Parental Block-- Parents Dislike Boyfriend

[MariaG]

I just need to say this. Yes. At 22 you are old enough to decide your own major. But again, it parents are footing the bill, they probably can’t afford to keep paying for your school. Which is probably why they asked you not to change your major.

But I will say, you are better off changing your major and not graduating because once you graduate, cost goes up. If you really want to major in something else, get some school loans and do it. But do not expect your parents to keep paying for things including phones.

Under their thumb? Maybe. But also sounds like that thumb is under their financial umbrella.

And I have to agree with the parents who talk about the “fruits” of the relationship. Not a good beginning that has to start under falsehoods. Either grow up, take responsibility for your actions financial or otherwise and be honest or realize you are acting very immature by your decisions and lack of honesty and you really are not mature enough for the relationship you started.

 

[bluetopaz]

Again, I thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. I really appreciate it and all of your perspectives.

I know my parents have my best interest at heart. Because I had a lot of college credits from AP and college level courses in high school, changing majors would not have made me take longer to finish school. (Like I said, I’m not as dumb as I have recently seemed.) My dad was just worried about finding me being a job with a teaching and language degree. However, I’m learning firsthand how hard it is to find a job when you’re not particularly good at your more “technical” major.

I flew out to meet Matt because I usually am a practical person. I felt there was a connection when we would talk on the phone. I just didn’t want to waste any more of time on the phone if 8 months later we met and it was not happening. That’s a lot of unnecessary time and emotional investment if it’s not going anywhere. I arguably should have let him come out first, but there were some other things at play that made it easier for me to go.

Interestingly enough, when I told my parents that I had flown across the country, they were shocked and thought I was crazy, but they really weren’t as angry or upset that I had done it until after they met Matt. I don’t know if it was along the lines of, “you did that for this guy?!” or what. I guess he just didn’t meet their expectations in a lot of ways…

I know that they might fear me going away and leaving them, but I’ve already told them that I’m not going to move out there. I have siblings in elementary school that I want to see grow up, all of my grandparents are still alive, and, long-term, I want my parents and family to be close by when I’m starting my own family. Matt’s parents and siblings are scattered around his state and don’t necessarily have the structure I would want or the support I would like when raising a family. Matt has already told me that he is willing to move out here after he has put in a respectable amount of time at his new job, settled some financial obligations and saved enough to support a life where I live.

Yes, I understand the adult financial responsibility thing going on. I currently have three part-time jobs and I’m not opposed to working again while pursuing future degrees. My goal in doing any of this is to get a good enough job so that I can repay my part of the student loans, reimburse my parents for what they have done for me and even help with my siblings’ college education. I don’t feel entitled to anything, but I appreciate the help they have given me in order to start these opportunities.

I have 2 free flights from rewards programs that I could use to see Matt, so that’s not (currently) a financial strain on my life or something my parents should use to argue their point at this time. Again, I don’t plan on flying out every month either. That doesn’t really inspire one of us (him) to move, help us really get to know each other, or benefit either one of our wallets long term. Something’s got to give, and the time is ticking on that.

My other concern is that, financially independent or not, my parents still will not support this relationship. And I’m not saying that they should. If they feel so strongly against it, they don’t have to pretend that they are okay with it, I just fear that they will find other ways to express their disdain that will damage the relationship we have with each other. (My mom didn’t talk to me for a week after Matt’s first trip out and took my house keys for several weeks. This was the first time something like that had happened, and it was shocking to me. I tell my mom everything and we usually get along very well. My dad has a less volatile personality overall.)

The point is, I don’t want to negatively impact my relationship with my parents, and I’m not asking them to go against their consciences by pretending to support something that they don’t. I am trying to be mindful of potential red flags with Matt, and and I wish our relationship didn’t start with deceiving my parents. But just ending things with Matt solely because my parents said so would always leave me wondering. Maybe Matt and I aren’t meant to be together forever and ever, but I’ll never be at peace with that unless I figure that out for myself. And I won’t know how to look for these things firsthand with future dates either. My parents’ insight is very helpful though; I appreciate it and I’d like to have it along the way.

I just don’t know how to reconcile those aspects.

 

[Xantippe]

“My goal in doing any of this is to get a good enough job so that I can repay my part of the student loans, reimburse my parents for what they have done for me and even help with my siblings’ college education.”

