Permission denied to attend funeral

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While you may be called to the Carmelite vocation you may want to look at other communities. I personally would not be part of a community that made me choose between my family and the community, especially at your stage in formation.
 
I would not be able to meet the commitments of the other carmelite communities at this time. The next nearest community is 2 hours away. When I first mentioned it to the president she did not think being excused for this reason would be an issue. She seemed surprised when I shared permission was denied. She of course is limited in what she can say to avoid discord in the council but I don’t think she supported the decision. The one in charge of my formation spent a couple hours with me to get to know me. She is a former nun. I am not the first one she has been in charge of. I’m not sure was she is seeing in me to demand such a hard line on obedience. I’ll have to pray on it to learn what changes I must make in my life to be more obedient to God’s will. That’s the only thing that makes sense or I wouldn’t be in this position.

I did not say anything to the rest of the community. It’s a private matter and it wouldn’t be right to cause division. At the mass Fr and the community prayed over us as we begin discerning the vocation. There are 5 of us. One did not show up. At the end of mass we had adoration. During adoration the bells rang the time of 10 AM …the time of the funeral. I spent the rest of adoration crying. After adoration we went over for the meeting with the community and then a brief meeting with just our group. They could tell something wasn’t right with me. After the meeting the president asked how I was. She said there would be many blessings for my sacrifice. I ending up leaving crying again and felt pretty poorly the rest of the day. I would have walked the stations of the Cross but I had a commitment to drive 3 disabled friends for an outing and didn’t want to let anyone else down. I’ll visit the cemetery soon and bring flowers. As for my husbands children and the woman’s son (my husbands brother in law) I haven’t heard a word from them. Formation meetings begin in 4 days.
 
lattehunter said:
I’m not sure was she is seeing in me to demand such a hard line on obedience. I’ll have to pray on it to learn what changes I must make in my life to be more obedient to God’s will. That’s the only thing that makes sense or I wouldn’t be in this position.
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Here’s another possible explanation - some old lady was getting off on running a power trip over you just because she could.
 
lattehunter said:
I ending up leaving crying again and felt pretty poorly the rest of the day.
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That’s not how you should feel when you’re accepted as an aspirant. I hope you take the next period to discern if this is right for you.
 
lattehunter said:
During adoration the bells rang the time of 10 AM …the time of the funeral. I spent the rest of adoration crying. After adoration we went over for the meeting with the community and then a brief meeting with just our group. They could tell something wasn’t right with me. After the meeting the president asked how I was. She said there would be many blessings for my sacrifice. I ending up leaving crying again and felt pretty poorly the rest of the day.
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I’m sorry that this happened. I will pray for you and your loved one.

Do you happen to have access to a priest or spiritual director outside of this group? As we are learning, silence can be toxic in hiding situations of abuse or impropriety, and I am very concerned about the situation you are describing. I have been discerning with a religious order (not a Third Order) and I have never been subjected to the types of demands that are being placed on you. Discernment is a long process, and I often have needed to step away to better understand what I was and am experiencing. No one ever criticized me for it or suggested I couldn’t continue discerning.

We can provide some advice here, but I think a priest might be better placed to help you understand this behavior and to guide you if it is inappropriate.
 
lattehunter said:
When I first mentioned it to the president she did not think being excused for this reason would be an issue. She seemed surprised when I shared permission was denied. She of course is limited in what she can say to avoid discord in the council but I don’t think she supported the decision
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There’s a problem, right there. It’s up to the Council, not the person in charge of a particular group or individual, to approve an absence.
 
There are a few times of year I struggle as I imagine many who have lost someone close do. What would have been my wedding anniversary is close to this date. To have this situation on top of it was difficult. The rest of the year except for a few significant dates I’m doing fine. I find a lot of comfort in adoration but when I’m struggling I find greater comfort and strength in offering it up at the stations of the cross. What I go though is insignificant compared to what he did for us. Its also a strong reminder for me that everything here is temporary and will pass.

Abuse yes. (name removed by moderator)ropriaty no. It’s why I don’t have family on my side nor a large circle of friends. My husband took me away from that and was very good to me. Now he’s not here and I’m seeking a closer relationship with Jesus. I’m most comfortable in prayer and happy in conversation with Him. He’s been there through every difficulty and will never leave me. Marriage is not my vocation but this is what my catholic medical Dr has suggested I pursue. The medical issues from overextending myself in care giving are now resolved. He is aware of my history.

I usually speak with my Deacon if I have questions about our faith. Next month I’ll be on a retreat for widows. I’ll ask if I could speak with an adviser the day before. Thank you for the idea.

If this isn’t the right vocation or time for this vocation I’ll just have to be patient until God opens the door he wants me to enter.
 
Reading this thread hurt my heart for you. I am so sorry for your suffering over the years. I am praying for you. May God lead you where He desires you to be, and praying you allow yourself to feel His comforting embrace.
 
MikeInVA said:
That’s not how you should feel when you’re accepted as an aspirant. I hope you take the next period to discern if this is right for you.
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This

You are an Aspirant. You are looking into a community to see if it is a good fit for you, and you a good fit for it.
As my Superior says, try it on, like trying on a new outfit. See if it fits and you feel good wearing it.

You should never be so upset like that. I have Religious and former religious in my community, they do not act this way and always say to put family first in the crucial stages of family life.
 
Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut. The aspirants meet the 2nd Saturday to learn. The one leading the formation asked me to stay after the others left. She offered a sincere apology. Somehow she missed that this was a relative and not someone from my church family that passed. They will be going back to having the council approve any absences. It will be announced at the next meeting. They will also ask that those asking for an approved leave do so at an alternate time vs at meetings to ensure they are not subject to distractions when hearing the request. They commended me for my obedience and how I carried myself that day. I’m feeling much better now and looking forward to discerning with this community. Today the president sat with me after mass and we prayed the morning office together. It’s not often I have someone to pray with. I hope we’ll be able to pray together again soon.
 
So glad this had a good ending, even though perhaps a sad one. I have found that when talking with priests, if I ask them something when he’s not sitting at his desk, he’s just not going to remember. I think it’s that way with most people. I commend her for making an apology, and more than that, taking steps so that it does not happen again.
 
I am so sorry for all you’ve been through, and so sorry you missed this funeral because of a misunderstanding.

I hope your spirits are lifted and you feel especially loved and cherished by Jesus this week. ❤️
 
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