Parental Block-- Parents Dislike Boyfriend

[Rose74]

I’d be very hesitant to date or marry someone of a lower educational/intelligence level. It may not seem a big deal now, but in time not having the same domain knowledge (i.e. the need to explain something that should be implicit) will wear on you. In the past, women were encouraged to marry up the socioeconomic ladder. This has become increasingly difficult as women attain more education and men less.
Does this man have the work ethic/skill set to support a family if you choose to stay home with your children? Periodic layoffs sound like a red flag. Economic distress is a common factor in marital stress and this combined with what you’ve described as disrespectful behavior sounds potentially problematic. Will he resent your education/occupation? Will he make you feel bad for your accomplishments? I’ve seen the blue collar chip on my shoulder attitude in my own family.
I’ve always sought out men of the same or similar educational level. Thus, I married a man I met at work. Just my two cents. I’d listen to your parents. You have time to find someone- you’re 22. I’d hate for you to regret your decision.

 

[Ms_Manners]

he is self-centered
his teasing me is very disrespectful

Okay, of all the things you listed, some would make me worry if I noticed them on a friend’s boyfriend.
The two above are the biggest concerns. If this is how he is now in front of people, it is unlikely that it will get better later on, especially when the two of you are alone and in stressful situations.

Some other things don’t sound too good but these two are real red flags.

And what do you mean that “the fruits of the relationship are not good”?

And I can also speak from personal experience. I had a boyfriend who was like that, but I was too young and too in love to see some things. As the time went by, he was actually quite verbally abusive. I am glad I got out of it before it got too serious.

We sometimes hate to admit it, but most of the time our parents do know us even better than we know ourselves, and your parents do have some good points here.

 

[anruari]

Originally Posted by anruari
If you remain dependant on your parents you owe them Obedience.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catechism 2217
Obedience towards parents ceases with the emancipation of the children

I don’t see these as incompatible. Emancipation it the severing of dependance.

The O.P. may be faced with a choice between emancipating herself or remaining dependant on her parents. While dependant she is not fully emancipated.

 

[devoutchristian]

While dependant she is not fully emancipated.

Emancipation is a term with a specific meaning, it applies to most people at the age of 18.

 

[Xantippe]

Please think through your plans for your second degree. A second BA looks weird. Can you just take courses and then do a master’s program, ideally without loans? Or how about working as a teacher’s aide while doing course work (if you want to be a teacher)? One of my daughter’s best teachers was a special ed aide before doing her master’s degree. The nice thing about going with that kind of plan is that 1) you’ll save money and 2) you’ll figure out if teaching is your cup of tea and 3) it may help you at hiring.

If your boyfriend comes to spend the winter in your area, make sure he gets a job. He may not need the money, but it will make a better impression on your parents. If you both work hard and save money for your future, it will impress your parents (unless they are totally unreasonable).

By the way, both you and your boyfriend should read Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover book.

The list was interesting.

he is not attractive enough for me

If you think he’s attractive, it doesn’t matter what they think.

he is not smart enough for me

Is he?

not able to keep up with my humor or conversations in general.

If that’s true, be prepared for a looooong hard marriage. Your spouse should be an intellectual peer. It’s really rough to realize that your spouse just isn’t very bright, but you didn’t notice because they were sooo cute 20 years ago.

the long distance thing is stupid

Yeah, it is.

God knows where I live and he wouldn’t have me go cross-country to find my future husband

That’s not a valid argument.

his family situation (divorced parents) will inherently cause problems

Having divorced parents is a huge risk factor for divorce. You’ll need to be especially careful about premarital counseling, communication, financial planning, etc.

his degree is inadequate

But does he make a decent living? Does he have a good work ethic?

he is self-centered

Is he?

his teasing me is very disrespectful

That’s the sort of thing that could at some point turn from cute and playful into hurtful criticism. Watch out for this.

he is “low class”

Would you be happy with your future children hearing him talk and sounding like him?

 

[PatriceA]

Okay, of all the things you listed, some would make me worry if I noticed them on a friend’s boyfriend.
The two above are the biggest concerns. If this is how he is now in front of people, it is unlikely that it will get better later on, especially when the two of you are alone and in stressful situations.

Some other things don’t sound too good but these two are real red flags.

And what do you mean that “the fruits of the relationship are not good”?

And I can also speak from personal experience. I had a boyfriend who was like that, but I was too young and too in love to see some things. As the time went by, he was actually quite verbally abusive. I am glad I got out of it before it got too serious.

