Paying for a wedding, rescinded promises

[TheRealJuliane]

thanks

FH had a few choice words for what he thinks is going on - namely, that his parents overspent themselves, and rather than just tell us “We can’t afford as much as we thought”, they want us to use our down payment to cover the wedding. He noted to me that his mothers announcement came the day after he talked with his father about buying a house, and had mentioned how much we had set aside for a down payment (more than our wedding budget!) and now his mother is acting as though that money is just “lying around”.

Uh huh. That makes sense. His parents are poor money managers and made promises they can’t keep, with conditions you didn’t know about. Never, EVER get into any financial agreements with these people again. The way it sounds, they may well end up in dire financial straits and expect your husband to rescue THEM. Bad, bad idea.

How are his boundaries with his parents, especially his mother? From what you said earlier, it sounded as if he might not be very close with them? I hope he’s able to sort out what are THEIR problems and what are his.

 

[Xantippe]

By the way, I have a cousin getting married in June, and the last thing I want is for her parents to spend their last dime on the wedding.

I was just talking to my cousin’s mom about the wedding. The groom and his brother (I think) are going to wear kilts (they’re Scottish), they’re going to have a bagpiper, and there’s going to be Celtic dancing. It sounds like it’s going to be a blast, and none of those things are going to break the bank.

Again, save your house money for the house, but don’t be in a hurry to buy the house, either. It’s probably the biggest financial decision you’ll ever make, and it’s easy to get it wrong. I would even suggest renting a home in the neighborhood you have in mind, to get an idea of what it’s like. My husband and I have learned a lot from renting a house, figuring out some things on our own, but also being able to call the landlord for any major issues.

You guys sound like you have your heads screwed on right–I think you’re going to do fine.

 

[cheezey]

I have a little experience in something similar that fact prompts me to ask if perhaps there is more to this story than you have been comfortable including that might change the opinions of those who poste here.

If everything you wrote tells the entire story I wonder that you didn’t cut all the guests that are not those you would invite on your own.

How well do you know his parents? It seems to me that if your future in-laws going back on their word blind sided you, you probably don’t know them very well. Which makes me think that you may not know your FH well either because this is probably not the first time that they have pulled something like this. If your FH was raised to not be able to trust those who raised him, he may have some big issue with trust altogether.

Another thought. Did you and/or your future hubby ask them to help with the wedding without letting them know that you have a bit of money saved and did they just discover that little thing? Did they perhaps learn this from a third person?

BTW if your story is complete, you will not be able to trust them in anything.
Annie

Maybe, but my M & FIL didn’t blind side us til we told them about the divorce.
Ya never know when someone will do this…
My wedding plans did a 180 just ten days before, because of the other ILs. They weren’t invited and they came anyway. Every single plan, right down to location, changed. So much so that I just didn’t bother to pick up the bouquet; I picked from a garden instead.

I am so sorry this has happened. It is little consolation, and certainly a shame that this botched the ‘dream’ wedding. Please keep im mind, you are marrying the one you love. Let that be your focus. Your blessing.
You could do what I did.
Marry one day.
Party another day…

 

[mandajane]

Uh huh. That makes sense. His parents are poor money managers and made promises they can’t keep, with conditions you didn’t know about. Never, EVER get into any financial agreements with these people again. The way it sounds, they may well end up in dire financial straits and expect your husband to rescue THEM. Bad, bad idea.

How are his boundaries with his parents, especially his mother? From what you said earlier, it sounded as if he might not be very close with them? I hope he’s able to sort out what are THEIR problems and what are his.

He was very close with them, until about 6 months after we started dating. When we were just friends, he was often helping out with stuff, not financially, but just management wise. Whenever his mom threw a party, she’d give him money and expect him to make it happen. Whenever his siblings needed money, they’d come to him for a loan. He’s always been the best out of all of his siblings when it comes to financial planning, and they often come to him for advice. However, when we started dating, he stopped loaning as much money out (he was spending money on dates, or on vacations, and when you’re getting two seperate hotel rooms so no one is tempted it gets PRICEY), and they started having fits about it, things got pretty bad for a while there, until I talked him into going to see a counselor about all the guilt his family was giving him. The counselor told him point blank that he was not responsible for his family, and just because he was adopted didn’t mean he owed them every dime he ever made.

Side Note: FMIL had 7 miscarriages, adopted FH, then proceeded to have 7 healthy kids. She always referred to FH as her miracle baby, but as he got older, she’d use the whole “you were adopted” thing as a switch. Whenever he does something wrong (even now!) she goes on and on about “How am I gonna explain this to your mother when I meet her in heaven?!” It’s given him some issues, that he’s still in counseling for.

 

[nodito]

thanks

FH had a few choice words for what he thinks is going on - namely, that his parents overspent themselves, and rather than just tell us “We can’t afford as much as we thought”, they want us to use our down payment to cover the wedding. He noted to me that his mothers announcement came the day after he talked with his father about buying a house, and had mentioned how much we had set aside for a down payment (more than our wedding budget!) and now his mother is acting as though that money is just “lying around”.

