Permanent Singleness

[OrangeOwl]

Then I hope you know where to look for your future spouse for instance, not in a bar.

Hold on a minute! While going to a bar may not be the most realistic way to meet a spouse, it does happen. My uncle and aunt, both from very Catholic families, met in a sports bar and have been married for something like 25 years now.

I, myself, met a pleasant and patient individual at an Irish pub a few months ago… Just because you meet someone in a bar doesn’t mean they’ll lack decency.

Of course you have to be careful and use common sense, but the same can be said about a potential relationship with any individual.

 

[FNDRB58]

There has been a recurring dilemma I have been having of late. In today’s world chastity is not seen in a very great light. I’m only 22 and have decided that I should start practicing what I preach (although I came to that idea a long time ago). My question is will being chaste and waiting till marriage leave me single forever. I guess it’s more of a worrying thing for me but I would appreciate opinions from everyone.

There is no answer to your question as one cannot predict the future. If you are asking, will being chaste ward off many prospective suitors, then the answer is yes. But it may bring you the one and only that God has prepared for you. But be prepared for either scenario. Come to terms with the possibility that you could be a single person your whole life…doubtful for most…but possible. I am 43 and have resigned to the fact that I may never marry. It saddens me on one hand but on the other, look at whom I am being chaste for! Leave it in His hands and stop worrying. Come to terms now with both possibilities. Remember, keep your eyes focused on the prize, that is, glory in Heaven, and you will be able to move on in this short difficult life.

 

[06convert]

I would ask if not being chaste means that you are guaranteed a relationship? I don’t think so.

One might also say that if you are in a place spiritually where you can live a chaste life. Why would you want to be with someone that isn’t on the same page?

 

[GraceDK]

Unchaste behaviour has a bearing on all aspects of a persons life… not a positive one.
Lots of people do stupid things with people they are not married to, and they regret that very much the day when they are not with that person anymore.

True love waits. And chastity shows that you are mastering yourself, which is a very important quality in a marriage where you have to sometimes abstain too, and where faithfulness is crucial.

If someone comes and wants to “try you on” like an “experiment” to see if you are compatible with him/her, then run away from that person. You are not an experiment, and your sexuality is a gift to one person who will take full responsibility of that gift integrated in the truth about your whole person in union with his.

People who talk about sexual compatibility have already become bored with sex, because they have trivialised it too long already and dont know that what makes sex interesting is not only the pleasure of it, but just as much the commitment and true feeling of unity and love with the right person. There are few things in the world more fascinating that sex which takes places in that fullness of comitted love. But people who dont know how to love, that is, always keep the back door open, cannot teach you about neither love nor sex.

People who use sex as recreation get bored with it, and end up using themselves and others… Sex, when it takes place with the right mindset and in the right place and time, is never boring.

You see the mentality of the person on page one is a utilitarian mentality of a person who doesn’t know what God meant for sex to be between two people. That person will have many crisis of selfishness in his life and will probably end up making his spouse feel used and loved only within a wrong hierarchy of values.

People who have more than 3 sex partners before they marry have a significantly higher divorce rate than those young people who have less experience. This is something that we can understand without explanation even if we look at the truth of our human heart.
Nobody wants to be a sex object for someone else. People desire to be loved, not compared to 10 other bodies before them.

 

[ndeparis88]

ndeparis88,

I think there needs to be an examination of conscience here:

1. How is it a person of Faith is coming across as if decrying their current state?
2. How is it a pious person is coming across as if envying they way of the wicked?

Sometimes the trials of God/permitted by Him can be great (for his glory and for our edification). Think of Joseph of the old Testament. But he always comes through.

Think of it, Adam had no women to choose from and guess what, God made him one.

My experience has been quite the opposite. A friend of mine who tries to live his faith felt no shortage of women literally throwing themselves at him starting with the ‘bad ones’ (they seem to know very quickly that this one is different, he looks at them and treats them differently). He held his ground. In fact his wife, who isn’t particularly pious, told him that one of the reasons she chose him was for his supposed piety. She wanted that in the household, at least there should be one God-fearing parent.

