Pastor and DRE refusing FHC to homeschooled child

[Eponine1]

Our pastor and DRE have told us that because we have homeschooled our son for his Sacraments, he may not receive his First Communion with the rest of the class in our parish. Oddly enough, they did “authorize” him to attend both the First Reconciliation and First Communion retreats and participate in the First Reconciliation service with all the other children in the parish religious ed program, so he can do 3/4 of the events. (This pastor/DRE have refused to enable a homeschooled teen to be confirmed this year as well)

We have followed the Archdiocesan policies regarding religious education in the home, notified the DRE of our intentions, met twice with our pastor, communicated with the Office of Faith Formation to glean advice, offered to make our son available to the pastor for an assessment of his knowledge, and provided to our DRE/pastor a list of materials we are using with our child, including those on the Archdiocesan-approved list.

This decision doesn’t appear to be in keeping with the policies of our Archdiocese which state, “Parish sacramental programs need to make provisions for including the parents who home school in the planning of the sacraments. Children who are home schooled also need to be included in the actual celebration” and “The resurgence of home schooling calls forth-new approaches from those in catechetical leadership. In recognition of this vital and vibrant area of education, it is important that parents and their children feel invited, welcomed, wanted, and included in all pastoral and sacramental activities and ministries of the parish.”

Meanwhile, the DRE posts bulletin announcements and photos of first communicants but will not include the name of our child, because he doesn’t attend the weekly RE classes (which are chaotic to say the least). Our child probably doesn’t notice these things, but as a mother, I find them hurtful.

We have been respectful throughout this process, but due to the disregard for us as our child’s primary educators, lack of pertinent communication, a clear bias against homeschoolers, and the absence of inclusivity that has led us to find a priest elsewhere, willing and eager to administer the Sacrament of the Eucharist to our son. When we travel to the midwest in two weeks, a priest there has cheerfully and eagerly agreed to confer this Sacrament on our child. What a blessing, and yet, sadness too, that our home parish is not more receptive or informed about homeschooling for religious education.

Not sure that I have a question, although I am writing to our Archbishop about this, but if anyone has insight or advice, I’d welcome it!

 

[EasterJoy]

I would contact the person or persons you already know at the Office of Faith Formation. They are likely to be able to tell you what sort of things your letter does or does not need to have and may even be able to get you into a meeting with whoever the archbishop would have contact the pastor about this matter. At any rate, their willingness to help you indicates that they’ll likely to be your best source of advice going forward. They may even only need to make a phone call to clear all of this up.

As for your child, the best thing for you to do is to treat this as a mistake or as a bureaucratic mix-up, making the least of it as possible and assigning no ill motives to the staff at the parish. We had something happen surrounding our children at their First Holy Communion that had me extremely upset at the time, but our children don’t even remember the first thing about it. That is the best case until they are very much older and you can tell the story and whatever lessons you might use it to teach with the salve of time applied.

 

[Allegra]

The parish I grew up in was the same way about homeschoolers and public school kids. Kids who didn’t attend the day school were not allowed or invited to attend any of the parish events or retreats for kid receiving the sacraments and the day school parents insisted that they have a separate FHC Mass. They complained openly that the archbishop wouldn’t come twice to do a separate Confirmation Mass for their kids. They though Confirmation was some sort of special graduation party for their kids and couldn’t see why they should have to share the event with “strangers”.

 

[anon67074017]

Why would the Church favor public schools?

 

[Eponine1]

Thank you.

We are rural, so there are no options for changing parishes, not that we would do that anyhow…want to work together to help educate, inform, and pray for change.

I am grateful for your prayers.

 

[Eponine1]

Something else might be going on you mentioned that confession went fine but something is wrong here with First Holy Communion? That seems odd to me that one would be fine and the other not, I would make a call before heading off to another parish maybe? Sorry you are going through this.