Ugh, that disgusts me. It’s absolutely up to you and FH how to spend your money. You had decided (and it was a good decision, in my opinion) to save for a house and have a small wedding. If that doesn’t jive with FMIL, then she should foot the bill for the difference. How dare she suggest that you use your down payment money to throw her friends a party.

 

[EasterJoy]

“How am I gonna explain this to your mother when I meet her in heaven?!”

Yes, she’s going to have a lot of explaining to do when she meets her son’s mother in Heaven, indeed, if she’s been using that line to manipulate him to do as she wants him to do and to bilk him out of his savings. She had better hope that Mercy spares her that conversation.

Oh, well, we all have post-death “conversations” that we might well hope to be spared. This is not about making your FMIL into a demon, but to give her son permission to put his foot down. Support him in that. If he had not met you, who knows how long this would have gone on!

 

[Evania]

Side Note: FMIL had 7 miscarriages, adopted FH, then proceeded to have 7 healthy kids. She always referred to FH as her miracle baby, but as he got older, she’d use the whole “you were adopted” thing as a switch. Whenever he does something wrong (even now!) she goes on and on about “How am I gonna explain this to your mother when I meet her in heaven?!” It’s given him some issues, that he’s still in counseling for.

That hurts my heart to know someone would say that. ^^^

I think this is behavior from her that you need to keep an eye out for in your marriage…She seems very passive-aggressive. The best thing for you to do is simply be there for him. Although it might feel tempting to intervene when you witness things like this, it would only make things worse.

 

[cheezey]

Side Note: FMIL had 7 miscarriages, adopted FH, then proceeded to have 7 healthy kids. She always referred to FH as her miracle baby, but as he got older, she’d use the whole “you were adopted” thing as a switch. Whenever he does something wrong (even now!) she goes on and on about “How am I gonna explain this to your mother when I meet her in heaven?!” It’s given him some issues, that he’s still in counseling for.

That hurts my heart to know someone would say that. ^^^

I think this is behavior from her that you need to keep an eye out for in your marriage…She seems very passive-aggressive. The best thing for you to do is simply be there for him. Although it might feel tempting to intervene when you witness things like this, it would only make things worse.

And when you do buy a house, make sure it is just far enough away for a long drive but not so far that ILs would need to fly in and stay for an extended period of time…
I am sorry, but this bodes well for keeping them at bit of a distance, to keep them out of your daily life. Just an idea; you, of course know more, so go with what your heart tells you on the matter. (It worked well for me! A few hours’ drive to see them and then leave…)
My prayers are with you and your FH…

 

[Joe_5859]

thanks

FH had a few choice words for what he thinks is going on - namely, that his parents overspent themselves, and rather than just tell us “We can’t afford as much as we thought”, they want us to use our down payment to cover the wedding. He noted to me that his mothers announcement came the day after he talked with his father about buying a house, and had mentioned how much we had set aside for a down payment (more than our wedding budget!) and now his mother is acting as though that money is just “lying around”.

:newidea: Suddenly it all makes sense.

I love my parents and my in-laws, but I will never tell them specifics about our finances (how much money I make, how much I have in the bank, how much our house cost, how much student loan debt I have… ). I’ve known too many people for whom sharing such knowledge has had bad results. I don’t know their exact financial situation either.

As I’m sure you know, just because you have money doesn’t mean you have money to spend. That money is set aside for a purpose (and, of course, spending money on a house is much better than spending it on a wedding). But for some, hearing the dollar figure is enough to make them think, “Well, hey, why are they acting as if they are strapped for cash when they have that much sitting in the bank?” I can see how it would be easy for them to think you guys sweet-talked them into paying for 1/3 of the wedding when you could technically cover it yourselves.

Sharing too much financial info can --far too often – lead to resentment.

 

[Chantal25]

My wedding cost me $350.00, most of the money was on the make up since i never put any on and i bought everything from scratch organic and cruelty free. I wasn’t broke or poor, it was a choice.

It was easy and everyone had a magical time. We did this on a nice retreat 8 years ago.

Do you really have to go through the whole nine yard with this wedding? About reconsidering the expenses and donate to charity for children instead.

Look at all the stress that you are going through. What will be perfect about this wedding, is that you, your husband are truly committed to one another and God bless your marriage. Clearly, some of your family are struggling financially and they didn’t have the heart to say NO to you.

Anyway, i would step back and rethink the whole event. You are supposed to have a very special day with your husband and share this joy with your family, how is it possible if you worry about material perfection and for the even to be perfect?

Just my thought!

 

[mandajane]

I don’t worry over it usually. I just remind him that he is loved, and his birth mother didn’t give him up for adoption because she didn’t want him, but because she wanted him to be HAPPY and well cared for.

