Parents don't like boyfriend (fiance-to-be)

[Ceili]

don’t allow anyone to stand of the way of what you feel is good and right. my father(LDS) is accepting my Catholic boyfriend whome I have done RCIA for but also for me. It didn’t look good for my father to accept him but I prayed to Our Lady and miracles do happen. I prayed today for you.

 

[wjp984]

This is one of many reasons I want to get a law degree. It will free me up completely to do whatever I want since I’ll always have the financial security of a law degree to fall back on and when I eventually meet someone to marry probably sometime after I graduate I won’t run in to that problem. That sucks about your situation though and your parents seem really wrong to judge your bf on his income level.

 

[prettyflower]

I was in pretty much the same situation.

I was as polite as I could in announcing my wedding to my parents and they kept silent and didn’t talk to me for a while. That was very unncomfortable. I was living with them.

A couple of days before the wedding, my mom went to talk to a priest because she said she felt bad leaving me alone in such an important day but she still didn’t agree.

Thank God the priest, actually the bishop (he was family’s friend) made her understand that it was not her decision to pick or to approve a husband for me.

She talk to my dad and they both attended my wedding. A litttle bit after, my husband became their “favorite” son-in-law.

In conlusion. You are the only one who can decide who you are going to marry and when. They will eventually understand because they love you

 

[dakotagirl]

O–K. Your parents are waaaaaaaay out of bounds with this. $$ is not a sufficient reason to decide not to like your boyfriend at this age. I certainly don’t want to know what their reason would be when you are 40…you’re too old to have kids? Ditto to the poster who said they were not within their parental rights.

 

[dakotagirl]

Um, your parents sound controlling and manipulative and literally impossible to please. (Are you in fact my sister?) If they are this abusive, maybe get some counseling?

 

[ecp007]

Um, your parents sound controlling and manipulative and literally impossible to please. (Are you in fact my sister?) If they are this abusive, maybe get some counseling?

Having Hispanic parents, but being born in the US I can assure you that this situation is very common. Asking advice from a primarily Anglo group of people, is like asking people of today to judge Christopher Columbus or Thomas Jefferson by today’s standards.

The cultural differences are enormous, and difficult if not impossible for an Anglo to understand the volatile and dramitic emotional response that are actually quite common place in Hispanic families.

The parents believe:
This American boy has negatively influenced their otherwise perfect little girl. She has moved out of the house and is probably living in sin far away from them. They can imagine all sorts of evils, like drug addiction, promiscuity, and other immoral activity. They worry and discuss constantly, with every conversation causing more emotional distress and exagerating the problem.

Why? Americans in general have more liberal standards than Hispanics (in general). Or at least that’s what Hispanics think. The daughter did move out of the house (which is a huge No - No for Hispanics, until the daughter is married). She has been living alone for 2 years with little communication, and is not yet married or engaged.

Result: Vicious Cycle
Daughter attempts to communicate with parents. Parents are in an emotional, dramatic tizzy, due to many hours of worrying and hyperbolic discussions. Parents vent their emotions by yelling and insults. This causes daughter not to call back; fueling parents’ worrying and dramatic emotional discussion…etc, etc, etc.

Way out? Accept your parents emotional tirades as their way of saying they love you and are worried about you. This is not going to change, as they have been this way their whole life. Rather than fight back, reassure them. I think a letter from bf’s parents, or a visit from you and bf together would be helpful. They are worried, calm their fears, don’t provoke them.

Then move forward with the engagement and marriage. Once you begin to behave like a responsible adult, and get married like a responsible adult; they will worry less, and calm down ( a little).

Hispanics are very emotional. This is great with plenty of good emotions like laughter, and love and optimism, but is terrible with the bad emotions like worry, insults, loss of control and anger. But its a whole package, you can’t have one without the other.

Everytime your parents get all worked up. Imagine that they are a fire – brings warmth but can also bring distruction. What are you? Will you be the kindling wood that adds to the warmth (that is, reassure them, minimize their fears, ignore the negativity), or the lighter fluid that causes an explosion (fights back, insults them), or cold water that puts the fire out altogether (stop communicating, cut them out of your life)?

You can not control your parents, you can only control your response to them.

 

[purelovemmc]

I’m 25 and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years now. Based on our discussions, we want to get married next summer, so he should propose any day now. Anyway, to make a long story short, my parents don’t like him. They think that I’m too young to get married and that people shouldn’t be married until they have lived their lives longer and have worked more: probably until their early or mid 30s.

My parents are very old-fashioned, but I also think that they are more possessive rather than “conservative.” I’m conservative myself. I mean, I’m a 25-year old virgin and my boyfriend is a 28-year old one as well. We don’t live together or anything like that. He even asked my dad permission to date me, before we started going out, which my dad granted. However, a month after that, my parents started asking me not to bring him home to visit me or wouldn’t let me go out with him. After that they said that they didn’t like him and didn’t want him around. I asked them why and they said that they “didn’t know.”

Right after that, I ended up moving out from their house to another city where my boyfriend lived, because I found another job and for those two years I barely talked with my parents, so at this point, they don’t know him. Now I do talk to my parents, but they don’t ask anything about my boyfriend or don’t want to know anything about him.

This is a stressful situation for me, because I love my parents and now knowing that I don’t necessarily have their blessing just kills me. What kills me the most is that their reasons for not liking him don’t have any substance: he is a teacher so he doesn’t earn much–that’s why they don’t like him. They even tell me that the fact that he is a “great Catholic” is not enough.

Anyway, he is not welcomed at my parents’ so he won’t ask them if he can marry me. I would probably have to go and tell them and I’m just terrified in the sense that I’m scared of how depressed I’ll be when they say that they don’t agree with the wedding.

I’ve talked to my grandma, who knows and likes my boyfriend, and she said that she tried talking to my parents to ask them to welcome my boyfriend to their home, because that was the man I had chosen and they pretty much yelled at her for telling them that.

I wonder if any of you have had similar experiences and if there is any advice you can give me. I would greatly appreciate it. May the Lord bless you all.

Hi,

I had similar experience like yours.
I’ve been going out with a very devout Catholic man for 2 and a half years now and my parents are still not comfortable with him.

It’s hard because you, like me, probably just want everyone to get along. I am not sure about your parents, but for mine, they know that I am serious with this relationship so they try to deny its existence as long as they can so that they will not have the fear or sadness of losing me or letting me move in with my life.

Also, I know how it can be frustrating that you expect that they will like him because he has the most important trait for a man to possess, to be a devout Catholic, but they don’t.

Your parents are just in denial of all the upcoming changes. It’s great that you moved out because then that might have prepared them a little bit.

Just move on in your life. Do things as you plan. Be fair to the man who wants to spend his life with you. Listen to what he says. The parents will come along. Pray to God…

God Bless.

 

[Magickman]

On the other side of the great divide, my parents did not like the girls I dated, when I was a young man.

Back then, though, I was young and foolish. Now, I am no longer young.

My parents forbade my bringing any of my girlfriends to their home, giving lame excuses, such as I might be dating lady burglars, who would rob my parents.

There was never any real danger of my marrying any of these young women, because my mother had poisoned my mind against marriage.

Some of the girls I dated were really fine and Godly young women, but I had no interest in marriage.

Now, scores of years later, I am still not married. But I no longer worry about the opinions of my relatives or other people.

 

[at_peace]

Your parents sound like they need to get counselling. They sound controlling, overbearing, meddling and destructive. You need to start to detach emotionally from these people, so perhaps you can talk to a counselor yourself.