Permission denied to attend funeral

  • Thread starter Thread starter lattehunter
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
lattehunter said:
“She was a good woman and a comfort to me when I lost my husband. It will be difficult for me to not attend.”
Click to expand...
That is exactly what you should say. And then add that as much as you wish you could attend, unfortunately, you are not able to because of your new vocation beginning that same day. Assure them she will continue to be in your prayers, and then, begin your new vocation. God bless you.
 
My secular Carmelite community would never tell someone they could not attend a funeral. I’m surprised that your formation director said that to you.

I do know that the attendance policy is handled differently among communities with some being more strict than others.
 
You do not have to explain why you cannot go; just send your condolences and regrets that you cannot go because of a previous longstanding engagement. It doesn’t sound like they are close enough to inquire what that engagement is.

It also seems like two of the people you are concerned about were unable to attend the funeral of their own father–your husband. How did they handle that? If they called and said they were sorry they were unable to come, then why would you think they would think you were doing a fit-for-tat?
 
Both sides of the situation have merit. YOU must decide which has the most merit or value to you. No one can make the decision for you
 
I called the family today. Unfortunately it was a machine. I let them know how sorry I was I couldn’t be at the funeral this weekend. I had another obligation and I was unable to be released from it. I also asked if they will be getting together before the service I would like to join them. The deceased was from the church of England and I believe her children and grandchildren (my husbands children) were raised in that faith. I had trouble finding an Anglican church but I did find an Episcopalian church which I think is the same so hopefully I can have a mass said for her there. I’m waiting for a return call from them.

I still feel pretty rotten about it but it’s not about what I want. I was under the impression that it was more balanced as we are in the world vs cloistered. I reviewed the constitutions and it said we could not miss more than 5 meetings in a year and only for serious reasons. I’m dreading what to do if I am scheduled to work. The person leading my formation is a former nun. She left during Vatican 2. She’s in her 80’s. The people there are going out of there way to be friendly to me. I have a lot to learn and want to get to know them better so I do not want to miss meetings but this isn’t something I expected.

This goes against what my Pastor teaches. He will often ask us to make the effort to attend funerals of small families to support them at our parish. I hope I am doing the right thing. The goal is to be closer to God and have peace. It doesn’t feel that way now. Tomorrow is the Feast Day of Our Lady of the Angels and the Portiuncula indulgence. I decided on a Cathedral to spend some time at and then I have Holy Hour on Friday to spend some time in prayer for her soul and peace/wisdom for me. God knows my heart. All will work out if I keep my trust in Him.
 
lattehunter said:
The person leading my formation
Click to expand...
Is she the Formation Director for the community? Or is she just in charge of the aspirants? Have you spoken with the Formation Director (if it’s someone else), or a member of the Council?
 
She is in charge of the aspirants. One of the members of my Parish is on the council. I believe shes the president. I spoke to her first as I was concerned this may be a problem. She didn’t think it would be but deferred the decision to the one in charge of me. I received the agenda of the meeting this weekend from her today so I’m sure they talked before it was approved to send out. I don’t want to make waves. This may be my new family. It’s a scary place for me to be alone in this world until He calls me home. I am attracted to the quiet and peace of this spirituality, I like the strong emphasis on community, commitment to quiet daily prayer, and the structure. This is how I am already living it will just be deeper and I’ll have a connection with those similar to me. I would have hoped for a smoother transition.

To be fair I do have a lot on my plate. I work a job with a non traditional work schedule and I volunteer on 2 emergency response teams. The director wants to meet with us during the normal first Saturday time and then wanted to meet again on the third Saturday. That conflicted with my meeting date for one of the response teams so we meet on the second Saturday. That doesn’t give her much time to prepare.but she made the accommodation. She is older and it would probably be difficult for her to manage our group if she had to keep doing make up days. She is right that this is the time for us to get to know each other and whether there is a call and if we will fit into the community. On my side I have a strong need to pray for and support our priests, the souls in purgatory, the sick and their caregivers. It’s who I am and what I’m called to do so I can’t give that up and there is the struggle. One of the 3 people God brought to me when in distress suggested this vocation when I shared what I was looking for. Maybe this is a test. Maybe it’s not the right time in my life. I don’t know but that’s part of discernment. She’s the director and knows much more about the vocation than I do. I pray for the Holy Spirit to guide us both.
 