Your heart is in the right place, but please reconsider those last two things (at least if we’re talking about big money). You will recompense your parents for what they have done for you by doing the same or better for your children. Your primary loyalty will eventually be your husband and your children. Just paying off your loans, saving an emergency fund, saving for a wedding (your parents may not pay for a wedding, after all), setting up your marital home, and saving for a downpayment for a house will suck up a considerable amount of money, to say nothing of the potential costs associated with your future children.

It’s wonderful that you want to help your family, but 1) you don’t have anything right now and 2) funneling too many family resources toward your family may injure your relationship with your future husband. I fear that you may be hoping to buy your parents’ approval with money, and that it won’t work.

Also, don’t be too quick to invite siblings to stay with you in your marital home when you are a newylywed. Give yourself a year or two to settle down before complicating things with long-term visitors.

And lastly, while your family does sound controlling, there’s also the danger that you may be rushing away from them, only to fall into a relationship with a controlling man, because that’s what you know.

Be slow, be prudent, use bricks not straw.

Good luck!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I just need to say this. Yes. At 22 you are old enough to decide your own major. But again, it parents are footing the bill, they probably can’t afford to keep paying for your school. Which is probably why they asked you not to change your major.

But I will say, you are better off changing your major and not graduating because once you graduate, cost goes up. If you really want to major in something else, get some school loans and do it. But do not expect your parents to keep paying for things including phones.

Under their thumb? Maybe. But also sounds like that thumb is under their financial umbrella.

And I have to agree with the parents who talk about the “fruits” of the relationship. Not a good beginning that has to start under falsehoods. Either grow up, take responsibility for your actions financial or otherwise and be honest or realize you are acting very immature by your decisions and lack of honesty and you really are not mature enough for the relationship you started.

That’s why I don’t think that her parents have her best interests at heart. Good parents encourage their children to grow and become independent while providing a support system to fall back on. They don’t hold finances over a 22 year old’s head and threaten to cut her off if she doesn’t do exactly as they wish with her own personal life choices.

Oh sure, they are within their rights to do so, but that isn’t good parenting. Just think, she’s financially dependent. They could threaten to cut her off if she interviews for certain jobs or jobs in certain cities. Then they have her trapped, no freedom to find employment and without that employment no freedom. Within their rights? Yes. Moral/wise/loving? No.

She’s 22. They need to help her navigate the process of choosing and buying a car, not making demands. They need to point her towards resources that will help her figure out what she wants in life, not dictating her education. They need to offer advice and support when it comes to serious relationships (while recognizing that one of these men could end up being the father of their grandchildren), not threatening/blackmailing/forbidding/patronizing/controlling.

 

[brian614]

 

[brian614]

Interesting thread… I think VeritasLuxMea and those with similar views are making a strong case. Just my humble opinion

 

[MariaG]

Again, I thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. I really appreciate it and all of your perspectives.

I know my parents have my best interest at heart. Because I had a lot of college credits from AP and college level courses in high school, changing majors would not have made me take longer to finish school. (Like I said, I’m not as dumb as I have recently seemed.) My dad was just worried about finding me being a job with a teaching and language degree. However, I’m learning firsthand how hard it is to find a job when you’re not particularly good at your more “technical” major.

I flew out to meet Matt because I usually am a practical person. I felt there was a connection when we would talk on the phone. I just didn’t want to waste any more of time on the phone if 8 months later we met and it was not happening. That’s a lot of unnecessary time and emotional investment if it’s not going anywhere. I arguably should have let him come out first, but there were some other things at play that made it easier for me to go.

Interestingly enough, when I told my parents that I had flown across the country, they were shocked and thought I was crazy, but they really weren’t as angry or upset that I had done it until after they met Matt. I don’t know if it was along the lines of, “you did that for this guy?!” or what. I guess he just didn’t meet their expectations in a lot of ways…

I know that they might fear me going away and leaving them, but I’ve already told them that I’m not going to move out there. I have siblings in elementary school that I want to see grow up, all of my grandparents are still alive, and, long-term, I want my parents and family to be close by when I’m starting my own family. Matt’s parents and siblings are scattered around his state and don’t necessarily have the structure I would want or the support I would like when raising a family. Matt has already told me that he is willing to move out here after he has put in a respectable amount of time at his new job, settled some financial obligations and saved enough to support a life where I live.

Yes, I understand the adult financial responsibility thing going on. I currently have three part-time jobs and I’m not opposed to working again while pursuing future degrees. My goal in doing any of this is to get a good enough job so that I can repay my part of the student loans, reimburse my parents for what they have done for me and even help with my siblings’ college education. I don’t feel entitled to anything, but I appreciate the help they have given me in order to start these opportunities.

