Parents and Dating?

[lovedance4ever]

I met a really nice guy and we went out about a week ago, but have been talking a lot since then. This weekend, we are taking a boat tour, and he has insisted on paying for it. He is such a gentleman, and very different from a lot of guys I have encountered at college.

At any rate, my parents (father especially) are really upset about this, and have informed me that I should not let him pay for me at all, because he will “expect something in return.” While I realize that this is sometimes the case, I feel that they are being unreasonable. They have been freaked out from the beginning. He is from India and is studying at a university near by; well, they do not like this either, because they say that foreigners believe that American girls are “easy.”

They also have been arguing with me about kayaking, because the boat might turn over and I could drown. I am almost 20 years old. I am going into law enforcement…how will they react then? “Don’t do that! You might get shot!”

I love my parents, and I know they want the best for me. But I am getting really tired of their reactions to normal activities that any girl my age would want to do.

Any opinions? Am I the one who is unreasonable? I just do not know what to think anymore. Thanks in advance!

 

[Jade_Tiger]

You’re a grown-up. If their objections are truly unreasonable, you are not obliged to listen to them. However, you parents doubtless want what is best for you, and you should take what they say into careful consideration.

 

[Ophelia23]

I don’t believe you are being unreasonable at all. Hold to your morals–you owe this young man nothing just because he has volunteered to pay your way! Have a good time, be chaste, be holy, have fun, and get to know this young man. If any of your father’s concerns begin to appear to have merit, then back away from the young man. But my general rule of thumb is to always assume the best in a person, not the worst. If the worst comes to be true, you are perfectly capable of walking away from the situation unscathed.

Edit: I’d like to add, as one who loves to kayak… If you happen to flip your boat, you are not going to be stuck in it. Stay calm, get to the surface, and you’ll be just fine. And it is incredibly, incredibly unlikely to happen in the first place.

 

[TomFromMD]

What’s the boat tour like? Is this just a day trip, or an overnight? If the former, and it’s not especially expensive, I see it as fine. I paid for everything when my wife and I were dating.

But try to respect your parents

 

[robwar]

I met a really nice guy and we went out about a week ago, but have been talking a lot since then. This weekend, we are taking a boat tour, and he has insisted on paying for it. He is such a gentleman, and very different from a lot of guys I have encountered at college.

At any rate, my parents (father especially) are really upset about this, and have informed me that I should not let him pay for me at all, because he will “expect something in return.” While I realize that this is sometimes the case, I feel that they are being unreasonable. They have been freaked out from the beginning. He is from India and is studying at a university near by; well, they do not like this either, because they say that foreigners believe that American girls are “easy.”

They also have been arguing with me about kayaking, because the boat might turn over and I could drown. I am almost 20 years old. I am going into law enforcement…how will they react then? “Don’t do that! You might get shot!”

I love my parents, and I know they want the best for me. But I am getting really tired of their reactions to normal activities that any girl my age would want to do.

Any opinions? Am I the one who is unreasonable? I just do not know what to think anymore. Thanks in advance!

I wonder if you and your friend can get together with your parents and have dinner and have your father get to know him better. Maybe has your father knows him better than some foreign student taking you out, he might be more at ease. You are 20 now so should be able to make your own decisions on who you are dating. There is always a fine balance here because I assume that you are still receiving support to attend college. They sound a little over protective.

 

[anruari]

The only thing I would caution is that if the boat tour includes and over-night stay on board or elsewhere - ensure you have separate rooms. _ Honourable courtship should include some form of chaperone - it’s the best way to avoid falling into sin.

 

[Lorelei12]

Your parents are being unreasonable, and have some weird ideas too. Because he is from India, he thinks you must be easy and is only paying for the date because he will “expect something in return”? That’s quite uncharitable and it’s unfortunate that your parents don’t seem to think they did a good enough job raising you to be a good judge of character.

