Parental Block-- Parents Dislike Boyfriend

[TheRealJuliane]

I am not an exceptionally sensitive person, and my family teases each other all the time. My friends and I tease each other and it really is a term of endearment. I feel in that way, my situation is much like Blue-Eyed Lady’s.

The teasing my parents were upset by did not upset me at all. but they are sensitive to anything they feel is bashing their kids. I think Matt was just trying to have something to talk about, and build himself up to impress my family. But that is not a strategy that is going to work to win them over.

I have no problem letting my own zingers fly though. I am quick-witted and capable. I think, also like Blue-Eyed Lady’s story, I wouldn’t want to knock him in front of his family without any precedent. Most of it is fine, I have no problem being teased and enjoy the sport of the banter, so to speak, when we both are just genuinely laughing. But when I’m being teased and not included in the “circle of teasing,” there’s a different edge to the jokes at my expense, and I feel my comebacks are no longer just for sport, but to defend my pride, which doesn’t come from the same place. It’s nothing that keeps me up at night, just something to keep an eye on.

Matt told me last night that he would like for me to come out and stay with his mother and sister for 2-3 weeks this summer when I am between school and/or jobs. He would potentially be away for work for part of the time, but in any case, the trip would give me an opportunity to see how he interacts with his friends and family. I would also get to know the type or people he keeps in his company and the type of situation he grew up in.

I haven’t dared mention this to anyone though. I just wish I had better clarity on this relationship overall. Conversations about our future together are getting more serious, and the more time that passes, the more unpleasant the breakup (if it comes). And if this isn’t the guy for me, I’d rather not make a mess of my family situation along the way. (even if he is, I’m not prepared to sever all ties with my family).

I have been trying to discern this relationship, but I have not yet gotten an answer either way.

One element that I have not addressed is the fact that he is a child of divorce. Whether or not the results are positive, negative, or mixed, divorce DOES affect the children. Some children whose parents have divorced are extremely committed when they themselves marry. Yet, they may still have trouble knowing just HOW to make a marriage work, since their parents split. Others may have fears about commitment, or may have built up defenses that they may not even be aware of. Whatever the effect, just be aware that the divorce DID affect your friend, and still does.

 

[bluetopaz]

One element that I have not addressed is the fact that he is a child of divorce. Whether or not the results are positive, negative, or mixed, divorce DOES affect the children. Some children whose parents have divorced are extremely committed when they themselves marry. Yet, they may still have trouble knowing just HOW to make a marriage work, since their parents split. Others may have fears about commitment, or may have built up defenses that they may not even be aware of. Whatever the effect, just be aware that the divorce DID affect your friend, and still does.

On a social media site of days gone by, I found Matt’s profile from years ago. On it was a survey that asked what his ideal wedding was, to which he responded “the kind that only happens once.” I think he has the best intentions of making his future marriage work, but the points made above are still valid. The situation is probably not made better by the fact that both of his parents have been married and divorced more than once and 2 of his 3 older half-siblings are divorced…

 

[Kelfa28]

One element that I have not addressed is the fact that he is a child of divorce. Whether or not the results are positive, negative, or mixed, divorce DOES affect the children. Some children whose parents have divorced are extremely committed when they themselves marry. Yet, they may still have trouble knowing just HOW to make a marriage work, since their parents split. Others may have fears about commitment, or may have built up defenses that they may not even be aware of. Whatever the effect, just be aware that the divorce DID affect your friend, and still does.

I tend to cringe when I read posts about how divorce can seriously affect a child’s mindset when it comes to marriage and commitment.
Mainly because my husband comes from a divorced family.

However, I really like how you explained the reasoning behind this.
If a child has no example of commitment then he/she will be very confused as to how marriage can actually work.
When things go wrong…you can just throw in the towel and start over.
It’s an ugly mindset to have…but at the end of the day…most of these kids have no exposure to anything different.
Even if the divorce was a “good” thing (like that of my husband’s parents where there was infidelity and alcoholism) it still paints a very uncertain picture for the future.

I’m lucky my husband is deeply routed in his faith and understands that Marriage is a one time deal and lasts forever.
I’m also infinitely lucky that my parents, despite being agnostics at best, really do recognize the sacrament of marriage. They gave me and my sister the best example of how to keep a marriage together…through anything.
They indirectly taught me that marriage is something you always work on and always fight for because divorce is just not an option at the end of the day.