Just before the First Reconciliation service in February, the DRE told us that our son could participate in it and attend the First Communion retreat, but he would not be allowed to make his First Communion the same time as the other children in the parish program. (We had found out about the First Reconciliation retreat from another family, so we brought our child there, after which we were told no to FHC with the group). So, child got the okay for 3 of the 4 events. Odd indeed.

Also we are rural, so there are no options for changing parishes, not that we would do that anyhow…we want to work with our parish to help educate, inform, and pray for change.

I am grateful for your prayers.

 

[jmjZelie]

I am sorry that you are being excluded from the FHC Mass.

But also I am thankful you have a helpful priest who will give your son his First Holy Communion when you visit his parish.

Your predicament is precisely what I feared would happen for my son this year if I attempted to homeschool only. So in order to avoid any such problem, I went the opposite direction as a mother. I continued the homeschool religion curriculum and catechism practice, and even got feedback from the DRE that it is a superior program to what they get to use. And then I enrolled my children in the weekly RE classes and volunteered as an assistant catechist for my son’s class. It was “chaotic” as you describe your parish’s program to be, as well. But we have made friends and met some of the families who will be at the FHC Mass (one of five at our parish this spring!). And we now have a reputation with the parish of being good sports and ready volunteers.

I know it is too late for you to try this method this year, but if you have younger children, maybe keep in mind this strategy as a way to head off any problems. If it won’t work for you, then disregard my advice.

FWIW, I know it is hard sometimes for parents to let a stranger teach their children the Faith. In this year alone, I have come home about 6 times flabbergasted at what was taught in the class in which I volunteer. Sometimes, if I see an opportunity to correct an error, I will do so as cheerfully and kindly as possible. Other times, I paste a smile on my face and let it go. (For example, I let go the error that holy orders is for priests AND nuns, but I correct a misunderstanding about mortal sin vs. venial sin.) But having access to the sacraments for my children made me willing to jump through any hoop necessary, and I do not regret it.

I hope that whatever you decide going forward with your family, you have a sense of peace about it. And I hope that your son has much joy at his First Holy Communion, despite being excluded from the FHC Mass this spring. Once he receives the sacrament, the priest at your parish can no longer deny him.

 

[Allegra]

Why would the Church favor public schools?

Why should she favor anyone?

 

[mommy_k]

I am sorry you are going through this-

Here are some reasons this may be happening-i don’t agree but it’s fair to look at both sides:

Perhaps in your parish there are some families that would fly with this in the future and state that they homeschool their children ionly for religion… And there goes the program.

Perhaps they are thinking that a homeschool family woud not expect their child’s photo to be in the local schools yearbook even if they were in the same grade, becuase they were not part of the official class.

Perhaps they are thinking a homeschool family would not expect their child to participate in a graduation ceremony at the local school either, as they were not part of the official class.

Perhaps they feel that the Sacrament itself is the celebration. (Which it is… really)
Feeling ‘unwelcome’ is a subjective thing, and the provision may be a seperate celebration.

Also regarding confirmation: every year, in every parish there is 1 or a few children that are from different educational backgrounds-public school, catholic school and home schooled that are not ready. It is not uncommon.

Again, just throwing this out there so there may be some undertanding on why this happened, and the answers you may or may not expect from the diocese.

 

[CB_Catholic]

You say that the Pastor and DRE say he can not receive the Sacraments with the rest of the class–does that mean he can receive them at another time by himself? Or can he not receive them at all?

Your experience, though, may be a reminder to other parents to check this all out first before homeschooling in religious ed so that there are no surprises at the end.

Once in a while in our parish we have a child receive their First Communion outside of the regular class at a Sunday Liturgy, that is why I asked the question.

Be sure you get the proper documents from the parish where he receives his First communion so they can be noted in your parish and there are no questions about him receiving communion at his regular parish afterwards. Keep a record for yourself also.

