t love his daughter. She made disastrous choice to have sex that has changed the lives of her entire family forever. A baby may be a gift and blessing in the larger sense, but its can also be an incredible burden to many families. Ignoring that fact is denying reality. I’m not surprised that he’s angry and disappointed.

I believe the OP loves his daughter but I imagine he is very angry with her. I am the mother of two girls, one is about to be a teen. If either of them ever approached me that they were pregnant (in their teens or unmarried), I would be so livid, I’d spit fire! I would probably not be able to get over the shock and anger for a while. When I say “love…love”, I mean love through the anger. That’ part is not easy to do. To cool off so that he can present his daughter the options in front of her. She is probably scared and realizes to some extent that what she did was not right . I think approaching with the ultimatum of give up baby or move out may drive to make even poorer choices.

 

[maryjk]

or

1. live at home with the baby, take primary charge for the baby during non-school, non-work hours, do baby’s laundry, no extracurricular activities, no baby-free evening outings (except maybe once in a blue moon), and work a 40-hour week during the summer (with perhaps half of her pay going to mom to cover childcare and half going to her own savings with the plan of having substantial personal savings by the time she reaches 18). Also, draw up a reasonable plan for college. (Example: live at home and attend community college for the first two years and then she’s on her own.) Also, attend a personal finance class with dad.

Um, who is suppose to watch the baby during school hours? Or work hours?

Or are we assuming that Grandma is going to do that? Either quit her job or pay for daycare? Or are we to assume that Grandma is home all day with tons of free time to take care of a baby?

 

[Rau]

My 15 year old daughter has gotten herself pregnant and my wife and I are obviously distraught and disgusted. We’ve worked hard to put her through a Catholic school and we are very active in the church, we have provided her with a strong moral foundation and are very disappointed. My wife is absolutely beside herself. Obviously we have cut off all contact between her and the father and are looking into the statutory rape laws in our state, he’s 17. My wife and I are just not in the financial position to take care of another child in addition to the 5 we have with 1 in college which is very expensive. And frankly we refuse to clean up and take responsibility for her indiscretions. She expects her mother to just take care of the baby while she’s off leading the carefree life of a school girl and everything magically falls into place. We’ve gone from gently encouraging her to think about adoption to demanding she contact catholic charities but she is adamant she is keeping the baby. I’ve tried to explain the magnitude of the situation, how her future will be ruined as will the child’s but she is not thinking rationally. We’ve gone over what a wonderful selfless gift this could be to a deserving, stable couple as well as being a gift of a future to her and the child. Her only retort is she may be sad! As the parent of a pregnant minor what rights do I have? May I contact the adoption agency? Can I demand she place the baby for adoption? What can I do (besides pray, obviously we are praying fervently)? :banghead:

I note your financial difficulties, but if your wife had become pregnant, would you insist on adoption?

I doubt you can compel adoption, and if the parents are unwilling, it may not be a fruitful course. I suggest you work on a plan that sees the child properly cared for, and the parents coming to an understanding of their responsibilities.

 

[Xantippe]

Um, who is suppose to watch the baby during school hours? Or work hours?

Or are we assuming that Grandma is going to do that? Either quit her job or pay for daycare? Or are we to assume that Grandma is home all day with tons of free time to take care of a baby?

I was assuming that mom is home, as it’s a family with five kids.

If mom is not home, taking darling daughter out of Catholic school will free up some funds for daycare.

Also, using the money that would have gone for daughter’s college for daycare and baby expenses is another option.

There are lots of options.

(One of them is that the OP is trolling CAF.)

 

[MaryT777]

It’s ridiculous to think of emancipating a 15-year-old girl and sending her off to a life of public housing, food stamps and what not if the family has any other choices. What kind of future is that girl and that baby going to have with that kind of start? What a terrible idea.

It’s more reasonable to offer her the following options:

1. adoption and a normal high school and college life

or

1. live at home with the baby, take primary charge for the baby during non-school, non-work hours, do baby’s laundry, no extracurricular activities, no baby-free evening outings (except maybe once in a blue moon), and work a 40-hour week during the summer (with perhaps half of her pay going to mom to cover childcare and half going to her own savings with the plan of having substantial personal savings by the time she reaches 18). Also, draw up a reasonable plan for college. (Example: live at home and attend community college for the first two years and then she’s on her own.) Also, attend a personal finance class with dad.

You can make the terms for living at home as demanding as you like.

I’d recommend reading Dave Ramsey’s Smart Money Smart Kids for inspiration on launching her. The ideal should be that by 18, she should be almost capable of heading out on her own with the kid.

That defies every stat of teen age mothers even finishing high school.
Mary.

 

[Rau]

That defies every stat of teen age mothers even finishing high school.
Mary.

Maybe so, but the young couple have set their course. They cannot be compelled to put the child for adoption. What is the next best option?

 

[MaryT777]

Maybe so, but the young couple have set their course. They cannot be compelled to put the child for adoption. What is the next best option?

The parents don’t want to raise the child though as expressed in the initial post. They can’t be forced to do so either.
Mary.