It has not stopped there. Even now being married, his ring hasn’t stoppped women at his work place, single or married, to being attracted to him.

Fms your’re right. I know that I should not envy the ways of the wicked. Especially envy being the sin that it is. When was in Florida for school my next door neighbor was a pretty devote Catholic, smart and beautiful. She told me one time when I said some thing that told her how I carry myself was that she couldn’t believe I would really do that, like i had to be to good to be true. What got to me was I was just being me, and apparently I’m a fictional character, well at least thats what I felt like. I was always wanting to ask her out for coffee, just so we cold spend time and get to know each other. But as it turns out she didn’t want a serious relationship, I even saw her turn many guys away. I never pressed it because I respected her wishes. Besides I would have gotten the same answer. She was in love with Jesus, and I just didn’t want to take that away from her. What I’m glad about is that it showed me that there are Women like her in the world, and I thank God for that. It gave me more of a reason to try being the Man I always wanted to be.

 

[Love_Divine]

Hold on a minute! While going to a bar may not be the most realistic way to meet a spouse, it does happen. My uncle and aunt, both from very Catholic families, met in a sports bar and have been married for something like 25 years now.

I, myself, met a pleasant and patient individual at an Irish pub a few months ago… Just because you meet someone in a bar doesn’t mean they’ll lack decency.

Of course you have to be careful and use common sense, but the same can be said about a potential relationship with any individual.

The bars aren’t what they were 25 years ago. I myself have had to employ some of the “pain compliance holds” I have learned in my self defense tactics class for drunken men who can’t seem to keep their hands off my bosom, nor seem to be able to remove them when verbally instructed.

 

[OrangeOwl]

The bars aren’t what they were 25 years ago. I myself have had to employ some of the “pain compliance holds” I have learned in my self defense tactics class for drunken men who can’t seem to keep their hands off my bosom, nor seem to be able to remove them when verbally instructed.

Pain compliance holds? Ha! Truthfully, I have never seen that happen. With the exception of people already in relationship (and even then nothing over the top), I have only seen people keep their hands to themselves.

 

[Beth_Cecilia]

Hm. Well, if the choice is between remaining single or marrying someone who would prefer your to compromise your values than uphold them, which would you choose?

I assure you, there are men (and women) out there who will be glad of the challenge to support you in your convictions.

Catholics do not believe that everyone is called to marriage, so you may remain single. If you are listening to the Lord and following his will for your life, you will not remain single just because you are determined to be chaste. If you remain single, it is because that is God’s plan for your life. God, who knows you better than you know yourself and loves you more than you can imagine possible, has a plan for you. Trust him and listen to him.

 

[fms]

Fms your’re right. I know that I should not envy the ways of the wicked. Especially envy being the sin that it is. When was in Florida for school my next door neighbor was a pretty devote Catholic, smart and beautiful. She told me one time when I said some thing that told her how I carry myself was that she couldn’t believe I would really do that, like i had to be to good to be true. What got to me was I was just being me, and apparently I’m a fictional character, well at least thats what I felt like. I was always wanting to ask her out for coffee, just so we cold spend time and get to know each other. But as it turns out she didn’t want a serious relationship, I even saw her turn many guys away. I never pressed it because I respected her wishes. Besides I would have gotten the same answer. She was in love with Jesus, and I just didn’t want to take that away from her. What I’m glad about is that it showed me that there are Women like her in the world, and I thank God for that. It gave me more of a reason to try being the Man I always wanted to be.

ndeparis88,

Thank God not me. Just pray for me.

Do not worry, do not worry at all! if it is His will, she is there for you. You know what you need to do to deserve her. You will see how worthwhile the wait will have been…

 

[fms]

Great post GraceDK

 

[Trishie]

I know several chaste males and females who have found like-minded marriage partners.
It may feel hopeless while you are living through unwelcome ‘singleness’.
But when you do find that person!