I have 2 free flights from rewards programs that I could use to see Matt, so that’s not (currently) a financial strain on my life or something my parents should use to argue their point at this time. Again, I don’t plan on flying out every month either. That doesn’t really inspire one of us (him) to move, help us really get to know each other, or benefit either one of our wallets long term. Something’s got to give, and the time is ticking on that.

My other concern is that, financially independent or not, my parents still will not support this relationship. And I’m not saying that they should. If they feel so strongly against it, they don’t have to pretend that they are okay with it, I just fear that they will find other ways to express their disdain that will damage the relationship we have with each other. (My mom didn’t talk to me for a week after Matt’s first trip out and took my house keys for several weeks. This was the first time something like that had happened, and it was shocking to me. I tell my mom everything and we usually get along very well. My dad has a less volatile personality overall.)

The point is, I don’t want to negatively impact my relationship with my parents, and I’m not asking them to go against their consciences by pretending to support something that they don’t. I am trying to be mindful of potential red flags with Matt, and and I wish our relationship didn’t start with deceiving my parents. But just ending things with Matt solely because my parents said so would always leave me wondering. Maybe Matt and I aren’t meant to be together forever and ever, but I’ll never be at peace with that unless I figure that out for myself. And I won’t know how to look for these things firsthand with future dates either. My parents’ insight is very helpful though; I appreciate it and I’d like to have it along the way.

I just don’t know how to reconcile those aspects.

You Should talk to your mother and tell her this!!

May God bless you and give you discernment in this.

 

[MariaG]

That’s why I don’t think that her parents have her best interests at heart. Good parents encourage their children to grow and become independent while providing a support system to fall back on. They don’t hold finances over a 22 year old’s head and threaten to cut her off if she doesn’t do exactly as they wish with her own personal life choices.

Oh sure, they are within their rights to do so, but that isn’t good parenting. Just think, she’s financially dependent. They could threaten to cut her off if she interviews for certain jobs or jobs in certain cities. Then they have her trapped, no freedom to find employment and without that employment no freedom. Within their rights? Yes. Moral/wise/loving? No.

She’s 22. They need to help her navigate the process of choosing and buying a car, not making demands. They need to point her towards resources that will help her figure out what she wants in life, not dictating her education. They need to offer advice and support when it comes to serious relationships (while recognizing that one of these men could end up being the father of their grandchildren), not threatening/blackmailing/forbidding/patronizing/controlling.

I disagree. When our 21 year old was in college and thought that since we were paying for an apartment, he didn’t understand why we didn’t pay for it when he wanted to move in with his girlfriend.

We did continue to pay for college, and food as well as his phone, but not his car, insurance or apartment or any utilities. His car and insurance were not necessary but convenient for him. And we just didn’t have extra money to pay for it.

We still paid for food, but we just couldn’t financially support his decision to move in with his girlfriend.

So under that definition, I wasn’t being a good parent for not paying for his college apartment so he could live with his girlfriend?

 

[PatriceA]

I disagree. When our 21 year old was in college and thought that since we were paying for an apartment, he didn’t understand why we didn’t pay for it when he wanted to move in with his girlfriend.

We did continue to pay for college, and food as well as his phone, but not his car, insurance or apartment or any utilities. His car and insurance were not necessary but convenient for him. And we just didn’t have extra money to pay for it.

We still paid for food, but we just couldn’t financially support his decision to move in with his girlfriend.

So under that definition, I wasn’t being a good parent for not paying for his college apartment so he could live with his girlfriend?

Apples to oranges. Your situation, you saw your son in a sinful situation and you weren’t going to pay for it. But from what you described you didn’t cut your son off, you didn’t threaten to stop paying for his education, you didn’t stop talking to him as the OP stated in her last post. The mom took the house keys away from the OP and stopped talking to her for a week! What exactly did that accomplish?? Seems very immature and very manipulative on the parent’s part.

The way I see it, the parents have manipulated the OP for most of her adult life with threats financially. The OP isn’t allowed to make mature, adult decisions on her own so when the first adult relationship comes along and the OP starts to think for herself, for the good or the bad, the parents sense they’re starting to lose control so they are doing everything to sabotage the relationship. They use guilt trips, threats, estrangement…all to get the OP to do what they want. This isn’t about Matt, the boyfriend, this is all about controlling an adult child when the adult child should be starting to break away from the family and be independent, something the parents just don’t want to happen.