It is none of your parents’ business whether he pays or not (And, for the record, my husband paid for many of our dates and never “expected” anything in the many years we dated. Some guys are just gentlemen, and if they aren’t you find out soon enough.) If I were you, I would probably not give my parents any details about my date. It’s too bad, because it’s the sort of thing you want to be able to talk about with your parents, but if they can’t discuss it with you casually without being racist and freaking out about you being in a boat, they are just going to stress you out more.

I am sure they are concerned about you being taken advantage of, but if you are in college you are an adult and can surely navigate your own relationships. If you get to know this guy and he turns out to be a creep, so be it, let it go, but if you like him and he’s good to you, there is no reason not to get to know him better because your parents think his country of origin makes him a womanizer.

 

[Xantippe]

If you are doing a guided tour, your kayak guide should be able to help you out if you overturn.

Do pay attention to how much men are spending on you and never let them spend any amount on you that makes you feel you owe them something. I believe the traditional guideline is that only a fiance should give an expensive present. As a rule, if you couldn’t afford to pay for it yourself, then it’s too expensive.

When my husband and I were first dating, he paid for the first few dinners, but as we got more serious, we started going 50/50.

 

[marymary1975]

Well my advice may not be on the side of the majority but is based on life experience which I think is important. When I was between 20 and 25 years old my mother and my grandmother told me many things and gave me many advice that I was convinced that they were unreasonable, I thought they were too old and that they didn’t know what was going on, and that they were overprotective. Today at 38 years when I look back at that time, I realize that 90% of the things they told me were for a very good reason, that they were right and I wish I could go back in time and take their advice because had I done so, I would have saved myself a lot of headache in my life. Now be sure I am never ever going to tell them, “mom you were right” but now I am way more appreciative of what they say. My point is there may be a very good reason for your parent’s advice that you just can’t see because of your lack of life experiences. It is true too, that sometimes parents are overprotective but I am sure that if you sit down with them and speak with them ( and I want to point out speak with them, because many times what young adults do is go and argue with their parents and through arguing nobody wins) and ask them to tell you why he thinks like that regarding this boy, what are their fears re the trip, is there anything in this boy that gives them a negative impression, what do they think about his behavior, why and why. In that way you can get an understanding of their feelings and explain tour feelings to them, and if you thinks they are being overprotective re the trip discuss with them what you can do to eliminate those fears. If you talk openly with them you can have a better understanding of your dating situation. Don’t dismiss their advice because you don’t agree with them because thanks to their experience they may see things that you would miss.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

The fact that this young man is paying for the date is a very good thing–that is what a man should do, at least for the first several dates. It shows that he is a gentleman. If he didn’t pay on the first date, then that would be a bit of a red flag.

It sounds like your parents are definitely over-protective, although I am sure that they are good loving parents. There comes a time when parents need to start letting go of their adult children, and some have a harder time doing that than others.

I wouldn’t let it get to me. Just try to re-assure them in a respectful way, and perhaps (as someone else suggested) refrain from giving all the details of your dates.

 

[billcu1]

I met a really nice guy and we went out about a week ago, but have been talking a lot since then. This weekend, we are taking a boat tour, and he has insisted on paying for it. He is such a gentleman, and very different from a lot of guys I have encountered at college.

At any rate, my parents (father especially) are really upset about this, and have informed me that I should not let him pay for me at all, because he will “expect something in return.” While I realize that this is sometimes the case, I feel that they are being unreasonable. They have been freaked out from the beginning. He is from India and is studying at a university near by; well, they do not like this either, because they say that foreigners believe that American girls are “easy.”

They also have been arguing with me about kayaking, because the boat might turn over and I could drown. I am almost 20 years old. I am going into law enforcement…how will they react then? “Don’t do that! You might get shot!”

I love my parents, and I know they want the best for me. But I am getting really tired of their reactions to normal activities that any girl my age would want to do.

Any opinions? Am I the one who is unreasonable? I just do not know what to think anymore. Thanks in advance!

I don’t think your unreasonable at all. Experienced I don’t know. But we all have to start sometime. There has been god advice in this thread. IMO I think your parents are being overprotective but most are. They sound like they’re worried about what is termed “players”. People who want to have “fun”. Remain chaste keep your dignity.