 

[Xantippe]

“The situation is probably not made better by the fact that both of his parents have been married and divorced more than once and 2 of his 3 older half-siblings are divorced…”

Yep.

You guys may be able to overcome his family history, but if you do get married, you’ll have to do enormous amounts of preparatory work, talking about finances, children, in-law boundaries, etc, and not just once, but many times. This is not a one-weekend engagement prep situation. But I believe in you–despite the wacky long-distance situation, you sound like you’ve got your head screwed on right. I hate the teasing stuff, but that may just have been that he was anxious, eager to impress, and trying too hard. Unfortunately, the more one wishes to impress, the more likely one is to fall on one’s face. Give it time and find out which it was. Definitely spend time actually living and working (not just visiting) in each other’s areas before getting engaged.

While I’ve got my soapbox out, one really bad idea to watch out for is that everybody’s got a “soul mate.” You know the idea–there’s this one perfect person out there for me, and if my spouse turns out to not be perfect, or if I’m not happy every minute of every day, that just means I haven’t found “the one” yet. It sounds really stupid when phrased like this, but it’s a widely held belief.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

On a social media site of days gone by, I found Matt’s profile from years ago. On it was a survey that asked what his ideal wedding was, to which he responded “the kind that only happens once.” I think he has the best intentions of making his future marriage work, but the points made above are still valid. The situation is probably not made better by the fact that both of his parents have been married and divorced more than once and 2 of his 3 older half-siblings are divorced…

Well, you are already more aware of the challenges than I was. Just bear it in mind, and remember that Catholic Charities offers counseling!

In fact, that would be one of the things I would hash out with this boyfriend - when the going gets tough, are you going to be willing to accept help in whatever form might present itself? Am I going to have to drag you to counseling where you will act sullenly and not cooperate, like a teenager? Or will you suggest that we see a marriage counselor when we reach an impasse? Are you willing to go to your own counselor if/when issues come up? Or are you going to try and tough it out, pretend that nothing is wrong, or just ignore the problems?

Talk, talk, talk about the tough stuff. Money. Jobs. Sex. Children. (not in that order) Health. Money. Family. Sex. Children. etc. When you want to stop talking, talk some more. Better to get ALL of the issues out on the table.

Oh, and does his family have any history of drinking problems/addiction. Another factor to bear in mind.

 

[Quill_and_Sword]

Over a year later…what ever happened? How did the situation work out?

 

[St_Francis]

Over a year later…what ever happened? How did the situation work out?

Just a heads-up: we’re not supposed to resurrect old threads. (It often happens when people do a search and come upon an old thread.)

Also, curiosity about something someone hasn’t revealed could be considered excessive-- we need to learn custody of the mind and imagination… it’s hard, bit there it is!

 

[bluetopaz]

Wow, how curious it is that this thread was resurrected just as I was about to ask new advice.

A lot has happened.

I was supposed to visit Matt in early September. My parents forbade it and said I had to be moved out completely if I were to do this (I was working and living back at home at this time). I was throwing things into a storage unit and delaying my trip by a day. Emotional heart-to-hearts with my father and oldest brother dissuaded me from the trip. I postponed it for January, however.

He came out to do disaster relief volunteering in my state from September to November. He made efforts to meet up a little less than once a week while he was here. He would go out for social events with volunteers and not invite me, and it was hurtful when he said he would do things (like spend his one day off looking for paying jobs in the area and then hang out with me, or having me take off a day of work with hopes of getting an early start and spending the whole day together) and would instead take to driving his fellow volunteers 60 miles away on a day trip and invite me to the tail end of it. He went back to his home state in November, taking a route that was longer and had him staying in girls’ homes that he had known anywhere from a day to 3 weeks to his ex-girlfriend of many years. A week later drove 3 hours to see a fellow female volunteer he had only been away from for a couple of weeks. Not only was this a financial strain, but I was a lot closer than 3 hours away while he was volunteering. The very “friendly” pictures that came out of these visits had my parents up in arms. I chose to believe they were just friends.

I went out to visit him against my parents’ wishes right before Thanksgiving. Needless to say, that was quite the strain on my parents and my relationship… Not only that, but I had more glimpses into questionable areas of his life. His mother and father had never gotten married-- his last name was from his mom’s first husband, which is why he shared it with his older, half siblings. His brother-in-law was a new Knight of the Templar. His mom wanted a Ouija board to contact her mother. And, in going through his phone (I’m not proud) he had pictures with his ex-girlfriend from a concert tailgate (a concert in which he was too drunk to ultimately attend) The pictures in and of themselves aren’t that bad, but the texts describing what happened were (He had almost kissed her. She asked how his girlfriend would have felt about that. He said that his girlfriend was very understanding). He would also go drinking in parking lots with a married woman from time to time. All of this information was illicitly gained, so I said nothing.

