Past abuse - what do I do now?

[SecretaryMonday]

I recently accepted that I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment. I made excuses for it, thinking that all families have difficulties, there was a lot of stress, I have some very good memories, I didn’t go without necessities, I’m too sensitive, everybody loses their temper sometimes, we never made the news, other people suffer much more, nobody ended up hospitalized or dead, I was a difficult child etc. etc. I stopped pretending we were “normal” and now I’m not sure what to do next. I have a lot of fear and sadness that I have been processing gradually for several years, but now I realize that it isn’t just a personality flaw. I still live with my parents; they seem to have mellowed out over the past decade and we very rarely “walk on eggshells” anymore. Also, they seem to be good grandparents to my niece and nephew.

I am planning to leave in the near future. If I am accepted, I will become a Postulant at a Monastery (if not, I’ll move out of the house anyway). It feels like I only have the next few months to do much if anything about the history of abuse. I could always write letters later, but this might be awkward if a Novice Mistress is reading my outgoing mail.

What do people do in these situations? I honestly believe that my parents do not remember, or they at least only remember it in the mildest form. They are trying very hard to be loving. If I told them what happened, would it just cause them unnecessary pain, or perhaps make them believe that I’m lying to them and threatening their reputation? My sister is aware of the abuse (she left home as soon as she legally could to escape) and she can monitor their interaction with her children to help prevent future problems.

Any advice is appreciated.

 

[Della]

You may want to consult a good Catholic counselor about all this. Telling your parents that they were abusive will probably not help the situation. When people are in denial they cannot face the things they did. That’s their problem to work out for themselves. You need to come to terms with what happened for yourself. If nothing happened that would warrant legal action, all you can do about your parents is forgive them and move out when you can. From there it will be up to you how much contact you want to have with them But again, I think you might want to get counseling. Indeed, as a condition for entering a religious order it may be required so you don’t come into the community carrying extra baggage that they would have to deal with. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do. :console:

 

[SecretaryMonday]

But again, I think you might want to get counseling. Indeed, as a condition for entering a religious order it may be required so you don’t come into the community carrying extra baggage that they would have to deal with.

As a last part of the application process I will need to pass a psychological test. We’ll see… I am thinking that, if the results are not favorable, the community will either not accept me, or they might let me in on the condition that I receive counseling.

 

[Aggies08]

Why do you want to write them a letter?

It may be helpful for you to write the letter, and simply burn it, as well.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Please, please, please do not go into a convent while your relationship with your parents is still unstable, even if it is improving. I just married into a family with a member in a convent, and while it can be a really great thing for the whole family, it is extremely difficult, stressful, and emotional for everyone involved. I don’t want to discuss my husband’s family in too much detail on a public forum, but if you have any questions or anything like that about my husband’s experience of having a close relative go into a convent please send me a message.

As for the abuse, I also suffered a lot of emotional abuse growing up. The names I was called daily would not make it past the CAF filter. My stepfather would follow me around the house for hours shouting in my ear about what an ugly, stupid, failure I was and how no one would ever love me. This happened several nights a week. When I left home at 18 I didn’t go back to visit for over a year, and even then I would only go when my stepfather was not home and I spent the nights either at my brother’s house or in a hotel. Like you, since I left the house the situation has gradually mellowed, and my stepfather is the world’s greatest grandpa to my nieces. On one hand I’m thrilled for them that they have a great role model and friend in their lives, but on the other I deal with a lot of feelings of sadness and grief because I could have had that relationship with him when I was a kid if he had just been able to relax and open his heart.

I just got married and that was a hard time for me because of the prominent role that parents take. On one had my stepfather is very contrite about how he treated me growing up, and in the last 2 or 3 years especially he has made every effort to let me know that he really does love me and is proud of me, on the other I still find it very difficult to be around him because of all of the past hurt. I know it’s irrational that as a grown woman with my own home out of state and a wonderful husband who would protect me from anything, I am still afraid of my stepfather when I see him and I still have panic attacks. But I don’t want to punish him forever, so I am working very hard on moving forward. My husband and I did the mother/son and father/daughter dances at the same time at our wedding, and we did it to a fun, fast song. It was a good compromise between honoring him as my stepfather and my mom’s husband and putting myself in a situation that would make me uncomfortable in front of 150 of our closest friends and relatives.

You should forgive. I’m an atheist and if there’s one thing that my stepfather taught me it’s the importance of forgiveness. Being angry and resentful about the years of my life that he made hell was only making my current life hell. I had to forgive him and I had to look for the good that does reside deep down in him. It takes time though, a lot of it. And I went back and forth for so long between feeling better and spiraling back down to the bottom, but I got there. Or, I should say I’m getting there. Forgiveness isn’t a single action, it’s a process. But, just because you forgive does not mean that you open yourself up to future abuse. I still will not be alone with him, my mom, brother, or husband MUST be present when I spend time with him. So far there has not been a problem, but if there was my husband would handle it. Unfortunately, it can be very hard for abuse victims to find their own voice when standing up to their abusers.