 

[pianistclare]

As a DRE we are bound by the rules of the Archbishop.
There are 3 ways in our particular Archdiocese in which a child may receive the Sacraments:

1. They may be enrolled in a Catholic school (for at least 2 consecutive years) and receive daily training in the faith as part of the regular curriculum
2. They may be enrolled in the Parish School of Religion for 2 consecutive years
3. they may be homeschooled, with the acknowledgement of the Priest (who sometimes delegates that to the DRE) with an approved Curriculum from the USCCB.

In all scenarios, the children MUST attend the extra, Sacramental Prep classes fro Reconciliation, First Eucharist, or Confirmation, whichever apply.

Exceptions are made for children with major disabilities and those who may be undergoing chemotherapy or something like that, which a Pastor discerns after discussion with the parents.

Sacramental prep happens within the parish, with the peers of the child.
We receive Sacraments ***“in community”, ***not alone at home.

I suspect there is a great deal MORE to this story.
The pictures could be done by a volunteer. They may now have known there were “others”. This happens a lot. It took me years to get through to the catechists that they could NOT make treat bags or bring gifts for the class if the excluded the Catholic school students.
The roster I give them fro attendance included EVERY child slated to receive, whether or not the are required to come to class or not. That way there is NO CONFUSION about who is who.

**I guarantee, there’s more to the story. **
The Church is not in the practice of refusing Sacraments.

 

[Eponine1]

As a DRE we are bound by the rules of the Archbishop.
There are 3 ways in our particular Archdiocese in which a child may receive the Sacraments:

1. They may be enrolled in a Catholic school (for at least 2 consecutive years) and receive daily training in the faith as part of the regular curriculum
2. They may be enrolled in the Parish School of Religion for 2 consecutive years
3. they may be homeschooled, with the acknowledgement of the Priest (who sometimes delegates that to the DRE) with an approved Curriculum from the USCCB.

In all scenarios, the children MUST attend the extra, Sacramental Prep classes fro Reconciliation, First Eucharist, or Confirmation, whichever apply.

Exceptions are made for children with major disabilities and those who may be undergoing chemotherapy or something like that, which a Pastor discerns after discussion with the parents.

Sacramental prep happens within the parish, with the peers of the child.
We receive Sacraments ***“in community”, ***not alone at home.

I suspect there is a great deal MORE to this story.
The pictures could be done by a volunteer. They may now have known there were “others”. This happens a lot. It took me years to get through to the catechists that they could NOT make treat bags or bring gifts for the class if the excluded the Catholic school students.
The roster I give them fro attendance included EVERY child slated to receive, whether or not the are required to come to class or not. That way there is NO CONFUSION about who is who.

**I guarantee, there’s more to the story. **
The Church is not in the practice of refusing Sacraments.

I agree wth your last sentence and am aware and grateful that is the case.

I’m happy to clarify what I can from our side as to “the rest of the story.” If you have questions, I’ll answer to the best of my ability.

In our Archdiocese, there is an entire policy for homeschooling for sacramental prep and religious education…which we have followed.

Of course children receive their sacraments in community, however, the preparation for those same sacraments does not have to be in community…

Canon Law is quite explicit on parents being the primary educators and that we are to work with our local pastor to help him assure a child is well prepared for any Sacraments. The goal and desire is to work collaboratively, not contentiously.

I appreciate your reply.

 

[Eponine1]

You say that the Pastor and DRE say he can not receive the Sacraments with the rest of the class–does that mean he can receive them at another time by himself? Or can he not receive them at all?

Your experience, though, may be a reminder to other parents to check this all out first before homeschooling in religious ed so that there are no surprises at the end.

Once in a while in our parish we have a child receive their First Communion outside of the regular class at a Sunday Liturgy, that is why I asked the question.

Be sure you get the proper documents from the parish where he receives his First communion so they can be noted in your parish and there are no questions about him receiving communion at his regular parish afterwards. Keep a record for yourself also.

