Parent of a pregnant minor

[Rau]

Obviously I love my daughter, I didn’t feel the need to reiterate that during my initial post because, you know, she’s my daughter. I assumed that was a given. I love my wife and all of my children and have worked very, very hard to provide them with everything they need and some of what they want. I am proud of each and every one of them for their individual talents, skills and abilities. However I find it incredibly disheartening that many of the posters here don’t seem to be focusing on the most innocent of all in this situation-the baby!

I don’t think anyone ignores the baby. But we acknowledge you can’t guarantee an adoption, and therefore a reasonable and realistic plan B is needed. You daughter coming to understand Plan B may help her see the merits of adoption, but this can’t be guaranteed.

 

[Avocadomom]

Presumably, the average teen mom doesn’t have a lot of support at home. With better than average home support, she should be able to achieve better than average results with school.

Agree.

My dad was the father in an out-of-wedlock teen pregnancy His girlfriend was basically forced to place the baby for adoption via Catholic Charities.

So. Much. Pain.

So. Much. Resentment.

Seriously, lifelong problems for the child, and both bio parents.

OP - if your daughter wants to keep her baby, help her. Step the hell up and help her.

 

[MaryT777]

Obviously I love my daughter, I didn’t feel the need to reiterate that during my initial post because, you know, she’s my daughter. I assumed that was a given. I love my wife and all of my children and have worked very, very hard to provide them with everything they need and some of what they want. I am proud of each and every one of them for their individual talents, skills and abilities. However I find it incredibly disheartening that many of the posters here don’t seem to be focusing on the most innocent of all in this situation-the baby!

Yes, I agree.
I grew up with a teenage mom with a shot gun wedding and divorce later; she worked three jobs to her credit to support us but we basically raised ourselves and I wished I had been adopted to a good home. My sister and I both suffer scars from the experience of 18 years with with a stressed out poor mother living next to those that can prey on children as such.

I’d like to write a book " The Other Side of Adoption" where I share stories of people like myself wishing they had followed the advice of those wiser and older to give me up for adoption. My mom even said she looked at us when my Dad left and said, “It will be a long haul” and it was for everyone including her.

She is my beloved mother and I love her dearly but a 15 year old mother and 17 year old father. No child wants that situation for parents.

On Father’s day I wished for a Father that lived with me like all the other kids I knew had and a mom that didn’t have to work 3 jobs and never was home on Mother’s day. It’s the kids that suffer in these situations and it’s selfish in my opinion to keep a child you can’t take care of.

Mary.

 

[maryjk]

I was assuming that mom is home, as it’s a family with five kids.

If mom is not home, taking darling daughter out of Catholic school will free up some funds for daycare.

Also, using the money that would have gone for daughter’s college for daycare and baby expenses is another option.

There are lots of options.

(One of them is that the OP is trolling CAF.)

Of the 5, one is in college and one is 15. Chances are the others aren’t toddlers, but rather are school age. But yes, they could be small enough to need Mom at home.

And yes, there are lots of options. But I would certainly be talking up adoption. Big time.

 

[Chovy]

Well I bit the bullet and my wife and I had a talk with the boy’s parents. This was very much a shock to them as well but I am slightly more at ease. They seem very concerned and I am confident “Romeo” will be taken care of. They are fully on board with adoption, in fact the mother was adopted herself and has expressed interest in talking to my daughter about it. We’re going to set up an appointment with a counselor from Catholic Charities to speak to her as well. We’re trying to educate ourselves on various aspects, open vs closed, private vs agency and things of that nature. If anyone could help I’d be much obliged. And thank you for your continued prayers, we sure need them!

This is a sound course of action. Catholic Charities has trained counselor who will help your daughter and the baby’s father to make the best informed choice they can. Know that the decision they make is solely theirs, but that the counselor will work through what is actually involved in parenting, paying for baby’s care, and continuing their schooling.

As an adoptive mom, I have a bias, and I know adoption can be a beautiful choice. Like marriage, it needs to be a choice made freely and with due consideration. Whatever choice she makes will be fraught with both pain and joy. I will keep your family in my prayers.