 

[Xantippe]

That defies every stat of teen age mothers even finishing high school.
Mary.

Presumably, the average teen mom doesn’t have a lot of support at home. With better than average home support, she should be able to achieve better than average results with school.

 

[Rau]

The parents don’t want to raise the child though as expressed in the initial post. They can’t be forced to do so either.
Mary.

Agreed. What course do you recommend as the next best if adoption can’t be secured?

 

[MaryT777]

Presumably, the average teen mom doesn’t have a lot of support at home. With better than average home support, she should be able to achieve better than average results with school.

Yes I agree and that would be the ideal, but it might not appear to me that she has better than average support at home unfortunately that is the reality.

I pray for a positive outcome for the child wh is innocent in all of this. Teenage parents usually simply do not work out as the best parents a child could have.

Mary.

 

[catholicmamajoy]

Um, who is suppose to watch the baby during school hours? Or work hours?

Or are we assuming that Grandma is going to do that? Either quit her job or pay for daycare? Or are we to assume that Grandma is home all day with tons of free time to take care of a baby?

I have only boys, but if I had a daughter and she became pregnant at age 15, I would encourage her to look into placing the baby for adoption. If she was adamant in wanting to keep the baby, I would have her finish out high school via an accredited online program or homeschooling instead of “night school” or a GED. Even if the mom in this scenario (OP’s wife) works outside the home full-time, there is no reason a 15 -18 year-old cannot complete a bulk of schoolwork during the day by herself…even with caring for a newborn. By the time the young mom is ready for college, the baby will be at the age for a preschool program and like others have mentioned, a community college would be a good start. Most colleges and universities have online courses if scheduling needs to be done around preschool or a part-time job. Of course, we’re assuming that the young lady would be willing to do these things and not plan on jumping back into a typical teen life of attending high school football games and parties…if she wants to keep the baby instead of choosing adoption, she needs to make her child and her education the primary focus.

 

[Xantippe]

The parents don’t want to raise the child though as expressed in the initial post. They can’t be forced to do so either.
Mary.

If their daughter sticks to her guns, they may have to choose between:

1. daughter and baby

or

1. no baby, but no daughter.

If the daughter doesn’t stick to her guns (but wants to keep the baby), there’s potential for endless resentment. Thanksgiving dinner is going to taste DELICIOUS if every time the family gathers, the daughter says (or is thinking), “Remember how you made me give up my baby when I didn’t want to? Isn’t it too bad my kid isn’t with us tonight? Tell me again about your Christian charity and how important family is.” Christmas, in particular, could be particularly terrible, for obvious reasons.

 

[MaryT777]

If their daughter sticks to her guns, they may have to choose between:

1. daughter and baby

or

1. no baby, but no daughter.

If the daughter doesn’t stick to her guns (but wants to keep the baby), there’s potential for endless resentment. Thanksgiving dinner is going to taste DELICIOUS if every time the family gathers, the daughter says (or is thinking), “Remember how you made me give up my baby when I didn’t want to? Isn’t it too bad my kid isn’t with us tonight? Tell me again about your Christian charity and how important family is.” Christmas, in particular, could be particularly terrible, for obvious reasons.

Yes but I’ve seen the opposite also with teens; NO ONE TOLD ME I’d have to give up my friends, homeschool or get a GED online, give up my life for this. It’s tooooo hard.
Saying it is one thing but doing so is difficult as the stats clearly show as far as even high school completion.

I do wish the family the best and hope for a good resolution for all.

Mary.

 

[johnphilip1972]

Well I bit the bullet and my wife and I had a talk with the boy’s parents. This was very much a shock to them as well but I am slightly more at ease. They seem very concerned and I am confident “Romeo” will be taken care of. They are fully on board with adoption, in fact the mother was adopted herself and has expressed interest in talking to my daughter about it. We’re going to set up an appointment with a counselor from Catholic Charities to speak to her as well. We’re trying to educate ourselves on various aspects, open vs closed, private vs agency and things of that nature. If anyone could help I’d be much obliged. And thank you for your continued prayers, we sure need them!

 

[BellsMom]

I wouldn’t personally focus too much on worrying that my daughter might be mad at me.

This is a grown up problem that needs an adult to make a decision. Parents shouldn’t be held hostage to their minor children’s irresponsible life choices. I wouldn’t hesitate to use extreme pressure to push the decision towards adoption, even if it meant telling her she will need to leave and provide for her and her baby herself.

If a young woman spends the rest of her life being angry about her parents not letting her become a mommy before she was old enough to drive than that’s unfortunate. She should be counseled that its okay to feel sad and wonder what might have been but ultimately it was her own choice to get pregnant without being able to provide for the most basic needs of a child.

 

[johnphilip1972]

Obviously I love my daughter, I didn’t feel the need to reiterate that during my initial post because, you know, she’s my daughter. I assumed that was a given. I love my wife and all of my children and have worked very, very hard to provide them with everything they need and some of what they want. I am proud of each and every one of them for their individual talents, skills and abilities. However I find it incredibly disheartening that many of the posters here don’t seem to be focusing on the most innocent of all in this situation-the baby!