 

[lovedance4ever]

I wonder if you and your friend can get together with your parents and have dinner and have your father get to know him better. Maybe has your father knows him better than some foreign student taking you out, he might be more at ease. You are 20 now so should be able to make your own decisions on who you are dating. There is always a fine balance here because I assume that you are still receiving support to attend college. They sound a little over protective.

Thank you for your response! That is actually something I mentioned to my father, and he was okay with it. And so I am going to message him tonight and invite him over for dinner sometime this weekend.

I only have one concern that I would like your opinion on…because we have only been out once, do you think it might be too much to have him come over so soon? I do not want to make him feel pressured or anything.

 

[lovedance4ever]

What’s the boat tour like? Is this just a day trip, or an overnight? If the former, and it’s not especially expensive, I see it as fine. I paid for everything when my wife and I were dating.

But try to respect your parents

Thank you for your response! The boat tour is only a couple of hours, so we would be coming home the same day.

I love my parents very much, and we are extremely close in many ways. I definitely understand their fears, especially when every time you turn on the news there is another brutal crime that has been committed. But I also would like for them to let go a little bit. lol

 

[SuperLuigi]

I met a really nice guy and we went out about a week ago, but have been talking a lot since then. This weekend, we are taking a boat tour, and he has insisted on paying for it. He is such a gentleman, and very different from a lot of guys I have encountered at college.

At any rate, my parents (father especially) are really upset about this, and have informed me that I should not let him pay for me at all, because he will “expect something in return.” While I realize that this is sometimes the case, I feel that they are being unreasonable. They have been freaked out from the beginning. He is from India and is studying at a university near by; well, they do not like this either, because they say that foreigners believe that American girls are “easy.”

They also have been arguing with me about kayaking, because the boat might turn over and I could drown. I am almost 20 years old. I am going into law enforcement…how will they react then? “Don’t do that! You might get shot!”

I love my parents, and I know they want the best for me. But I am getting really tired of their reactions to normal activities that any girl my age would want to do.

Any opinions? Am I the one who is unreasonable? I just do not know what to think anymore. Thanks in advance!

If you’re dating someone from another country, you need to be aware of cultural differences and VISA marriage scams.

Parents will be parents and worry, but don’t shrug off their advice too lightly.

A lot of foreign men DO see American/Western/East Asian women as easy. It’s a consequence in part as to how they are portrayed in the media over the last 50 years from Playboy to free porn on the internet.

Just treat this like you would any other dating situation: Don’t give out free passes because of “cultural differences”, race, ethnic origin, religion ect.

And you are 20, so you can form contracts and associate with who you want, and the consequences, both positive and negative will be yours.

Finally, I always encourage Catholic women to date Catholic men.

 

[Bezant]

I met a really nice guy and we went out about a week ago, but have been talking a lot since then. This weekend, we are taking a boat tour, and he has insisted on paying for it. He is such a gentleman, and very different from a lot of guys I have encountered at college.

At any rate, my parents (father especially) are really upset about this, and have informed me that I should not let him pay for me at all, because he will “expect something in return.” While I realize that this is sometimes the case, I feel that they are being unreasonable.

Whether he expects “something” in return (aside from your company ) depends on his approach. If he wants a fling, he’ll be aggressive (e.g., frequent texts/calls, excessive compliments and physical contact, etc.) but not fastidious (e.g., not too concerned about your preferences) in his pursuit. Granted, it’s something to think about if he’s only in the country for a short time.

Having said that, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. If he suggested the boat tour, chances are he thought hard about finding a creative activity and wants to know you on a deeper level.

I only have one concern that I would like your opinion on…because we have only been out once, do you think it might be too much to have him come over so soon? I do not want to make him feel pressured or anything.

They have been freaked out from the beginning. He is from India and is studying at a university near by; well, they do not like this either, because they say that foreigners believe that American girls are “easy.”

It’s a common misperception of American women, although it’s ignorant and unwarranted, not to mention ironic, to assume this guy thinks you are “easy” because he’s Indian.

