Parents not happy with me visiting boyfriend 4 hours away

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Ladybug1980

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I am a 38 year old Catholic woman. I have never been married.
3 months ago I got into my first relationship with a Catholic man. We met online thru AveMaria Singles. We live in the same state and 4 hours away from each other. My bf first contacted me on AS in April 2018. After talking everyday on the phone for 1 month, he asked if we could meet face to face. In June, he drove 4 hours to come meet me for the 1st time in my city. He has come to see me 11 different times since then. Many of his trips over here have been him staying the whole weekend or several days to be with me. He gets hotels all the time.
I made plans to visit him in October and he was expecting me on a certain date in October. However, he had not yet met my parents because I had not yet arranged for him to meet them so my parents and I agreed it would be right if they met him first before I travel 4 hours to meet him. I had to cancel my drive to go see him 1 day before the scheduled date. My bf was understanding of that. My parents and bf did meet a few weeks later when he came again to my city. My parents were pleased with him. Soon after that, I told my parents that I was going to make plans to visit my bf in his city when I had the chance. This past weekend, I was able to go visit him in his city 4 hours away. I drove back home the same day by the end of the day. However, a few days before and up til the day before my trip, my parents gave me a hard time about driving by myself for 4 hours to go see him. They were not happy with the idea of a woman driving alone 4 hours away. I kept telling my parents to have faith and just pray for my safety. However, it really stressed me out thinking I was making my parents worried. I am supposed to drive to visit my bf again this month to meet his parents. This time he is getting me a hotel so I will not have to drive 8 hours total in one day. My dad recently said he does not want me to go over there again. My dad said my bf as the man should come over to see the woman all the time. I told my parents that it would be right for me to meet his parents and that my bf asked me to go meet his parents at their home. I am stressed out again because I feel like I am disobeying my parents. My parents are practicing Catholics and I do love them dearly. My parents have nothing against my bf. They like that I am dating a good catholic man. However, I have counted the sacrifices my bf has done to come see me numerous times and get a hotel numerous times. I do not feel going over to my bf’s city just once is enough. I would like to meet his parents and show him that I care.
My parents are very protective and I know they are very traditional. None of my siblings have dated long distance and my parents are not used to this. I have tried dating local Catholic men before to where I took the initiative. I have never had success trying to ask out any local Catholic men. However, that is not my issue anymore. My concern is that I have a dear relationship with someone special and I desire to visit him, but the issue is my parents do not want me to visit him just because he is not local.

I just need to hear others opinions on this matter
 
You are 38 years old. It is your life, your call. Your parents are way out of line here. You do not owe them an explaination or even have an obligation to tell them that you are going anywhere.

I say this as a mom with 4 kids that are much younger than you yet still adults. One is currently living far from home. One is traveling in a foreign country. One is living at home and one is close by, but I can’t tell you what they are doing at any given moment. They are adults now and it is their life to live.

I fear if you don’t move past allowing them to rule your thoughts and actions now, if you ever marry, they will attempt to rule your marriage as well. Please learn to implement boundaries.
 
I agree with reply no. 1. You might ask your mother or father if either one wants to be a ‘ride along’ as your only going to be gone for a day and see if that might make them more lenient. Good luck ‘old girl.’
 
Yes the reply of the first poster is good. My parents have a parish event or a church related activity to attend almost everyday. They go out of town when it’s for their own reasons to. They have busy lives and if I did invite my mom to come, she would say they are going to be busy with a church activity or event. I did and do feel as an old girl, lol, that I definately do not need a parent coming along. I can travel by myself. All I can do is pray for my parents to let their kids be adults and leave us kids in God’s hands.
 
13pollitos said:
You are 38 years old. It is your life, your call. Your parents are way out of line here. You do not owe them an explaination or even have an obligation to tell them that you are going anywhere.

I say this as a mom with 4 kids that are much younger than you yet still adults. One is currently living far from home. One is traveling in a foreign country. One is living at home and one is close by, but I can’t tell you what they are doing at any given moment. They are adults now and it is their life to live.

I fear if you don’t move past allowing them to rule your thoughts and actions now, if you ever marry, they will attempt to rule your marriage as well. Please learn to implement boundaries.
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Amen! Nothing more to add, this says it all!
 
You’re nearly 40 years old. You don’t need your parents’ permission to do anything. Your boyfriend is a saint for putting up with this- you cancelled a trip to see him because your parents insisted on meeting him before you drove there?

You need to tell your parents that your travel arrangements are no longer up for discussion and if anyone makes a big deal about it, that you will not be telling them when you have plans to go there.

For the sake of a potential future marriage, and the sake of your boyfriend’s sanity, start practicing setting boundaries with your parents now. You do not owe them information about where you are going and what you are doing, and if it worries them that much then maybe it’s better not to tell them. It will be alarming to them at first, but start pulling back little by little with information you know is going to set them off. Don’t allow them to dictate how your relationship works any longer.
 
You are 38 years old. You should have cut the apron strings a LONG time ago. You don’t need their permission or approval to drive 4 hours or for anything else.

You also don’t need to discus this with them. Make your plans and go. They don’t get a say. Period. Get triple A if you are concerned about road safety. You have a cell— if something happens your man can be there in a few hours or AAA in no time.

I’m going to be honest here: you have an unhealthy dynamic with your parents. They have stunted your growth as an independent adult. This is standing between you and your future.
 