 

[Xantippe]

Of the 5, one is in college and one is 15. Chances are the others aren’t toddlers, but rather are school age. But yes, they could be small enough to need Mom at home.

And yes, there are lots of options. But I would certainly be talking up adoption. Big time.

Talking up adoption is fine, as is bringing her in for an appointment with an adoption counselor and reading infertility stories. Talking up the responsibility of parenthood is fine (and perhaps borrowing a toddler or infant for a few mornings for a test drive), as is explaining what kind of schedule you’d expect from her for the next several years if you kept the baby at home (three years of school-work-baby-chores, no extracurriculars, public school or homeschool for GED, no going out at night, community college rather than out-of-state college, etc.). It’s also fine to provide her the opportunity to talk to people who’ve done it or who are doing it.

What’s not OK is telling one’s 15-year-old daughter that she’s out on her ear if she wants to keep her baby. And at least one person was suggesting exactly that.

 

[pianistclare]

Dear OP,
I think everyone in this thread is concerned about the baby, but also concerned about your daughter. Ok, so now you have cooled down and are talking about how proud you are of all your children. But if you recall, in your original post, you said you were disgusted.
Disgusted.
No matter how angry I have been at either of my 2 daughters, they never have disgusted me.
This is what people reacted to. Maybe you posted in haste and desperation. But those were your words, and people here have reacted to those as well. Glad you have re-thought everything and met with the boy’s parents. I wish you all the best.
Your family is in our prayers.

 

[CradleJourney]

Yes, I agree.
I grew up with a teenage mom with a shot gun wedding and divorce later; she worked three jobs to her credit to support us but we basically raised ourselves and I wished I had been adopted to a good home. My sister and I both suffer scars from the experience of 18 years with with a stressed out poor mother living next to those that can prey on children as such.

I’d like to write a book " The Other Side of Adoption" where I share stories of people like myself wishing they had followed the advice of those wiser and older to give me up for adoption. My mom even said she looked at us when my Dad left and said, “It will be a long haul” and it was for everyone including her.

She is my beloved mother and I love her dearly but a 15 year old mother and 17 year old father. No child wants that situation for parents.

On Father’s day I wished for a Father that lived with me like all the other kids I knew had and a mom that didn’t have to work 3 jobs and never was home on Mother’s day. It’s the kids that suffer in these situations and it’s selfish in my opinion to keep a child you can’t take care of.

Mary.

I am sorry for what you went through Mary, but please know that I personally know four children (now adults) in four different homes that were born to teenage moms that kept them. The moms did get their high school and college educations, and the children are now successful adults. And these were not from wealthy or in two of the cases even middle class families. The grandparents helped but did not raise the children.

I am not saying it always works out for better (the cases I’m involved in) or worse (your own experience) - but that each situation works out depending on who’s involved.

To the OP:

It really is going to be up to you, the other grandparents, your daughter and the father of the baby to work out what situation is going to be the best.

My only concern was that your post seemed to imply that adoption would automatically “fix” everything back to the way it was before, or that keeping the baby would automatically spell personal and financial ruin. I know the counselor you mentioned and the on-going discussions you will be having will help everyone involved see that neither of these is true. But that either one will require love and determination and sacrifice.

My prayers continue for all of you.

 

[CathConvert2013]

This is a sound course of action. Catholic Charities has trained counselor who will help your daughter and the baby’s father to make the best informed choice they can. Know that the decision they make is solely theirs, but that the counselor will work through what is actually involved in parenting, paying for baby’s care, and continuing their schooling.

As an adoptive mom, I have a bias, and I know adoption can be a beautiful choice. Like marriage, it needs to be a choice made freely and with due consideration. Whatever choice she makes will be fraught with both pain and joy. I will keep your family in my prayers.

I completely agree. I’m also an adoptive mother. Prayers for all of you.