We sometimes hate to admit it, but most of the time our parents do know us even better than we know ourselves, and your parents do have some good points here.

I got to say the same issues stood out for me.

The other issues though, sound more like the parents looking down on someone that is not of the same “class” as they are and can’t see the person beyond the paycheck he may earn.

Still sound like both sides have valid points, the OP is going to have to decide how much she wants to push this issue with her parents. If the relationship means that much to her, she may have to forgo going to college until she can afford it on her own and get a job, a roommate (other than family) and becoming more financially independent.

The one issue that stood out for me though about her parents, was the one about her father requesting the OP not change her major to one that suited her more. That’s my red flag for the parents.

Edited to add: There is one other red flag for me concerning the parents, the issue with not being able to pay for more than half the car while in college so they could manipulate the issue.

 

[anruari]

to BlueTopaz

Your list of reasons contains a real mix of things. some look like they should be disregarded, others may indicate valid concerns.

I would advise you to seek the counsel of a Priest adn talk these things through slowly and in person.

In Discerning the celibate vocations, there is a requirement for the potential candidate to receive years of spiritual direction from before they make final commitments to ordination or vows, through all the initial application process and years of training.
The requirements on the Laity is to attend a marriage prep course in their parish or nominated by their parish, which is often just a few hours of dull lectures.

Marriage is a serious vocation. Seek proper advice from a suitable Spiritual Director your University Chaplain will be a great place to start. - They are very used to helping people discern general and specific vocations.

 

[shainski]

Thank you for the answers. THat really helps.

Now, please expand a bit further on a couple of items.

How does he tease you? Give some specific examples. Teasing can be very hurtful, or it can be a way to break through uneasy barriers. Does he tease things that you are superior at to bring you down. Does he do it in a loving way? Do you tease him in the same manner? if so, how does he deal with it?

As far as his lower intelligence. Is he just not as learned in the areas you are, but makes up for it in other areas? How does he capture your interest?

And as far as class. Does he use the dessert fork for his salad or is he belching at the table? Are your parents high society and wouldn’t be pleased with anyone that is not a regal class?

Any of these things could be minor or they could be a huge splinter in any relationship.

At 22, i can see that your parents would have liked to see you have dated more than to be come tied down with someone who requires that you see each other for weeks at a time. One of the problems with long distance relationships is that they can appear to be magical for short periods of time. Since you don’t see each other that often, you can plan all kinds of unusual events during your time together. Since you or he travel, everything seems new and exciting. You put each other first over your other friends or relatives during the visits. Where if you were actually in the same area, then your other commitments get in the way - family, work, friends, sports teams. You find out that he is on three baseball teams, and doesn’t have time for you on a regular basis. You like him, but not his friends. Things like that.

But you aren’t asking to marry him, only to see if there is a chance for a relationship.

At 22, I am not that concerned that you thought a need to meet him in person without interference from your parents. (I’ll tell you that I would have done the same thing). Yes, there are risks with that - especially for a woman. But, there are risks in dating anyone.

I never liked the whole family meeting anyone until i knew that I was serious enough to care what their opinion was. So, I’ll give you a pass on that (although I’m sure others may feel more concerned about that).

 

[PetiteFoi]

Okay I feel I can chime in a couple of things;

1. The education - my husband, when we met and married was a blue-collar working by the sweat of his brow Welder. Technically his education is WAY below mine (am a Librarian), but despite people looking down on his education, he’s VERY smart and is now re-training and working for the gvmnt. in IT.

So don’t group him into the “not as smart” group if he’s blue collar.

1. The long-distance.

I met my husband through friends as well, we hardly knew eachother before he moved two Provinces over to finish his welding certification.
We were friends long-distance for a year and dated long distance for a year. We took turns flying back and forth every 3-4 months, and stayed at our relatives’ houses.

Did it totally stink? Of course! But it’s totally do-able as well.

1. The Family Situation.

My mother is divorced and re-married to my step-father who has two children of his own. I’ve yet to see that cause any issues in MY marriage, so I can’t see why it would in yours…

1. Amount of boyfriends:

Lol! I had ONE boyfriend (that lasted 8 months) before I met my now Husband. I was my Husbands first girlfriend.
Neither of us feel that, that has effected us adversely.

I married at 21, and my husband at 24.