 

[MariaG]

Apples to oranges. Your situation, you saw your son in a sinful situation and you weren’t going to pay for it. But from what you described you didn’t cut your son off, you didn’t threaten to stop paying for his education, you didn’t stop talking to him as the OP stated in her last post. The mom took the house keys away from the OP and stopped talking to her for a week! What exactly did that accomplish?? Seems very immature and very manipulative on the parent’s part.

The way I see it, the parents have manipulated the OP for most of her adult life with threats financially. The OP isn’t allowed to make mature, adult decisions on her own so when the first adult relationship comes along and the OP starts to think for herself, for the good or the bad, the parents sense they’re starting to lose control so they are doing everything to sabotage the relationship. They use guilt trips, threats, estrangement…all to get the OP to do what they want. This isn’t about Matt, the boyfriend, this is all about controlling an adult child when the adult child should be starting to break away from the family and be independent, something the parents just don’t want to happen.

I was going to do a detailed response, but in reality, nothing I was going to say will clarify things for the poster.

I will just reiterate she should talk to her parents as she did to us in her post I already pointed out.

God Bless.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Op - have you had sex with him yet?

 

[bluetopaz]

I will try to talk to my parents about this again. Probably in a few weeks after I graduate though. They will probably/hopefully be calmer about the situation then. My mom did tell me that I know how they feel and they didn’t want to talk about it again, but I also acknowledge that this is a stressful time of year.

My friends (guy and girl) tell me that they like him. A couple of guy friends that really liked him were also ones that he made fun of me with. I can be a sarcastic person, too, and I have no problem getting teased, but that was an instance I admit it was a little too far on the end of my expense. Like an “us and against her” type of thing.

The day he met my parents, he told a less that flattering anecdotes about my little brothers to my parents. He was trying to be relatable, but it fell flat. And through the pavement… I am going to have to figure out how to talk to him about these things, should they happen again.

I’m not trying to buy my parents, I’m just trying to make things easier for them. They have sacrificed a lot and are in a pretty tight financial situation, and I’m just not comfortable knowing I helped put them there without trying to make things better. And I don’t want siblings in my house with my husband, per se, I would just like my future children to have aunts, uncles and cousins in their life. But I may be in for some tight financial living just getting myself by for a while. Which is fine. It instills new levels of responsibility and adult independence. It has to happen sooner or later. Tel est la vie!

No, we have not had sex. We had both decided long before ever meeting each other that nothing of the sort was going to happen until after we were married.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Apples to oranges. Your situation, you saw your son in a sinful situation and you weren’t going to pay for it. But from what you described you didn’t cut your son off, you didn’t threaten to stop paying for his education, you didn’t stop talking to him as the OP stated in her last post. The mom took the house keys away from the OP and stopped talking to her for a week! What exactly did that accomplish?? Seems very immature and very manipulative on the parent’s part.

The way I see it, the parents have manipulated the OP for most of her adult life with threats financially. The OP isn’t allowed to make mature, adult decisions on her own so when the first adult relationship comes along and the OP starts to think for herself, for the good or the bad, the parents sense they’re starting to lose control so they are doing everything to sabotage the relationship. They use guilt trips, threats, estrangement…all to get the OP to do what they want. This isn’t about Matt, the boyfriend, this is all about controlling an adult child when the adult child should be starting to break away from the family and be independent, something the parents just don’t want to happen.

Bingo. We are talking about a 22 year old who needs to start making her own way in the world and stop being manipulated by her parents. Living together before marriage (assuming sexual activity) is a mortal sin. Changing her major, buying a car, and dating are not.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My friends (guy and girl) tell me that they like him. A couple of guy friends that really liked him were also ones that he made fun of me with. I can be a sarcastic person, too, and I have no problem getting teased, but that was an instance I admit it was a little too far on the end of my expense. Like an “us and against her” type of thing.

The day he met my parents, he told a less that flattering anecdotes about my little brothers to my parents. He was trying to be relatable, but it fell flat. And through the pavement… I am going to have to figure out how to talk to him about these things, should they happen again.

I’m not trying to buy my parents, I’m just trying to make things easier for them. They have sacrificed a lot and are in a pretty tight financial situation, and I’m just not comfortable knowing I helped put them there without trying to make things better. And I don’t want siblings in my house with my husband, per se, I would just like my future children to have aunts, uncles and cousins in their life. But I may be in for some tight financial living just getting myself by for a while. Which is fine. It instills new levels of responsibility and adult independence. It has to happen sooner or later. Tel est la vie!