 

[ndeparis88]

ndeparis88,

Thank God not me. Just pray for me.

Do not worry, do not worry at all! if it is His will, she is there for you. You know what you need to do to deserve her. You will see how worthwhile the wait will have been…

Just for clarifying purposes who do you mean by her. The woman I was talking about in the post or like the spouse that God has picked out but hasn’t brought us together yet? I only ask because if it is her what should I do about it if anything for right now?

 

[fms]

The woman I was talking about in the post or like the spouse that God has picked out but hasn’t brought us together yet?

Only God knows that…

I only ask because if it is her what should I do about it if anything for right now?

No harm in trying is there? Just gauge if there is interest on her end. I always think it is always better when the green light starts with the lady first…

 

[shinytoy]

There has been a recurring dilemma I have been having of late. In today’s world chastity is not seen in a very great light. I’m only 22 and have decided that I should start practicing what I preach (although I came to that idea a long time ago). My question is will being chaste and waiting till marriage leave me single forever. I guess it’s more of a worrying thing for me but I would appreciate opinions from everyone.

wow im so glad i joined this forum! im 25 and turned catholic when i was 18, and was the only catholic i knew. obviously being 18 i wanted a boyfriend, like everyone else and although i didnt commit any fornication or anything i did date guys. being the only catholic i knew, all the guys i went out with were non catholic and did not respect chastity. instead they all cheated on me after a few weeks and kept a girl or two on the side.

i started to accept that is the way of life, and when i was 18 i dated a non practicing catholic in an open relationship where he could fornicate other girls (he didnt believ in monogamy or marriage) but we could still see each other and talk and kiss and date and stuff. my idea was that those relationships woudnt last, but because he wasnt sinning with me, we might last longer and maybe eventaully he wold see the light convert his soul and marry. in the end it didnt happen. so i was single and non dating for 3 years

then when i was 22/3 i met a guy who was non catholic but said he wanted to marry a chaste lady. we dated. then i found out he was secretly living with another woman.

being chaste is very hard and anti-cultural. i planned on meeting and marrying a good catholic guy and having babiesw by age 25 but life didnt turn out that way. i found life turns out like this christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/julyweb-only/59-11.0.html

most catholics approach this issue from 2 points of view. nr 1 - the woman who was devoutly catholic her whole life and married her teen sweetheart at age 18, who is soooo glad she waited!! or nr 2, the 60 year old who married many years ago in the day when being chaste was not so anti-cultural.

i cant advise you. but im in the same boat and im 25 and waiting. my hormones have died down alot since age 24, and i also find fasting totally just only drinking water for a few days helps in prayer and reduces my desires to 0.

also i made confessions about dating and the priest said more or less that fornication is wrong but fooling about is normal and not sexual immorality.

 

[ndeparis88]

Only God knows that…

No harm in trying is there? Just gauge if there is interest on her end. I always think it is always better when the green light starts with the lady first…

Me too, I always wondered what’s the point of going out with someone who’s feelings of going out and being in a relationship isn’t there. I never got a green light from her, and honestly I think forcing the issue is a disrespectful thing to do, I have to respect her current choice.

 

[ndeparis88]

wow im so glad i joined this forum! im 25 and turned catholic when i was 18, and was the only catholic i knew. obviously being 18 i wanted a boyfriend, like everyone else and although i didnt commit any fornication or anything i did date guys. being the only catholic i knew, all the guys i went out with were non catholic and did not respect chastity. instead they all cheated on me after a few weeks and kept a girl or two on the side.

i started to accept that is the way of life, and when i was 18 i dated a non practicing catholic in an open relationship where he could fornicate other girls (he didnt believ in monogamy or marriage) but we could still see each other and talk and kiss and date and stuff. my idea was that those relationships woudnt last, but because he wasnt sinning with me, we might last longer and maybe eventaully he wold see the light convert his soul and marry. in the end it didnt happen. so i was single and non dating for 3 years

then when i was 22/3 i met a guy who was non catholic but said he wanted to marry a chaste lady. we dated. then i found out he was secretly living with another woman.

