Parental authority, and obedience

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Mt1618

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Hopefully my question doesn’t sound too foolish.

When does the obligation to obey one’s parents end?

I am 19, have a job, and just graduated from a community college. I currently still live with my parents (though I am considering possibilities for moving out). I certainly understand that one is always obligated to honor one’s parents (even after the obligation of obedience ends), as well as the need to obey them in matters pertaining to the order of their own household. However, it seems to me that at this point, though I still live with them, I am no longer under their authority in matters which pertain to “my own life” so to speak - those not dealing with the order of our household. Would you concur, or am I off on this?

Thank you
 
By relationships, do you mean

“son, you are not permitted to be friends with joe as long as you live in this house”

or

“son, your girlfriend is not allowed to sleep over in this house”?

Big difference.
 
Mt1618 said:
Hopefully my question doesn’t sound too foolish.

When does the obligation to obey one’s parents end?

I am 19, have a job, and just graduated from a community college. I currently still live with my parents (though I am considering possibilities for moving out). I certainly understand that one is always obligated to honor one’s parents (even after the obligation of obedience ends), as well as the need to obey them in matters pertaining to the order of their own household. However, it seems to me that at this point, though I still live with them, I am no longer under their authority in matters which pertain to my own life, such as my relationships, etc. Would you concur?

Thank you
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As a middle-aged man whose parents moved in with me last year, just before my father passed away, and the father of a 22 year old who graduated from college last week, I have a firm opinion on this.

I believe the obligation both to honor and obey under the forth commandment comes to an end with death; either yours or theirs. And I say that fully realizing there are times when, in my own mind, I am not sure who is going to beat whom to the cemetery. 😉

In all seriousness, the obligation does end with death. But the reality is that your relationship with them changes over time. I am the father of a 22 year old. He thinks he is a good deal smarter and more experienced that he really is. And his perspective is common. There is a difference between him and many other young people. We talk about what is going on. While I do not criticize him in a manner that will needlessly hurt his feelings, I do point out times when he uses poor judgment and so on.

I will admit, however, that while I see many good traits in my son, I still focus on his weak areas so that he can become a better man.

At 19, it may seem like you can understand what is going on and how to react. And in many way you are correct. However, you parents, being parents, are probably like me, trying to help you with your weaknesses.

So, unless they are leaving literal bruises on your face, please accept their guidance and correct in the spirit it is probably being offered. The spirit of parental love.

As for your specific question about relationships, you should presume your parents are more wise than you. When I was in my mid 30s, my parents warned me about a lady I was dating. Said she was bad news and bad for me after meeting her only once. I was shocked that they would tell me, an adult man, such a thing. Turns out they were right. She was a real trollop and a gold-digger and I did not see it.

Listen to the wisdom of your parents.
 
Neither, though more along the lines of the first. Really, though, it isn’t the main focus of my question.
 
kage_ar said:
By relationships, do you mean

“son, you are not permitted to be friends with joe as long as you live in this house”

or

“son, your girlfriend is not allowed to sleep over in this house”?

Big difference.
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Neither, though more along the lines of the first. Really, though, it isn’t the main focus of my question.
 
Based on my experiences with the children of the homeless relatives who live with my family, four years old is when children are no longer obligated to obey. I wish I was kidding.

I honestly feel that children are or should be subject to their parents no matter how old they are while they live with them and should carry some of the burden of household work and expenses. After turning 18, one should be able to take responsibility for their own decisions and the parents should be there to offer advice and support as necessary, but decisions affecting the individual (e.g. “do I go to college now or find a job?”) should be made by the child. It would be beneficial to the child and to the parents if the former eventually moved out, but all too often do I hear people say that they’ve grown apart from their parents or that their children are their own people with their own lives.
 
Well, here is what the Church has to say on the matter:

vatican.va/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a4.htm#III

Particularly:

2217 As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord."22 Children should also obey the reasonable directions of their teachers and all to whom their parents have entrusted them. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.

As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

2218 The fourth commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress. Jesus recalls this duty of gratitude.

2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
 
My children are grown. As they were “growing” I told them the mark of an adult is that an adult ultimately is fully responsible for the repercussions of their decisions. If anyone else has to bear the repercussions of your decisions in any manner, you are not in a position to make that decision without their (name removed by moderator)ut. Doesn’t matter if the repercussions are a speeding ticket, an over-extended credit card, no clean underwear, being late for work, or having a baby.

If, however, you are in a position to handle the circumstances – intended and unintended – that surround your choices, you are then an adult and certainly free to make those choices regardless of what your parents opinions may be, although one would hope your parents’ opinion are worthy of at least the respect of a hearing and consideration.

Honestly, I do not believe any young person can be a truly independent adult as long as they live in their parents’ home.
 
I recently heard during a homily at Mass the obey part ends when one marries, we are always to honor to them (as in treat them with respect). I’m quite certain I am not obligated to obey my parents as a married woman. Obviously I disagree with the previous rpp in this. I also disagree with the “unless they are leaving literal bruises on your face…” comment. Abuse does not have to be physical but I don’t think you were meaning your parents were abusive.

