Past sins and choosing a spouse

[ltbpoe43]

You have every right to protect yourself and your marriage by using whatever filters you deem necessary to find a suitable spouse. All of these issues speak to trust and that is the foundation of a good marriage. Good luck and God Bless - may you find the right person soon.

I wonder if most people use filters to increase their chances of finding a suitable spouse and increase chances of a long lasting relationship? You know - mr right as opposed to mr right now?

 

[VR70]

I definitely agree that although your list may seem so restrictive to some, it is YOUR life and YOUR marriage and only YOU can know what’s right for YOU.

As someone who carries more than a couple of those sins on her soul, I can only say that if it took that sinning to bring me to this place in my life where I’m at now: fully and totally devoted to the Lord and His Church, then I would do it all again. Some are lucky and find the path a lot easier and with fewer detours. But some of us have had to travel a bumpier road. If it means that I am just not cut out for marriage, so be it, I can accept that.

God bless!

Trish

 

[CCM08]

It’s funny, if guys won’t date women with kids they’re mean. But not in the reverse. As other posters have said, if you’re going to hold a past mistake against some then enjoy being single and get ready for a life time of it. I really can’t imagine how someone could reconcile Christianity with the notion that if someone made a mistake years ago they aren’t worthy of forgivness. Personally, I can see why no one would want to date someone with an attitude like that.

 

[CCM08]

Part of the reason is not necessarily the sin, but the fact that, imo, having a child would be an added stress to marriage, which is already stressful.

I think you have wrapped view of marriage.

I would like to marry someone who I could trust to be completly loyal to my children, and place their needs as among his highest priority. If a man has a child with another woman, that creates a bit of a conflict.

So he’s responible to your selfish desires? Having more than one child doesn’t mean you can’t love and be loyal to them all.

A man with a child out of wedlock is required to pay child support, which is very expensive.

Wisconsin has the highest rate of child support in the country, it’s 14 percent of income. That’s not very expensive.

I’d be afraid that every time we’d have a period of financial hardship, I’d look at the bill for the child support and think, “If only he had controlled himself before, we wouldn’t be suffering like this!”

That’s your choice, though I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a candid admssion that money, not love, is what’s important in a marriage. What ever happened to rejoicing in suffering?

I’d find it harder to trust him every time he left the house for a buisness trip, since he’s already proven that he could cheat on me.

What on earth would having a child from a pervious relationship have to do with adultery?

I’d be afraid of not only having to start out a marriage as a wife, but as a step-mother, if the child lived in the area. Being a step-mother is a very hard job, one that I don’t think I could handle. I’m afraid I would not be able to forgive my husband, if I’m constantly surrounded by evidence of his past transgressions (child support bills, pictures of the child, phone calls from the mother to arrange child visitation, etc.) And worst of all, I’m terrified that I would begin to hate that child, since he is an ever present reminder of my husband’s past.
Leo Tolstoy, before he was married, gave his wife his diary to read. In his diary, he had outlined all of his previous sexual escapades. He wanted to start out his marriage completly forgiven, with nothing hidden, and a clean slate. She was never able to forgive him, especially for one affair he had with a peasant woman who lived on their estate, who had his child. She remained jealous of that woman for the rest of her life, and her marriage was filled with bitterness. She ultimatly grew to hate her husband.
If I don’t want to marry a man with a child out of wedlock, it’s because I realize that I could easilly beome Mrs. Tolstoy.

Out of curiosity, how many men would be willing to marry a woman with a child out of wedlock?

I’d certainly would never have ruled anyone out for a past mistake. I’m sorry, but you sound really petty. You’ll figure out just how petty when someone dismisses you out of hand for something as trival.

 

[CCM08]

As someone who carries more than a couple of those sins on her soul, I can only say that if it took that sinning to bring me to this place in my life where I’m at now: fully and totally devoted to the Lord and His Church, then I would do it all again. Some are lucky and find the path a lot easier and with fewer detours. But some of us have had to travel a bumpier road. If it means that I am just not cut out for marriage, so be it, I can accept that.

God bless!

Trish

You’re cut out for marriage. If I were a book keeper I’d offer 20-1 odds you tie the knot before the OP by a country mile.

 

[bear06]

When we marry, we have to expect a certain level of imperfections and a certain amount of history. However, at what point does a person’s past transgressions mean that they should no longer be considered as a possible spouse?

A few weeks ago, I posted on the forums saying that I would not marry a man who had fathered a child out of wedlock, no matter how good a person he became afterwards. To me, this is a non-negotiable. A few other non-negotiables are
1 Having spent time in jail or being convicted of a felony.
2 Having a previous marriage and divorce.
3 Coercing a former girlfriend to have an abortion.
4 A history of violent behavior.

To me, the presence of any of these things would cause me to immediatly break off the relationship and look for someone else. To me, even if the person repented of these sins and became a wonderful Catholic, the weight of these offenses would simply be overwhelming to a marriage. Jacob Marley said, “I wear the chain I made in life, I forged it link by link and yard by yard.” Even if a person repents of these sins, the stress that these offenses would put on a marriage would simply be too much to bear.

So, what do people think? Does anyone else have a point where a person’s past transgressions make them an unsuitable marriage partner, regardless of their current state of holiness?

I think someone is only responsible to share their past sins if they will effect the future spouse during their marriage (having a child, resulting health issues, etc.). As for anything else, it’s none of your, mine or anyone else’s business. We are not the judge of people’s past sins. That would be God. If it is revealed and you can’t live with it then don’t.