being chaste is very hard and anti-cultural. i planned on meeting and marrying a good catholic guy and having babiesw by age 25 but life didnt turn out that way. i found life turns out like this christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/julyweb-only/59-11.0.html

most catholics approach this issue from 2 points of view. nr 1 - the woman who was devoutly catholic her whole life and married her teen sweetheart at age 18, who is soooo glad she waited!! or nr 2, the 60 year old who married many years ago in the day when being chaste was not so anti-cultural.

i cant advise you. but im in the same boat and im 25 and waiting. my hormones have died down alot since age 24, and i also find fasting totally just only drinking water for a few days helps in prayer and reduces my desires to 0.

also i made confessions about dating and the priest said more or less that fornication is wrong but fooling about is normal and not sexual immorality.

See ShinyToy I had a lot of the same experiences like you, although of course it was with Women, I dated a lot of girls who were not religious and really didn’t think to much about marriage. When I mean a lot by the way I mean 8 and I never slept with any of them. I was with a girl in college but we were not in an official relationship and it went to far as far as intimacy is concerned and I saw te affect it had on her, she fell head over heels for me but I was not emotionally there. I really don’t care what the world thinks, I use to think Knights were heros, I also modeled my behavior after them. well you know the noble ones any way, and I started to wonder why i stopped, it was me after all. I know it’s countercultural as from what the article said but that doesn’t make it wrong. Is it wrong to respect to the highest level a girl whom you want to give your heart to. I don’t think so. I’m conducting myself in the most honorable way possible and I hope someone and see that. I think a man should be taken note of when he’s willing to wait to make something really special and lasting. I understand that after reading that article it does hold true for a lot of people but not everyone get that fate. A good buddy of minde from college married is wife who was 25 and she was a virgin as wel as he was, they waited and now they are happily married. of course it’s been less than a year but I think their chances are better now that they waited. I know it my be only one percent of the population me being from east coast U.S.A I should know this very well, but wouldn’t it be that being in that 1 percent be a great accomplishment. If I’d found someone I could be with for the rest of my life I could surely wait. It’s more special that way.

 

[Soldier_Of_God]

I am single, never married and have not had relations with a woman. At may age, it’s extremely unusual and, ironically can be view by some of being a form disordered behaviour. However, I have met women who respect my preferences and it has not inhibited my ability to have companionship with them. In fact, it seems to filter out some of the ones that do not share my moral outlook.

 

[Bev17243]

my advice to you would be to stick to your beliefs. Believe me when i tell you that there are plenty of men who will respect your choices and wishes in this manner. do you really want to be with a guy who places sex above all other things in the relationship?

 

[fms]

i cant advise you. but im in the same boat and im 25 and waiting. my hormones have died down alot since age 24, and i also find fasting totally just only drinking water for a few days helps in prayer and reduces my desires to 0.

also i made confessions about dating and the priest said more or less that fornication is wrong but fooling about is normal and not sexual immorality.

Plenty of posts/threads on what is appropriate/inappropriate behavior.

If the priest gave this kind of advise that’s troublesome.

More or less?

Fooling about is not only foolish but putting oneself in the occasion of sin moreso for one who had desires…

 

[samiam1611]

I do not recommend waiting till marriage. I was friends with this one guy and we got romantic feelings for each other and eventually had sex and it sucked! Gave him another chance, still sucked. Now we’re back to being friends. Imagine being MARRIED to someone where you did not click! My bf now is fantastic at it and it is a wonderful, integral part of our relationship. Marriage is for life - you need to make sure you know the person 100% so there won’t be any huge, relationship-damaging surprises. Might as well figure out their flaws before you make such a huge commitment.