Parents and Dating?

[3DOCTORS]

The fact that this young man is paying for the date is a very good thing–that is what a man should do, at least for the first several dates. It shows that he is a gentleman. If he didn’t pay on the first date, then that would be a bit of a red flag.

It sounds like your parents are definitely over-protective, although I am sure that they are good loving parents. There comes a time when parents need to start letting go of their adult children, and some have a harder time doing that than others.

I wouldn’t let it get to me. Just try to re-assure them in a respectful way, and perhaps (as someone else suggested) refrain from giving all the details of your dates.

My parents were waaaay more overprotective than yours! But as Marymary1975 said, sometimes in retrospect I see their good intentions more than I did at the time. They had both been through a lot of hardship and loss, and difficulty conceiving and I was their only. So they had a lot of separation anxiety and fear of something happening to me. And they were worriers. I prayed asking God to calm their anxieties because that was the root of the difficulties.

 

[R1ch4rd]

I met a really nice guy and we went out about a week ago, but have been talking a lot since then. This weekend, we are taking a boat tour, and he has insisted on paying for it. He is such a gentleman, and very different from a lot of guys I have encountered at college.

At any rate, my parents (father especially) are really upset about this, and have informed me that I should not let him pay for me at all, because he will “expect something in return.” While I realize that this is sometimes the case, I feel that they are being unreasonable. They have been freaked out from the beginning. He is from India and is studying at a university near by; well, they do not like this either, because they say that foreigners believe that American girls are “easy.”

They also have been arguing with me about kayaking, because the boat might turn over and I could drown. I am almost 20 years old. I am going into law enforcement…how will they react then? "Don’t do that! You might get shot!"

I love my parents, and I know they want the best for me. But I am getting really tired of their reactions to normal activities that any girl my age would want to do.

Any opinions? Am I the one who is unreasonable? I just do not know what to think anymore. Thanks in advance!

Have you talked to them about this? Law enforcement as in being a cop? If your parents are freaked out over a two hour boat ride, how do you think they’ll feel about being alone in a squad car for a twelve hour shift with a gun on your hip? You could remind them that one day not so far away, you may be protecting them.

 

[Bezant]

If you’re dating someone from another country, you need to be aware of cultural differences and VISA marriage scams. A lot of foreign men DO see American/Western/East Asian women as easy. It’s a consequence in part as to how they are portrayed in the media over the last 50 years from Playboy to free porn on the internet. Just treat this like you would any other dating situation: Don’t give out free passes because of “cultural differences”, race, ethnic origin, religion ect. Finally, I always encourage Catholic women to date Catholic men.

Although American men are obviously not a totally risk-free proposition, It’s not ridiculous to have concerns about the cultural difference. The cultural expectations about gender may be invisible right now, but might become a real problem in a more serious relationship. I’m not saying that it’s impossible to have a happy relationship with a guy who has been treated like a king since toddlerhood just for being a boy and has been raised with the expectation that he won’t have to lift a finger at home, but it’s certainly an additional hurdle.

In other words, the OP should protect herself against a sexist assumption of American women with a xenophobic assumption of Indian men?

Reading the OP’s information it appears that this man is self-sufficient, educated, and ambitious, and yet neither of you seem concerned about judging him as an individual.

 

[Xantippe]

“Reading the OP’s information it appears that this man is self-sufficient, educated, and ambitious, and yet neither of you seem concerned about judging him as an individual.”

A guy can be self-sufficient, educated and ambitious and still be an ogre as a husband. One of my close relatives is married to a chauvinistic European with exactly those qualities, and I’m so glad he’s not my husband. I’m married to an Eastern European immigrant myself, but he’s a really good guy.

Also, I’m not against the OP’s guy friend, but I do think the OP will have to take more time. As I said in the part of my post you didn’t quote, “Enjoy yourself, but pay attention and move slowly. If you do get serious, you may need to devote more time to getting to know each other than you would if you were from the same culture.” The problem here is getting swept off your feet, thinking it’s Prince Charming, and then once you’re married, discovering that he thinks you’re going to be the serving wench at the castle. This may sound stereotypical, but it’s a real problem.

Marriage prep is very important in these cases, and not the stupid weekend blitz kind.

 

[R1ch4rd]

“Reading the OP’s information it appears that this man is self-sufficient, educated, and ambitious, and yet neither of you seem concerned about judging him as an individual.”