Don’t write it off just because you know better. Before you invite this guy to your home, you need to put yourself in his shoes and consider whether your parents’ comments or opinions might make him uncomfortable.

 

[quiet52]

Assure your parents you’ll tell them all about your date after the kayak ride!

Ask them if they’d like to meet your classmate some time, but remind them he and you aren’t “serious”.

 

[robwar]

Thank you for your response! That is actually something I mentioned to my father, and he was okay with it. And so I am going to message him tonight and invite him over for dinner sometime this weekend.

I only have one concern that I would like your opinion on…because we have only been out once, do you think it might be too much to have him come over so soon? I do not want to make him feel pressured or anything.

No and the reason is that your father had concerns about him especially since he is from another country. I suggested it to ease the relationship with your parents and maybe as they meet him, they would feel more comfortable about it. This doesn’t mean you are serious nor does it have to even imply it later. Sometimes I think that having a male friend from another country or culture sounds scary and old misconceptions or even prejudices arise which are unfounded. Once someone meet and get to know another person from somewhere else, they realize that the fears are unfounded. good luck.

 

[Xantippe]

Although American men are obviously not a totally risk-free proposition, It’s not ridiculous to have concerns about the cultural difference. The cultural expectations about gender may be invisible right now, but might become a real problem in a more serious relationship. When I was a college student planning to do a study abroad in Russia, my Russian department chair told me “Whatever you do, do not bring home a Russian husband.” The guy had devoted his life to Russian culture and was married to a Russian woman, but I expect he’d seen a lot of trainwrecks involving Russian men and American women. You can say the same about a lot of other world cultures, too. (I believe the Scandinavians are super duper egalitarian, so they might be one of the exceptions.) No matter how enlightened a guy is, deep down, he has certain expectations of how things ought to be at home and how much of a say he should have in family affairs. I’m not saying that it’s impossible to have a happy relationship with a guy who has been treated like a king since toddlerhood just for being a boy and has been raised with the expectation that he won’t have to lift a finger at home, but it’s certainly an additional hurdle. And if there’s anything to learn from this forum, it’s that marriage is tricky.

Enjoy yourself, but pay attention and move slowly. If you do get serious, you may need to devote more time to getting to know each other than you would if you were from the same culture.

 

[marymary1975]

Although American men are obviously not a totally risk-free proposition, It’s not ridiculous to have concerns about the cultural difference. The cultural expectations about gender may be invisible right now, but might become a real problem in a more serious relationship. When I was a college student planning to do a study abroad in Russia, my Russian department chair told me “Whatever you do, do not bring home a Russian husband.” The guy had devoted his life to Russian culture and was married to a Russian woman, but I expect he’d seen a lot of trainwrecks involving Russian men and American women. You can say the same about a lot of other world cultures, too. (I believe the Scandinavians are super duper egalitarian, so they might be one of the exceptions.) No matter how enlightened a guy is, deep down, he has certain expectations of how things ought to be at home and how much of a say he should have in family affairs. I’m not saying that it’s impossible to have a happy relationship with a guy who has been treated like a king since toddlerhood just for being a boy and has been raised with the expectation that he won’t have to lift a finger at home, but it’s certainly an additional hurdle. And if there’s anything to learn from this forum, it’s that marriage is tricky.

Enjoy yourself, but pay attention and move slowly. If you do get serious, you may need to devote more time to getting to know each other than you would if you were from the same culture.

This is very very true! And actually that was one of the things my grandmother said that I wish I had taken into account. I married outside my culture and the first thing she told me was cultural differences are a huge hurdle in a marriage. I didn’t believe her and it wasn’t until I was married I realized how much of a burden and hurdle cultural differences can be.

 

[Fairwinds]

The only thing I would caution is that if the boat tour includes and over-night stay on board or elsewhere - ensure you have separate rooms. _ Honourable courtship should include some form of chaperone - it’s the best way to avoid falling into sin.

a chaperone for a 20 year old?