I moved out and subleased an apartment in January so that I could visit him on the postponed trip. My parents don’t know I left, but I think they have their suspicions. On this trip, I learned even more. He drank an entire bottle of Watermelon Vodka when my trip was delayed a day I wasn’t sure I’d ever see Matt again. He was rude to me in front of people I had only just met, gave me the keys to the car to get something out late at night while we were at the bars, etc. I still didn’t entirely trust him. I wanted to download the “spy software” on his phone, but I was so broke, I didn’t have the $200 to spend on it.

In February, he said he had found an opportunity here. He would still be traveling a lot, but he would be closer more often. Caveat: he was supposed to have a place of residence but didn’t get one. I told him that I was unsure of a lot of things (like my current job contract was coming to an end) and that he should not move out here because of me, but solely for the opportunity. He said maybe we would be done, but ultimately decided that he would roll the dice on us and his job.

I didn’t want him to come, but I didn’t have the courage to break up with him. My head told me our relationship was awful, but my heart couldn’t let him go. I didn’t even know what I would say to him.

I told my parents he was coming and told them everything I had learned about him that I had kept inside for months. The girls, his experimenting with Oxycodon, his fear of passing the marijuana drug test for his new job, the things he had said to me… My mom cried and asked how it was I thought I deserved to be treated like that. She wanted me to break up with him right then in front of her so that she would know it was done, and to make sure he hurt as much as I did. My dad didn’t make me do that.

And I never did. I told them I did, but I couldn’t make myself do it. I didn’t know where I would start, and it seemed so unfair to bring up these things he had done before as grounds for a current breakup. He got in a car accident at work and had to take a drug test immediately. He told me that he had smoked marijuana 5 days before, and was worried. I thought that was my answered prayer. But no employment repercussions came of it. (He knows I don’t like marijuana use. He wants me to try it someday. I’m very much against it.)

My head and heart are so conflicted. I’ve lied to him, saying I have a job lined up in his home state in a matter of weeks, just to get him back where his friends and family are. I know I’m easily the less-likable character in this story. I’m overwhelmed with my own web of lies to make everyone happy. I don’t know what to do or say.

 

[white_sheep]

You don’t know what to do? I think it is pretty obvious. Ditch the loser and listen to your parents more.

 

[bluetopaz]

Wow, how curious it is that this thread was resurrected just as I was about to ask new advice.

A lot has happened.

I was supposed to visit Matt in early September. My parents forbade it and said I had to be moved out completely if I were to do this (I was working and living back at home at this time). I was throwing things into a storage unit and delaying my trip by a day. Emotional heart-to-hearts with my father and oldest brother dissuaded me from the trip. I postponed it for January.

He came out to do disaster relief volunteering in my state from September to November. He made efforts to meet up a little less than once/week while he was here. He’d go out for social events with volunteers and not invite me, and it was hurtful when he said he would do things for our future, or just together and would just hang out with other volunteers instead of doing either. He went back to his home state in November, taking a route that was longer and had him staying in girls’ homes that he had known anywhere from a day to 3 weeks to his ex-girlfriend of many years. A week later, he drove 3 hours to see a fellow female volunteer he had only been away from for a couple of weeks. Not only was this a financial strain, but I was a lot closer than 3 hours away while he was volunteering. The very “friendly” pictures that came out of these visits upset my parents. I chose to believe they were just friends.

I went out to visit him against my parents’ wishes in late November. I had more glimpses into his life. His mom and dad had never been married-- his last name was from his mom’s first husband, which is why he shared it with his older, half siblings. His brother-in-law was a new Knight of the Templar. His mom wanted a Ouija board to contact her mother. And, in going through his phone (I’m not proud) he had pictures with his ex-girlfriend from a concert tailgate (a concert in which he was too drunk to ultimately attend) The pictures themselves aren’t that bad, but the texts describing what happened were (He almost kissed her. She asked how his girlfriend would have felt about that. He said that his girlfriend was very understanding). He would also go drinking in parking lots with a married woman. All of this information was illicitly gained, so I said nothing.