I am confused. How is an 80-year-old former Sr. in charge of aspirents? Is she teaching by pre-Vat. rules/updates and clarifications of religious life?
 
I believe that you could continue as a visitor and be received as an aspirant in the next cycle. Being part of a lay fraternity is more about living out a way of life than hitting gates on time.
 
Hmmm, you are bringing up some other potential blocks to your membership in this community, as well as a lot of unease about missing the funeral. Could it be that this community is not right for you, or that this is not the right time for you to join?

Do you have a person you trust outside the community with whom you could discuss this?
 
Or if you’re not going, just tell one of the family members you feel the closest too that you won’t be. They in turn can tell the others. Nothing else needs to be said. You might want to tell this one person why, as long as you feel close enough?
 
I cont. to see red flags on this issue.
  1. You are not even a postulant.
  2. You have not made any type of vow, promise or commitment.
  3. As an aspirant, your decerning-looking into it.’
    The meetings could be taped or videoed and viewed later. The elder lady in charge seems to be empowered by her task. Contact the Mistress of Novices or Superior and check this out. There are other communities that would be happy to decern with you.
 
She is not entering a full time religious order. The Secular Carmelites are a group for laypeople. Typically the community holds monthly meetings and its members go through a period of formation that lasts for six years.
 
I will ask the council member that is in my parish tomorrow at mass. You are correct I have not made any promises or commitments to this order yet. That wouldn’t come for another year. The first year is a year of discernment. This year requires 2 meetings a month and a weekend retreat. Next year it’s one meeting a month plus an annual weekend retreat. After profession one may not miss more than 5 meetings in a year. I can’t imagine my employer denying my request off that many times. We meet on the first Saturday so my volunteer emergency response volunteer work will not conflict…unless there is an emergency. In that case it’s not likely we would be meeting as we would be preparing for or recovering from a hurricane or other similar disaster and it would not be safe to be out and about.

I wasn’t going to say anything more to them about it to be obedient. I’ve already informed the woman’s son I would not be able to attend the funeral. I don’t know of another contemplative order near me. Based on the comments here and reviewing the statues, ratios, and constitutions they may be stricter than their documents state for an aspirant in the secular order namely:

'The people who come to the Secular Order of Carmel are, with few exceptions, people who have many commitments, especially with families and with work. The program of formation must be flexible enough to adapt to the circumstances of each person who is to become a member.”

Attendance requirements for completing the three periods of formation (Aspirancy,
Preparation for First/Temporary Promise and Preparation for Definitive Promise) are
more rigorous and it is the responsibility of the local council to ensure that the formation
requirements are fulfilled. Those in formation should expect to make up missed
sessions (on tape, via written assignments, etc.) and/or have their time in formation extended.

An active member is one who is professed and regularly attends and participates in monthly
meetings. The order recognizes that members have legitimate obligations and God-given
responsibilities that may at times conflict with responsibilities of the OCDS community.
However, such conflicts should be the exception in an OCDS vocation.

The person leading my formation did approve another aspirant to miss a day later this year as she was the one coordinating her Pastor’s 25 anniversary of Ordination celebration. The reason I think my request was denied is she is already making an accommodation for me re the date of the 2nd meeting she wanted and that it is so early in the process. She did say that if I was further along that would change things. As far as the other commitments to the order I do not see any barriers. As I stated before I’m already living it ie daily mass most days, frequent confession, daily meditation, LOTH, daily reflection etc. I still have a lot to learn but I will be able to make time to study.
 
I spoke with the Province and one of the council members. I spent a lot of time in adoration yesterday and today.

I will be at the mass as planned followed by the meeting afterwards. I sent cards to the 3 of them and an email explanation to one of them to share with the others. I did offer to visit with them at a later date to remember this wonderful woman and let them know that while I can’t be there physically I will be praying for them. Thank you for all your ideas on how to share this with the family.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top