Despite being a good grandfather to my brother’s kids, he will never be left alone with mine. This isn’t spiteful, it’s protective. I want him to have a relationship with my kids, teach them to hunt and fish, play ball with them, etc. But I won’t make them vulnerable to the abuse I suffered. Once again, this is not to punish him, but to ensure that the cycle is broken.

I hope this helps and best wishes to you.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

As a last part of the application process I will need to pass a psychological test. We’ll see… I am thinking that, if the results are not favorable, the community will either not accept me, or they might let me in on the condition that I receive counseling.

When my husband’s relative went in she also had a psych evaluation. If the results had not been favorable they wouldn’t have accepted her even under the condition that she got counseling. The point was they had to ensure that she was healthy enough to make such an enormous choice and be able to do so fully committed. Going in and receiving counseling for what happened with your family back home wouldn’t be conducive to becoming a religious sister. You have to be able to concentrate fully on submerging yourself into your new life and preparing the right mindset. You have to study a TON and pray even more.

Another thing to really think about is that as a postulate and then novice there will still be parts of the convent that you won’t have access to that everyone else does. (My husband’s relative even has her sleeping quarters in a different part of the building than the rest of the sisters.) This stage can last years. It isn’t a slight against the new nuns, it’s that prior to final vows you haven’t taken the full vow of enclosure (if that’s what your order requires), so the nuns can’t let you into their areas. If you are still dealing with damage from your family then this sort of exclusion by your new family may hurt you more than you know that it rationally should.

 

[Cariethra]

I know exactly what a childhood like that is like. In my case it wasn’t until years later when my niece started to show signs of emotional trauma after her brother and my nephew died, that everyone in the family realized the truth. For all of those years, everything they had been labeling as typical me and a bit nutty, was me showing signs of heavy emotional abuse. Honestly, I found counseling to only make things worse. Although that could also be because even my counselors contributed to the emotional abuse.

I agree with forgiveness. We can spend our entire lives blaming whether it is ourselves or others. All it does is make us tired and unable to focus on the hear and now. I confronted my dad when I 13 after my parents divorced. He claimed, like in your case, that he didn’t remember or that it happened differently. But he still apologized. He’s shown it every day since. My sister who was another large contributor also apologized when I was 20. She hadn’t known, but I had forgiven her long before that. I never spoke to my sister about the issues, in the end I felt that the best thing was to just let it all go. I figured if I showed through my actions that it didn’t matter any more that she would come around. Sure enough she did.

Don’t worry about the psych eval. They just want to make sure that you are in a clear mind to make a serious commitment.

 

[SecretaryMonday]

If you are still dealing with damage from your family then this sort of exclusion by your new family may hurt you more than you know that it rationally should.

Thanks for sharing your story and advice, BlueEyedLady, and also for the tip about irrational pain. I know that I’m going to experience irrational pain wherever I go in life, secular or religious (as a new convert, the whole process of entering the Church was ridiculously and absurdly painful, even though it was joyful as well), and I’ve tried to explain my emotions to the Sisters, and they have assured me that I seem normal yet I wonder if they really realize that this is more than just an issue of a naturally “Melancholy” temperament. I am going to talk to the Sisters further now that I have been able to label my past as abusive.

You brought up the inadvisability of entering a Monastery in this state. I did cancel on the Sisters once before; I had requested an application but then I said “Nope” and they said that they respected my decision but they thought that I ought to go through with the application anyway. I am very torn; most of the time, the possibility of becoming a nun brings immense joy and excitement and I feel that things will turn out well, but on days like today I think “There is NO way I can make a decision like that right now, I need way too much help.”

 

[SecretaryMonday]

Why do you want to write them a letter?

I don’t want to. I’m just not sure what it is that people do. I want the truth to be uncovered, but that might just be more harm than help.

It may be helpful for you to write the letter, and simply burn it, as well.

That might be cathartic.

 

[SecretaryMonday]

I know exactly what a childhood like that is like.

I’m sorry that your pain was compounded by counseling, and I’m glad that you were able to reconcile with your family on some level.

Don’t worry about the psych eval. They just want to make sure that you are in a clear mind to make a serious commitment.

I’ll have to drink a loooooot of coffee that day.

 

[RoseMary131]

I’m sorry for all your pains.

I suggest finding a good counselor who can help you work through problems of your family of origin, now.

Issues that stem from the family of origin can effect someone for their whole life.

Finding out how to cope with all the different effects is very important. Look for a professional to guide you on this, not depending on doing it alone.

You should begin working this through with a good counselor or other mental health professional before you begin religious life.

You have much more freedom now to have therapy sessions than after entering religious life. Making weekly or monthly visits for therapy or group sessions will be easier than arranging for those visits once living in a monastery.