I moved out and subleased an apartment in January so that I could take my postponed trip. I learned more. He drank an entire bottle of Vodka when my trip was delayed a day I wasn’t sure I’d ever see Matt again. He was rude to me in front of people I had only just met, gave me the keys to the car to get something out late at night while we were at the bars, etc. I still didn’t entirely trust him. I wanted to download the “spy software” on his phone, but I was so broke, I didn’t have the $200 to spend on it.

In February, he said he had found a job here. He’d still be traveling a lot, but he would be closer more often. I told him that I was unsure of a lot of things and that he should not move out here because of me, but solely for the opportunity. He said maybe we would be done, but ultimately decided that he would roll the dice on us and his job. (He is homeless here.)

I didn’t want him to come, but I didn’t have the courage to break up. My head told me our relationship was awful, but my heart couldn’t let him go. I didn’t even know what I would say to him.

I told my parents he was coming and about everything I had learned about him that I had kept inside for months. The girls, his experimenting with Oxycodon, his marijuana use, the things he’d said to me… My mom cried and wanted me to break up with him right then in front of her so that she would know it was done, and to make sure he hurt as much as I did. My dad didn’t make me do that.

And I never did. I told them I did, but I couldn’t make myself do it. I didn’t know where I would start, and it seemed so unfair to bring up these things he had done before as grounds for a current breakup. We fought when my phone was broken and I didn’t hang out with him on Easter (he has no family here, he isn’t welcome around my family) and I brought up some of my past hurts. He said he would do better, and admittedly has. But it’s too little, too late.

In the meantime, I’d gotten closer with a guy from my last job, Jack. We’d been hanging out for a while in groups, and he’s shown me what it is to be treated properly. But we’ve also got a relationship that has recently become serious. So the calls to Matt have decreased significantly. And he noticed. I’ve lied to Matt, saying I have a job lined up in his home state in a matter of weeks, just to get him back where his friends and family are before I finally got the courage to break up with him. He got in a car accident at work and had to take a drug test immediately. He told me that he’d smoked marijuana 5 days before, and was worried. I thought that was my answered prayer. But no employment repercussions came of it.

Yesterday when Jack and I were at lunch, Matt walked in. He had gone to my work. He met then Jack and found out we’ve been dating. He wanted 5 minutes to talk about the fewer calls and this guy. I didn’t give it to him. He called me selfish (which, if you’ve been reading this story, you know I have been. I’m selfish in not wanting confrontation or anyone to be mad at me) He was confused and hurt. I feel absolutely awful.

I know I’m the least-likable character in this story. I know I need to go to God, and amend my life in many ways. I’m overwhelmed with my own web of lies, and I want to make it right. I don’t know what to do or say. Everything is fine between Jack and I. The question I really have is: should I call Matt and give him the closure he needs, or is it better if he just hates me & wants nothing more to do with me? I can’t tell if calling him and explaining that my heart always cared for him, I just can’t be with him is giving him the respect he deserves, or is just further selfishness on my part?

 

[St_Francis]

Don’t call him. It’s over now, leave it alone.

 

[MJJean]

Don’t call him. Just completely let it go. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Any further contact is just a bad idea. Say a prayer for him and leave it to God.

 

[Irishmom2]

Are you kidding me?

Your parents were right about this guy all along. He has proven to be a loser, and you have still been hanging on.

My daughter told me that she would never go out with or marry someone that her parents did not like because she trusts our judgement and she knows that in order to have everyone involved be happy in life, they have to like each other.

Why is it that you continue to sneak around behind your parent’s back for someone that is so obviously not worth your time?

Please, end it once and for all and move on with your life. You WILL find someone worthy of you. Matt isn’t. You owe him no explanation. Go to confession and get on with your life. And no more lying to your parents!

 

[white_sheep]

I wonder how my post got above hers?

 

[Irishmom2]

White sheep, she posted, you posted, and then she posted again and added more. You might want to check out the second post.

 

[white_sheep]

Maybe it’s a glitch. I read her post #67 before I made post #66. Maybe she deleted and reposted or edited or something.

 

[Thorns]

bluetopaz;10582697:

Thanks for everything so far. I left out a lot of details purely to refrain from writing a novel that nobody wanted to read. Haha.

No, the long distance thing is not ideal. But I have 2 free flights from my airline rewards program, so the money issue in this regard is not immediately an issue. But financially, it is unwise for both of us in the long term.

