Parents role in a situation

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rosejmj

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So I have a friend who is struggling with her parents. She is a young adult/college age living at home and her parents are devout Catholics although she isn’t. She likes to go out, maybe do things or go to events her parents wouldn’t necessarily love. Also in a relationship and occasionally sleeps over at his place. As a young adult it makes sense that she should be left alone and free as long as she isn’t doing anything crazy in her parents home. Is it their business to expect her to tell them what she does outside of the house and try to stop her from going out? Or is that infringing on her freedom and privacy? She seems to think they are trying to impose their morality on her when she just wants to be left alone
 
She’d love to but she’s trying to get through school and working full time to do that
 
I think the parents have probably said something like “When you’re under my roof, you follow my rules”.
If the young adult doesn’t like it, then I guess that’s incentive for her to start saving.
 
She’s not self-sufficient and she’s living under their roof or they’re footing the bill for her life?
 
Well, then it is follow the rules of the people who are supporting you.
 
Well she is trying to be but she is in school and doesn’t want to go into debt and her parents don’t want her to either so she is trying to save money and working to pay for her school but doesn’t have the means to pay for both school and a place to live at the moment
 
Then she’s not a grownup and should follow the rules of the home
 
Then she needs to decide what is more important, school and a place to live or partying and sleeping with her boyfriend.
 
Well she may be more mature then most college students financially. It’s unreasonable to expect someone right out of highschool to support themselves entirely and get through school which her parents expect and won’t help pay for
 
She doesn’t party or whatever every day. Her life is basically focused on working and getting through school and occasionally she tries to get away and spend time with people her age and her parents get upset
 
rosejmj said:
Well she may be more mature then most college students
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Every college student sees themselves as ever so mature.

Maturity isnt about “feeling” or “thinking”, it’s about self-sufficiency.
 
Self sufficiency is great but it doesn’t just happen. Especially with college being expected of a lot of people it takes longer
 
0Scarlett_nidiyilii said:
Then she’s not a grownup and should follow the rules of the home
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Just because someone is still living with their parents doesn’t automatically mean that they’re not grown up. If someone is going to school in some very expensive cities such as New York City or the San Francisco Bay area, even a very small place might cost $2000-3000 per month. People with good jobs would have difficulty with rents like that. So, if the parents live in the area, it makes sense to stay with them.
 
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I agree, but she also needs to live by their rules. She can’t have it both ways.
 
Tell her to join the Military. Then she can be self sufficient, pay for her college, live her way on her own…maybe. Her parents home means she lives by their rules.
 
rosejmj said:
As a young adult it makes sense that she should be left alone and free as long as she isn’t doing anything crazy in her parents home.
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As a young adult living in her parent’s home, it makes sense that she respect house rules, understand that she is NOT free to do as she please, and if she doesn’t like house rules she should look for another place to live.

Parents have every right to establish rules in their own home for anyone who lives there-- child or adult. Usually parents let adult children have more freedom than a younger child, but may still ask an adult child to be home by a certain (reasonable and mutually agreed upon) time, not sleep over at a boyfriend’s house, go to mass, participate in family activities, etc.

So, no you view isn’t reasonable at all.

Growing pains are normal for young adults as they want more freedom and parents have to learn to let go more. It’s a negotiation. But some things aren’t negotiable, and I would venture that boyfriend sleepovers are non-negotiable.
rosejmj said:
Is it their business to expect her to tell them what she does outside of the house and try to stop her from going out?
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Yes, it is. If she wants to live in their home, absolutely. If she wants to pay her own bills, not so much. Although parents will always be concerned about their children and their choices, and parents can be a great source of guidance as a person grows into adulthood. Your friend shouldn’t dismiss guidance out of hand just because they are her parents-- shocking, I know, but parents really do know things.
rosejmj said:
Or is that infringing on her freedom and privacy?
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Nope.
rosejmj said:
She seems to think they are trying to impose their morality on her when she just wants to be left alone
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It’s her parents’ job to raise her in the faith and to set good examples. It is also completely appropriate that they expect those living in their home to adhere to certain standards.

If she doesn’t like her deal, she’s free to leave. Then she can pay her own way and do whatever she wants under her own house rules.
 
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CilladeRoma said:
I agree, but she also needs to live by their rules. She can’t have it both ways.
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Of course, the parents also should respect their adult children enough to let them make their own decisions about certain things. If the parents are too heavy handed in their demands, they will likely alienate their children so that when the children do finally leave home, they won’t have much to do with their parents. I’ve seen this happen with some of my relatives.
 
rosejmj said:
Well she is trying to be but she is in school and doesn’t want to go into debt and her parents don’t want her to either so she is trying to save money and working to pay for her school but doesn’t have the means to pay for both school and a place to live at the moment
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This is what you call – life. She doesn’t have to like it, but she has to respect it. One day, she will be able to move out on her own. If that day’s not here, then she is not autonomous when it comes to all the decisions and rules.
 
If she leaves home and rents a place then she will have house/landlord rules. When she gets a job she has her employer’s rules.

There’s no such thing as literally being able.to do whatever you want.

And the younger/more financially dependent you are, the more right those.who are supporting you have to set boundaries about your behaviour.
 
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