 

[Ejstephens]

My daughter also became pregnant at 15… I offered her all my support & guidance. After all my duty as her parent was really NOTHING less! After many tears & long discussions, she decided to give her baby up for adoption. This was completely her decision. Morally, I knew it had to be. I felt that no matter how I might feel, coming between a mother & child, was completely wrong. God gave her this life and she would know in her heart the direction He wanted her to take. I supported her throughout the pregnancy & she wanted no contact with the father. His presence, for my daughter, would only have compounded her personal difficulties. Monetary support wasn’t important, this baby was. I was present at the birth & was the first to hold my beautiful grand child. That for me, was heartbreaking as she would be going to a foster home pending adoption the following day. Still it was so important that I see her and hold, if only for a little while. That evening my daughter asked if she could see her just one time. I will never forget them, seated in a rocking chair, my two beautiful kids…
Anyway, the next morning my daughter changed her mind and asked me if she could bring that sweet baby home. She did. We never looked back & that child brought us so much love & blessings. And we love her as only her family can. My daughter studied and became a nurse & my grandbaby is 25 today.
Don’t lose this chance, that for whatever reason, God has given you. He works in mysterious ways. Love this child & give her mother all the help she needs. God bless you.

 

[Nan_S]

Well I bit the bullet and my wife and I had a talk with the boy’s parents. This was very much a shock to them as well but I am slightly more at ease. They seem very concerned and I am confident “Romeo” will be taken care of. They are fully on board with adoption, in fact the mother was adopted herself and has expressed interest in talking to my daughter about it. We’re going to set up an appointment with a counselor from Catholic Charities to speak to her as well. We’re trying to educate ourselves on various aspects, open vs closed, private vs agency and things of that nature. If anyone could help I’d be much obliged. And thank you for your continued prayers, we sure need them!

This is wonderful news.

I pray that Saint Joseph, the adoptive father of our Lord Jesus Christ, will personally lift your prayers to heaven and help bring you guidance and support in the days to come.

 

[johnphilip1972]

It really is going to be up to you, the other grandparents, your daughter and the father of the baby to work out what situation is going to be the best.

My only concern was that your post seemed to imply that adoption would automatically “fix” everything back to the way it was before

Of course adoption isn’t going to “fix” everything. My family won’t return to the point it was before. But it is what is best for the baby. That’s my goal to make sure the baby gets the very best chance at a happy, successful life. I want him/her to be brought up right and that will require parents who are mature and prepared, financially, spiritually and emotionally-not an irresponsible mother who isn’t even old enough for a part-time job and a father who wanted them aborted.

 

[Rau]

Of course adoption isn’t going to “fix” everything. My family won’t return to the point it was before. But it is what is best for the baby. That’s my goal to make sure the baby gets the very best chance at a happy, successful life. I want him/her to be brought up right and that will require parents who are mature and prepared, financially, spiritually and emotionally-not an irresponsible mother who isn’t even old enough for a part-time job and a father who wanted them aborted.

Be that as it may, do you anticipate your daughter will be of that view in due course?

 

[Kindness]

To be fair I’m sure the young parents were just as shocked, scared, angry and frightened as you were when you first heard the news. I don’t think it’s just to hold us to our first reactions in cases such as these. Once everyone has had to time to absorb and process what is happening, with love and advice from various sources - family, friends, those of our faith and professionals with past experience of teen pregnancy, a difficult decision can be made, and obviously each route will produce challenges and difficulties.

It sounds like you are all getting there. What are your wife’s thoughts at the moment? You all remain in our family prayers.

 

[johnphilip1972]

Be that as it may, do you anticipate your daughter will be of that view in due course?

Absolutely! We are praying constantly, we are consulting with our priest, we will soon be making an appointment for an adoption counselor to come and speak to her and the “baby daddy’s :dts:” parents will be joining us for dinner later this week to discuss the situation further. This weekend my daughter will get a crash course in family economics and she will be taking on far more responsibilities around the house to get a taste of what responsible adulthood is all about. There is no doubt in my mind adoption is what is best for this child and I will ensure my daughter sees that.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

It will also be important to get her to an obstetrician if you haven’t already…teen pregnancies are statistically higher risk than adult ones. Your daughter is still growing and yet she must now sustain another life within her, one that will suck away her nutrients and minerals as it sees fit. Not a terribly romantic way to view an unborn baby, but that’s essentially what happens.

She will probably need to take folic acid and other supplements…I’m sure the doctor will advise accordingly.