We were told two months ago that he could attend both retreats (Reconciliation and First Communion) and participate in the group Reconciliation Service, but that he would not be permitted to make his First Communion with the class.

This being our seventh child, we have read our Archdiocesan policies on Faith Formation in the Home often over the last several years, and followed the steps therein. This is a new pastor and new DRE.

Thanks for your response.

 

[Eponine1]

I am sorry you are going through this-

Here are some reasons this may be happening-i don’t agree but it’s fair to look at both sides:

Perhaps in your parish there are some families that would fly with this in the future and state that they homeschool their children ionly for religion… And there goes the program.

Perhaps they are thinking that a homeschool family woud not expect their child’s photo to be in the local schools yearbook even if they were in the same grade, becuase they were not part of the official class.

Perhaps they are thinking a homeschool family would not expect their child to participate in a graduation ceremony at the local school either, as they were not part of the official class.

Perhaps they feel that the Sacrament itself is the celebration. (Which it is… really)
Feeling ‘unwelcome’ is a subjective thing, and the provision may be a seperate celebration.

Also regarding confirmation: every year, in every parish there is 1 or a few children that are from different educational backgrounds-public school, catholic school and home schooled that are not ready. It is not uncommon.

Again, just throwing this out there so there may be some undertanding on why this happened, and the answers you may or may not expect from the diocese.

It’s always good to look at both sides, thanks. The DRE has been explicit in reminding us that our son is not part of the group and as such, no photo of him is included.

(As an aside, the young woman refused confirmation was refused because she was homeschooled for the Sacrament, not do to lack of preparation - in other words, she wasn’t in the Confirmation class. She’s been preparing using he Didache books X two years and has also gone through our rigorous parish RCIA program as she and her family sponsored another family entering the Church this last Easter. Disclosure: I am her sponsor. She and her family are traveling to Michigan for HR reception of the Sacrament in two months)

 

[tee_eff_em]

I have no horse in this race, but I am curious:

As a DRE we are bound by the rules of the Archbishop.
There are 3 ways in our particular Archdiocese in which a child may receive the Sacraments:

1. They may be enrolled in a Catholic school (for at least 2 consecutive years) and receive daily training in the faith as part of the regular curriculum
2. They may be enrolled in the Parish School of Religion for 2 consecutive years
3. they may be homeschooled, with the acknowledgement of the Priest (who sometimes delegates that to the DRE) with an approved Curriculum from the USCCB.

In all scenarios, the children MUST attend the extra, Sacramental Prep classes fro Reconciliation, First Eucharist, or Confirmation, whichever apply.

How many *extra, Sacramental Prep classes *are there, and are they offered separately from in-school and PSR instruction?

tee

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s always good to look at both sides, thanks. The DRE has been explicit in reminding us that our son is not part of the group and as such, no photo of him is included.

(As an aside, the young woman refused confirmation was refused because she was homeschooled for the Sacrament, not do to lack of preparation - in other words, she wasn’t in the Confirmation class. She’s been preparing using he Didache books X two years and has also gone through our rigorous parish RCIA program as she and her family sponsored another family entering the Church this last Easter. Disclosure: I am her sponsor. She and her family are traveling to Michigan for HR reception of the Sacrament in two months)

This dog-in-a-manger possessiveness of or will to have personal dominion over public celebrations of the sacraments of initiation is troubling, to say the very least. The direct personal responsibility over seeing that parishioners are disposed to receive the sacraments lies with the pastor, and with no one else. Why on earth would he ever allow someone he deemed to be properly disposed to receive the sacraments to be singled out for exclusion from others who are properly disposed at exactly the same time? What is the excuse for this discrimination?

Honestly, I would ask the pastor to explain what defense there is for this insistence on excluding home-schooled children of the parish from the group celebrations of the sacraments. Does the DRE think that when she helps parents to prepare their children for the sacraments that those children of the parish become “hers,” whereas parents who do not enlist her for so much help in fulfilling their responsibility must be treated as “outsiders” in their own parish?