The only thing that makes me pause is the self-centeredness and teasing.
Teasing is fine when it’s not mean, or sarcastic.
That was actually a real problem with my first boyfriend, he had a sarcastic sense of humour, and while it can be hilarious when you’re friends, it can feel really mean when you’re in a relationship.
So watch out for that - you don’t want to be stuck with someone who thinks hurting your feelings is funny…

I have to say though, the majority of that list seems a LOT like just general snobbery of “he’s not good/smart/makes/ enough.”
And that is totally distasteful, imo. Not to mention extremely unchristian-like behavior.

Peace,
~ PetiteFoi

 

[bluetopaz]

Does getting a second bachelor’s degree look worse than my GPA? Not a joke, but a serious inquiry. I’m really not stupid, I’m just not in a field that plays to my strengths at all. I think half the reason I’m not ready to be done with school is that I want to prove that I’m not stupid and to really be good at the at things I’m good at. I plan on getting a master’s degree, but I would love to be a part of a program that pays for it under certain conditions.

Again, I know long distance isn’t practical and we both realize that something has to give at some point. You can’t really get to know the real person when you see them on such an infrequent basis. I know this. Like I said, I had always thought that long distance relationships were dumb, I’ve turned them down before, and I never thought I’d find myself in one. (It’s different, of course, if you had an established relationship and then one or more parties had to move. It’s definitely not the best (or most cost-efficient) way to start one and figure out if you’ve got a good thing going on).

Matt has a bachelor’s degree and is still paying off student loans. He has just started his new job at a small company that has had huge growth and success. But he just got it because there is a decline in available work in the winter. He is making much better money at this job than his last though. In any case, he has stated that it is a great opportunity for him, but certainly not what he plans on doing forever.

I think he is very intelligent. Is he a physics guy or an engineer? No, (and neither am I) but he’s not stupid. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and there are many different kinds of intelligence. (I went on a couple of dates with an attractive man (even my mom was very impressed) who was operating on a common sense and “my type” of intelligence level far below that which I personally could handle. I am very aware of how tiresome not connecting on an intellectual level can be, and it’s not an experience I want for a lifetime. He also picks up on and appreciates my humor very well.

It really is uncanny how many small, insignificant quirks we have in common, and I think that is worrisome for my parents, too. I am a laid back, person who struggles to keep track of my keys and time. He’s the same way. My mom says I need to find someone WAY different than me so as to get me better on my game. I can understand that I need help in some areas, but I think a supremely organized, super planned and punctual person would not be able to tolerate me for very long…

I don’t think the class thing should be an issue. He just comes from a smaller, rural town He’s speaks well, doesn’t have any major dialect differences that make him sound vastly different than anyone in my family (although I’ve picked up on a few things just because I’m very linguistically inclined). My mom does not like the way he dresses and my sister leaked to her that he likes to shop at thrift stores to find new shirts he likes. Which didn’t help that situation…

The “bad fruits” my mom was talking about was my dishonesty (not telling my parents I was flying across the country to meet him) and disrespect (not respecting the fact that they would not have allowed me to go but doing it anyway).

When my first car died late last year, I was shopping for a new one and was looking to get a Jeep. (I am paying 100% of the cost of this car). Despite this, my parents prohibited me from getting a Jeep and informed me I was getting a Honda CRV or a Juke. I secretly went to the Jeep dealership by myself, and test drove several, did my research and then went with my dad to test drive Hondas and a few other models. I am currently driving a Jeep because my dad eventually saw that was the best option. This is just meant to illustrate the fact that I’m not even allowed to pick the make of car I drive in my own state, I certainly didn’t expect to be allowed to go so far away all by myself. I’m not trying to be disrespectful and I don’t mean to hurt my parents.

The self-centeredness and teasing issues are things that I am being cautious about. And I think that the two go hand in hand. As far as I’ve seen, the selfishness mostly comes from wanting people to accept and like him. He wants everyone to like him and tries to make it so. He wants to be everybody’s friend or they guy everyone wants to turn to. He tries to impress my parents and it doesn’t come off the way he wants it to. Or he will tease me to have something in common with someone he doesn’t know very well, like my friends or brother.

As I mentioned, I misplace my keys and when we were leaving my parents’ house, he said that he “almost pulled a Tori” when he thought he had misplaced something on his way out. My mom was pretty mad. Or he will tell my brother “women take so long to get ready” and I will have to remind the two of them that they both spend more time in the shower than I do, and they don’t shampoo, condition, hair mask and comb 24" of black hair or shave their legs.