 

[TK421]

If I were in your shoes I’d apply for the monastery and just be honest with them about some of your issues so that you can see for yourself what they think about it. They’re the ones that have the vocation and they’ll have a good feel for this sort of thing. Remember that the purpose of a psych exam is to see if there are any major problems that might get in the way, not to make sure that a person is 100%, perfectly healthy. That would be counterproductive and make the exam nothing more than a culprit to future pain. I mean, let’s face it, if everybody waited till they were perfectly healthy before doing something, then nobody would ever do anything… and everybody would be cyclically swirling down a bottomless abyss of despair.

 

[SecretaryMonday]

If I were in your shoes I’d apply for the monastery and just be honest with them about some of your issues so that you can see for yourself what they think about it.

That’s what I’m doing.

 

[Truegrit]

I read and re-read your post. I think as a very new Catholic that you should wait a couple more years before making your decision to enter a religious order. You would benefit from counseling now rather than later. Most communities would not consider you so soon after your conversion. I do recommend that you move out and get on your own for awhile and than make your decision to enter religious life. Just my 2 cents…but then what do I know.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I don’t want to. I’m just not sure what it is that people do. I want the truth to be uncovered, but that might just be more harm than help.

That might be cathartic.

Writing a letter might be cathartic for you but I doubt that it would make a difference to others. When people are in denial they will not see your side of the story. It is sad and it is not just, but that is often how it is. I would also love to see justice be done in my family, but it won’t happen. My family is full of enablers and people are in denial. I am angry about it but have to let go. Holding on to anger and hurt leads nowhere. Counselling helped, but prayer and the sacraments have helped even more. I’m sure you will find healing in them as well.

I think that you need to let go and move on. And you are moving on it seems. I wish you all the best with your religious vocation. Don’t be afraid to enter the community. God can heal you and you must trust Him. If this is your vocation, then your healing will take place there. This can include counselling as well.

 

[SecretaryMonday]

I read and re-read your post. I think as a very new Catholic that you should wait a couple more years before making your decision to enter a religious order. You would benefit from counseling now rather than later. Most communities would not consider you so soon after your conversion. I do recommend that you move out and get on your own for awhile and than make your decision to enter religious life. Just my 2 cents…but then what do I know.

I was concerned about this as well, but in my case, I had wanted to be a nun since I was 15, and the community took this as a sign that I might possibly have a vocation. They said they would have been much more hesitant if the desire to enter religious life had suddenly appeared shortly after my conversion. (I was Confirmed almost 2 years ago; I used to have a counter in my signature line, but I accidentally erased it.)

 

[SecretaryMonday]

I think that you need to let go and move on. And you are moving on it seems.

I am trying to, thanks! It is actually very freeing to admit that abuse happened. I used to feel so confused about it, experiencing anger and then blaming myself for being “too sensitive” to cope with what I had assumed were just normal childhood difficulties.

 

[SecretaryMonday]

I’m sorry for all your pains.

I suggest finding a good counselor who can help you work through problems of your family of origin, now.

Issues that stem from the family of origin can effect someone for their whole life.

Finding out how to cope with all the different effects is very important. Look for a professional to guide you on this, not depending on doing it alone.

You should begin working this through with a good counselor or other mental health professional before you begin religious life.

You have much more freedom now to have therapy sessions than after entering religious life. Making weekly or monthly visits for therapy or group sessions will be easier than arranging for those visits once living in a monastery.

Thanks; I did try counseling last year, and it was not a disaster but it wasn’t very good either. I could try again with someone else.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I am trying to, thanks! It is actually very freeing to admit that abuse happened. I used to feel so confused about it, experiencing anger and then blaming myself for being “too sensitive” to cope with what I had assumed were just normal childhood difficulties.

It was the same with me. This is very common. People blame themselves for not being more tough and not handling it better. We are lucky that we can put all this hurt at the foot of the cross and offer the suffering up. Imagine if you had nowhere to turn and was stuck with all this pain. There is a way out and God can make it all better. I don’t believe that wounds heal completely (not in this life at least), because there is always a scar. Sometimes it looks completely faded, and sometimes you can feel the dull pain inside. But the pain doesn’t last. These feelings become less prominent and don’t have the power they once had.

If you have only recently come to these realisations then it could be that your healing will take some time. Take it one day at the time.

How exciting that you want to be a nun I pray that my children have religious vocations too.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

I don’t want to. I’m just not sure what it is that people do. I want the truth to be uncovered, but that might just be more harm than help.

That might be cathartic.

A therapist asked me to write down some of my painful memories as an exercise telling me that writing that kind of thing can be more healing and cathartic than speaking it out loud. I’ve read that same idea again recently. I found it to be true.

I would caution you about ever sending it. You never know who’s hands it will end up in (especially if you are in a monastery and a good reason to burn it) and your parent can read and re-read your accusations over and over and over again. Each time it’s read it may cause pain, confusion, anger as if you were saying it again and again and ultimately may not have the effect that you want. If they aren’t ready to deal with these things and are blind to the pain they caused this probably won’t help them see it from your point of view and may cause them to get defensive.

I tested the waters with this in my own family (with a little thing) and got denial and “I don’t remember that…” Not validation. Not an apology. Nope, just the feeling that I was vulnerable and stupid and second-guessed myself as usual.