 

[agnes_therese]

Obviously I love my daughter, I didn’t feel the need to reiterate that during my initial post because, you know, she’s my daughter. I assumed that was a given. I love my wife and all of my children and have worked very, very hard to provide them with everything they need and some of what they want. I am proud of each and every one of them for their individual talents, skills and abilities. However I find it incredibly disheartening that many of the posters here don’t seem to be focusing on the most innocent of all in this situation-the baby!

I’m sorry, but the word “disgusted” doesn’t scream out “I love my daughter.” I do hope you haven’t used that word to her.

 

[Lesley68]

Dear John Philip

My daughter also became pregnant at 15. The father stayed on the scene until the baby was about one and we haven’t seen him since. I understand what you are going through perfectly but please please do not force your daughter into giving her child up for adoption. My daughter also was adamant that she wanted to keep the baby, she completed her statutory schooling and then went on to further education through night school, she took complete care of her child apart from the nights we babysat while she was in school at nights, she met a young man who loves her daughter as his own, they married, and have had a further two daughters, she has completed her degree and is now a teacher. Her daughter will be 18 next month and goes to university in September. She has been such a joy to us and to her mother and I cannot imagine our lives without her in it. Please feel free to PM me if you want, I truly understand how difficult this is for your whole family.

 

[fpt]

The laws are obviously in place for a reason, furthermore our actions have consequences. My daughter’s consequence is obviously growing under her t-shirt plus the pain of labor, why should he be free to walk away unscathed?

Your sentence seems to be puritan, victorian and jansenist. You need to respect the natural moral order concerning the situation of your daughter. She has natural rights. As parents, **you are not full of powers. **

Morally speaking, like each catholic parent you have some natural rights, some natural obligations and some natural duties, in positive and / or in negative. What are they?

Your competences and your incompetences!!!

 

[fpt]

My 15 year old daughter has gotten herself pregnant and my wife and I are obviously distraught and disgusted. We’ve worked hard to put her through a Catholic school and we are very active in the church, we have provided her with a strong moral foundation and are very disappointed. My wife is absolutely beside herself. Obviously we have cut off all contact between her and the father and are looking into the statutory rape laws in our state, he’s 17. My wife and I are just not in the financial position to take care of another child in addition to the 5 we have with 1 in college which is very expensive. And frankly we refuse to clean up and take responsibility for her indiscretions. She expects her mother to just take care of the baby while she’s off leading the carefree life of a school girl and everything magically falls into place. We’ve gone from gently encouraging her to think about adoption to demanding she contact catholic charities but she is adamant she is keeping the baby. I’ve tried to explain the magnitude of the situation, how her future will be ruined as will the child’s but she is not thinking rationally. We’ve gone over what a wonderful selfless gift this could be to a deserving, stable couple as well as being a gift of a future to her and the child. Her only retort is she may be sad! As the parent of a pregnant minor what rights do I have? May I contact the adoption agency? Can I demand she place the baby for adoption? What can I do (besides pray, obviously we are praying fervently)? :banghead:

The issues of the consent for sex.
Your daughter, 15 year old is not totally a child because her age is more than 14 year old. That means that, per se, in link with the Canon law of the Catholic Church she could get marriage: the condition of the age of 14 year old is existing. En sus, in theory ,that means that she could have conjugal sex if she was married. Her consent for sex is presumed, this presumption of consent for sex is not irrefragable, the contrary proof can be demonstrated in a law suit.

The sexual intercourses between your daughter (14 or 15) and the father (16 or 17) took place almost in the same gap of ages. The gap is not very huge.* What is the legitimacy for a catholic lay person for invoking a law “statutory” of rape? * What is the legal regime of these “statutory” rape law? The fact of bringing the contrary proof for the “so-called offender” is possible by the law, or by principle is refused??? *In my humble opinion, the refusal by the law of bringing the contrary proof is not very in link with the natural moral law. *

Here, the fundamental issue, as catholic parents, morally speaking,* do you have the right to use the “statutory” rape laws? Under which conditions?
*

The issues about the adoption:
Morally speaking, in the catholic way,* by principle*, as parents, you have no power and no competence for forcing to the adoption,** even if the civil law says the contrary. **This power and this competence are in the hands of your daughter. Only her being of human being can decide, freely, not you. About the adoption you can not oblige her.