There are times when the teasing does cross a line and is at my expense to try to win the approval of others. And I don’t think that is acceptable. And he really shouldn’t do it in front of my family. Or his…

Matt is unaware that my parents have any of these thoughts though.

Just because I haven’t had many boyfriends doesn’t mean I haven’t had a lot of guys interested. I am just not willing to pursue a relationship if things are amiss from the start. If I figure out on date 1 or 2 that a guy just wants sex, isn’t Catholic, wants to move to NYC, hates sports, or just has a laugh that makes my skin crawl for some reason, I can decide I’m done then and there and that’s the end of it. This isn’t some act of desperation because I think I’m going to be alone forever if I don’t cling to him for dear life. I genuinely like so many things about Matt.

 

[shainski]

thank you for your update.

The picture of you paint of him is attractive. He doesn’t sound uninformed or unintelligent at all. He has a bachelors’ degree. he has a job.

It does sound like your parents aren’t quite ready to let you go. And as long as you are dependent on them financially, they have some control.

As I mentioned, it does not seem unreasonable to me for a 22 year old to go on a plane without a parental consent.

It is good that Matt is not aware of the views your parents have - or it could create a lifetime rift.

The teasing you mention seems minor.

As for you getting a second bachelors. I don’t think that is so bad - I have seen people who have stayed in school neglecting to get his/her degree because he/she kept changing majors. I think that it is generally better to have secured a degree - even if it is in a field that does not interest you - and then go and get the credits in what you want.

However, I have also seen people who stay in school because it is safe. They go from one thing to another - even Masters degrees just because they are afraid to put themselves out there and see what they can do.

Your parents may have your best interest in mind, but they may not be the best judge of what is ultimately best for you. It does seem (from the picture you paint) that their objections are shallow. But you must have a feel for what their true motivations are.

I think, at 22, you should try to gain financial independence. That may mean taking a job using your current degree - and getting some savings. Because as long as your parents help you, they may feel that they have some leverage. It is one thing for them to try to help you out, and another to take control.

Now, I remember my dad “trying to protect me from all the mistakes he made”. And I also remember thinking (and probably saying). “If i don’t make any of my own mistakes, then what am i going to be able to tell my kids?”

On the other hand, if you truly believe that they have your best interests in mind - then you may want to listen to see if they have some sage advice that could protect you from a serious misstep.

Growing up isn’t easy - and neither is letting your children grow up. Good luck!

 

[mommamaree]

I don’t have a lot to contribute here, except to say that some of my Inlaws didn’t want my husband to marry me either. First, the timing was bad (we were 18 when we got engaged). Then, it was still bad timing, but also a poor choice of bride, according to my FIL, on the day of our chapel wedding (when we were 22). He was sure that my husband was too young and I was not the right girl for him. Little did he know he was speaking about my husband’s WIFE, not fiancée, because we had secretly eloped years prior because we were determined to marry despite all the opposition we encountered. When they thought we were just shacking up, they settled down. Apparently, in their eyes, they preferred my husband to commit mortal sin and cohabit and fornicate with me instead of commit to me in sacramental marriage.
Nowadays? They love me and claim me as their own daughter, and say that whether by birth or by marriage, it doesn’t matter, I belong to their family. I won them over in the end. But I still have wounds from knowing how much they were opposed to my husband marrying me. Time and love has healed a lot, but has not entirely erased it.

 

[VivienneJ]

To start off I was married to my husband for 17 years and I am quite sure it would have been 35 years if some criminal had not intervened 18 years ago.

They don’t like Matt because they don’t think that we will be happy together long term because they feel:

he is not smart enough for me
his degree is inadequate
he is “low class”

This was pretty much my mom’s opinion and my dad went along with her; in my case I had a teaching diploma and he was an artisan (electrician).

Admittedly I made some mistakes early on. I flew out to meet him and didn’t tell my parents when I did. … But they refer to the fact that I was not honest or respectful of their discretion.

As a parent of daughters, I think that this may be a huge contributory factor, even though it may be subconscious. I know I have had to work a lot harder to have a good relationship with my elder daughter’s husband than my younger daughter’s husband. (The younger husband asked my blessing on their marriage before he proposed to my daughter; the elder daughter’s husband proposed to her before I had even met him, had hardly spoken to him and there were no plans made yet for me to meet him.) Time and being upfront with your parents should help overcome this one.