No, we have not had sex. We had both decided long before ever meeting each other that nothing of the sort was going to happen until after we were married.

I am very relieved to hear that.

Do pay very close attention to that kind of teasing. My husband has a really horrible character defect of nasty comments made in the disguise of teasing. I take them as true sentiments that are coming out of his true feelings, since he really suppresses a lot of emotions. They are “zingers” that really hurt me. It can cause resentment and pain and separation. I have to work to forgive him. I’m sure he doesn’t even remember some of his nasty comments to me, but I have a hard time forgetting them. Maybe someone else would just let fly their own “zinger” right back…I simply can’t do that, I don’t have the temperament for it.

I can’t remember that he did this when we were first courting, however. He was on his best behavior then. I would be concerned if someone does this when he is just getting to know you.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I am very relieved to hear that.

Do pay very close attention to that kind of teasing. My husband has a really horrible character defect of nasty comments made in the disguise of teasing. I take them as true sentiments that are coming out of his true feelings, since he really suppresses a lot of emotions. They are “zingers” that really hurt me. It can cause resentment and pain and separation. I have to work to forgive him. I’m sure he doesn’t even remember some of his nasty comments to me, but I have a hard time forgetting them. Maybe someone else would just let fly their own “zinger” right back…I simply can’t do that, I don’t have the temperament for it.

I can’t remember that he did this when we were first courting, however. He was on his best behavior then. I would be concerned if someone does this when he is just getting to know you.

The teasing is really hard to judge because some people communicate in different ways. Personally if I showed up to a family dinner and my mom, brother, SIL, and everyone else didn’t tease and pick on me I would think that they didn’t like me anymore and were about to vote me out of the family. My FH and I are the same way. We make fun of each other constantly, but it’s always done with love and big playful smiles on our faces. The only thing that is off limits is weight and appearance, because that’s something we have both struggled with and overcome, and we did so by being each other’s biggest cheerleaders.

But the first time I met his parents he teased me quite a bit, and I didn’t think anything of it, but I didn’t tease back much because I didn’t want his family to hear me talk to their son/brother like that on our first meeting. Well afterwards his parents dug into him about talking to his girlfriend like that, how they raised him better, how he needs to think long and hard about whether or not he should be with someone he clearly has no respect for, etc. I felt so bad that they would think that so we scheduled another dinner a few weeks later where I played back a little, and then it all came together.

But some people cannot do that. It could just be that they’ve always been more sensitive, or that they don’t have the trust in their partner/family to know that it’s always from a place of love (or maybe they have a partner where it isn’t), or maybe the teasing makes them insecure or is about something that they were already insecure about, or any number of other things. So maybe he was being out of line and disrespectful, or maybe they just communicate differently and need to talk and get on the same page.

 

[brian614]

I will try to talk to my parents about this again. Probably in a few weeks after I graduate though. They will probably/hopefully be calmer about the situation then. My mom did tell me that I know how they feel and they didn’t want to talk about it again, but I also acknowledge that this is a stressful time of year.

My friends (guy and girl) tell me that they like him. A couple of guy friends that really liked him were also ones that he made fun of me with. I can be a sarcastic person, too, and I have no problem getting teased, but that was an instance I admit it was a little too far on the end of my expense. Like an “us and against her” type of thing.

The day he met my parents, he told a less that flattering anecdotes about my little brothers to my parents. He was trying to be relatable, but it fell flat. And through the pavement… I am going to have to figure out how to talk to him about these things, should they happen again.

I’m not trying to buy my parents, I’m just trying to make things easier for them. They have sacrificed a lot and are in a pretty tight financial situation, and I’m just not comfortable knowing I helped put them there without trying to make things better. And I don’t want siblings in my house with my husband, per se, I would just like my future children to have aunts, uncles and cousins in their life. But I may be in for some tight financial living just getting myself by for a while. Which is fine. It instills new levels of responsibility and adult independence. It has to happen sooner or later. Tel est la vie!

No, we have not had sex. We had both decided long before ever meeting each other that nothing of the sort was going to happen until after we were married.

I think you are handling this situation very well! You are respecting your parents and what they have done while also beginning to assert your own independence…

I think your boyfriend found a keeper!