I would say living at home you are obligated to follow their rules. Once you live independantly and pay your own bills, you are free to live as you wish, while always treating your parents with respect.
 
1ke beat me to it. Look at the CCC. See how your life fits that.

Honor does not mean hang on their every word and do exactly as they say. Honor does not mean follow them into sin.

If you are 19 and living at home, then maybe they have a say, esp. if you are doing it on their dime.
 
Thank you for all your responses.

I actually found the relevent paragraphs of the Catechism on my own shortly after posting this (although, by accident - somehow it never occurred to me to look there in the first place).

The sense that I am getting is that I am still obligated to obey my parents, since I am still living with them.

This leaves me with a few questions.

The first is, simply - why? If that is what follows from the Church’s teaching, I accept it, but I like to understand the reason behind moral obligations and duties. Why does the obligation to give obedience still apply to someone so long as they live with their parents, rather than only until they “come of age” so to speak? Why should the mere fact that a person has moved out (or not yet moved out) alter their duty of obedience? And surely this is not the case with a fully grown adult who lives in their parents’ home?
 
Mt1618 said:
Why does the obligation to give obedience still apply to someone so long as they live with their parents, rather than only until they “come of age” so to speak? Why should the mere fact that a person has moved out (or not yet moved out) alter their duty of obedience? And surely this is not the case with a fully grown adult who lives in their parents’ home?
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I’m a forty something year old wife and mother. When we go to visit my parents, we will still obey the rules they have for the house. I will not come in at 3 AM and wake the house. I will eat dinner at the time they set. My husband smokes, he will not smoke in their house. It is about respect.

If I were to live with them, we would all agree on the house rules and I would abide by them.
 
kage_ar said:
I’m a forty something year old wife and mother. When we go to visit my parents, we will still obey the rules they have for the house. I will not come in at 3 AM and wake the house. I will eat dinner at the time they set. My husband smokes, he will not smoke in their house. It is about respect.

If I were to live with them, we would all agree on the house rules and I would abide by them.
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I certainly understand and accept the need to obey house rules, things pertaining to the order of the household, regardless of whether one is a 4 year old or a 40 year old. That does not pose a problem.

The kind of obedience I am questioning about and trying to understand is obedience in matters which are not “house rules” (such as meal times, not staying out past a certain time, etc.), which deal with what the Catechism is probably referring to as the “good of the family”, but rather issues which pertain the child’s (by child, I mean “offspring”, not “minor”) activity, etc. outside of the household.

For instance, you are obligated to follow the rules of your parents’ home regarding smoking - you won’t smoke in their home. However, if your parents told you not to smoke at all, ever, you, as an adult, would be under no obligation to obey them.
 
What if you are under your parents’ roof but they order you to do something that goes against God and your faith? Are you still obligated to obey them?

For example, what if your parents are not Christian and they tell you that they won’t allow you to be Christian under their roof or what if they say that you will marry someone that they approve of, no matter what? Do you still have to obey them?
 
Lady_Bug said:
What if you are under your parents’ roof but they order you to do something that goes against God and your faith? Are you still obligated to obey them?

For example, what if your parents are not Christian and they tell you that they won’t allow you to be Christian under their roof or what if they say that you will marry someone that they approve of, no matter what? Do you still have to obey them?
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Are you addressing this question to me, or in response to someone else’s post?

The answer is, of course, we are not obligated to obey any command (from any authority, but it one’s parents or otherwise) which is contrary to the moral law.

If you are responding to me, how is this relevent?
 
mt1618, sorry I guess I was sort of randomly asking this question to no one in particular (hence everyone) based on the responses I was reading here…

my attention span is so scattered that I didn’t even know what your response was…I tend to look at the responses before I see WHO has posted them anyway.
 
Lady_Bug said:
What if you are under your parents’ roof but they order you to do something that goes against God and your faith? Are you still obligated to obey them?

For example, what if your parents are not Christian and they tell you that they won’t allow you to be Christian under their roof or what if they say that you will marry someone that they approve of, no matter what? Do you still have to obey them?
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If your parents will not allow you to be Christian, you should find a way to leave the home and live where you are free to practice your Faith.

For marriage, if one is Catholic, the couple must freely consent to be married. Should one live in a country where there are forced marriages, that would be something to consult with your Priest.

If it is in the US, and parents say “marry this person or we will cut you off from money” - then, one should leave the parents home and make their own way.
 
Lady_Bug said:
mt1618, sorry I guess I was sort of randomly asking this question to no one in particular (hence everyone) based on the responses I was reading here…

my attention span is so scattered that I didn’t even know what your response was…I tend to look at the responses before I see WHO has posted them anyway.
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=) okay. You just confused me slightly.
 
This is sooooo simple. Get a job. Move out. Pay your own rent, buy your own gas, do your own laundry, cook your own food and have only yourself to answer to. Visit your parents now and then, invite them over to your place from time to time. Don’t ask them for advice if you don’t want their opionion. Be cheerful–don’t complain. Don’t reveal private or personal information or introduce them to your friends/dates unless you want their (name removed by moderator)ut. Thank them when they do something for you. Help them out even before they ask.

See, I told you it was S I M P L E.
 
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