There are a couple of things I can see being red flags, and I intend to keep a careful eye out for these, too. I know they just want the best for me. I also don’t want to endure unnecessary heartbreak. I want to have the best marriage possible and best future spouse. But I am just having a hard time with the idea of dropping Matt without my own reasoned conclusions.

Have you voiced this to your parents? And do watch those things that are red flags for you, as well as those your parents have raised. Hopefully the whole situation will resolve happily for all concerned.

 

[aspirant]

It seems to me your first order of business is to talk to your parents. They have unusually strong feelings against this man, and you need to find out why… they owe it to you to be honest. And you owe it to them and yourself to listen.

Many times family who loves you and cares for your well-being and happiness see red flags in relationships. The person in a new relationship has on rose-colored glasses and is not able to see the warning signs. My advice is to step back and take their concerns seriously. Maybe they are right, maybe they are wrong, but I wouldn’t dismiss their concerns too quickly.

I know that a lot has been addressed since these posts, but I’d like to return to the ideas expressed here for a moment.

Generally speaking, this is good advice. I would also add that trusted friends may often be helpful in this regard as well. One of the “rules” my college friends and I made for ourselves was to always pay special attention to the thoughts of friends of the opposite sex. A man would ask his his female friends about his girlfriend, for example, and a woman would ask her male friends about her boyfriend. We had learned from experience, over time, that friends could often see our SOs and the relationship in ways we ourselves could not.

This is something the OP might take into consideration when her BF is able to spend some time with her friends. Pay attention to what your friends think, and perhaps especially those male friends you trust.

To really get to know one another, and I recognize that you would have to see how they are on a daily basis. This is something that needs to be addressed.

Good. Get him to spend some time with your friends, your sister, etc.

they feel

he is not smart enough for me
not able to keep up with my humor or conversations in general.
his degree is inadequate

In my experience, there are many different kinds of “smarts.”

I know several couples who appear, to others, to be intellectually dissimilar, but have great marriages. And the truth is, all of them are very intelligent people, they’re just intelligent in different ways.

For example, one man I know has a PhD in philosophy and his wife, until recently, had no formal education beyond a GED. To many people, this seemed a gross disparity. In reality, however, she is one of the most well-read, culturally literate, and people-savvy persons I know-- even moreso than her husband in many ways. And they’re a brilliant partnership with amazing kids.

In another couple I know, it’s the wife with more formal education. She’s also more quick witted and socially adept than her husband. But he is nevertheless a smart man, a hard worker with good economic sense, and someone who reads people well even if he cannot keep up with the conversation in the same way. Again, together they’re a great match with awesome kids.

It’s not easy to see, from the outside looking in, that these relationships would work, but they do. Maybe your parents and friends need to see you together more to get a better sense of the dynamic.

they feel

the long distance thing is stupid

Sounds like you agree about that, and it’s not insurmountable.

they feel

his family situation (divorced parents) will inherently cause problems

Some couples deal with much worse. The real question is whether you and he can.

they feel

he is self-centered
his teasing me is very disrespectful

These, as others mentioned, are the biggest red flags. Pay attention, and seek other counsel as available.

they feel

he is “low class”

“Class” disparity is a problem for some people and not for others. I think one of the most important factors in dealing with this is how well you communicate.

I do love and respect my parents. I value their wisdom and I do listen when they tell me their reasoning. There are a couple of things I can see being red flags, and I intend to keep a careful eye out for these, too. I know they just want the best for me. I also don’t want to endure unnecessary heartbreak. I want to have the best marriage possible and best future spouse. But I am just having a hard time with the idea of dropping Matt without my own reasoned conclusions.

Good.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and there are many different kinds of intelligence… I am very aware of how tiresome not connecting on an intellectual level can be, and it’s not an experience I want for a lifetime. He also picks up on and appreciates my humor very well.

Good.

I think a supremely organized, super planned and punctual person would not be able to tolerate me for very long…

Depends on the person. For real-- I know couples with this sort of difference, too.

My mom does not like the way he dresses and my sister leaked to her that he likes to shop at thrift stores to find new shirts he likes. Which didn’t help that situation…

The self-centeredness and teasing issues are things that I am being cautious about… There are times when the teasing does cross a line and is at my expense to try to win the approval of others. And I don’t think that is acceptable. And he really shouldn’t do it in front of my family. Or his…

Keep an eye on that. And it may be something to discuss openly with him.