You are a 38 year old grown woman, I am going to assume you are of sound mind 🙂 I’d smile and say “thank you for your concern, mom and dad, but, I am a grown woman and I have a good head on my shoulders. So, did you watch Shark Tank last night?”
 
MaryEstelle2 said:
You might ask your mother or father if either one wants to be a ‘ride along’ as your only going to be gone for a day and see if that might make them more lenient.
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No. Not a good idea at all. This would only enable her parents’ controlling behavior. She’s 38 years old, she doesn’t have to answer to them, and she doesn’t need to be escorted by them anywhere. They don’t need to be more “lenient.” They need to cut the apron strings and stop treating her like a child.
 
Psalm30 said:
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MaryEstelle2:
You might ask your mother or father if either one wants to be a ‘ride along’ as your only going to be gone for a day and see if that might make them more lenient.
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No. Not a good idea at all. This would only enable her parents’ controlling behavior. She’s 38 years old, she doesn’t have to answer to them, and she doesn’t need to be escorted by them anywhere. They don’t need to be more “lenient.” They need to cut the apron strings and stop treating her like a child.
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Yes, and to offer to let one of them come along would only be enabling their behavior.
 
13pollitos said:
You are 38 years old. It is your life, your call. Your parents are way out of line here. You do not owe them an explaination or even have an obligation to tell them that you are going anywhere.

I say this as a mom with 4 kids that are much younger than you yet still adults. One is currently living far from home. One is traveling in a foreign country. One is living at home and one is close by, but I can’t tell you what they are doing at any given moment. They are adults now and it is their life to live.

I fear if you don’t move past allowing them to rule your thoughts and actions now, if you ever marry, they will attempt to rule your marriage as well. Please learn to implement boundaries.
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^^^Agreed, 100%
Cecilia_Dympna said:
You are a 38 year old woman. Time to cut the apron strings and make your own decisions.
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Yep.
1ke said:
You are 38 years old. You should have cut the apron strings a LONG time ago. You don’t need their permission or approval to drive 4 hours or for anything else.

You also don’t need to discus this with them. Make your plans and go. They don’t get a say. Period. Get triple A if you are concerned about road safety. You have a cell— if something happens your man can be there in a few hours or AAA in no time.

I’m going to be honest here: you have an unhealthy dynamic with your parents. They have stunted your growth as an independent adult. This is standing between you and your future.
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Yep, 100% again.

I’m 39 and honestly could not fathom my parents having that much…actually, to be honest…, ANY control of my life.
 
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Good grief, my parents used to live an EIGHT hour drive from where I was living at the time! The summer after my third year of nursing school, I went to work for the summer in a community that was about a TEN hour drive away. My parents had no problem with me driving alone. (My sister did accompany me on the first part of my ten-hour drive, but that was because she wanted to visit her boyfriend and I dropped her off along the way.)

I agree that you need to cut the apron strings. Sadly, I have seen cases where people literally got divorced or ended their relationships because one spouse/partner was too married to Mummy and Daddy to be married or in a relationship with their spouse/partner. Now, obviously you’re nowhere near that point, but it sets a dangerous precedent and can be the start of an unhealthy pattern.

You might find counselling to be beneficial in helping to resolve your relationship with your parents. The book “Boundaries” may also be helpful.
 
It’s interesting how often this happens.

We see so many posts here of seriously unhealthy relationships with parents. People who post questions about how what a healthy boundary is or a spouse posting about how to deal with a unhealthy relationship between parents and their significant other

My husband had a problem with boundaries with most of his side of the family…not too bad…but it shocked me that this was a thing. I’m even more taken aback at how common it is.
 
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I guess I see this as elderly parents who are afraid to let go of their youngest child thinking they will need her as they age and become dependent. The poster has let herself be controlled and manipulated to some degree for some reason. When I suggested the parents might become more lenient after a ride-along I was really thinking that they might become more lenient with themselves rather than the poster.
There is a reason for everything and we don’t understand everything.
 
Hi. Yes, I am and have always had a sound mind. I am not a disabled person and I am not behaviorally challenged. I am mentally, emotionally and physically healthy. I have no history of bad behavior including never being an alcoholic and never being a drug user. I have never been in trouble with the law. I have no negative history or scandalous past for my parents to feel the need to be controlling of me.
 
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Ladybug1980 said:
Hi, I live on my own but in the same city as them.
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Then I would have to agree with the others that you don’t have to even let your parents know where you are going or when. If you would feel safer that someone knows, then let a trusted sibling or friend know your plans.

Of course, if you do let your parents in on your plans, then when they try to tell you what you should do, thank them for their concern, tell them you’ll think about it, and then make up your own mind. I know you don’t like that they may be stressed over your decisions but you can’t control other people’s responses or live your life around how other people feel.
 
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I highly suggest you read the book “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud & John Townsend. It really helped me and my wife get a good idea of setting healthy boundaries with my In-laws. Boundaries are necessary for a good relationship with every person in our life. You will experience some pushback from your parents initially, but your relationship will be better in the long run.
 
As an adult, you owe your parents honor, not obedience. I normally don’t give advice, but if I was you I would just go this time and in the future. I would not even inform them ahead of time unless there is some other reason, eg mom calls and asks for help that weekend. When they ask questions about your relationship, tell them. Otherwise, keep it all to yourself. If you happen to marry this man, you will have a huge problem if you do not fix it now.
 
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