I do not see any defense for this, except that she is defending some imagined “status” for her program or fears that what she has to offer does not have enough value to attract families not forced to go through her program.

Now that your child is through this, it is time to go to bat for a protocol that more clearly recognizes the value of unity over the value of validating the self-image of a parish program that ought to be at the service of the pastor and the parents in the parish, not their master.

 

[pianistclare]

I have no horse in this race, but I am curious:

How many *extra, Sacramental Prep classes *are there, and are they offered separately from in-school and PSR instruction?

tee

6 for Reconciliation, and 12 for First Communion. Mostly because they occur in the evenings, and I try not to keep the children out late on school nights. We could make the sessions longer to save dates, but they really need to get home, fed, homework, and baths.
YES those classes are separate. That’s the whole point. The regular second grade curriculum does not focus on these 2 Sacraments, The supplementary classes do. The Reconciliation is in the Fall, immediately before First Reconciliation, and the FHC classes are in the Spring, Our guidelines for Faith Formation in this Archdiocese says they must be separate dedicated classes, and completed immediately prior to reception of the Sacrament.

 

[AnnArbor]

I have no horse in this race, but I am curious:

How many *extra, Sacramental Prep classes *are there, and are they offered separately from in-school and PSR instruction?

tee

In my past experience as a DRE, sacramental prep was a separate program – whether you had a child in the parish school, the parish religious ed program or were homeschooling – that child was to be enrolled in the parish’s sacramental prep program. This was the way the pastor had elected to fulfill his responsibility to ensure children were prepared to receive the sacraments.

I guess I’m not understanding the OP’s concern – is the pastor or DRE denying the sacrament? That would indeed be problematic. There should be a time for the child to receive Communion and he should be seated in the front pew, prayed for at Mass, etc.

However, if they are just saying that a certain date is when the class of children who have been preparing are receiving together, that shouldn’t be a problem. I’m not sure why you’d want to exclude your child from the class but expect to include them in the ceremony?

 

[pensmama87]

In my past experience as a DRE, sacramental prep was a separate program – whether you had a child in the parish school, the parish religious ed program or were homeschooling – that child was to be enrolled in the parish’s sacramental prep program. This was the way the pastor had elected to fulfill his responsibility to ensure children were prepared to receive the sacraments.

I guess I’m not understanding the OP’s concern – is the pastor or DRE denying the sacrament? That would indeed be problematic. There should be a time for the child to receive Communion and he should be seated in the front pew, prayed for at Mass, etc.

However, if they are just saying that a certain date is when the class of children who have been preparing are receiving together, that shouldn’t be a problem. I’m not sure why you’d want to exclude your child from the class but expect to include them in the ceremony?

At our parish, all the children in the parish receive together (due to size spread out over three weekends, but First Communicants are not separated by parish school or CCD or homeschool. Every year a few parents (typically from the parish school) complain that their kids have to have their First Communion with kids not from their class, but our pastor (rightly, I think) notes that regardless of method of preparation, all the children are parishioners together, and this is a parish celebration.

 

[tee_eff_em]

6 for Reconciliation, and 12 for First Communion. Mostly because they occur in the evenings, and I try not to keep the children out late on school nights. We could make the sessions longer to save dates, but they really need to get home, fed, homework, and baths.
YES those classes are separate. That’s the whole point. The regular second grade curriculum does not focus on these 2 Sacraments, The supplementary classes do. The Reconciliation is in the Fall, immediately before First Reconciliation, and the FHC classes are in the Spring, Our guidelines for Faith Formation in this Archdiocese says they must be separate dedicated classes, and completed immediately prior to reception of the Sacrament.

Thanks. I am unfamiliar with such classes being separated from other religious instruction (Dinosaur that I am). That was the whole point of my question.

tee