 

[Xantippe]

“My mother is divorced and re-married to my step-father who has two children of his own. I’ve yet to see that cause any issues in MY marriage, so I can’t see why it would in yours…”

Being from a divorced family simply is a risk factor, statistically speaking. The worst risk is when both spouses are from divorced families. (If you read any serious book on divorce, this will all be laid out with facts and figures.)

In my family, it’s almost as if divorce is a genetic condition. In my extended family as a whole, there was only two divorces in my parents’ generation (both involving the same auntie–a lovely person, as a matter of fact). In my generation, the only divorces (so far–knock on wood!) have involved her two adopted step-kids. I think in part, there are some personality issues in play that are actually genetic–my step-cousin who is my age (late 30ish) is on his 3rd marriage already, which just blows my mind. That’s partly bad luck (2nd wife died), but it’s also just because his personality type is to jump into things without thinking too much about the consequences.

The fact that somebody is from a divorced family is a risk factor. It’s not a deal breaker, but it means that more time and care needs to be taken to make things work.

 

[Xantippe]

Correction–this is my father’s side of the family. I know a lot less about my mother’s side of the family, but there also, the marital dysfunction is heavily concentrated among a few people.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Thanks for everything so far. I left out a lot of details purely to refrain from writing a novel that nobody wanted to read. Haha.

No, the long distance thing is not ideal. But I have 2 free flights from my airline rewards program, so the money issue in this regard is not immediately an issue. But financially, it is unwise for both of us in the long term.

In addition, everyone can be on their best behavior while on these vacations (Matt has come out to see me 3 times since the year started and has stayed for a week each time, as a side note). To really get to know one another, and I recognize that you would have to see how they are on a daily basis. This is something that needs to be addressed. But Matt has proposed that he move out here for the winter months if and when his new job has the seasonal layoffs it typically does.

I’m 22 and Matt is 27. We met through mutual, mutual friends on a social media site, not via the online dating thing. Right now I live with my younger sister and I am currently studying economics and graduating in May. I don’t really like econ though and I am not particularly good at it. I wanted to change to an education major but stuck with my current degree per my dad’s request. (My strong suits are teaching, foreign language and music, so I would go back to study these things at a much less expensive university closer to home in the fall.)

I know that my parents are in no way obligated to support me financially. They know that I couldn’t live on my own in May though, and I almost expect this is by design. (In high school, my siblings and I had to pay for half of our car in order to call it our own and take it to college. But we were not allowed to pay more than half so that my parents could still take the car as a punitive measure. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying.)

I also know that the long distance thing is not ideal. Everyone can be on their best behavior while on these vacations (Matt has come out to see me 3 times since the year started and has stayed for a week each time, as a side note). To really get to know one another, and I recognize that you would have to see how they are on a

he is not attractive enough for me

 

[Allegra]

It wouldn’t surprise me if this is as simple as they don’t want you dating the guy because he is from far away and they are afraid you will move away from them. This is a completely common, understandable, and unreasonable position for parents to take. It seems to me that you may be reaching a point where it is prudent to begin the gentle, tactful process of extracting them from the role of being the trellis upon which you’ve grown and blossomed and replanting them in a role more suitable to that of parents of an adult child. In other words, don’t allow them to manipulate and control you when it isn’t their place to do so, but also, don’t expect them to finance your life and support you as if you were still a child.

 

[MariaG]

You say that you were going to pay for the car. Does that mean you pay for your own insurance and gas too? They pay for your rent? Phone? Unless you pay for all your bills, they do infact have a right to tell you how you should spend “your” money. Money that you only have because they pay for other things. If they are paying for college, they have a right to minimize their out of pocket expenses by helping you make financially sound decisions.

And even though you only have spent a little time with him in person he says things that cross the line at your expense?!? That is not going to get better. If his best behavior crosses the line, do you really want to see the up all night with kids behavior is going to look like?

RED FLAG!!

Seriously reconsider this relationship.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You need to get out from under the thumb of your parents. I hate to say this but from what you’ve written it doesn’t seem like they have your best interests at heart so much as they don’t want to lose you and are selfishly putting their needs first.

At 22 you are old enough to get on a plane and visit someone. You are old enough to decide what kind of car to buy. You should decide on your own major. At the same time you are old enough to take some financial responsibility. That may mean more school loans and a job, but the freedom is well worth it, and the skills you will learn will be very valuable.

Honestly, I don’t see any red flags. Yeah, he joked with you, but from what you posted he was just playing around and your family was looking to be offended.

Time to break free.