A guy can be self-sufficient, educated and ambitious and still be an ogre as a husband. One of my close relatives is married to a chauvinistic European with exactly those qualities, and I’m so glad he’s not my husband. I’m married to an Eastern European immigrant myself, but he’s a really good guy.

Also, I’m not against the OP’s guy friend, but I do think the OP will have to take more time. As I said in the part of my post you didn’t quote, “Enjoy yourself, but pay attention and move slowly. If you do get serious, you may need to devote more time to getting to know each other than you would if you were from the same culture.” The problem here is getting swept off your feet, thinking it’s Prince Charming, and then once you’re married, discovering that he thinks you’re going to be the serving wench at the castle. This may sound stereotypical, but it’s a real problem.

Marriage prep is very important in these cases, and not the stupid weekend blitz kind.

Bolding is mine and has to do with the OP’s chosen career rather then race.

It sounds as if the OP is more concerned about her parents strictness then marrying this man. After a sufficient amount of time together, they will only start to know if marriage should even be pursued. If the OP is going into Law Enforcement in any other way then desk duty, it will take a very special man to understand and appreciate the long days (and nights) in a position of authority and danger. How does a person of Indian decent feel about a woman who may carry a gun and will be trained to be aggressive. If LE is her chosen field, her parents should allow more flexibility because to find a spouse who will last, it’s going to take extra time.

 

[robwar]

I think people are jumping the gun here about marriage or seriousness of the relationship. Op’s father seemed rather against going out with him on a kayaking adverture at least for one reason is that he is from another country. People can have false ideas and prejudices about others from another country. One of the best ways to overcome that is the meet for dinner, talk and get to know someone. I work with several Indian nationals and if anything, the women seems more forthright and opinionated and the men more passive. Culture do shape our views and actions but people are also individuals and we need to treat and relate to them as such and not the sterotypes we want to peg people into. Having friends from different areas of the world only enhanses and expands our own and our understanding of others. It doesn’t have to be a serious friendship at all but friendships with others from other parts of the world should be developing. Aren’t we all God’s children and shouldn’t we be acting that way.

 

[Bezant]

A guy can be self-sufficient, educated and ambitious and still be an ogre as a husband. One of my close relatives is married to a chauvinistic European with exactly those qualities, and I’m so glad he’s not my husband. I’m married to an Eastern European immigrant myself, but he’s a really good guy.

Also, I’m not against the OP’s guy friend, but I do think the OP will have to take more time. As I said in the part of my post you didn’t quote, “Enjoy yourself, but pay attention and move slowly. If you do get serious, you may need to devote more time to getting to know each other than you would if you were from the same culture.”

However your speculation that the OP’s friend might be a chauvinist is wholly based on your perceptions of his national origin; minimal information at best, distorted at worst. The very fact that you advise the OP to “pay attention” may be indicative of your own bias, frankly.

The problem here is getting swept off your feet, thinking it’s Prince Charming, and then once you’re married, discovering that he thinks you’re going to be the serving wench at the castle. This may sound stereotypical, but it’s a real problem. Marriage prep is very important in these cases, and not the stupid weekend blitz kind.

I find that problem stems more from a lack of patience and discernment than cultural differences.

 

[Bezant]

A guy can be self-sufficient, educated and ambitious and still be an ogre as a husband. One of my close relatives is married to a chauvinistic European with exactly those qualities, and I’m so glad he’s not my husband. I’m married to an Eastern European immigrant myself, but he’s a really good guy.

Also, I’m not against the OP’s guy friend, but I do think the OP will have to take more time. As I said in the part of my post you didn’t quote, “Enjoy yourself, but pay attention and move slowly. If you do get serious, you may need to devote more time to getting to know each other than you would if you were from the same culture.”

However your speculation that the OP’s friend might be a chauvinist is wholly based on your perceptions of his national origin; minimal information at best, distorted at worst. The very fact that you advise the OP to “pay attention” may be indicative of your own bias, frankly.

The problem here is getting swept off your feet, thinking it’s Prince Charming, and then once you’re married, discovering that he thinks you’re going to be the serving wench at the castle. This may sound stereotypical, but it’s a real problem. Marriage prep is very important in these cases, and not the stupid weekend blitz kind.