 

[PaulinVA]

… (FMIL kept insisting we had to make a good impression on people)

Well, isn’t that ironic…

 

[SubjectVerb]

And when you do buy a house, make sure it is just far enough away for a long drive but not so far that ILs would need to fly in and stay for an extended period of time…
I am sorry, but this bodes well for keeping them at bit of a distance, to keep them out of your daily life.

Goodness, agreed. Unfortunately, many mothers have a really hard time letting go of their sons, and I think some distance helps to enforce the message that you two are now one flesh and no longer under the parents’ wings. My own mother gave my sister-in-law hell when my brother got married, and my own mother-in-law is still having a hard time, and it’s been almost three years since our wedding. Weddings bring out the worst in people, since emotions are high and such. My MIL told me during our wedding planning, “I’ll never forgive you for taking my son away from me!” Poor thing, she has a good heart, but she really didn’t take her little boy getting married very well.

It is true that when a man marries, he leaves his parents and cleaves to his wife and that is how God made us. Mothers have a hard time with this, and think of their sons as their little boys forever. If your future husband is a man that puts you, his future wife, first (and it sounds like he does and like he is a wonderful man), then buckle up, you’re in for a bumpy ride with your FMIL. (It will get better though! Just hang in there.)

P.S. My in-laws just wanted a pasta dish added to the reception dinner, and we said, “No. It’s not in the budget. If you want it, you pay for it.” And they did. We also forced them to cut their guest list in half and pay for their own people. Your wedding, your rules!

 

[agnes_therese]

He is going over there for a chat later today, where he has told me he plans to inform her that her list is being cut down drastically, and we’re capping the guest list at 150.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall!!

 

[cheezey]

Oh, to be a fly on the wall!!

Your wedding, your rules!

dang right!!!

 

[mandajane]

My FH is a sneaky guy sometimes. When we were selecting our readings, he insisted that the first reading be from Genesis 2, to emphasis the passage that a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife.

He said maybe she’ll get the hint. He’s also spoken with our priest about his issues with his mother, and he is kind enough to say he’s going to include things about how marriage is part of becoming an adult, and the family you choose vs. the family the Lord chose for you.

Maybe she’ll get the hint (i hope). I’ve been following advice I got here before, and not putting my nose in it, but saying about 50 rosaries whenever I get frustrated.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

He was very close with them, until about 6 months after we started dating. When we were just friends, he was often helping out with stuff, not financially, but just management wise. Whenever his mom threw a party, she’d give him money and expect him to make it happen. Whenever his siblings needed money, they’d come to him for a loan. He’s always been the best out of all of his siblings when it comes to financial planning, and they often come to him for advice. However, when we started dating, he stopped loaning as much money out (he was spending money on dates, or on vacations, and when you’re getting two seperate hotel rooms so no one is tempted it gets PRICEY), and they started having fits about it, things got pretty bad for a while there, until I talked him into going to see a counselor about all the guilt his family was giving him. The counselor told him point blank that he was not responsible for his family, and just because he was adopted didn’t mean he owed them every dime he ever made.

Side Note: FMIL had 7 miscarriages, adopted FH, then proceeded to have 7 healthy kids. She always referred to FH as her miracle baby, but as he got older, she’d use the whole “you were adopted” thing as a switch. Whenever he does something wrong (even now!) she goes on and on about “How am I gonna explain this to your mother when I meet her in heaven?!” It’s given him some issues, that he’s still in counseling for.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. That his own mom is using his adoption as a club? Very sad. :nope: I’m glad he’s in counseling, but sorry he needs it to help him separate from his mother.

How does his father contribute, if at all? Sometimes the fathers are almost worse because they just stand there and never intervene in the mother’s meddling.

 

[cheezey]

My FH is a sneaky guy sometimes. When we were selecting our readings, he insisted that the first reading be from Genesis 2, to emphasis the passage that a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife.

He said maybe she’ll get the hint. He’s also spoken with our priest about his issues with his mother, and he is kind enough to say he’s going to include things about how marriage is part of becoming an adult, and the family you choose vs. the family the Lord chose for you.

Maybe she’ll get the hint (i hope). I’ve been following advice I got here before, and not putting my nose in it, but saying about 50 rosaries whenever I get frustrated.

peaceful as a dove, sly as a fox.
Pray that she will and prepare if she doesn’t.

 

[SubjectVerb]

My FH is a sneaky guy sometimes. When we were selecting our readings, he insisted that the first reading be from Genesis 2, to emphasis the passage that a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife.

Ha! We used that one, too!

 

[mandajane]

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. That his own mom is using his adoption as a club? Very sad. :nope: I’m glad he’s in counseling, but sorry he needs it to help him separate from his mother.

How does his father contribute, if at all? Sometimes the fathers are almost worse because they just stand there and never intervene in the mother’s meddling.

His father is a doctor, and often works from 7 am to 8-9pm. When he is home, he’s usually sleeping, or trying to work on something with one of FH’s younger siblings. His father is very good about respecting that he’s an adult, and managing FMIL, but he has to be around to manage her.