Do you have an older sister??? Lol

 

[TheRealJuliane]

The teasing is really hard to judge because some people communicate in different ways. Personally if I showed up to a family dinner and my mom, brother, SIL, and everyone else didn’t tease and pick on me I would think that they didn’t like me anymore and were about to vote me out of the family. My FH and I are the same way. We make fun of each other constantly, but it’s always done with love and big playful smiles on our faces. The only thing that is off limits is weight and appearance, because that’s something we have both struggled with and overcome, and we did so by being each other’s biggest cheerleaders.

But the first time I met his parents he teased me quite a bit, and I didn’t think anything of it, but I didn’t tease back much because I didn’t want his family to hear me talk to their son/brother like that on our first meeting. Well afterwards his parents dug into him about talking to his girlfriend like that, how they raised him better, how he needs to think long and hard about whether or not he should be with someone he clearly has no respect for, etc. I felt so bad that they would think that so we scheduled another dinner a few weeks later where I played back a little, and then it all came together.

But some people cannot do that. It could just be that they’ve always been more sensitive, or that they don’t have the trust in their partner/family to know that it’s always from a place of love (or maybe they have a partner where it isn’t), or maybe the teasing makes them insecure or is about something that they were already insecure about, or any number of other things. So maybe he was being out of line and disrespectful, or maybe they just communicate differently and need to talk and get on the same page.

True, there is teasing, and then there is something else. If anyone gets hurt by the comments, to me, it isn’t teasing but a veiled attack. My husband tends to hold things in, and then these knives will come out at some point. So I do think it is what he really thinks, on the inside. I never say such things to him. I have told him how much his comments hurt me but he still does it, and he never apologizes. He will just say, “Just kidding,” or, “I’m only teasing,” but it doesn’t help.

I just wonder what the OP’s parents saw, that she isn’t seeing…

 

[BlueEyedLady]

True, there is teasing, and then there is something else. If anyone gets hurt by the comments, to me, it isn’t teasing but a veiled attack. My husband tends to hold things in, and then these knives will come out at some point. So I do think it is what he really thinks, on the inside. I never say such things to him. I have told him how much his comments hurt me but he still does it, and he never apologizes. He will just say, “Just kidding,” or, “I’m only teasing,” but it doesn’t help.

I just wonder what the OP’s parents saw, that she isn’t seeing…

She said that the teasing they were upset about was him saying “women take so long to get ready” and that he almost “pulled a Tori” when he forgot something. I don’t think that those are attacks or even in poor taste.

In my house “pulling a BlueEyedLady” can mean any number of things-falling down stairs, losing glasses, or saying something stupid with the best intentions.

 

[aspirant]

My friends (guy and girl) tell me that they like him. A couple of guy friends that really liked him…

I’m not asking if their first impression was positive, though. What you really want is their totally honest opinions after they’ve spent a considerable amount of time with your BF-- a couple of months or more, for example-- both in your presence and not in your presence.

 

[bluetopaz]

I am not an exceptionally sensitive person, and my family teases each other all the time. My friends and I tease each other and it really is a term of endearment. I feel in that way, my situation is much like Blue-Eyed Lady’s.

The teasing my parents were upset by did not upset me at all. but they are sensitive to anything they feel is bashing their kids. I think Matt was just trying to have something to talk about, and build himself up to impress my family. But that is not a strategy that is going to work to win them over.

I have no problem letting my own zingers fly though. I am quick-witted and capable. I think, also like Blue-Eyed Lady’s story, I wouldn’t want to knock him in front of his family without any precedent. Most of it is fine, I have no problem being teased and enjoy the sport of the banter, so to speak, when we both are just genuinely laughing. But when I’m being teased and not included in the “circle of teasing,” there’s a different edge to the jokes at my expense, and I feel my comebacks are no longer just for sport, but to defend my pride, which doesn’t come from the same place. It’s nothing that keeps me up at night, just something to keep an eye on.

Matt told me last night that he would like for me to come out and stay with his mother and sister for 2-3 weeks this summer when I am between school and/or jobs. He would potentially be away for work for part of the time, but in any case, the trip would give me an opportunity to see how he interacts with his friends and family. I would also get to know the type or people he keeps in his company and the type of situation he grew up in.

I haven’t dared mention this to anyone though. I just wish I had better clarity on this relationship overall. Conversations about our future together are getting more serious, and the more time that passes, the more unpleasant the breakup (if it comes). And if this isn’t the guy for me, I’d rather not make a mess of my family situation along the way. (even if he is, I’m not prepared to sever all ties with my family).

I have been trying to discern this relationship, but I have not yet gotten an answer either way.