 

[johntkd]

When we marry, we have to expect a certain level of imperfections and a certain amount of history. However, at what point does a person’s past transgressions mean that they should no longer be considered as a possible spouse?

A few weeks ago, I posted on the forums saying that I would not marry a man who had fathered a child out of wedlock, no matter how good a person he became afterwards. To me, this is a non-negotiable. A few other non-negotiables are
1 Having spent time in jail or being convicted of a felony.
2 Having a previous marriage and divorce.
3 Coercing a former girlfriend to have an abortion.
4 A history of violent behavior.

To me, the presence of any of these things would cause me to immediatly break off the relationship and look for someone else. To me, even if the person repented of these sins and became a wonderful Catholic, the weight of these offenses would simply be overwhelming to a marriage. Jacob Marley said, “I wear the chain I made in life, I forged it link by link and yard by yard.” Even if a person repents of these sins, the stress that these offenses would put on a marriage would simply be too much to bear.

So, what do people think? Does anyone else have a point where a person’s past transgressions make them an unsuitable marriage partner, regardless of their current state of holiness?

Instead of looking for reasons and asking for more reasons to not get married why dont you marry for the real reason LOVE. anything else would be a joke…
and felony or no felony Love is Blind…

 

[Chovy]

I think its fine to have a list. I’m a list maker, and I had a list before meeting the man who became my husband. My list had some things like what you’ve posted here and other things you didn’t post.

I met the “perfect” man, and dumped him to date another, who fit none of my criteria, yet in him, I saw something I didn’t see in the other, which was maturity. His maturity didn’t come from age but from making errors and making changes in his life because of them. I married him. He has far more compassion than I, because of his past life, and I envy him for it. (Does that now make me a double sinner for envy and for lack of compassion? Ah, I digress…)

So, I’d say, feel free to have a list, but realize that there is no cliche’ so true as the one that says “Man plans and God laughs.”

 

[Jay2]

1 Having spent time in jail or being convicted of a felony.
2 Having a previous marriage and divorce.
3 Coercing a former girlfriend to have an abortion.
4 A history of violent behavior.

Well…
#1 - In my 15523 & counting days on this rock, 10, and 4 have been spent in the “Service of the State”.
#2 - passed, only the current one.
#3 - accompanied a close friend while having one… she had no-one else to turn to.
#4 - Re-read #1 for the results. Circumstances withheld, but were for reasons that would garner “atta-boys” from husbands or men.

My wife of nearly 20 years knows about all of these things. She accompanied my as my fiance’ to the friend in #3’s wedding. They talked for an hour! She was involved in the cause for #1 & #4.

Do you wonder if the men you date have the same “non-negotiable” qualification rules?

 

[chevalier]

A few weeks ago, I posted on the forums saying that I would not marry a man who had fathered a child out of wedlock, no matter how good a person he became afterwards.

Can you explain to me how fathering a child is a worse sin than “merely” having premarital sex? Does the sin consist in not using enough “protection”?

I have my own list, but I’m not the judge of someone’s sins. And neither is any of us here. You may like or not someone’s past, you may consider certain things good indicators that you shouldn’t marry him or her, but his or her sins are not for you to judge.

 

[puzzleannie]

When we marry, we have to expect a certain level of imperfections and a certain amount of history. However, at what point does a person’s past transgressions mean that they should no longer be considered as a possible spouse?
?

any pattern of behavior that indicates immaturity and instability, personality disorder that seems to persist, where there is no evidence that the problem has been overcome. The examples you give could be such evidence.

 

[maryjk]

I’d find it harder to trust him every time he left the house for a business trip, since he’s already proven that he could cheat on me.

I generally don’t agree with your list, but I have real problems with this one.

How does having a child with another woman mean that he would cheat on you?

Maybe he was married for 15 years, had a child in the first year of marriage, divorced, received an annulment, but was faithful to his then wife the whole time? But since he has a child and is now divorced, he is more likely to cheat?

 

[Maria1212]

There is nothing wrong with having your “red lines” when discerning marriage. After my last breakup, with a non-Catholic Christian, I only want to date someone willing to be married in the Catholic Church, who is committed to living by Church teachings, and raising the kids Catholic.

A lot of my Protestant friends told me I am “closed minded” for thinking this way because Protestants are Christians too and we aren`t “that different.” I do try to keep an open mind, and who knows what God has in store for me, but I hope he will send me a practicing Catholic.

For me, what matters more than the past, is who he is now. There is nothing wrong with having preferences, but definitely try to keep a healthy open mind.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[Convert_in_99]

I remember having a “mental list.” I was SOOO picky. I remember on the top of the “mental list” being “HAS to be a catholic.”

This is probably what God thought of that…


Cause had I stuck to my “list.” I wouldn’t be the happily married woman I am today…to my devout protestant Christian husband. Suprisingly, however, my husband met every other item on my “mental list,” and a lot more items I had never even thought of.

All I am saying is…keep an open heart. You’ll know if you can deviate a little from your “list.” I did, and I am SOOO happy I did.

 

[KCT]

It’s funny, if guys won’t date women with kids they’re mean. But not in the reverse. I really can’t imagine how someone could reconcile Christianity with the notion that if someone made a mistake years ago they aren’t worthy of forgivness.

Forgiving someone and wanting to spend the rest of ones life w/ someone are not the same. —KCT