In addition, everyone can be on their best behavior while on these vacations (Matt has come out to see me 3 times since the year started and has stayed for a week each time, as a side note). To really get to know one another, and I recognize that you would have to see how they are on a daily basis. This is something that needs to be addressed. But Matt has proposed that he move out here for the winter months if and when his new job has the seasonal layoffs it typically does.

I’m 22 and Matt is 27. We met through mutual, mutual friends on a social media site, not via the online dating thing. Right now I live with my younger sister and I am currently studying economics and graduating in May. I don’t really like econ though and I am not particularly good at it. I wanted to change to an education major but stuck with my current degree per my dad’s request. (My strong suits are teaching, foreign language and music, so I would go back to study these things at a much less expensive university closer to home in the fall.)

I know that my parents are in no way obligated to support me financially. They know that I couldn’t live on my own in May though, and I almost expect this is by design. (In high school, my siblings and I had to pay for half of our car in order to call it our own and take it to college. But we were not allowed to pay more than half so that my parents could still take the car as a punitive measure. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying.)

I also know that the long distance thing is not ideal. Everyone can be on their best behavior while on these vacations (Matt has come out to see me 3 times since the year started and has stayed for a week each time, as a side note). To really get to know one another, and I recognize that you would have to see how they are on a

None of their business.

None of their business.

None of their business.

None of their business.

Unsubstantiated nonsense.

It could, sure. But let’s not visit the sins of the parents upon the son, so to speak. You can’t know that it will cause problems until it actually does (or doesn’t).

I mean, what kind of bat-feces crazy thinking are Catholic parents endorsing these days, if they think that a person is unredeemable because their family wasn’t so great? Hey, parents, Adam and Eve were your

ancestors, too!

None of their business.

What do you think?

None of their business.

Ridiculous. Plenty of people marry their first love and have successful marriages. One of my brothers met his wife when they were 15. They are now 40+ and they have 9 children and they still share a wonderful love.

I married my first love as well, and we have a great marriage, too.

???

Why is that a mistake?

As I understand it, you don’t live at home and you aren’t a minor. The fact that you think you need permission from your parents to fly somewhere is a red flag on them.

Your parents have more red flags in my book than this man does.

I don’t see what the fuss is. You’re not talking about marrying him, you’re just talking about pursuing the relationship. Based on the way your parents talk, I’m not sure they’ll ever let you be with another man. But the good news is: it’s YOUR choice, not theirs.

I agree.

 

[bluetopaz]

Yes, White Sheep, it was originally posted without the end telling of Matt’s discovery that I have been seeing someone else, too.

I have prayed for a long time that Matt go back home. I tend to 1.) ignore problems 2.) try to tell God when and how he should answer my prayers or 3.) handle things myself. So this recent mess has been a very humbling experience.

I recognize that the way I was treated was not ideal, but I am still shocked at people’s powerful reactions to casual stories I’ll tell about him, much like on here. I hope I can someday understand more clearly the things that others see. Right now, I just feel very poorly about how I’ve hurt Matt.

He left the cross and scapular I gave him on my desk before he left. I wish he hadn’t. I think they would do him good.

 

[Irishmom2]

Casual stories?

Drug use, alcohol abuse, other women.

You, lying to your parents, clinging to a relationship that you know should end, for some unknown reason. You speak only of what You have done to hurt Matt, and nothing of what he has done to you.

If these are casual stories, what would you consider serious, or dramatic, or traumatic?

 

[blujazz25]

You have not met and seen this guy so often as to already plan your life around him. As far as the social media stuff you saw, I would not trust that as anyone can put anything in their facebook accounts.

I would suggest to talk to your parents, just you and them and ask them on what they see in him. Being in a new relationship gives you the rose colored lens and you cannot see what you are suppose to be looking for. I would trust your parents advice as they can see if there are red flags on this relationship that can make things worse if you do get married.
When and if they do give you a reason, consider that fully and see the guy in a different light.

Do not burn those bridges with them, trust me. You will need them when you start your young family. The greatest point for me when we got married is walking down the aisle with both parents beside me and seeing his parents and my brother (who is his best man) beside him at the altar.

Pray for the Holy Spirit to guide you on this discernment and show you the way. Ask our Blessed Mother for help as well. I was listening to one of the speakers from a youth conference that she prayed for God to give her a big gut wrench when she is with the guy that she is not meant to be married to, and it worked. Maybe you should ask for that too, but it will take a lot of trust on your part the God is writing your love story.