Those marriages exist everywhere, more from a lack of discernment than cultural differences.

 

[Bezant]

I rarely agree with you, but…

I think people are jumping the gun here about marriage or seriousness of the relationship.

Yes.

People can have false ideas and prejudices about others from another country. One of the best ways to overcome that is the meet for dinner, talk and get to know someone. Culture do shape our views and actions but people are also individuals and we need to treat and relate to them as such and not the sterotypes we want to peg people into. Having friends from different areas of the world only enhanses and expands our own and our understanding of others. It doesn’t have to be a serious friendship at all but friendships with others from other parts of the world should be developing. Aren’t we all God’s children and shouldn’t we be acting that way.

And yes.

 

[Xantippe]

Bezant said:

“The very fact that you advise the OP to “pay attention” may be indicative of your own bias, frankly.”

I’m married to an Eastern European, my sister is married to a European, I’ve served in the Peace Corps in provincial Russia, I’ve done a study abroad in St. Petersburg, I’ve taught ESL and EFL and I’ve known a boatload of non-Americans and people in mixed-culture relationships. You say “bias,” I say “experience.”

In the Peace Corps, one of the things we learned in training was about the three stages of dealing with a foreign culture. Stage 1 is total enchantment with everything you see. You’re just floating on air and you love everything you see. Stage 2 is when everything in the new culture irritates you and you’re tired and annoyed all the time by continually having to deal with cultural differences. Stage 3 is when you’ve adjusted to the new culture and you can cope. You aren’t infatuated with it anymore, but you have a more balanced sense of its pluses and minuses.

There’s a version at Wikipedia with 4 steps, but I only remember learning 3 in the Peace Corps.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Culture_shock

The funny thing is how closely adjustment to a foreign culture mimics a romantic relationship. It’s not just prejudice to urge that the OP (or others marrying out of their culture) take time. There is the possibility that the new loved one’s foreignness will initially be part of the enchantment of getting to know them, but that that will be replaced by Stage 2–annoyance and irritation at how HARD it is to deal with someone who doesn’t share your assumptions about the world. The trick is to get through to Stage 3, and achieve a balanced sense of the merits and weaknesses of the new country or person.

You’ll say that people in the same culture have similar issues with infatuation and disenchantment, but I’m pointing out that the potential is for that dynamic to be hugely amplified by cultural difference.

 

[Nils]

Although American men are obviously not a totally risk-free proposition, It’s not ridiculous to have concerns about the cultural difference. The cultural expectations about gender may be invisible right now, but might become a real problem in a more serious relationship. When I was a college student planning to do a study abroad in Russia, my Russian department chair told me “Whatever you do, do not bring home a Russian husband.” The guy had devoted his life to Russian culture and was married to a Russian woman, but I expect he’d seen a lot of trainwrecks involving Russian men and American women. You can say the same about a lot of other world cultures, too. (I believe the Scandinavians are super duper egalitarian, so they might be one of the exceptions.) No matter how enlightened a guy is, deep down, he has certain expectations of how things ought to be at home and how much of a say he should have in family affairs. I’m not saying that it’s impossible to have a happy relationship with a guy who has been treated like a king since toddlerhood just for being a boy and has been raised with the expectation that he won’t have to lift a finger at home, but it’s certainly an additional hurdle. And if there’s anything to learn from this forum, it’s that marriage is tricky.

Enjoy yourself, but pay attention and move slowly. If you do get serious, you may need to devote more time to getting to know each other than you would if you were from the same culture.

Being Scandinavian my self, I would however warn you that most (but not all, obviously) of the people here are very secularized and extremely liberal…

This is off topic but I could not keep my self from commenting.

 

[lovedance4ever]

I just wanted to update you kind, and extremely patient people!

My father eventually calmed down about the whole thing, as did my mother. They were actually really excited to find out that we had a great time. Everything was safe and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I would definitely go kayaking again and I recommend it to anyone who has not gone!

Thank you all so much for your advice and prayers. God bless!

 

[robwar]

I just wanted to update you kind, and extremely patient people!

My father eventually calmed down about the whole thing, as did my mother. They were actually really excited to find out that we had a great time. Everything was safe and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I would definitely go kayaking again and I recommend it to anyone who has not gone!

Thank you all so much for your advice and prayers. God bless!

Good for you! sounds like everything went well. Thanks for updating on what happen.